CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Fan the Fire of Lifelong Love
“Today in the newspaper there was a picture of a couple who have been married fifty years. They look like they are still so much in love. How can anyone keep passion alive for fifty years? It seems impossible.”
Is lifelong passion possible? Yes. We began this book by asking, “Where did all the passion go?” Each succeeding chapter has demonstrated creative ways to ignite and fuel the flame of intimacy in marriage by becoming a servant lover. Now we come to the culmination of the teaching of the Song. It ends as it began —with the declaration, “Enjoy your sexual love!”
Because 8:5-14 is the longest scene in the Song, we’ve organized the commentary under four subjects so that you can better understand the poet’s intent in explaining lifelong love: love awakened, love defined, love developed, and love enjoyed.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
Love Awakened
The Chorus: “Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?” (8:5)
Apparently, Solomon and Tirzah have just come from their outdoor hideaway, where they shared their love. This description of Tirzah as leaning on her lover denotes intimacy and mutual dependence, and alludes to their recent lovemaking.
Solomon: “Beneath the apple tree I awakened you; there your mother was in labor with you, there she was in labor and gave you birth.” (verse 5)
Here Solomon reflects on Tirzah’s home and birthplace. The reference to the apple tree could be literal, suggesting an actual tree next to her childhood home, or it could be symbolic. The apple tree, which is a fruit tree with a sensuous scent, produces an appropriate atmosphere for awakening love. We have seen the apple connected with the place of sexual excitement and arousal before (see 2:3,5; 7:8).
The two verses that follow present the theme of the Song. Let’s look at them first in their entirety and then phrase by phrase. What will unfold is one of the most beautiful definitions of love ever penned.
Love Defined
Tirzah to Solomon: “Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as Sheol; its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it; if a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, it would be utterly despised.” (verses 6-7)
How can you describe love? It is so wide, so high, so deep. In an attempt to capture the depth and expanse of her emotion, Tirzah uses a series of images to communicate that her love for Solomon is intimate, intense, indestructible, and invaluable.
Tirzah: “Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.” (verse 6)
LOVE IS INTIMATE.
The seal spoken of here is the seal of ownership and personal identification;[1] it’s an allusion to the seals of that day —engraved tablets, worn openly over the breast, or a signet, worn on the arm or hand.[2] (Today the seal for married couples is a wedding ring.) To possess someone’s seal is to have access to all that the person represents or owns. Tirzah wants to deeply and openly imprint her claim on her lover.[3] She pleads with Solomon to display that ownership over his heart, the symbol of affection, or on his arm, the source of strength, so that it is immediately apparent to anyone he meets that he belongs to her, and she to him.
Tirzah: “For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as Sheol.” (verse 6)
LOVE IS INTENSE.
Tirzah says that love is as strong as death. Upon first glance, this imagery may not seem romantic. But think with us. Death is final, permanent, and irreversible. Like death, Solomon and Tirzah’s love is permanent; it will endure because it is irresistible, resolute, and unshakable.
Next she says that love is jealous. We often think of jealousy as a green-eyed monster, but here jealousy denotes single-minded devotion. Scripture describes two relationships in which jealousy is positive and appropriate: God’s jealousy for His people, and the jealousy between a husband and wife. God insists upon exclusive devotion, which is also essential in the marriage. If this love is compromised, jealousy is a proper response because so much hangs on the integrity of the relationship. It is so basic, so deep that it stirs up strong emotions and passions.
Tirzah: “Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD.” (verse 6)
The picture here is holy and beautiful. The hotly burning flame illustrates the great power and energy of ahabah (covenant) love between a husband and wife. The flashes of ahabah are the very flame of the Lord. The Hebrew word Shalhebetyah, translated as “flame of the Lord,” may mean “extremely intense, a mighty flame or a vehement flame.” However, the suffix yah refers to Yahweh and therefore specifically identifies this flame as the flame of Yahweh.
Ahabah was fueled by erotic passion, dod. The flame grew brighter when the fuel of companionship, rayah, was poured on. Solomon and Tirzah show us that couples fuel ahabah love by responding to each other with a blessing when hurt, by putting the needs of the other first, and by committing to persevere through the hard times so that love is characterized by lifelong commitment. The Song has been building to this point. Then an even more astonishing claim is made.
This love, this ahabah, is given the highest appellation possible: Its “flashes” are the very “flame of the Lord.” What are these “flashes”? The flashes of ahabah include the sparks of sexual passion, but the intensity of the passion comes from the companionship, service, sacrifice, loyalty, and commitment the couple bestow on each other. This is not the “passion” of one-night stands. This kind of sexual explosion flashes forth only from a certain kind of love, ahabah.
