“Within the Crypt Theatre foyer is the all-important box office, manned by my elderly twin uncles, Candy and Tufty Pluckers-Moggs, that is, when they’re not squabbling over who is going to use the ticket machine.
“For our ballet performances, tickets are purchased by members of the audience on a rather clever bartering system. Depending on the means and craftiness of the creature purchasing, there is anything from a polished pebble to a lady’s earring, a tap washer to a plastic bucket, a bunch of carrots to a horse shoe, a sack of corn to a cow bell; a clutch of eggs, cat collar, length of rope, a champagne cork – but sadly, never one yet, still attached to a full bottle. But we have had the occasional wellington boot ‘borrowed’ from Black Treacle Farm, much to the frustration of foul farmer, Stinkum Slurry and his smelly son, Dungdip, owners of the aforementioned boots.
“All items are exchanged for the Crypt Theatre’s own special coins known as puffs, toots and crocks. Made of metal, the coins are all the colours of the rainbow and each one is engraved with its value and a whiskery, smiley face on the ‘head’ side, and a pussy ballerina in a tutu on the ‘tail’.
“The smallest coin is a puff, which is sky blue and ten puffs make one toot. Toots come in four values and colours: a one toot coin is bright red, a ten toot coin is orange and yellow, a twenty toot coin is blue and green and a fifty toot coin is violet and indigo. It takes 100 toots to make one crock. Crocks are the most valuable coins and are of a gold colour; these are for the very rich or the very clever.
“Audience members, many and varied creatures, come from the Pluckerslea Estate, the local village of Pluckers Bottom, the surrounding countryside, woods and neighbouring farms – but definitely not Black Treacle Farm. We are not even on spitting terms with them!
“Printed programmes are purchased from the stall of Gertie the guinea pig, while tickets are checked and audience members shown swiftly and efficiently to their seats by Lucrezia, Boris and Babs, three beacon-headed, radar-equipped flying bats from the chapel belfry.
“White ducks Daphne and Delores, with their trays stacked high ready for the interval, sell popcorn and ice creams and all the audience are welcomed by the proudly beaming smile of Mr Gus-Gus McCuddly, a small, round, white and black cat of Scottish origin, newly promoted from stage door keeper to the important position of theatre manager.”
Mr Gus-Gus McCuddly