CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Be Free to Be Creative
“Everything about our lovemaking is familiar. The bedroom is familiar. Our bodies are familiar. He touches me; I touch him —always in the same way and the same place. Ten minutes later, it’s over. This is supposed to be thrilling? How do we get out of this rut?”
Once again, the Song leaps forth with answers to our questions. Once again, solutions are found when we decide to be servant lovers to our mate.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
Let’s recap Tirzah’s choices to be a servant lover. First, she used her mind to shift her body into sexual gear. Next, she performed a dance to the delight of her husband. Surely this was more than enough to let Solomon know she desired to be the lover of his dreams. But she does even more. Here she schedules a weekend away in the country and tells him of her plans to make love with him —not in the predictable environment of a bedroom but outside in the vineyard!
Tirzah to Solomon: “Come, my beloved, let us go out into the country, let us spend the night in the villages.” (7:11)
One commentator suggests that Solomon and Tirzah are probably not married at this point, because married couples don’t have time to seek out hidden hideaways to make love. We disagree. Married couples desperately need to create new and exciting lovemaking adventures, and Tirzah is superb at planning romantic encounters. She calls to her husband to come away with her —away from the pressure of palace life, away from his daily responsibilities. Together, they will flee to the countryside, where life is lazy and serene. And at the top of Tirzah’s agenda for their time together are two key words: renewal and romance.
Tirzah to Solomon: “Let us rise early and go to the vineyards; let us see whether the vine has budded and its blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates have bloomed. There I will give you my love.” (verse 12)
Notice that Tirzah says, “Let us,” four times in verses 11 and 12. This is a time for just the two of them. They will rise early before other people are awake and go to the rows of grapevines, where it is easy to hide among the branches laden with leaves and fruit. They will bask in the fresh air and beauty of the springtime morning —and in each other —for outdoors, in God’s glorious creation, Tirzah promises to give Solomon her love.
A striking characteristic of the Song in comparison to the love literature of the Ancient Near East is its use of metaphors related to fruit to describe the pleasures of love. We read of engorged grapes, ripening and juicy.[1] The lovers want to be intoxicated with love’s sweet fruit (2:3) and its sensuous wine.
When Tirzah asks Solomon to come with her to the country and make love outdoors, she speaks of the opening of grape blossoms and pomegranates in bloom (7:12). She then tells him she will give him the “juice” of her pomegranates (8:2-3). This wife is not a passive partner in their lovemaking. She is eager and active as she dispenses the mixed wine and pomegranate juice.
Tirzah to Solomon: “The mandrakes have given forth fragrance; and over our doors are all choice fruits, both new and old, which I have saved up for you, my beloved.” (verse 13)
As the couple lies among the grapevines, the walls of their secret hideaway are not carved of wood but fashioned by the Almighty out of His bounty. Mandrakes were a well-known aphrodisiac, but it appears Tirzah doesn’t need them. She has taken the initiative, calling her husband to come with her to the vineyards where she will unwrap surprises especially for him. This creative wife entices her husband by telling him, “I have planned new delights for you —things we’ve never done before. I have old delights —some of your favorites —that are sure to please you.” You just know this king was beside himself with excitement!
Then, after offering her invitation to a lover’s tryst in the outdoors, Tirzah seems to make an abrupt mood shift.
Tirzah: “Oh that you were like a brother to me who nursed at my mother’s breasts. If I found you outdoors, I would kiss you; no one would despise me, either.” (8:1)
Here we see the young bride’s thoughts. Tirzah doesn’t wish that they were literally brother and sister; she simply wishes they were as free as siblings are to express their love in public.[2] In that culture, it was acceptable for a brother and sister to hold hands or kiss in public, but not for a husband and wife.[3]
Tirzah: “I would lead you and bring you into the house of my mother, who used to instruct me; I would give you spiced wine to drink from the juice of my pomegranates.” (verse 2)
The reason for Tirzah’s reference to her mother’s home is unclear. But in view of the erotic associations that follow and her request for intimacy in verse 3, it seems likely that Tirzah’s mother was the one who first taught her about intimacy.
