CHAPTER TEN
Give Your Body as a Gift
“Our God, who is spirit, can be found behind the very physical panting, sweating, and pleasurable entangling of limbs and body parts. He doesn’t turn away. He wants us to run into sex but to do so with his presence, priorities, and virtues marking our pursuit.”[1]
In the last scene, we left Solomon and Tirzah in the heat of the moment. Solomon had just awakened desire in his bride. As we reenter the bridal chamber, we see a lot of pleasurable entangling going on. The sexual temperature is near the boiling point and . . . well, we’ll let you see for yourself.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
Solomon to Tirzah: “You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; you have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes, with a single strand of your necklace.” (4:9)
The king’s heart is pumping! That enticing look of hers is driving him wild. Solomon literally says, “You have inflamed every cell of my body with desire, and I want you so badly I’m about to explode.”
Solomon to Tirzah: “How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!” (verse 10)
In the Western world, a husband would not call his wife his sister, but to Tirzah’s ears, this was a term of endearment.[2] The New Living Translation reads, “How sweet is your love, my treasure, my bride!”
Solomon to Tirzah: “How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than all kinds of spices!” (verse 10)
The word love (dod) refers to Tirzah’s skill in sexual love. Specifically, it refers to her sexual passion for Solomon: It is better to him than wine.[3] In Song 1:2, Tirzah says that Solomon’s lovemaking is sweeter than wine, and in this verse he says the same about her skill as a lover. Her caresses, embraces, and sensuous touch intoxicate him more than any wine. And her oils, those she naturally produces, are more fragrant to him than the world’s storehouse of frankincense and myrrh. The contrast here seems to be between naturally produced “oils” (the moisture associated with feminine passion) and manufactured perfumes. As you can see, things are heating up!
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your lips, my bride, drip honey; honey and milk are under your tongue, and the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.” (verse 11)
Here, Solomon compliments his bride on the sweetness of her kisses. Some mistakenly believe that a certain kind of kissing originated in France; however, Solomon discovered milk and honey (words suggesting abundant pleasure) under his bride’s tongue long before the French named the kiss.
The way the garment displayed Tirzah’s body took Solomon’s breath away. It seems to have been created from a very transparent fabric, because her adoring husband clearly described every part of her body, including her breasts and private “garden.”
The verses that follow are some of the most important of the Song, and they lead up to the climax of the book, the consummation of the sexual union.
Solomon to Tirzah: “A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a rock garden locked, a spring sealed up. Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, henna with nard plants, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes, along with all the finest spices. You are a garden spring, a well of fresh water, and streams flowing from Lebanon.” (verses 12-15)
Solomon is growing ever more excited as he describes in poetic imagery the most intimate part of Tirzah’s body as “a locked garden” and “a garden paradise.”
A locked garden: This image praises Tirzah’s virginity. In Palestine, rock walls surrounded gardens and vineyards in order to prevent strangers from intruding. Only the lawful owner of the garden could enter, and Solomon is this privileged one.
As pointed out earlier, the word garden is a reference to Tirzah’s vagina.[4] This word usage is full of poetic and symbolic beauty. The Hebrew word gan, which is translated here as “garden,” refers to “a plot of ground protected by a wall or hedge.”[5] These areas were irrigated and used to cultivate flowers, fruit, and vegetables. The phrase is ripe with double entendre. Gardens in biblical times were generally walled enclosures that were frequently irrigated (see Isaiah 58:11); they were rich with canals of running water, fountains, sweet-smelling herbs, aromatic blossoms, and convenient places in which to sit and enjoy the ambience.[6]
To the Hebrews, a garden was a lovely place of shade and refreshment. Only one who has traveled for days in a dry, glaring desert country (such as surrounds Palestine) and has come upon a beautiful shaded garden can appreciate how similar to paradise these gardens can appear. Thus to describe Tirzah’s vagina as a garden is to say it is beautiful to behold, like the flowered gardens of Engedi. It is for Solomon an oasis of sexual refreshment.
