CHAPTER FIVE
Trade Sexual Compliments
“The other night we were in the kitchen and my wife gave me a suggestive kiss on the lips, so I said, ‘Well, do you want to do it?’ She rolled her eyes and walked away in a huff. What did I do wrong?”
How do you communicate to your mate that you are interested in an intimate encounter? Are you sensitive, or do you spout off the first unedited thought that comes to mind?
Solomon and Tirzah are masters of intimate language. Skillfully, they weave together compliments that build anticipation and sexual desire. In this passage, we see them playing verbal volleyball. “You are beautiful, my darling,” Solomon declares. “And you are handsome, my lover,” Tirzah responds. As passion mounts, their praise moves from compliments about appearance to compliments about lovemaking techniques.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
Solomon to Tirzah: “How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves.” (1:15)
Earlier, Tirzah wondered, Does my husband find me attractive? Here Solomon again affirms that she is incredibly beautiful to him and that her eyes, so soft and luminous like those of a dove, captivate him.
Tirzah to Solomon: “How handsome you are, my beloved, and so pleasant! Indeed, our couch is luxuriant! The beams of our houses are cedars, our rafters, cypresses.” (verses 16-17)
Tirzah returns his compliment, saying that not only is her beloved outstandingly handsome but the bridal chamber he created for her makes her feel cherished. As Tirzah lies on a luxurious couch covered with a beautiful canopy, she comments on Solomon’s thoughtfulness in constructing the bridal chamber. It appears that he surprised his new bride by importing wood from her native Lebanon; perhaps he wanted to create a bedroom that would remind her of the open air and the country that she loved. The bedchamber’s cedar-beamed ceiling and cypress rafters created a private Engedi, away from the hustle and bustle of palace life and its many responsibilities. We know from other passages of Scripture that much of Solomon’s palace was made with cedar beams from Lebanon (see 1 Kings 7:1-12). It appears that Solomon brought in this wood so that his bride would feel at home in their personal hideaway.
Tirzah to Solomon: “I am the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valleys.” (2:1)
In previous verses, the lovers declared, “You are beautiful!” Now they speak in more subtle terms, comparing each other and themselves to flowers and fruit. Here Tirzah likens herself to the rose of Sharon, a flesh-colored meadow flower with a leafless stem that blanketed the countryside in the warmer regions of Israel. Like the dandelion, the rose of Sharon is a common, ordinary flower. Tirzah is humbly describing herself as a country maiden alongside the coffered palace beauties in King Solomon’s palace.
Solomon to Tirzah: “Like a lily among the thorns, so is my darling among the maidens.” (verse 2)
Solomon takes up the comparison and gives it a notable turn, saying that all the other women in Jerusalem are as thorns compared to his bride. This sensitive husband hears the insecurity in his wife’s words and seeks to reassure her by telling her that her beauty and nobility of character set her above all the court women who have spent their lives caring for their own vineyards (see 1:6).
Tirzah to Solomon: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.” (2:3)
Tirzah responds with a botanical analogy of her own. In essence she says, “Solomon, all the men in Israel are the same —plain green pine trees. But you, my lover, stand out amid the common trees like an apple tree laden down with ripe red fruit.” In the East, the apple tree is often used to symbolize sexual love.[1] Tirzah has increased the tempo of their passion by moving beyond words of praise about physical beauty to praising Solomon’s skill as a lover.
Tirzah to Solomon: “In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” (verse 3)
Passion mounts. Solomon and Tirzah are now actively involved in their loveplay. She sits (presumably on cushions in their private bedchamber) beneath Solomon’s shade, cast perhaps from a lamp in the room, and delights in “tasting his fruit.” Several interpretations have been given for this phrase. Some believe that she is saying that as an apple refreshes a weary traveler,[2] her beloved’s presence refreshes her. However, in view of the erotic nature of the symbols (apples, raisin cakes) and the context (“Let his left hand ‘fondle’ me,” in verse 6), we feel that this is unlikely. Others believe she is referring to the sweet taste of Solomon’s words and works, which make a positive impression on her.[3]
Still others see the sweet fruit of the apple tree as a symbol of his caresses.[4] In other words, she “tastes” his sexual embrace. In extrabiblical literature, “fruit” is often equated with the male genitals[5] or with semen.[6] Also, there are many balancing parallels in the Song; what is characteristic of her is also characteristic of him. The “fruit” on her “tree” (7:7-8) is her breasts, so the “fruit” on his “tree” suggests his genitals. If this is so, then this phrase may be a veiled and delicate reference to an oral-genital caress.[7] Whatever interpretation you take, Tirzah’s words clearly speak of intense sexual pleasure.
