Lexi perched on the end of the bed, feet pressed together on the cool stone floor. She kept the balcony doors closed; she didn’t want to catch the whisperings from the terrace.
Bella and her stupid quiz! This wasn’t how she wanted the news of her pregnancy to come out. Downstairs she could hear the clatter of plates in the kitchen, the turning of taps. Voices were dulled by the thick stone walls, but she knew everyone would be talking about it.
She’d found out she was pregnant eight days ago. Ed had just left for Dublin, where he was working on a case. She could’ve called him, of course she could – he’d have flown back immediately – but she needed time to gather her thoughts, work out what she wanted.
Lexi had never liked voicing things until she knew how she felt. Everyone else’s opinions crowded in so quick and loud that they drowned out her own.
She’d thought about cancelling the hen, worrying that Bella would never let her get through it sober, but everyone had already paid for the flights and booked time off work and she couldn’t pull out at the last minute. She should have told Bella about the pregnancy to take the pressure off the weekend. She knew why she hadn’t: Lexi was scared of seeing her own fears reflected in Bella’s face.
Instead, she’d told Robyn.
Didn’t women always do that: select the friend to share with, subconsciously knowing the reaction they were seeking? She’d called Robyn the evening she’d taken the test, when she couldn’t regulate her breathing and her heart was trying to claw out of her chest.
Robyn had listened as Lexi talked and panicked without jumping in with her opinion. Once Lexi finally ran out of steam and remembered to anchor herself to her breath, Robyn had asked one question: What do you want?
There was no pause. No hesitation. She’d felt the answer in her body. The baby. I want this baby.
Yet the strange thing was, even though she knew that, she still felt terrified. Her heart rate remained raised, her chest constricted. It was like she wanted to run – but didn’t know what from.
There was a knock on the door. ‘Hey,’ Robyn said, poking her head around. ‘You okay in here?’
Lexi shook her head.
Robyn slipped into the room, pulling the door closed behind her. She sat beside Lexi. ‘Bella’s like a sniffer dog when it comes to secrets. I’m amazed you made it to the second night.’
‘Me too.’
The bedside lamp cast a long shadow up the wall, where a gecko clung, its body pale and soft. They both looked at it in silence for a few moments, then Robyn asked, ‘So, how are you feeling?’
‘Terrified.’
‘About what? The pregnancy?’
‘That’s just it – I don’t know. I don’t understand. I’m barely sleeping. My thoughts feel jumpy, distracted.’
‘Maybe it’s because you haven’t told Ed yet? Are you worried he won’t want this?’
‘We both said we didn’t want children – but Ed, he wasn’t resolute about it. I think – I hope – he’ll be pleased. Surprised, definitely. But pleased. So, no, I’m not scared that he won’t want the baby.’ She shook her head, confused.
Robyn thought for a while. ‘Do you think,’ she began, her voice tentative, ‘that this could be about your parents? You know, what your mother said that time?’
Lexi knew exactly what Robyn was referring to. When she was fourteen, she’d overheard her mother talking to one of the exprofessional ballerinas she’d performed with, who now ran a prestigious ballet school. ‘You were so smart,’ her mother had said into the phone, not realising Lexi was home. ‘Me, I did it all wrong. Honestly, getting pregnant was the biggest mistake of my life.’
Crushed, Lexi had left the house and walked three miles to Robyn’s house – where she arrived silent and devastated. She knew her mother’s ballet career was ended by her getting pregnant – but as Lexi grew up, she also realised that without ballet, her mother’s sense of self had vaporised, as if all along the ballet had been the support beam to her identity.
Was she scared that one day she’d turn around, just like her mother, and think, This baby was a mistake?
No. Lexi knew unequivocally that she wanted this baby – and she told Robyn as much.
Robyn took her hand, squeezed. ‘Good.’
So then, what was it? How did she explain this strange, pulsing unease lodged in her chest?
There was a knock at the door. It opened a crack and Bella poked her head around. ‘Permission to enter?’
‘Granted,’ Lexi said eventually.
Robyn got to her feet, slipping past Bella, saying, ‘I’m going to grab a drink.’
Bella took Robyn’s space on the bed. She lay flat on her back, boobs bouncing in her dress. ‘Sorry I was such a dick.’
Lexi shrugged and lay on her back, too.
They both stared up at the ceiling watching the fan whirl in slow circles.
‘I’m pleased for you – about the baby – really,’ Bella said. ‘It was just a shock.’
‘And for me.’
‘You told Robyn.’
She nodded.
‘Why?’
‘Because I was anxious about being here, on the hen do, with no one knowing. I needed to talk to someone.’
‘You could’ve talked to me. I’m your best friend.’
Bella always did that – labelled herself as Lexi’s best friend. She thought of both Robyn and Bella as her closest friends. She didn’t want to pick. ‘I didn’t tell you first as I wasn’t sure you’d be happy for me.’
‘God, I really am a bitch.’
After a moment, Bella rolled onto her side, pushing herself up on an elbow so that she faced Lexi. She smelled faintly of ouzo, the sweetness turning Lexi’s stomach. ‘I am happy for you, Lexi. Or what I mean is, I want everything for you. I want you to be happy. And if this is what you choose – a baby and a husband – then I will be happy, too. You know how I am … I take a while to adjust. That’s what was happening out on the terrace. I was doing my adjusting.’
Lexi got it. Of course she did.
‘I’m really sorry,’ Bella said, eyes glistening with tears.
‘It’s okay.’
‘It’s not okay. I’m a shit friend.’ Bella sat up fully, wiping her eyes.
Lexi sat up, too. ‘No, you’re not.’ She might have been strident and, yes, a little selfish at times, but Bella would have taken a bullet for her friends.
‘Can I?’ Bella asked, hovering her hand towards Lexi’s middle.
She nodded.
Tentatively, Bella placed her palm there. Lexi could feel the warmth of her hand through her cotton dress.
‘There’s a small swell …’
‘Trapped wind.’
‘Forever sexy.’ Bella didn’t withdraw her hand. She kept it there as she said, ‘We always said we wouldn’t be like the other people. No kids. No saloon cars. No pedestrian life.’
‘I know we did. But those other people, maybe they’re onto something.’
‘Maybe they are,’ she said, and in the low light, Lexi wondered if Bella’s eyes had filmed with tears.