Tirzah’s wish that she and Solomon could demonstrate their love in public quickly turns into a desire for intimacy in private. She again takes the initiative: “I would lead you; I would give you the juice of my pomegranates.” Her words express desire for an intimate rendezvous with her lover.
Tirzah: “Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.” (verse 3)
Tirzah imagines Solomon’s left hand under her head as she lies on her back, and his right hand “embracing” or “fondling” her breasts and “garden.”[4]
Solomon: “I want you to swear, O daughters of Jerusalem, do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases.” (verse 4)
This is the third time Tirzah addresses the imaginary chorus with this warning: “Do not arouse or awaken love until she pleases.” Here’s a quick review of what we believe is the meaning behind these three warnings:[5]
First warning, 2:7: If you want to have the maximum sexual joy and fulfillment in marriage, do not allow sexual arousal to occur with anyone before marriage.
Second warning, 3:5: If you want to objectively evaluate marriage to a particular person, do not allow yourself to become sexually stimulated by this person, or else your objectivity will be lost.
Third warning, 8:4: Here the message seems to be that because there are sexual adjustments to be made after you’ve said, “I do,” do not complicate things further by bringing into the marriage guilt and scars from previous sexual encounters.
When one enters marriage free of guilt, it is easier to become a creative, uninhibited lover like Tirzah.
Did you ever expect to read in God’s Word about a husband and wife making love in a vineyard? We think it is wonderful. Our God gives us such freedom. We thank Him, and we thank Tirzah. She shows us that a wife can be assertive and seductive. She takes the initiative and plans this outdoor escapade. This wife is supremely confident of her capacity to delight her husband and articulates all the pleasures she has in store for him.
APPLYING THE SONG FOR COUPLES
We can become a Rembrandt in the art of loving our mate, or we can stay at the paint-by-numbers stage. We can throw wild colors on the canvas of our lovemaking, or only connect the dots. If we always make love the same way, in the same place, in the same position, it is like an artist who paints using only the color green. Even if green is your favorite color, if all the paintings in your home were shades of emerald, you would eventually shout, “Borrrrring!”
Tirzah was a colorful wife when it came to making love. On the canvas of their sexual intimacy, she splashed vibrant yellows, rich browns, and vivid blues as she invited Solomon to an outdoor escapade under an azure sky. Her example inspires three ideas for how couples can fuel the flame of intimacy in their marriages: consider an outdoor adventure, schedule alone time for loving, and enjoy new and old sexual delights.
The illustrations that follow offer practical ideas for each of these areas. Certain ideas are ones we have tried and found beneficial; others come from creative lovers who have given us permission to share their stories. Some of the ideas may surprise you; others might make you laugh. Our hope is that what you read will inspire you to infuse color and fun into your intimacy and encourage you to grow as a Rembrandt in your sexual art!
Consider an Outdoor Adventure
Perhaps when you read of Tirzah and Solomon making love in the vineyards, you thought, No big deal; we’ve made love outside before. Or maybe for you it is a big deal and Tirzah’s outdoor adventure left you gulping, “I could never do that.” One wife said this is how she felt:
I was definitely out of my comfort zone. Whatever possessed me to tell Garrett I was up for finding a secluded area and spending a night of wild lovemaking in the back of his new truck? As we drove around looking for the perfect spot, visions of police with flashlights filled my mind. God, I silently prayed, help me here. I’m trying to be creative, but I need someplace that feels safe and private.
A few minutes later, we spotted a sign for a Christian retreat center. We drove in and the caretaker, with a knowing smile, said we could park our truck anywhere on the grounds for the day and the night! My husband said it was the perfect christening for his truck.
If you are fearful of being discovered, consider something closer to home:
Our outdoor adventure was not in the light of day but under a canopy of stars —on our son’s trampoline. We snuggled under the blanket, and with each shooting star, things began to heat up. We discovered that the spring of the trampoline offered a fun bounce to a most memorable night.