Tirzah’s “garden” is locked, sealed up. Because water was scarce in the East, owners of fountains sealed them with clay that quickly hardened in the sun. Thus, a sealed spring was protected from becoming impure; no one could drink of its water except the rightful owner. Solomon was about to remove the seal from his bride’s “garden” and drink deeply of the cool, refreshing water.
Solomon rejoiced that Tirzah had kept herself sexually pure. He was confident that her “garden” would remain, throughout their marriage, a “spring sealed up” for only the “rightful owner,” her husband. Each of these metaphors conveys the message that Tirzah’s sole allegiance is to Solomon. Before marriage, she saved herself for him, and throughout their marriage, she will keep her “garden” closed to all but him. She is exclusively his.
A garden paradise. This locked garden that is for Solomon alone is truly an exotic wonderland. In verse 13, when he says that shoots compose her garden, Solomon uses a different Hebrew word for garden, pardes —a word that leads to our English term paradise.[7] This “garden paradise” is filled with the choicest fruits and spices.
Tirzah has eagerly taken in all her husband’s praise, and with every word he utters, her own desire rises to match his. Up to this point, every recorded word of their wedding night has come from Solomon, but his sensuous imagery has created a sexual ache within her that cries out to be satisfied. Her words now burst forth in invitation.
Tirzah to Solomon: “Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south.” (verse 16)
The word awake in “awake, O north wind” is the same as that used in the refrain to the daughters of Jerusalem: “Do not awaken love until it pleases.” Previously the warning was do not awaken love, but the time has come to release the floodgate of passion. Abandon restraint! Express fully what has been held back for so long.
Tirzah calls out to the winds of passion, the winds of the north and south to blow upon her “garden.” In Palestine, the north wind brings clear weather and removes clouds, and the south wind brings warmth and moisture. When these winds blow across a garden, the combination of sun, rain, and warmth promotes growth. In this verse, Tirzah is asking Solomon to send the winds of passion, to stimulate her “garden” with caresses to promote the growth of her sexual passion.
Tirzah to Solomon: “Make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad.” (verse 16)
Another version reads, “Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around” (NLT). “The verb blow in reference to the wind is also used in 2:17 and 4:6 in a romantic setting. As the ‘winds’ blow through her ‘garden,’ first from one direction and then from another, Tirzah’s sexual passion grows and grows until all the fragrance of the garden rises in waves to become a sea of incense.”[8] Tirzah completely accepts her femininity and is anxious that Solomon fully experience what she has to offer. She relishes that he is highly aroused by the sight of her “garden” and by caressing it. Fully aroused, Tirzah urges her lover onward.
Tirzah to Solomon: “May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!” (verse 16)
Tirzah is anything but passive. Here she eagerly invites Solomon to possess her body. (“The use of the verb to come into is a standard Hebrew metaphor for sexual intercourse.”)[9] His heart leapt with joy! This banquet of luscious fruit was for him alone. While no one knows just how literally to take the verb to eat (and also the verb to blow), there is no doubt that Tirzah is inviting Solomon to sexual union of the most intimate type.[10]
Solomon to Tirzah: “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh along with my balsam. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.” (5:1)
Solomon is beside himself. “I have come,” “I have gathered,” “I have eaten,” “I have drunk.” He is satiated with pleasure. Nine times he uses the possessive my: my garden, my sister, my bride, my myrrh, my balsam, my honeycomb, my honey, my wine, my milk. The delights of his bride’s “garden” are overwhelming and exclusively his to enjoy.
This scene is holy and erotic. A husband and wife enjoy the intimate oneness of their first lovemaking experience together. As they lie in each other’s arms, wrapped in the afterglow of their love, another presence enters the room, and the scene is momentarily suspended. For the first time in the Song, someone addresses both Solomon and Tirzah together. We want to say, “No! This is private. No visitors allowed”; therefore, the presence cannot be that of the daughters of Jerusalem. Who could have the status to call the king and the queen “friends” (rayah) and “lovers” (dod)? Who could encourage the king and queen of Israel to take full pleasure in their erotic love? Who but the Holy One could be present at their wedding night? It is as if God Himself walks over to the bed and stretches out His hand in a benediction that expresses His delight and affirmation of their union.