Tirzah: “He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.” (verse 4)
The banquet hall refers to the bridal chamber, and the banner, which would be a cloth attached like a flag to a long pole, speaks of the king’s protective care.[8] As Tirzah sits in Solomon’s shade (his protective care), she immediately associates his banner with his love, because his love provides what she as his wife deeply desires: security, care, and protection.
Solomon introduces the third Hebrew word for love in this verse, ahabah. This is the word used of God’s love for Israel (see Jeremiah 31:3; Hosea 11:4). While this is a general word for love in the Old Testament, it is the word used for the highest form of love that God asks of us: “And what does the LORD require of you but to do justice [and] to love kindness” (Micah 6:8).[9] This word is associated with “serving” the one loved.[10] It is the only word for love that applies to God’s love for us.[11] It speaks of God’s permanent covenant commitment to His people.[12]
Like dod, ahabah can have powerful sexual connotations,[13] but it carries a higher and sacrificial note. It is the kind of love that seeks the good of the object loved and is willing to love in spite of sin.[14] It is the love of a mother for her son,[15] of a father for his son,[16] and of Ruth for her mother-in-law.[17] Ahabah is the word most often translated in the Septuagint as the Greek word agapao. Agape is the highest form of love and speaks of sacrifice, serving, and seeking only the good of the object loved. It refers to “a spontaneous feeling which impels to self-giving.”[18] If dod speaks primarily of erotic love in the Song and rayah of companionship, then ahabah, while it includes the other two, takes us deeper into servant loving that is lifelong or, as Jeremiah put it, “everlasting” (Jeremiah 31:3).[19]
Tirzah to Solomon: “Sustain me with raisin cakes, refresh me with apples, because I am lovesick.” (verse 5)
Tirzah confesses that the intensity of her love makes her physically weak. She is overcome with sexual desire for her husband. “She is swooning with desire. She has that ache in the pit of her stomach, she has that loss of appetite which can only be cured by her being ‘spread out’ with her lover, and by eating and drinking of the delights of lovemaking.”[20] Tirzah needs sustenance to alleviate her lovesickness and asks Solomon to bring her raisin cakes and apples, which are symbols of erotic love. Raisin cakes (dried raisins pressed together to form a cake) were thought to be an aphrodisiac.[21] In other words, she asks him to satisfy her sexually.
Tirzah to Solomon: “Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.” (verse 6)
Here, Tirzah tells her husband exactly how she wants him to hold her. As they lie on the couch, she requests that he place his left hand under her head and that he embrace her with his right hand. The Hebrew word habaq, translated here means “to embrace,”[22] “to show close association and affection,”[23] and here has the sense of “to fondle.”[24] She is asking her husband to fondle her and stimulate her body sexually.
Tirzah to the Chorus: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, that you do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases.” (verse 7)
Why this abrupt change from passionate embrace to warning? Why would a bride in the midst of lovemaking want to tell other women not to quicken passion until the proper time? Many possible reasons have been suggested, but we believe it is for this reason: She is experiencing the joy and freedom that God desires in her intimacy with Solomon, and she longs for every bride to know this same joy. Perhaps she believes that her present enjoyment is linked to her purity before marriage, and so she gives a warning to other young women to remain pure so that they also will experience deep passion, freedom, and joy in marriage.