You might want to plan a picnic by moonlight. It’s easy and fun. Here’s what you’ll need:
Props: lantern, two blankets, cheese, crackers, grapes, sparkling cider, snack-size candy bars, your portable music device, and one backyard free of yipping pets and biting mosquitoes. (If you are concerned about being in the backyard while your children are alone in the house, take a baby monitor with you.)
Directions: In your backyard, spread out a blanket, food, cider, and iPhone, iPad, or wherever device you use to store your favorite music. Lay aside the second blanket for later. After the kids are asleep, venture to your picnic spot by lantern light. Sit on the blanket and enjoy quiet conversation and words of affirmation as you share tasty delicacies. When you have finished the main meal, pull the second blanket over you and enjoy dessert —chocolate and each other.
We’ve given you three outdoor lovemaking possibilities. Perhaps one is right for you, perhaps not. A couple does not have to make love in the wild to be creative in their sexual intimacy. Ask your mate, “Honey, would you feel comfortable making love outdoors?” If the answer is no, consider other things you can do to add adventure to your sexual relationship. If the answer is yes, discuss where you could go and when you could enjoy this creative encounter.
Each couple must seek how creativity is spelled for them. One way to develop creativity is to plan time for just you and your mate.
Schedule Time Alone for Loving
How many times have you said to each other, “We desperately need a weekend away together”? How many times have you read in a marriage book or heard your pastor say, “It’s critical that husbands and wives carve out time for one another so that they can stay connected in their marriage”? We’ve made similar suggestions in this book. All the while you nod your head in agreement, Yes, we need time alone. The question is, When was the last time you scheduled time for just the two of you for intimate loving?
We know that scheduling alone time is difficult. We know it can be expensive. We know you worry about whom you can trust to care for the children. We know all this, and yet we also know that it is imperative that you occasionally get away from the pressures and demands of ordinary life so that you can reconnect and refresh one another.
Consider making every anniversary your primary escape time. Lorraine and Peter do this. Each year, they get away and do something together they have never done before. Sometimes the new thing is sexual; other times it is going to a new place. One year they hiked a mountain trail rated “most beautiful in all of Colorado.” Another year they danced on the beach to the music of crashing ocean waves. Over the years, they have built over thirty memories that only the two of them share.
Half the fun of an anniversary getaway is preparing for it. So visit a travel agency and grab some brochures, or hop online and print out vacation destinations not far from where you live. Here are some tips for planning that special time:
- Dream about the possibilities and brainstorm about where you would like to go.
- Set the date (and an alternate date as a backup). Cross out the days on your calendar, hopefully on or near your anniversary.
- Discuss resources you will need for the weekend (budget, babysitting, someone to take your place teaching Sunday school, pet or plant care, and so on).
- Write down several expectations each of you has for your time away.
As the date draws near:
- Build anticipation by writing each other e-mails or notes of your excitement to be away together.
- Purchase items you may need (lingerie, foods, gifts for each other).
- Make a packing list. Include items that will contribute to romance, such as music and candles. You may want to take this book and set aside time to read out loud to one another. The chapters will put you in the mood for loving, and the Couple Time questions in the Bible study will serve as fodder for the fire of many intimate moments together!
If you are on a tight budget, commit to putting one dollar each day in a special getaway fund; 365 dollars is enough for a fun weekend. And the anticipation you feel each time you deposit a dollar in the box is worth more than a dollar. But if a dollar a day is beyond your budget, take heart and learn from this wife who planned a million-dollar anniversary night for under a hundred dollars:
First, I told Jeff not to schedule anything for the night of our anniversary. Then, I booked a hotel (I found a special forty-five-dollar weekend offer). After I left the children at their grandma’s, I put our motel key in an anniversary card and wrote, “Meet me at _______________________ Motel, Room ________.” Jeff found this on the kitchen table when he came home from work. Meanwhile, I purchased a takeout meal from his favorite Italian restaurant (twenty dollars), bought some roses for half price, and placed rose petals all over the bed and floor of our hotel room. I had romantic music playing and seven dollars’ worth of candles all around our hideaway. He unlocked the door with a huge grin on his face to find a candlelit room, the aroma of rose petals, romantic music, lasagna, and me in a skimpy nightie.
