flame

CHAPTER THREE

Soothe Insecurities

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“Everywhere I look, I see beautiful women flaunting their flawless faces and trim bodies —on television, on billboards, in the newspaper. I feel fat and ugly by comparison. I wish I could get excited about making love with Sam, but I don’t want him touching my body because I don’t feel good about myself.”

Nothing halts lovemaking faster than shifting your focus from your spouse’s intimate advances to your own insecurities. How can a husband help his wife forget her insecurities and recapture sexual passion? We find insight in God’s Word as we study Solomon’s response to Tirzah’s abrupt mood shift from driven lover to insecure wife.

UNDERSTANDING THE SONG

Tirzah: “I am black but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, like the tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Solomon.” (1:5)

Tirzah’s dark coloring, acquired from living in the open, apparently makes her feel out of place beside the fair-skinned palace maidens. Her black hair is lustrous and fine, like the valuable black goat hair used by the nomadic people of Kedar to make their tents.[1] When bathed in the flood of early evening’s golden light, these tents were strikingly beautiful. As they swayed gently in the wind, they spoke of mystery and enchantment. Precious tapestries also made from beautiful black goat hair adorned the walls in Solomon’s palace. Tirzah stresses the “lovely” part of herself by comparing herself to these tapestries.

Tirzah: “Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, for the sun has burned me. My mother’s sons were angry with me; they made me caretaker of the vineyards, but I have not taken care of my own vineyard.” (verse 6)

The New Living Translation makes Tirzah’s feelings clear: “Don’t stare at me because I am dark —the sun has darkened my skin.” As she compares herself to the pretty yet pampered women of the court, Tirzah gives in to her feelings of insecurity and says something like, “You were raised in bonnets and bows and kept from the burning sun. But I had to work under its fierce rays, taking care of my family’s vineyard while my personal vineyard received no pampered care.”

Tirzah to Solomon: “Tell me, O you whom my soul loves, where do you pasture your flock, where do you make it lie down at noon? For why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?” (verse 7)

Commentators have various interpretations for verses 7 and 8. It seems to us, however, that in verse 7, Tirzah is playfully inviting her lover to a rendezvous during his lunch hour. She addresses him with deep emotion, as the one her soul loves.[2]

Solomon is a shepherd of Israel, for just as a shepherd guards and guides his flock of sheep, so Solomon leads his people with protective love. Tirzah uses the imagery of a shepherd as a way of asking Solomon where they can be alone together. In the Song, pasturing speaks of male sexual activity, and here Tirzah evokes a pastoral scene for their lovemaking.[3] She asks Solomon for directions to the place where they will meet so that she does not have to sneak out of the palace as a veiled woman in order to find him. If she must search for him, she will appear like a prostitute.

Solomon answers: “If you yourself do not know, most beautiful among women, go forth on the trail of the flock and pasture your young goats by the tents of the shepherds.” (verse 8)

Solomon speaks to Tirzah’s insecurities and declares that in his eyes she is stunningly beautiful. He then picks up the shepherd imagery as he tells her to “go forth on the trail of the flock” —that is, meet him somewhere outside the palace for a secret encounter.

According to some commentators, Solomon and Tirzah are involved in a playful, sensuous game of hide-and-seek. The invitation for an intimate encounter is there, but it’s under the surface. The pastoral imagery is a cover, a veiled reference to the reality that Tirzah is stealing out of the palace to be alone with her lover. The reference to sheep, goats, and shepherds is all part of the romance, evoking a pleasant scene away from the public eye of the city.[4]

Tirzah wants to be alone with Solomon. His presence soothes her insecurities. Many wives feel insecure about how they look and seek reassurance from their husbands that they are beautiful and desirable.

APPLYING THE SONG FOR WIVES

Insecurity about appearance has reached epidemic proportions among women living in the United States. We asked the women at a recent Intimate Issues conference, “How many of you are 100 percent satisfied with your body?” Eyes searched the room to see if any woman was pleased with everything about her body —the shape of her legs, the look of her face, her shoe size, and her cup size. Among nine hundred women, only one brave soul raised her hand.

We are convinced that women receive a “body critic gene” at birth that makes us critical of ourselves and of others. We come out of the womb saying, “Hi, Mom. Piled on the baby pounds while I was in there, didn’t you?”

Linda: My mom, who is a petite size six, defined my image of beauty. Consequently, I’ve been dieting since I was twelve. When my daughter was little, she looked at me one day and said, “I don’t want to grow up to be a mommy because that means I’ll always be on a diet.” The lie I’ve battled all my life is that beauty is defined by a certain dress size.