The Hebrew word for “flashes,” resheph, is often translated as “lightning bolts.”[4] These “fire bolts” burst forth from the ahabah of a couple who have devoted themselves to building lifelong love that is the “flame of the Lord.” God Himself is in the midst of these wonderful fire bolts![5]
This stirring declaration seems like a perfect climax to the vivid and erotic pictures of Solomon and Tirzah’s sexual love. But there is more: Tirzah proclaims that ahabah love, love fueled by God, is indestructible.
Tirzah: “Many waters cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it.” (verse 7)
LOVE IS INDESTRUCTIBLE.
Normally, the way to extinguish a flame would be to douse it with water, but Tirzah says that not even a raging river can extinguish the flame of ahabah. The images of fire and water, together with the verb quench, powerfully illustrate the indestructibility of love. Water can put out flames, but their deep love, which is fueled by the energy of God Himself, will triumph and overcome all adversities.
Then she makes a final statement about love:
Tirzah: “If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, it would be utterly despised.” (verse 7)
LOVE IS INVALUABLE.
Though all the gems of the world, all the wealth of the universe, be gathered in one place, it would not be enough to purchase this powerful flame of love whose flashes are the lightning bolts of God Himself.
In the culmination of these images, Tirzah sets out the ideal of love. Obviously, love is not always ideal. We can make wrong choices and stray from God as the source of our love, but the Song lifts up ahabah and declares that this powerful love is possible for all couples who choose to become servant lovers.
As we read these words, our hearts soar on the winds of ahabah, carried away by the reality of a love that is intimate, intense, indestructible, and invaluable. We want to pause and consider the possibilities. But the poet moves us on in the next verse and abruptly shifts our thinking to a discussion of Tirzah’s breasts by her brothers. This seems out of place, but we must trust that God has something to say through the poet in what seems out of order to us. The previous verses defined love. Here the Song mentions two final ingredients that contribute to committed love: growing up in a caring family and making responsible choices about your own sexuality.
Love Developed
Tirzah’s Brothers: “We have a little sister, and she has no breasts; what shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for?” (verse 8)
In this flashback, the Song takes us back to Tirzah’s childhood. Apparently, we are to see in the conversation between her brothers something central to the development of a deep love. Tirzah’s father is not mentioned, but her brothers are concerned for her future marriage and happiness. In the absence of their father’s influence and in light of the fact that she is the only daughter, the brothers assume certain responsibilities in preparing her for the “day she is spoken for” —the day of her marriage. At this point, Tirzah’s breasts are not yet developed, but soon she will become a mature woman, and young men will come calling. The brothers’ strategy is simple and wise, offering sound instruction that holds true for parents today.
Tirzah’s Brothers: “If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver. But if she is a door, we will barricade her with planks of cedar.” (verse 9)
The brothers’ strategy depends on Tirzah’s character. If she is a wall —impervious to sexual advances from young men —her brothers will adorn her with praise just as a “battlement of silver” adorns a wall and adds an element of beauty. But if she chooses to be a door —easily entered, easily seduced —the brothers will take a different approach. They will be strict with her, barricading her with planks of cedar in order to protect her virtue.
These verses tell us that Tirzah grew up in a caring home characterized by encouragement and discipline. The poet singles out this kind of environment as one factor in Tirzah’s ability to develop an intense and committed love for her husband.
No matter what kind of home environment we are provided with (some of the writers of this book did not come from safe, caring homes, but God filled in the gaps of childhood), we must make responsible choices regarding our sexuality that represent our own values and not simply those of our parents. In the following verses, Tirzah informs us she made such choices.
Tirzah: “I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers; then I became in his eyes as one who finds peace.” (verse 10)
Tirzah chose to be a wall. When she matured, her breasts were “like towers.” Before you imagine Tirzah with breast implants, let us explain. Although the reference to her breasts as towers is somewhat ambiguous, it appears that they, “like the silver battlements, are decorative and attractive. She is not flat-chested, but full, mature and ripe for love. She will give her ‘consoling breasts’ only to the one to whom she is committed.”[6]
The next phrase is emphatic in the Hebrew. “Then I became in his eyes as one who finds peace.” When? After deciding to be a wall. As a result of assuming personal responsibility for her virtue, Tirzah found favor in Solomon’s eyes. The phrase seems to be a play on words. Tirzah’s name in the Hebrew sounds like the word Shulamith. Solomon’s name in the original Hebrew sounds like Shulomoh. The Hebrew word for peace is shalom. Tirzah says, “Shulamith has found shalom with Shulomoh.” She found love and romance when she found Solomon. Her responsible behavior concerning her own sexuality attracted the king’s love.