Another husband, Gregg, surprised his wife on their tenth anniversary with a weekend at a ski resort:
Our romantic condominium, complete with cozy fireplace and a view of snowcapped mountains, would have been enough to delight Karen, but further surprises awaited her one evening as she walked into the bedroom and found a box filled with twelve different items. Some of the items were coupons; others were fun gifts. Each had a message attached to it and was labeled with a month of the year. I told her, “Start with January and go progressively through each month. Everything in this box is my way of showing you that I intend to love you not only today, which is our anniversary, but all year long.” Here are the items I included:
January: Anniversary card. “After a day of slipping down the slopes, I want to make love to you by the fire.”
February: Five-dollar certificate for Barnes & Noble. “Let’s sip coffee and look at books and dream about where we want to go for next year’s anniversary.”
March: Video rental coupon and popcorn. “Good for a night of munching, watching the movie of your choice, and holding hands.”
April: Bath gel and massage lotion. “For us to enjoy April showers.”
May: Thirty-five-dollar certificate to a local nursery. “For you and me to enjoy planting May flowers.”
June: Bag of marshmallows. “Meet me at the fire pit in our backyard after the kids are asleep.”
July: Lemon. “Meet me on the patio for lemonade on a warm Saturday afternoon when the kids are not at home.”
August: Handmade coupon. “Good for one ice cream cone and ten compliments about why I love you.”
September: Handmade coupon (with a leaf taped to it). “Good for a walk to remember among the falling leaves.”
October: Bag of Hershey’s Kisses. “Each chocolate good for one kiss placed exactly where you request.”
November: Blank coupon. “Good for _____________________ (fill in the blank).”
December: An angel Christmas ornament. “Because you are my angel, I will do three chores of your choice (wrap presents, put up the lights, assemble toys for the kids, and so on).”
Getting away requires planning and creativity. The key is to leave your own environment and go someplace where you can enjoy each other and temporarily leave the worries of life. Do you know someone you’d like to visit who lives in another state? Ask if he or she would like to house swap for a few days. Or plan a road trip to one of the national forests and camp at the grounds. An anniversary is not going to visit relatives, but it is finding alone time for the two of you.
Most of life is not made up of vacation getaways but of routine days in which the responsibilities of life demand our attention. So what can you do when you’re not on vacation? How can you add adventure and the vibrant color of creativity to your ordinary days? This next section contains plenty of ideas.
Enjoy New and Old Delights
After a few years of marriage, most husbands and wives have a storehouse of old delights. You know what has pleased each other in the past and trust that those ways of loving will please in the future —you know each other’s favorite time to make love; you know each other’s favorite position; and you know the touches that arouse, the scents that excite.
Spend an evening together sharing your most memorable times of lovemaking. Reminisce about the where, when, and why that made it one of your favorites. It feels good to speak of the things only the two of you share, doesn’t it? This is the joy of old delights.
We admit there’s an element of danger in trying something new. What if your spouse doesn’t like your new creative position, or says, “But I like what we always do”? What if your plans turn out less pleasurable than what you’ve done in the past? This is likely. “When you try the floor instead of the bed, you may end up with carpet burns on your knees and a sore back the next morning. If you sneak out in the dead of night to enjoy your lover by the light of the silvery moon, you may both end up with the worst case of chiggers in three counties.”[6]
But you took a risk, and that’s the point. You tried something new. You created a memory together. You ventured out into the realm of the unknown. If you aren’t sure where to begin, we suggest you ask each other the following question: What is your idea of a dream lovemaking encounter? One wife who asked her husband this question related the following story:
He replied with little hesitation, “After a foot massage, in front of a fire —on a bearskin rug.” Well, I had massage creams and a fireplace, but the bearskin rug presented a challenge. After a series of phone calls, I located a trapper in British Columbia. I told him what I wanted and why, and luckily he said he had a bearskin to help me fulfill my husband’s dream. A month later, the rug arrived. I called my husband at work and told him to come home promptly at 6:00 p.m. because I had a surprise for him. The look on his face when he saw me, the blazing fire, and the bear’s eyes was worth all the effort and expense. The bearskin rug now hangs on our bedroom wall as a fun memory for us.
