IT’S OVER. Time has ceased to exist. I wait for sunrise. When the sun has risen, I will get out of the car, and then it’ll be over. I haven’t opened the trunk since yesterday, and that’s how it’s going to stay, I will never open it again. I bought wet wipes and glass cleaner at a gas station. At another gas station I vacuumed the car. I cleaned the interior, and since then I’ve been sitting here waiting for the sun to rise.
The view is enchanting. I know Frauke would like it. All the light and the peace that lie over a city at the start of the day. I know what Wolf would say now. He would hug me close and give me warmth. He would say: Are you cold? And I would nod and his hands would be everywhere, warming me.
How I miss his warmth.
How I miss his warmth.
The sky has a purple glow, and slowly the purple dissolves and turns pale and fades to a matte blue. The sun is like liquid mercury. I can’t take my eyes off it. I persevere until my eyes are swimming with tears, then I close them tight and the sun reappears behind my closed lids.
Cars go past. A bus. A rattling moped. More cars. I wait for the lights to change, pick up my bag and get out. The morning air is fresh and clear. Maybe I’ll stroll down to Friedenau. I can do that whenever I like. Maybe I’ll go and stand below Jenni’s window and call her name. Maybe not.
I lock the car, walk a few yards, and stop on the bridge. I look down on to the Lietzensee. Everyone’s still asleep. There are individual lights burning in the hotel, the trees don’t yet cast shadows. Even though it’s so early, a few people are sitting by the water. Perhaps they slept here, perhaps the spring nights are already so warm that you can sleep outside. They’re sitting on a blanket with their legs outstretched, their voices are faint and thin. One of them squats by the shore smoking a cigarette. One of them looks up and sees me. Wolf. He raises both arms as if he were bringing in a plane to land. I wave back to him. The others look up now. And there is Frauke, dressed head to toe in black and tired, but she laughs, I can see her laughter, warm as sunlight, warm and everywhere all at once. She waves, she presses a hand to her heart, then she presses the hand to her mouth and blows me a kiss. And I know I should walk on, but I can’t leave her alone, it’s so hard. And Wolf lays his arm around Frauke, and the man by the shore flicks his cigarette away and reaches his arm back and throws a stone over the water, and the others go on talking as if nothing had happened, while the stone jumps once, twice, three times over the surface of the water before disappearing silently into the depths.