Tirzah: “Solomon had a vineyard at Baal-hamon; he entrusted the vineyard to caretakers. Each one was to bring a thousand shekels of silver for its fruit. My very own vineyard is at my disposal; the thousand shekels are for you, Solomon, and two hundred are for those who take care of its fruit.” (verses 11-12)
Tirzah often refers to herself as a vineyard (see 1:6; 2:15) and earlier complains that the workload imposed on her by her brothers kept her from tending her own vineyard —her feminine charms (see 1:6). When she says that “my very own vineyard is at my disposal,” Tirzah is asserting that her brothers’ work is completed. Her vineyard is now under her own authority and control, and she freely gives of herself to her lover, the king.
Tirzah’s brothers protected her and prepared her to make wise personal choices. When she came of age, she chose wisely. This flashback tells us three important things about the development of an intense and vibrant love:
- It is rooted in a home where love is coupled with discipline.
- It is the result of responsible behavior.
- It is freely given.
We have seen love awakened, love defined, and love developed. In the last verses of the Song, we see love enjoyed.
Love Enjoyed
Solomon to Tirzah: “O you who sit in the gardens, my companions are listening for your voice —let me hear it!” (verse 13)
As the lovers prepare to leave Tirzah’s country home, Solomon tenderly turns to his beloved and whispers these words to her. In the Hebrew text, the word my does not appear, so the companions referred to here are likely Tirzah’s childhood friends who desire to tell her good-bye. But while her friends desire to say their farewells, Solomon says there are words he longs to hear her whisper. Tirzah privately responds with very erotic imagery.
Tirzah to Solomon: “Hurry, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices!” (verse 14)
The Hebrew here would be better translated as “sneak away, my beloved,” as the original text denotes the idea of escape or flight.[7] The references to a young stag and gazelle communicate playfulness and sexual potency. The mountains of spices refers to the “mountain of myrrh and . . . hill of frankincense” (see 4:6) —her perfumed breasts and “garden.”[8] Her private message to her beloved is, “Sneak away quickly, my lover! I long for your body as you long for mine. The time for passionate love is here!”
Solomon and Tirzah experienced the joy of committed, lifelong ahabah, a love whose flashes are the very “flame of the LORD.” Lightning bolts burst forth from the flame of this intense, intimate love. This love can be yours too!
APPLYING THE SONG FOR COUPLES
Lorraine: Dressed in white from head to toe, Peter and I stood before several hundred people who had come to witness the exchange of our marriage vows. For a moment, they faded into the background.
There was only Peter, me, and the light from two candles. Peter held a taper in his left hand, and I held a matching one in my right. Together, we lowered our individual candles toward the wick of a much larger unity candle on the altar before us. The fire of my candle joined his, igniting a new flame that was brighter and more vibrant than the ones we’d each brought to it. We withdrew our individual candles and blew them out. The flame before us was a public symbol of what God would accomplish privately tonight. No longer would we be two but one.
The flame on the altar glowed brightly. This flame was our love, the very flame of the Lord. And God Himself was in the midst of the flame.
Your love is a flame. For a moment, picture this flame and all it represents. Your flame is precious and holy to the Lord. He ignited it. He wants you to fuel the flame by becoming a servant lover to your mate. He desires that you keep the flame burning forever because it is a reflection of Him.
How can a couple keep the flame burning bright? By providing the right fuel.
- Ahabah love: service, sacrifice, loyalty, and commitment
- Dod love: passion rooted in sexual desire
- Rayah love: companionship and friendship
It takes all three types of love to keep the flame burning for a lifetime. The fire of sexual love (dod) will eventually burn out if not fueled by committed, servant love (ahabah). A marriage based on friendship love (rayah) —with no sexual love (dod) —will seem cool and passionless. But when all three fuel the flame, love builds and grows until it becomes an unquenchable bonfire.
Pursue Lifelong Love
We were created for so much —to experience deep, blazing love —but we often settle for so little. God calls from heaven through all generations, “Revel in the gift of love I have given you. Pursue passionate, lifelong love.” To pursue something means to run after it, to chase it with intent and purpose. No passive ho-hum spirit here but a tenacious pursuit of a faithful, forever love.
What does this kind of love look like?
Couples saw a lifelong love on the faces of Billy and Ruth Graham. In a 2003 interview just four years before Ruth Graham’s death, one author described the couple this way: “Billy will be 85 in November. He and his wife just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Neither of them is doing well at all, but Billy said, ‘We’ve discovered we can continue our love affair at this age with our eyes.’”[9]
Couples saw a lifelong love demonstrated in the lives of Bill and Vonette Bright. At the funeral of Bill Bright, the founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, Vonette, his wife and co-laborer of fifty-four years, shared how in the last hours of her husband’s life, she had crawled in bed beside him and held his hand and prayed, thanking God for their years of love together.