Some husbands and wives don’t ask what new adventure their spouse would like; they just prepare, plan, and then involve their mate in the outcome. Jennifer’s husband was in the hospital for minor surgery. She donned her nurse’s uniform —without undergarments —and snuck into his room while he was sleeping. Then she took his wrist in her hand and said, with her blouse wide open, “Let me take your pulse, sir.” He awoke with a smile.
Another creative wife blindfolded her husband and gave him some simple ground rules:
I told him, “No talking and no using hands; just lie back and enjoy. This is an evening to arouse all your senses using love potions, until we’re standing on the edge of ecstasy and we dive together into the Lake of Love.” Then I did various things to please him using the five senses. I appealed to his sense of taste with love potions of chocolate sauce, blueberry sauce, cheesecake, and so on; his sense of smell with scented candles and perfumed lotions; his sense of hearing with the sounds of ocean waves crashing from our iPad; and his sense of sight by removing his blindfold and dancing nude over him. Afterward, we did indeed dive into the Lake of Love!
Creative lovers plan new delights custom-made for their mate. If your husband or wife likes sports or working on your home or cars, the following creative ideas may inspire your thinking:
“My husband loves cars, and he often suggested we wash our car together. So one night when our teenagers were out for the evening, I closed the blinds in our garage (it had a drain and hot and cold running water) and brought out new bright flip-flops, a bucket of suds for the car, a new ladder for me to use, and sponges for the car and for us. When I appeared in flip-flips and nothing else, my car-loving man was beside himself with joy. I think he even liked washing me more than he did the car!”
“I am a big baseball fan and get caught up every year in the World Series. My husband always says I major in baseball during the series and not in loving him. He had been out of town for a few days and was coming back the night of the seventh game. I wanted to please him but also wanted to watch the game, so I set the stage for love and a ball game. In front of the television, I placed two stadium chairs, pom-poms, a big stadium blanket, and two baseball caps (which were the only clothing allowed in our stadium). I made something to drink and also some hot dogs and popcorn —things we could feed each other. Dessert was, well . . . you can guess. I had everything set up (myself included) when he walked in the door. It brought my husband much joy, and I got to watch most of the game! From that night on, he said that fall is his favorite season because the World Series is on.”
“When we need some home improvements, my wife and I have found painting walls in the nude to be fun as well as efficient. The job is shared, it’s fun, and your clothes don’t get paint on them!”
You have probably laughed at some of the delights described here, but what do you do if ordering a bearskin rug or blindfolding your mate and saying, “No hands, no talking; just lie back and enjoy” is outside your comfort zone? What do you do if you feel God missed you when He passed out creative genes?
Our best advice would be this: Be persistent, and don’t expect perfection. We wish we could promise you that every creative encounter will turn out exactly as you have planned. But after being married for many years and enduring broken-down cars, sick children, and arguments the morning of the getaway, we know that reality can overtake the ideal of what we plan. Linda tells what happened when she planned a new delight for Jody:
We were long overdue for a romantic adventure, so I called a friend and scheduled her mountain condominium for a romantic weekend getaway. I was determined to plan something new sexually, but I had no ideas. I walked around our house and prayed, God, show me something fun that will build a memory for us. In the hallway closet, I spied an Easter basket filled with brightly colored plastic eggs that I’d gotten for the grandchildren. Instantly, I knew what to do.