God to the Couple: “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”[11] (5:1)
The Hebrew is very strong and carries the thought of intoxication. Imagine! Our Holy God says, “Be intoxicated with your sexual love! What you are doing is good, wholesome, and right. I approve and endorse your abandonment in giving yourselves freely to each other.” Our gracious God desires for every married couple to be intoxicated with sexual love, to revel with delight in the gift He has given.
APPLYING THE SONG FOR COUPLES
What a joy for Solomon and Tirzah to know from the onset of their marriage that God wanted them to intoxicate each other with their sexual love. How glorious for them to feel God’s hand of blessing on their intimacy.
Has God put a blessing upon your sexual union as a couple? Yes, He has. But have you received it?
Receive God’s Blessing
People who were raised in a strict environment where it was inappropriate to speak of God and sex in the same sentence often separate their sexuality from their spirituality. They find it difficult to believe that a holy God would bless something as “earthy” as sex. In fact, one woman said that she has a picture of Jesus hanging by her bed and that before she and her husband make love, they turn the picture to face the wall so that Jesus can’t watch what they are doing!
Those who have been sexually traumatized through an event in their pasts or through sexual abuse also might feel hesitant about receiving God’s blessing on their intimacy. It is difficult to receive blessing when it is connected to an area of your life that has resulted in much pain. Other couples fail to ask God’s blessing on their sexual relationship because they feel they don’t deserve it. That was true for Alec and Rachel. They told us,
Before we were married, we’d each had several sexual partners. When we received Christ’s forgiveness for our sins, we knew God forgave our sexual mistakes as well, but for some reason we still felt guilty —as though God didn’t approve. This caused us to feel restrained and inhibited in our lovemaking. When we read that God gave permission for us to be “intoxicated with delight” in our lovemaking, we could hardly believe it! We want this kind of freedom, but we don’t know how to make it a reality.
God makes all things new. He wants to bless your sexual intimacy; all you have to do is ask Him. But first you must believe that this blessing is for you. Will you believe? Will you stop thinking that God’s promise is for others but not for you? God gives you permission to be intoxicated with delight. Will you give yourself permission? Will you receive the blessing God eagerly desires to give?
If so, then we suggest you follow the advice we gave to Alec and Rachel. The next time you make love, after you have enjoyed being “one” and are still wrapped in each other’s arms, close your eyes and pray, God, please bless our intimacy. Then visualize Him standing by your bed. See Him lift His hand over you. Hear the words He speaks to you: “Eat friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”
What we are about to share next is one of the most important concepts in this book because it directly impacts your ability to embrace intimacy as God intended. Read carefully. Read slowly. Ask God to awaken your heart to all that is involved in giving your body as a gift to your mate.
Give Your Body as a Gift
Do you remember the table piled high with gifts at your wedding reception? Those gifts were expressions of love, a way for family and friends to bless your new life together as husband and wife. God also gave you a gift, but it wasn’t wrapped in a big box with a silver bow. Instead, He put His gift inside a package called “you.” God gave you and your mate the gift of sexual desire for one another.
God’s gift came with a set of instructions that, when followed, would provide maximum pleasure. What is God’s plan? On the wedding night, a husband and wife are to participate in a “gift exchange.”[12] In this gift exchange, a husband gives the gift of his body to his wife, and a wife gives the gift of her body to her husband. Sound fun? It is! And it’s exciting —the best gift you can open. God means for you to enjoy His gift, but giving the gift, as we see in this verse, also means giving authority of your body to your mate:
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:4)
The word authority, which means “to rule or have control over,” evokes a variety of reactions among husbands and wives. Some couples find it easy to give authority of their bodies to each other. These couples tell us that the mutual trust that exists between them enables them to experience great freedom and fun in their sexual relationship. They flow with each other because they focus on pleasing the other person rather than on pleasing themselves, which, as you already know, is at the heart of becoming a servant lover.