During the service, Bill’s assistant shared, “After a long day in the office, Bill would bound up the steps to their home, open the door, and call out, ‘Love! Love! Where are you, my love?’ By watching Bill Bright, I learned how to love my God. I also learned how to love my wife.”[10]
Do you want what Solomon and Tirzah had —what the Grahams and the Brights forged over a lifetime —a love that is intimate, intense, indestructible, and invaluable? We do! We desire to strike a match and ignite a white-hot burning intimacy. We want this not just during the first year of our marriages but every year. This was Cheri and Scott’s desire also.
Cheri and Scott had been married for sixteen years. In general, their relationship was enjoyable; they were good friends and deeply committed to each other. But Cheri knew something vital was missing. While their marriage wasn’t completely sexless, it may as well have been. All their married life, Cheri had struggled with sexual intimacy and rarely initiated sex. She didn’t even enjoy deep kissing with her husband.
But that began to change when she read the manuscript of Intimacy Ignited and decided to ask God to free her in this area. God graciously answered Cheri’s prayers. Cheri tells the rest of her story:
God has given me an incredible freedom and desire to love and respect my husband. It is as if we are brand-new lovers. After I finished reading the book, Scott and I cuddled on the couch and talked. Then I was able, as never before, to bless him from head to toe with a holy kind of intimacy. It meant so much to him that he wept. For ten days in a row, we enjoyed intimacy in an incredible way, but it was more than just sexual intimacy we enjoyed. We are more deeply in love and passionate about one another. Scott has a greater desire to serve me in romantic ways. He has said, “You have my heart.” He has even written me poetry! I think of him often and can hardly wait to be intimate and enjoy his company. His mouth is pure sweetness to me, and I love kissing him.
Perhaps you are wondering, How did these changes come about? Were they overnight, as it sounds? No. Cheri made some responsible choices that God used to personally transform her and the intimacy in their marriage. Again, Cheri shares,
God gently used a number of things to make the difference in my heart. This included confessing sexual sin with my husband before we were married and forgiving him for pushing me to be intimate. It involved committing Scripture on intimacy to memory, giving my body as a gift to my husband and receiving his body as a gift to me, confessing my negative and selfish attitudes on sex, and choosing to think about my husband in a sexual way.
Cheri is becoming a servant lover. Every time she says, “Yes, God,” she takes another step toward igniting intimacy in her marriage. She has embraced God’s perspective and vows to live it out in her marriage on a daily basis.
How about you? As you read each chapter and saw the characteristics of a servant lover, did you step toward your mate and say yes to God, or did you take a step back and say, “No, this just seems like too much work”?
As you read each chapter of the book, you discovered the traits of a servant lover. According to the Song, servant lovers
- Are teachable
- Give themselves permission to extend —and receive —passion
- Express admiration through encouraging words and actions
- Seek to make sexual love a place of refreshment
- Develop a sexual language so they can communicate lovingly to each other
- Catch the little foxes that threaten their love
- Make their marriage a safe place by communicating love and respect
- Daily honor their wedding vows
- Are romantic, in and out of bed
- Give the gift of their bodies to their mates
- Admit their selfishness and learn from it
- Allow God to set their minds free
- Offer forgiveness when wounded
- Overcome inhibitions and use their bodies to delight their mates
- Are free to be creative in their lovemaking
- Actively pursue lifelong intimacy
Are you wondering, How can I ever begin to live this out? Each of us changes and becomes a servant lover in the same way that Cheri did, one step at a time. We encourage you to prayerfully consider the following plan. You can follow this plan by yourself, but we strongly encourage you to do it with your mate, if possible.
- Each week take one trait and ask God to make it your own. Write a paragraph about what the quality described means to you, vow to incorporate the quality into your life, and consider various ways you can do that.
- Read the chapter that corresponds with that vow.
- If possible, do the Bible study for that chapter during the week.
- Do any personal application suggested in the chapter and Bible study.
- Talk to God every day about how you can personally live out this vow in your marriage.
- Be accountable to your mate or to a friend about your progress.
This is a sixteen-week program. Does this seem too hard? We admit, following this plan will require effort, but isn’t the potential benefit to your marriage worth the time you’ll invest? Look ahead and visualize how you will change. Four months out of a lifetime is not a long time. Four months from now you can be different —you can become a servant lover! As you continue on the path of becoming a servant lover, you will find the joy and beauty of lifelong love in your marriage.
SERVANT LOVERS: Actively pursue lifelong intimacy.
SELFISH LOVERS: Give up when marriage gets tough.