I went to the grocery store and purchased a large box of Milk Duds, Jody’s favorite candy, which would be his “sweet treat.” Then I wrote out on tiny pieces of paper a “sexual treat.” In each plastic egg, I put both some sweets and sexual treat. Perfect!
Each morning, I tossed Jody a plastic egg from the basket. One morning I tossed him a hot pink egg. He opened the egg, popped the Milk Duds in his mouth, and smiled in expectation as he read the sexual treat. All at once, he yelled, “Oh, no!” He pulled the Milk Duds out of his mouth, and with the candy came a bridge with four crowns. We quickly dialed the number of a local dentist. As Jody stood at the door with his teeth in his hands, I said, “Grandpa, I’ll be here waiting for you when you get your teeth glued back in.”
That particular creative sexual encounter cost six thousand dollars. Most likely, your teeth will not fall out, nor will it cost you a fortune when you plan a creative sexual encounter, but something discouraging may happen. Don’t give up! The memories you create together will be worth the effort. Be persistent. Also, keep in mind the privacy factor. If you plan an outdoor adventure in a national forest, consider the possibility of bird-watchers with binoculars who might also be in the area. If you arrange for an afternoon of loving in front of a fire, make sure that UPS is not scheduled for a delivery. And if you are at a family reunion in a house filled with people, be careful that —well, we’ll let Gavin tell you in his own words about certain precautions you may need to take.
We were in a living room full of relatives attending a family reunion. It was 2:00 p.m., time for the baby’s feeding, so Erika bounded up the stairs to breastfeed our three-month-old daughter. Bored with family gossip, I joined Erika in the bedroom. Together, we put the baby down for her nap and then proceeded to have a quick, passionate romp on the carpet. Afterward, we ventured back down the stairs to utter silence. Many sat with heads hung. Others squirmed uncomfortably in their seats, avoiding eye contact. We wondered if someone had died! What had happened here? Then we saw on the table the reason for their silence: the baby monitor, turned to high volume!
So our caution is: Ensure privacy! But our encouragement is: Have fun! Be free:
Free to use your mind in creative and sensuous ways
Free to forgive and use your words to delight your mate
Free to use your body to intoxicate your lover
Free to be creative
We hope this chapter has spurred your creativity. A servant lover is a creative lover who enjoys sexual freedom, schedules alone time, and discovers new ways to delight his or her mate sexually. Will you tell God that you are willing to grow in creativity and adventurous lovemaking?
Gracious Lord, thank You for giving us such joy and freedom in our intimacy. Take us deeper in all it means for us to be free to be creative.
SERVANT LOVERS: Are free to be creative in their lovemaking.
SELFISH LOVERS: Are unwilling to try creative new ways to please their mate.
“Who is this coming up from the wilderness
Leaning on her beloved?”
SOLOMON:
“Beneath the apple tree I awakened you;
There your mother was in labor with you,
There she was in labor and gave you birth.”
TIRZAH TO SOLOMON:
“Put me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy is as severe as Sheol;
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
The very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor will rivers overflow it;
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,
It would be utterly despised.”
TIRZAH’S BROTHERS:
“We have a little sister,
And she has no breasts;
What shall we do for our sister
On the day when she is spoken for?
If she is a wall,
We will build on her a battlement of silver;
But if she is a door,
We will barricade her with planks of cedar.”
“I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers;
Then I became in his eyes as one who finds peace.
Solomon had a vineyard at Baal-hamon;
He entrusted the vineyard to caretakers.
Each one was to bring a thousand shekels of silver for its fruit.
My very own vineyard is at my disposal;
The thousand shekels are for you, Solomon,
And two hundred are for those who take care of its fruit.”
SOLOMON TO TIRZAH:
“O you who sit in the gardens,
My companions are listening for your voice —
Let me hear it!”
TIRZAH TO SOLOMON:
“Hurry, my beloved,
And be like a gazelle or a young stag
On the mountains of spices.”
SONG OF SOLOMON 8:5-14