However, others find it challenging to give their spouses authority over their bodies. Although the reasons for this vary among husbands and wives, the result is the same. Both can give their bodies through sex, but something prevents them from giving complete authority to their mates and, as a result, they withhold a small part of themselves. Let’s examine this problem —and the solution —first from a wife’s point of view and then from a husband’s.
APPLYING THE SONG FOR WIVES
For a wife to give authority of her body to her husband is to say:
- I entrust my body to you —it is no longer mine but yours.
- I yield my body freely as a vessel to give and receive love.
- I am forever only yours —all of me.
But for some women, not only is this difficult but it can initially be frightening. Lorraine tells her story:
For years, the words authority and submit made me cringe inside, even though I didn’t know why. Then one day, God and I had a conversation about 1 Corinthians 7:4 that went something like this:
“I don’t like this verse, God. I don’t want to give authority of my body to Peter.”
Why not? You love him, don’t you?
“Yes, I love him. And I give him my body through sex. But does he have to own it as well?”
Silence.
“God, I want to obey you, but this is a lot to ask. I want to give authority of my body to Peter, but it’s just that, well, I’m afraid.”
Why are you afraid?
Now it was my turn for silence, because I really didn’t know.
Are you afraid of Peter?
“No.”
Then what?
It was a few moments before I could answer, but when I did, the truth of my words rocked me.
“I don’t want to give Peter authority of my body because then I’ll no longer be in control.”
Fear. I was afraid to give up control. Why? Not because of Peter but because of something else. Suddenly, my mind raced back through the years and pulled out a scene I’d stuffed into a locked closet in my mind: a seventeen-year-old boy on top of me, intent on raping me. My fists pounded his chest. Get off me! Screams. Terror. Helplessness. Stop! I can’t make him stop!
God saved me from the worst, but the damage was still done. I saw myself as I was then: a frightened teen with a look of steel on my face that declared, No one will ever have control over me again.
“Oh God, oh God, it was so scary,” I sobbed.
Yes, dear one, but Peter is not that boy.
“I know.”
He wants to love you, not to harm you.
“Yes.”
Will you love him as I’ve asked?
I knew that the freedom I longed for in our sexual relationship was connected to giving authority of my body to Peter. Giving him authority wasn’t something that happened overnight, but through a series of choices, I gave more and more of myself until finally he had all of me. Am I ever tempted to be selfish and take back control? Yes. But I’ve discovered that since crossing the line into obedience, there is new freedom and joy in our intimacy.
While some women withhold a part of themselves because of sexual abuse and rape, others do so because they feel guilty over choices they made in the past. As a college student, Kathy had given her body to her boyfriend. Kathy was a Christian and knew that sex before marriage was wrong, but she had engaged in it anyway. Guilt climbed on her back and refused to leave. Several years later, Kathy met and married Jake. He forgave Kathy for her past. She knew God had forgiven her as well, but the forgiveness in her head hadn’t reached her heart. She knew she needed help because she didn’t enjoy sex and it was causing a strain on her relationship with her husband. Linda relays what happened:
When Kathy told me her situation, I asked her, “Is it possible that you fail to enter fully into the enjoyment of sex because by withholding pleasure you are proving to God how sorry you are for what you did before you married?”
She thought for a moment and then said, “I’ve never thought about that before, but I think you are right.”
“Kathy,” I continued, “I think the forgiveness you understand in your mind will sink down into your emotions if you take a significant action toward loving your husband as God says he is to be loved.” I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians 7:4. As we looked at the verse together, I explained that it was God’s plan that on the wedding night a husband and wife were to participate in a “gift exchange” by giving authority of their bodies to one another.
“Based on this verse, what action do you think God would want you to take toward Jake?”
