To say that she was surprised would be the understatement of the year. Catriona was astonished when Julie told her that Sammy had been to see his father. She’d always understood that Sammy hated Hodge Hunter. And with good reason, as far as she could see. Sometimes she even thought that what she and Sammy had most in common was hatred and their understanding of that emotion. He couldn’t have changed, surely. She hadn’t changed though, for a time, she thought she had – to some degree, at least. Often the only emotion she felt for Melvin was pity.
He had changed so much, especially physically. The change had been caused by the war and she couldn’t blame him for that. The war had wrecked him physically and, she often suspected, emotionally and mentally as well. That was another thing she and Sammy had in common – their abiding hatred of war. Sammy’s beliefs now went even deeper. To him, peace was not simply the absence of war, it was a vision of human wholeness. He seemed so idealistic at times, and Julie was the same these days. They both believed in living adventurously, though, which certainly seemed wise to Catriona and something she wished she had taken to heart much sooner in her own life. Sammy and Julie’s religious beliefs also led them to hope for reconciliation between all sorts of unlikely people. It was all pie in the sky to Catriona. She knew from bitter personal experience that there were some people with whom it was simply impossible to be reconciled, no matter how hard you tried. The Quakers obviously meant well but where had their God of love been when she had needed him?
She even doubted if she could be sure of any love from Andrew any more. But, oh, how she was trying to deserve it. He wanted her to be reconciled with Melvin and visit him more regularly at the hospital and she’d forced herself to go. It was during these visits that her hatred had taken root again and outweighed any pity she felt for Melvin.
If she was alone with him for any length of time before Andrew arrived, or on those rare occasions when Andrew couldn’t manage to visit, Melvin would nag at her in the same way he always had. She would sit watching the bitter downward twist of his mouth and keep silent. He was also beginning to sound more like her mother every day. He too had begun to say things like how wicked she was for deserting him, and how God would punish her. Meantime, he was doing his nasty, malicious best to punish her himself.
He’d told her that he’d already made the house over to Fergus. ‘I know you,’ he’d said, ‘if anything happened to me, even though Fergus was supposed to inherit my house, you’d contest the will. You’d try to claim at least half. Well, this way, you’ll never get anything because the house legally belongs to Fergus now. I’ve explained to him it’s just for his legal protection so that, after I die, if he wants to sell it, the proceeds’ll go to him. Every penny. Andrew will get the business.’
‘What business?’ she thought. The place was barely making a profit any more, despite Baldy Fowler’s best efforts.
She listened to Melvin in silence, only able to do so by repeating over and over again in her mind, ‘For Andrew. For Andrew. Smile for Andrew’s sake. Suffer it, suffer him, suffer anything, suffer everything for Andrew’s sake.’
And certainly Andrew’s attitude had at least softened towards her. He was pleased and grateful that she was acting in what appeared such a kind and compassionate way to his precious dad.
Melvin was a different man when Andrew was there. His sour face would break into a sweet smile of welcome and he’d put out a hand to Andrew, who’d lovingly clasp it in his.
Maybe Sammy had forced himself to go and see his father for much the same reason as she went to see Melvin. Maybe it was to please his mother although she found that hard to understand. Why on earth would his mother want him to have anything to do with that old horror?
Next time she saw Sammy, maybe she’d get the chance to talk to him about it. Then it occurred to her – perhaps it was something to do with Christmas, the time of peace and love, forgiveness and goodwill to all men and all that. Yet, as far as she’d understood it, Quakers didn’t give extra emphasis or value to any particular day. They had no calendar of specially significant events. So it couldn’t just be about Christmas.
Catriona herself dreaded Christmas. It was all very well for the likes of Julie and Sammy. They had their love for each other – and Julie had her love for her daughter. She still clung to the hope that one day they would be reunited. Their love made their wee room and kitchen in Bishopbriggs a place of peace and sanctuary, as well as hope. She really liked to visit them there and, no matter what state she had been in before she arrived, she always came away feeling better. She couldn’t quite put her finger on the reason. Maybe the loving atmosphere of their home was somehow infectious. She tried to tell herself not to be so daft and think things like that. At the same time, there was no denying that she cheered when she visited Sammy and Julie. They did have some interesting evenings at their house, lively discussions about all sorts of things, with fascinating and unexpected people.
Julie said that’s what they did at the end of their Quaker meeting every Sunday – everyone shook hands at the end of it. Once, Julie had said, ‘We’ll get you there yet, Catriona.’
She’d replied, ‘No way!’
Sammy had looked quite annoyed. Not at her but at Julie.
‘You shouldn’t do that, Julie.’
‘What?’ Julie looked surprised.
‘Try to put pressure on Catriona or anyone to go to Meeting.’
‘I wasn’t putting pressure on her.’
‘It’s all right,’ Catriona assured Sammy. ‘Even the word worship puts me off.’
Sammy said, ‘I know what you mean. It can sound as if it means bowing and scraping before some tyrannical master. But in fact the word derives from the word worth – we see it as the time we give to finding worth in our lives.’
It was all very interesting but did it help her situation, her problems? Could anything help her problem with Melvin? Those moments of relaxation and peace at Julie and Sammy’s, those moments of appreciating the love that she experienced there did help to keep her going in a way. And they were such good friends.
Maybe if she paid them a wee visit before Christmas this time … but before she could make that visit, something happened that neither Julie nor Sammy could help her with.