APPLYING THE SONG FOR COUPLES
The two couples writing this book have a confession to make: We do not talk to one another in poetry. Epithets of love do not flow from our lips. Jody doesn’t say to Linda, “Like a lily among the thorns, so are you, dear Linda, among the maidens.” Nor does Lorraine tell Peter, “Sustain me with raisin cakes and refresh me with apples because I am lovesick.” Nowadays, such words would likely arouse laughter rather than passion. So what words can you use to express admiration or communicate certain sexual desires? How do you tell your mate you are interested in making love? One way is to develop a private sexual language, known only to the two of you.
Develop a Sexual Language
Unlike Tirzah and Solomon, some couples rarely talk during lovemaking. They are afraid to open their mouths while making love because they feel embarrassed, insecure, or self-conscious. A wife may think, How can I tell him I want him to touch me there? A husband may wonder, What words can I use to excite her? One wife told us she felt she was making progress when she could finally say, “Ah . . .”
What a contrast to Tirzah, who did not hesitate to tell her husband that he was a stud. Nor did she balk at telling him how to pleasure her while guiding his hands over her body during their lovemaking. And Solomon? He too was no silent lover. Solomon and Tirzah understood that love is expressed not only body to body but also through tender words that speak a language of love all their own. It is important for couples to learn to verbalize their sexual desires during lovemaking because communication deepens emotional oneness. Also, words are a key way for a husband and wife to know how to satisfy each other. None of us qualifies as a mind reader, so how can the ones we love know what pleases us if we don’t tell them?
One wife said she was angry with her husband until she realized how unfair her expectations were:
I don’t have a hard time imagining what I want to say. The words describing my wants, my fears, and my feelings come easily, until I open my mouth. But once it’s time to speak the words aloud, I become embarrassed, self-conscious, and tongue-tied —all of which leave me feeling ridiculous, more embarrassed, and even angry. I shouldn’t have to tell him this, I think. If he loves me, he’ll know how I feel, what I want, what feels good and bad. And therein lies the problem: I have expectations that I don’t voice. When those naturally go unmet —how can he meet them if he doesn’t even know about them? —it leaves me feeling upset, sad, or hurt. And in my mind, anyway, it’s all his fault. Not very fair, is it?[25]
Linda too struggled early in her marriage to find the words to speak. When Jody asked her to tell him in detail what she was going to do to pleasure him and what she wanted him to do to pleasure her, she gulped, “In detail?” What could she voice out loud without turning bright red? God, help me! This man I love has asked me to express my passion for him, and I have a choice: I can claim embarrassment and clam up, or I can ask You to enable me to say what I know will please him. It was difficult at first, but Jody’s delight spurred Linda on, and with practice, it became easier.
Don’t expect to be able to do this overnight. Developing a sexual language is like learning to speak a foreign language: It takes time and practice. No one takes Spanish 400 without first taking Spanish 101 where common nouns and verbs are learned. Once these are mastered, the student moves to a more advanced level. With years of patience and practice, Spanish can become a language that rolls off the lips with ease. Even so, there are always new words to learn and more to discover within the language.
So it is with developing your private sexual language. Start with the basics —with establishing what words you will use to describe sexual parts of the body and what phrases to speak that will effectively communicate, “Let’s make love.” Most couples do not use the technical words penis and vagina in their private love language because they seem too sterile. The language of love is poetic, as we saw in the interchange between Solomon and Tirzah. They used words such as fruit and garden, words that conjure up images of beauty and pleasure. While you may choose to use these words in your lovemaking, you might also want to invent your own. One wife calls her husband’s intimate parts The Lighthouse on the Rocks. As a gift, he gave her a framed picture of a lighthouse. It sits on the nightstand by their bed, a sweet secret shared by them alone (and now the multitudes who will read this book!).
Here are some things other couples say:
- I call her Little Doe; she calls me Big Buck.
- We use our middle names, William and Mary. When he says, “William wants to play with Mary,” I understand the message.
- I call my wife’s garden the Pearl of Great Price.