“Well, Valentine’s Day is next Saturday. I can’t think of a better gift to give him.”
Kathy called me a week later and said, “Linda, I copied pages of my journal about my Valentine’s night with Jake for you because I think what happened to me may help other women.”
February 14: Tonight is the night I give my body to my husband. Honestly, I’m nervous. Why? This is what You desire of me, God. Why am I so nervous?
February 15: Last night was a sweet evening. I told Jake when I gave my body to him that I never really fully gave my body when we were married. There were lots of ifs and nos. Depending on my mood, I would give a little of my body or all of my body but always it was my decision for it was my body. So with a ribbon on and nothing else, I stood before him and offered myself. He wept. Do I feel different? Yes! It is a constant reminder that I am his, a visual memory that this body belongs to him.
This past Valentine’s Day, Kathy told us that her choice to stand before Jake clad in her bow was the beginning of a new sexual relationship. The action of giving authority of her body to Jake in a creative way released her to walk in forgiveness and freed her to enjoy sexual intimacy with her husband. We’ve told Kathy’s story at various Intimate Issues conferences around the country, and it’s inspired creative responses from thousands of women. Here’s an example:
I knew I had to do the bow thing soon or I would chicken out, so I decided that night was the night. I couldn’t find any ribbon in the house, but I did find a package of stick-on bows and figured they could do the job.
Later that evening, dressed in only my birthday suit, I stuck bows all over my body in appropriate places. Attired in only bows, I sat beside my husband on the edge of the bed and explained what I had learned from 1 Corinthians 7. I told him that I’d never given authority of my body to him and that I was doing that now. My body was my gift to him. Then I invited him to “unwrap” me. He reached for a sticky bow. He tugged and tugged, but the bows would not come off! We rolled around on the bed, laughing until we both cried. I’ll never forget that night. Not only was it a significant moment for us because it deepened our oneness, but it felt so good to laugh together.
Dear wife, have you given your body as a gift to your husband? If not, what would God want you to do?
APPLYING THE SONG FOR HUSBANDS
While the bow idea appeals to wives —and to their husbands —very few men are inclined to don a bow.
We asked the men in our field-test Intimacy Ignited Bible study what it meant for them to hand over authority of their body to their wife. Most admitted they hadn’t given it much thought, but as we discussed the matter, Terry verbalized what many seemed to believe:
I don’t think men struggle with giving authority of their body to their wives. You want authority? Take it. It’s yours. Do whatever you want, once, twice. Given the chance, we would gladly submit authority of our bodies to our wives in the morning, afternoon, evening, and middle of the night and twice on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I think this is one of the mysteries that men battle with. Why don’t women have this same attitude?
For most men, the issue is not the “giving over” part but rather the idea of “giving up.” To give authority of your body to your wife involves sacrifice. Some husbands feel that after they are married they should never have to exercise self-restraint again because, after all, they now have a wife who is supposed to satisfy their sexual needs. But giving authority of your body to your wife means there will be times you must deny your own sexual desire so you can serve her. Here’s a case in point:
After my wife’s hysterectomy, the doctor told her, “Your body needs to heal. No sex for six weeks.” Instead of empathizing with Martha about the operation, I whined inside. Six weeks without sex? I’ll turn into a serial killer. But then a voice inside me whispered, “Bill, this is your opportunity to give control of your body to Martha.” What do You mean, Lord? I don’t understand. The Lord reminded me of the many times Martha had spoken my love language —sex —even when she wasn’t up to it. Now it was my turn to speak her love language —service. For the next six weeks, I picked up after the kids, drove them to their activities, vacuumed the house, gave Martha foot rubs, and even did the laundry. (Most of my underwear is now pink.) In all honesty, I was often tempted to take sexual matters into my own hands, so to speak, but I knew this wasn’t the answer. God was teaching me self-discipline. I went to Him often and prayed that He would replace my sexual desire with a desire to serve my wife. He did because He is faithful —and so was I.