Lorraine: In elementary school I was “pleasantly plump.” When I was a sophomore in high school, I lost fifteen pounds. All of a sudden, everyone began to tell me how beautiful I was. The lie I’ve had to battle all my life is that beauty is defined by a certain number on the scale.

We don’t know any woman who has not battled lies about her appearance. Other common lies include:

Too often we focus on the negative, obsessing over flaws our husbands would never notice if we didn’t continually point them out. Our friend Mallory was in a department store trying on clothes when she looked over her shoulder into the mirror behind her and shrieked with horror, “How did my mother’s rear end get on me?” This initiated a series of constant comments to her husband about her expanding derriere. One day he gave her a card that had a picture of a large woman looking over her shoulder into a mirror that highlighted her backside. The message inside read, “Objects in mirror are not as large as they appear.” He wrote on the card, “I got you this card only because you talk about this all the time.”

Often we whine about extra pounds or being an A cup instead of a B. Meanwhile, women with serious body issues look at us and think, I’d exchange my problem for hers in a heartbeat.

Not long ago we were teaching on body image at an Intimate Issues conference. We were talking (read “whining”) about the agony of trying to keep off unwanted pounds once your body hits menopause and your metabolism slows to a snail’s pace. We also commented (read “complained”) about the painful rigors of diet and exercise we’d both endured in our valiant attempts to subdue cellulite. But then we noticed a lovely young woman without arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair in the center aisle. We both wondered what we must have sounded like to her. But instead of judging us as two vain women obsessing over trivialities, Brandi nodded empathetically. We knew we had much to learn from this woman!

During a break, we approached Brandi and discovered that she was at the conference to learn how to better love her husband sexually. We asked her if her physical limitations ever made her feel insecure about making love. Her wise answer convicted us both:

I think most husbands pick up on the insecurities of their wives. We are always saying something negative about how we look, and this causes our husbands to focus on the negative. So I focus on what I like about my body, and this causes my husband to see the positive too.

Brandi is right! We need to focus on the positive, to praise God that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (see Psalm 139:14).

We want to share with you an important principle in Scripture that will help you view your body as God sees it rather than as the world judges it. Let’s ask the Lord to make our hearts right so we can receive His Truth:

Lord, we live in a society obsessed with unattainable beauty standards, and it has warped our thinking. We moan and complain when we can no longer fit into our favorite pair of pants or when we notice a few new wrinkles around our eyes. Oh God, forgive us. Help us to quit complaining about what we can’t change (the natural process of aging, our body type, our skin type, and so on) and to do something about the things we can change (our weight, fitness, and nutrition). God, teach us to view our bodies as You view them. Please open our hearts to what You want to speak to us through Your Word.

Are you ready? If so, let’s lay down the mirror of the world, which reflects unrealistic beauty standards, and pick up the mirror of God’s Word, which offers a reflection of true beauty.

View Your Body as God’s Temple

What does God say about beauty and about your body?

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

These verses teach that:

Being a temple for the living God is both an awesome privilege and an awesome responsibility. God wants you to maintain His dwelling place and to keep it holy for Him, for yourself, and for your husband.

Take Care of Your Temple for God

In order to gain insight into how you can take care of your body for God, ask yourself two questions: Do I fill my body with things that harm it (drugs, unhealthful foods, chemicals, evil images, or sinful thoughts)? Do I fill my body with things that please God (healthful foods, Scripture, uplifting thoughts)?

Amy and Gloria asked themselves these two questions, and then they made the choice to fill their bodies with things that please God:

Amy: For me to honor God with my temple means that I put good stuff in and keep bad stuff out. I try to read my Bible every day. I say no to R-rated movies and MTV. And I joined the local gym to keep my body strong so that if God asks me to do something, I’ll have the physical strength to do it.

Gloria: There are a lot of cracks in my temple, but the foundation is solid. I fill in the cracks with a good makeup concealer and then spiff up my exterior with a daily “paint job.” Just as people used exquisite tapestries to cover the flaws in the walls of the stone temples, I wear clothes that hide my figure flaws and colors that make me look vibrant. No one would mistake me for a brand new temple, but many see this old temple as beautiful because as my body has fallen, my skill in caring for it has risen.

Put down this book now and ask the Lord, “What does it look like for me to please You in caring for this temple of Yours?”

Take Care of Your Temple for Yourself

If you are like most women, you feel overworked, overtired, and underappreciated. We are so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs that we fail to take care of our own. But we have it backward: We must take care of ourselves so that we have the ability to care for others. As the airline safety video clearly states, “In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from above. Secure your own mask first before helping others with theirs.”