In addition to creating a sexual vocabulary, you also need to determine what words or phrases you can use to ask each other, “Do you want to make love?” Wives often tell us, “I wish he’d say something other than, ‘Well, do you want to do it tonight?’”
Let us suggest a fun exercise that will help expand your sexual vocabulary. One night this week when you are alone as a couple, make a list of all the words you can think of for the private areas of both of your bodies. Then write down words or phrases for “making love.” Next, each of you talk about the words or phrases you like and the ones that make you uncomfortable. Discuss those images that the two of you enjoy and whether that image might be suitable for your private love language.
Here are some words others have used to say, “Let’s make love”:
- Engedi —“Want to go to Engedi tonight?” (See chapter 4 for an explanation of Engedi.)
- Hideaway —“Let’s spend a half hour in our hideaway.”
- Fly —“Would you like to fly with me?”
- Sailing —“Let’s go sailing.” (Translation: “Let’s enjoy twenty minutes of loving.”) Variations include: “I’d enjoy a speedboat ride” (a quickie) or “How about a cruise next weekend?” (long, leisurely loving).
- Frisky —“I feel frisky tonight; do you?”
- Gardening —“I’d like to plant some flowers tonight in your garden.”
Some couples use signals along with their words to express interest in an intimate connection:
We keep two candles in our bedroom. If one is lit, we consider it an invitation for intimacy. If the second candle is lit, we know our invitation has been accepted. One time, I lit the candle. Later, instead of finding only one other candle, my wife had lit twenty and placed them all around the room.
My husband and I have a rhinoceros Beanie Baby. (I hope the comparison is obvious.) We place it somewhere the other person will see it when one of us is interested in sex. It is silly, but we love it! That Beanie Baby has ended up in some interesting places!
As your sexual language expands, you will feel more comfortable in expressing what you like or don’t like in lovemaking and what you are going to do to thrill your lover. Here are some phrases you might try:
- Oh, honey, that feels so good!
- Yes, I like it.
- Just a little gentler —oh, yes, that’s right.
- Don’t stop —it makes me want you.
You get the idea! We can’t get much more specific because while we want to be practical and helpful, we don’t want to cross any lines.
Watch Your Words
As Christians, we want to create an intimate vocabulary that honors God and delights our lover. What words are on “God’s list”? While Scripture doesn’t give a list of specific words to use in lovemaking, other than those used in the Song, it does offer us some principles that we can apply. Consider how Ephesians 4:29 might come into play as you agree on words or phrases for your sexual language:
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (NLT)
Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. (MSG)
The words foul and dirty come from the Greek word sapros, which literally means spoiled or rotten fish or fruit, i.e., garbage.[26] What words classify as “dirty, rotten garbage”? Only the foul four-letter variety? Our answer is found in the second half of the verse, which tells us what kinds of words we should use: words that edify and bring encouragement. These words are a “gift” to our mate. Ask yourself, Do the words I use during lovemaking encourage and build up my mate? Are the words playful, encouraging, and respectful? If so, they should be considered. If the words are hurtful, disrespectful, or demeaning, they should be eliminated.
In chapter 14, we will talk more about how to build up your lover. But for now, let us say this. As writers, we are aware that we must be careful about speaking in absolutes, but we are absolutely certain of the following two rules:
- Never, never, never criticize your mate’s sexual performance.
- Always, always, always look for ways to affirm your mate’s prowess as a lover.
Salt your speech with affirmation, and then pepper it with a sexual tease: “You are such a skillful lover, I’ll bet you could make love to me with no hands and do it in such a way that I’ll be screaming for relief.” See? Now you’re talking. You are using sexual language in a way that adds spice to your love life.
Now we need to look at a more serious topic. We’ve already said that God’s Word prohibits certain kinds of words and that we need to avoid these when it comes to developing our sexual language. God also has things to say about our actions. If we are going to honor Him and each other as we communicate how to pleasure each other sexually, we need to know which sexual acts God permits and which He prohibits.