Jesus said, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me” (Mark 8:34). At times, following Jesus and being a servant lover means denying your sexual needs in order to serve your wife.
Keep Your Eyes on Your Wife
Giving authority of your body also means committing to lifetime exclusivity.
We like this quote from Aristotle: “Now a virtuous wife is best honored when she sees that her husband is faithful to her and has no preference for another woman but before all others loves and trusts her and holds her as his own.” Husbands, your body belongs to only your wife. You, in turn, are to look at only her, think of only her, and be sexually satisfied by her love only.
To give authority is to say to your wife:
- I will make a covenant with my eyes never to look lustfully at another woman, whether in the flesh, in my mind, on a piece of paper, or on a computer screen.
- I will turn to only you to meet my sexual needs.
- I will be sexually faithful to you.
To give your wife authority over your body means she is to possess all of you, even your eyes. Job 31:1 says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (NIV). Here’s Jody’s take on it:
Like Job, I made a covenant with my eyes because not only does Linda need to know that I notice her, she needs to know that I do not notice other women, at least not beyond a casual glance. I was inspired to make this covenant after reading the resolutions of Jonathan Edwards. I realized one way I could honor Linda was to adopt Edwards’ practice, to make a resolution that I would never be unfaithful to her in thought or deed. It has been surprisingly easy to keep once my mind was set.
Making a covenant is one way to manage your eyes. The authors of Every Man’s Battle suggest two other practical possibilities:
- Bounce the eyes —This is the process of training your eyes to immediately “bounce” away from sights of pretty women or sensual images. They say if you can “bounce your eyes” for six weeks, you can win the battle of sexual temptation.
- Starve the eyes —This is a conscious choice not to expose yourself to any image or activity that might produce sexual gratification outside of marriage.[13]
Joel, a missionary, practiced none of these techniques. He had roving eyes. His lovely wife, Colleen, couldn’t help but notice. Where was he looking now? What busty blonde were his eyes glued to today? Colleen repeatedly told her husband that his wandering eyes made her feel unloved and angry, but he laughed off her comments, telling her that he was faithful to her, so what did it matter? Wasn’t his fidelity enough? When he heard us teach that for a husband to give authority of his body to his wife means that his eyes belong to her, Joel realized that he had been selfish and wrong. He wrote the following to his wife:
Colleen, today, February 4, I give my body to you. I give every part —including my eyes. From this day forward, I will look only at you.
Proverbs says that a man is to be delighted sexually by only his wife. His eyes, mind, heart, and body are to be refreshed by her love alone:
Drink water from your own cistern
And fresh water from your own well.
Should your springs be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be yours alone
And not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
As a loving hind and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
Be exhilarated always with her love. (5:15-19)
God desires that a couple be exhilarated with each other’s love. Solomon and Tirzah understood this from the beginning. God is gracious to allow us to share in the joy of their wedding night and see the beauty of their gift exchange so that we might have an example to follow.
How do servant lovers respond to the images of the blessing of God and the gift exchange? Servant lovers say, “Yes, God. We acknowledge that You want to bless our intimacy, and we gratefully receive Your blessing. We see the beauty of the gift exchange and desire to give authority of our bodies to each other.” Servant lovers want to please God, and they want to delight each other. A willing spirit can ignite intimacy in your marriage and open you up to new delights and possibilities.
In other chapters, we’ve asked you to pray about some issue we’ve raised. But this time, we want to pray for you. We extend our hand of blessing over you and pray,
Lord, bless this couple. Bless their intimate moments. Infuse them with Your Holy Spirit so they may obey Your Word and be servant lovers to one another. Lord, where there is hurt, bring healing. Where there is discouragement, bring hope. Let them love freely, honestly, passionately, completely. May the flame of their love burn strong and bright so that they might be a reflection of You. Amen.
SERVANT LOVERS: Give the gift of their body to their mate.
SELFISH LOVERS: Say, “My body is my own, and I’ll give it when it suits me.”