When we eat healthful meals and exercise regularly, when we get enough sleep, when we wear clothes and colors that look good on us, we naturally feel better about ourselves. These activities directly impact our sexual relationship with our husbands. One woman told us, “I recently lost twenty pounds. I feel so much better about myself. I can be so much more free sexually now that I don’t have to position my arm over my stomach to hide the roll of fat.”

Ask the Lord, “What do I need to change so that I can take better care of myself?”

Take Care of Your Temple for Your Husband

Your husband will applaud what we are about to say because it is something he would like to tell you but can’t. Listen carefully. As a man, he needs to see you as attractive. He does not need you to have the body of a supermodel. He does not need you to have a face like Helen of Troy that men would go to war over. But he does want you to care about looking good for him and to make an effort to do so.

Several years ago, after Linda had just finished a radio interview, a man called the station and asked to talk with her. He said:

When I married my wife, she was very attractive. After having children, she gained eighty pounds and does nothing to try to lose it. She hates herself and will hardly go out of the house. I love my wife and am committed to being faithful, but I struggle continually with lustful thoughts of other women. I hate myself for this. Why won’t my wife help? Tell me what to do.

God designed men to be stimulated sexually through what they see. If you are irked, irritated, or angry about this, your issue is with God, not your husband. Ask the Lord, “Is there anything You would have me do about my appearance that would bless my husband?” (Although this application has been addressed to wives, it is equally as important for a husband to take care of his temple for his wife.)

As you read our challenge to you about taking care of your body, how did you respond? Did you enthusiastically nod in agreement, saying, “Yes, God! I want to take care of my body for You, for myself, and for my husband”? Or did you find yourself saying no to each suggestion because you know what it will cost you in terms of time and discipline, and you don’t want to put forth the effort? We know that what we’ve suggested can seem difficult, but life is short. Staying healthy, fit, and attractive is important. This is not something you have to do all on your own. Books, exercise clubs, and programs such as Weight Watchers are available to help you. Ask God to help you —He will! We know it also helps when your husband encourages you, so make sure he reads what follows, because God wants him to be a support to you.

APPLYING THE SONG FOR HUSBANDS

Understand the Power of Praise

A wise husband understands that when his wife feels insecure about her body, she cannot make love with abandon. The servant lover within him rises to her defense and, with the forcefulness of a sword-wielding Zorro, proclaims:

Johnny Lingo and His Eight-Cow Wife

The story is told of a man named Johnny Lingo, who lived on an island in the South Pacific. Johnny was a wealthy trader respected for his ability to strike a hard bargain —except when it came to securing his wife. In these islands, a man bought his wife from her father by paying from one to six cows. Two or three cows would buy a fair to middling wife; four or five, a breathtaking beauty.

Johnny wanted to marry Sarita, a plain woman who lived on the island of Kiniwata and was scared of her own shadow. For her, Johnny offered the unheard-of sum of eight cows. The residents of Kiniwata smirked that such a successful businessman would pay such an outrageous price for a plain woman. They figured he was a sucker when it came to love.

A woman decided to find out more about Johnny and his wife, so she sailed to the nearby island where Johnny lived and called on his home. When she met his wife, she was amazed to find the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. When she inquired about what happened, Johnny explained, “Do you ever think what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought? And then later, when the women talk, they boast of what their husbands paid for them. One says four cows, another maybe six. How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two? This could not happen to my Sarita.”

“Then you did this just to make your wife happy?” she asked.

“I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes. But I wanted more than that. You say she is different. This is true. Many things can change a woman, but the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands. She is an eight-cow wife.”[5]

Men down through the centuries have broken the chains of their wives’ insecurities by speaking words of praise. Although the words may sound different, the heart to affirm their wives is the same:

Husbands, don’t ever underestimate the power of your praise! Proverbs 31 describes an intelligent, godly wife who is highly esteemed. She is noble, lovely, diligent, and respected by all. Verse 28 implies that her husband’s praise in some way enables her to be who she is, to rise to her potential as a woman of God.

According to Proverbs 15:4, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit” (NIV). Your words can give life to your wife because they have power:

But beware! Your affirming words will have power only if you speak them with sincerity. God gave females an uncanny ability to sniff out flattery as quickly as a cat smells tuna. If your words are spoken out of duty or insincerity, they will have no value whatsoever. Let your words be genuine, timely, sincere, and specific.

We men sometimes find it challenging to force our words to make the long journey from our minds to our mouths. As one counselor said, “Merely thinking kind thoughts about our wives is not enough. I encourage husbands to direct those thoughts from their brains to their tongues, and then to lovingly articulate the words to their wives.”[6]

Jody understands this dilemma:

I know Linda needs to be affirmed about her looks, but when she is dressed for church, or with a new outfit, I don’t notice how she looks. It is unbelievable how dense I can be when confronted with the expectant look on her face that begs for approval. While I often think, I am so fortunate to have a wife who always does her best to look good and who is incredibly attractive, still I must force myself to verbalize to her what I am feeling.