Establish Sexual Boundaries
The Song opens our eyes to the freedom we have to delight each other, but sometimes couples do not fully enter into that freedom because one or both are afraid they will do something of which God disapproves. As a result, they are inhibited and unable to enjoy all that God intends for married couples to experience.
Does God prohibit certain actions in the marriage bed? Yes. We searched Scripture from Genesis to Revelation and found ten sexual acts that He prohibits. These are listed in the appendix. However, you may have questions about sexual activities that are not specifically addressed in Scripture. If you are wondering about any sexual practice that Scripture does not address, you might find it helpful to evaluate them in light of these three biblical principles.
UNSELFISH LOVE
When a husband and wife make love to each other, the goal should be to please the other person. Consider Philippians 2:3-5 in light of selfless love:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others [your husband or wife] above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others [your mate]. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. (NIV, emphasis added)
Unselfish love must be the motivation behind our behavior toward each other in the bedroom (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Love turns to lust when a husband or wife is obsessed by a particular form of sexual expression, when he or she can no longer be happy without it. We’re speaking here about forms of sexual expression other than sexual intercourse, such as oral sex.
MUTUAL AGREEMENT
Both husband and wife should agree on any sexual act that is a part of their intimacy. Consider Philippians 2:1-2:
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. (NIV, emphasis added)
If one partner is uncomfortable with something, the other needs to respect that person’s feelings. Don’t be like one husband, who after hearing a Bible teacher suggest that Song 2:3 might be a reference to oral sex, went home and immediately told his wife, “There! It’s in the Bible, so now you have to do it!” This husband totally missed the point. Even if it can be proven that God endorses oral sex (and it can’t), this husband was ignoring the importance of mutual agreement.
MUTUAL SUBMISSION
Paul exhorts couples to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21, NIV). This verse applies to every area of our marriages, including the sexual relationship. A husband and wife are not to have a demanding spirit toward each other but rather a yielded spirit that desires the best for the other person. If a wife prefers certain forms of sexual expression and her husband hesitates or doesn’t want to do as she asks, he should ask himself, Is this a legitimate concern, or am I just being stubborn? Likewise, a wife should prayerfully ask God what mutual submission looks like if she balks at some particular form of sexual expression that her husband enjoys.
In this chapter, we’ve stressed the importance of developing a sexual language and establishing sexual boundaries that align with God’s Word. We urge you to pray together about these areas. Perhaps this seems odd to you. After all, these aren’t the kinds of things you normally talk to God about. You secretly wonder, Can I really talk to God about specific sexual acts? Does He really care about what words I use when we make love? Yes, you can talk to Him. Yes, He cares! Remember, sex was His idea, and He was quite creative in His design. So seek Him. Ask Him to give you wisdom and creativity —and fun. Don’t forget the fun, because that too is part of His gift to you:
Holy God, thank You for caring about our intimate relationship. Thank You for being so specific about sex in Your Word. That amazes us. Lord, we don’t ever want to violate sexual boundaries that You have set. Please show us if we are in error. Help us as we seek to develop our own sexual language. Show us what words we can use so we can communicate in a way that honors You and delights each other. Amen.
SERVANT LOVERS: Develop a sexual language so they can communicate lovingly to each other.
SELFISH LOVERS: Use crude words and inappropriate actions to satisfy their own lustful desires.
“Listen! My beloved!
Behold, he is coming,
Climbing on the mountains,
Leaping on the hills!
My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Behold, he is standing behind our wall,
He is looking through the windows,
He is peering through the lattice.
My beloved responded and said to me,
SOLOMON TO TIRZAH:
‘Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
And come along.
For behold, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
The flowers have already appeared in the land;
The time has arrived for pruning the vines,
And the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land.
The fig tree has ripened its figs,
And the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance.
Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
And come along!’”
SOLOMON TO TIRZAH (CONTINUED):
“O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your form,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your form is lovely.”
TIRZAH:
“Catch the foxes for us,
The little foxes that are ruining the vineyards,
While our vineyards are in blossom.
My beloved is mine, and I am his;
He pastures his flock among the lilies.
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether.”
SONG OF SOLOMON 2:8-17
