20

Dahling, You Look Marvelous!

A COUPLE SUNDAYS AGO I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN in the church foyer. She said, “You’ve lost more weight! You’re looking so good! I can really tell a difference. You look really great.”

Just about the time my head was approaching a circumference that would have hindered me from walking through the double doors into the church sanctuary, she reached up and began to fuss with a lock of my hair.

“Now you just need to update your hair. One of those cute new ’dos. Yes, that would do wonders. That’s definitely what you need!”

I thanked her and moved on.

What else could I have done? Perhaps I should have said, “I couldn’t agree with you more, Mary! In fact, I’ll get that new hairdo as soon as you get that brow lift you’ve been talking about. They’re doing wonderful things with lasers these days! You shouldn’t hesitate another minute!”

No, no, that wouldn’t have done at all.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes it’s hard to know what to say and what not to say. After all, there are certain sensitive issues I desperately WANT my friends to discuss with me.

For example, after lunch one day last week I dropped by the church office to give a bulletin insert to Monique, our church secretary. Associate Pastor Scott and Senior Pastor Toby were in the office as well, and the four of us soon found ourselves engaged in a lively conversation. (If I remember right, Toby was telling us about the time he dressed in women’s clothing for a youth fundraiser. He said the stockings were bearable, but that there should be laws banning the use of eyelash curlers by the untrained).

After the men left the office, I looked down and noticed a large piece of lettuce resting on my left breast.

“Monique!” I squealed. “Why didn’t you tell me I’m modeling my lunch on my mammary glands!”

She winced. “I tried to signal you, but you didn’t see me. I couldn’t very well have interrupted the pastor’s story to say, ‘Karen, taco salad alert, left nipple.’”

She was right, of course. But in general, I’m grateful when my friends alert me to lipstick on my teeth or spinach at my gumline.

So here are the rules: It’s okay to comment on C-cup lettuce leaves, but diss my hairstyle and die.

You can see why it gets a little confusing at times . . . why it’s easy to mess up and say the wrong thing at the wrong time . . . why you and I both have been on the receiving end (and the giving end) of the kind of comments that have the power to produce a shudder or a wince.

Ever let a friendship drift because someone said something to you—something that may have been thoughtless or perhaps even encouragement-gone-awry but certainly was never intended to offend—and you just couldn’t get over it?

Guys don’t have this problem. I don’t know why. They say things to each other all the time that would send a woman into therapy. My dad used to greet one of his best friends regularly with the phrase, “Hey, Uglier-Than-Me!” And his friend just laughed. Can you imagine saying that to one of your girlfriends? At best, she would never speak to you again. At worst, you’d have to call me some afternoon to pick you up from the mall after you returned to the parking lot and found your tires slashed.

Or maybe those kinds of comments bother guys, but guys are just better at letting them go. My husband holds a grudge for about the length of a television commercial. My grudges, on the other hand, tend to become elevated to the status of distinguished family members. I give them names, chart their growth, and celebrate their birthdays.

Remember the television ad from many moons ago? The one in which we were reminded that “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”?

Well, so is a friendship.

If you have a friend who is always putting you down with her comments, you might want to ask her why or work on establishing healthier boundaries in your relationship.

But if you find yourself smarting from an unfortunate comment in a usually loving friendship, I have three words for you:

Get over it.

Mention it if you need to, work it out, reaffirm your friendship, then get over it and go on.

You know, the Lord didn’t mess up. He’s placed you and me smack dab in the middle of chaotic relationships with imperfect people because the bumpy road of loving and being loved leaves us richer as a result.

Margery Williams gets credited with coming up with the Velveteen Rabbit Principle. And yet our heavenly Father has had a handle on this principle for eons. He knows that in the process of loving and being loved, we’re going to get bumped and bruised now and then. We’re going to fray at the edges and get dropped in the mud and even spend some nights forgotten and abandoned in the cold. We may even end up sporting a few scars, because sometimes love hurts.

But when it’s all said and done, relationships—even chaotic relationships with imperfect people—leave us richer than before. They shape our souls. They make us real.

They may even make us better looking.

I’d explain more but I don’t have time. I’ve got to grab my purse and hurry out the door.

Supercuts closes in half an hour.