Some men never verbalize what they think. Others verbalize their thoughts when it would have been better if they’d kept their mouths shut, as is evidenced by the following comments from wives:

But not all men are jerks. Many zealously slash away at their wives’ insecurities by offering life-giving words, as these women testify:

Brian, an artist, was scouting for a job in Colorado while his wife, Pam, remained in New Jersey. Every morning he drove a stretch of road with rolling grassland and rocky buttes and mesas. He said, “It was as if Pam were lying under a satin sheet and I was driving my car across the landscape of her body, just like I had done with my fingers and lips many times before.” He captured these mental images in a poem he sent to her:

In your absence, you are everywhere.

The hills that undulate in the prairie are like your hips when you are lying down.

There are two mountains that I pass every day that are like your breasts, but I cannot reach out and touch them.

God certainly made you for me.[7]

Maybe you aren’t a poet like Solomon or Brian and you feel inadequate and clumsy every time you open your mouth. Don’t let that stop you! Your wife doesn’t require eloquent prose or sound bites from Love Story. Even your fumbling attempts at praise will delight her.

We men are often clueless about the pressure our wives feel about how they look and how desperately they need our approval, our affirmation. Our praise can go a long way in removing their insecurities. So are you ready? Will you fight for your lover? Will you speak words that honor her and release her feminine beauty? Grab a thesaurus and a dictionary, make a list of words you can use, and then attack.

Implement a Thirty-Day Praise Plan

The strategy is this: Each day praise your wife in one of the following areas: acts of service, physical attributes, and character attributes. Here are some examples for you to adapt.

ACTS OF SERVICE:

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:

CHARACTER ATTRIBUTES:

Supplement your words with actions. Write her a note and leave it by her coffee cup, or write, “Your beauty captures my heart” with soap or a non-permanent marker on the bathroom mirror. Here are some other creative ways men have affirmed their wives:

If you implement the Thirty-Day Praise Plan, you can become a praise expert like C. J. Mahaney. He writes,

Recently, my wife and I were shopping while on vacation. We shopped separately at first and set a time to meet up again. As that time drew near, I searched the crowd for Carolyn. Finally, I caught sight of her. She approached and I embraced her. I said, “Love, I just want you to know that whenever I’m searching for you in a crowd, you are the only one who appears to me in color. The rest of the world is black and white to me.”[8]

C. J. Mahaney blessed his wife by expressing that he was blind to all others except her. In the story that follows, Ken, who was born blind, shares a vital truth about how we are to “see” our wives.

Define Beauty by Your Wife’s Body

When Ken asked Delaney to marry him, she said yes but admits she was nervous about the wedding night. She says,

Ken had never “seen” a woman before. His only sight was through the touch of his fingers. I decided to delight his “sight” by embroidering verses from the Song of Solomon in braille on the shoulders of my nightgown. As his fingers moved over my body, he stopped and read the hidden message of love inscribed just for him. “Oh,” he exclaimed, yet his ohs became more passionate as the nightgown came off and he “saw” a female body for the first time. He said to me, “So this is what a woman looks like. Oh, how beautiful! How soft!” I was the picture of a beautiful woman to his mind —the only picture he had.

In Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes, “On the day I was married, I began praying, ‘Lord, help me to define beauty by Lisa’s body. Shape my desires so that I am attracted only to her.’”[9]

In the Song, Tirzah feels insecure about her body and God uses her husband to praise away her fears. But the truth is that in the course of a marriage, both husbands and wives will face insecurity issues about their bodies. God desires for our mates to cheer us on, help us embrace His view of our bodies rather than the world’s view, and encourage us to maintain strong, healthy bodies so we can serve the Lord for many years.

When we allow our mates’ bodies to become our definition of beauty —when we praise them and make an effort to keep our own bodies healthy for ourselves, for God, and for our mates —God is pleased. He longs to hear from the lips of all who love Him, “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well” (Psalm 139:14).

SERVANT LOVERS:   Express admiration through encouraging words and actions.

SELFISH LOVERS:   Tear down their mates with critical looks, words, and actions.

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SOLOMON SPEAKS:

“To me, my darling, you are like

My mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.

Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments,

Your neck with strings of beads.

We will make for you ornaments of gold

With beads of silver.”

TIRZAH SPEAKS:

“While the king was at his table,

My perfume gave forth its fragrance.

My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh

Which lies all night between my breasts.

My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms

In the vineyards of Engedi.”

SONG OF SOLOMON 1:9-14

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