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CHAPTER EIGHT

Remember Your Vows

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“When the pastor asked, ‘Do you promise to love, honor, and respect Peter for as long as you both shall live?’ I shouted, ‘I do!’ so loudly that everyone in the church started laughing. But I meant it. What greater cause could there be for my life than to love, serve, and start a family with this incredible man?”

At a wedding, the bride and groom say good-bye to singleness and “I do” to loving each other as a married couple. We invite you to join us in viewing this significant event in the life of Solomon and Tirzah.

UNDERSTANDING THE SONG

Welcome to Solomon and Tirzah’s wedding. Perhaps you’re thinking, But aren’t they already married? Yes, but remember, this Hebrew poetry describes scenes that are not always in chronological order. In this chapter, we’ll view the wedding procession, and in the next two chapters, we’ll learn about their wedding night. Certain scenes are rated “H” for “hot,” but they are also holy. God encourages us to pay attention because through this couple, we learn valuable principles about loving our mate in intimate and unselfish ways.

The Chorus: “What is this coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all scented powders of the merchant?” (3:6)

In verses 6 through 11, the chorus comments on the wedding procession as it makes its way along the roads toward Jerusalem. Presumably, Solomon followed traditional Hebrew custom and sent a wedding entourage to escort his bride from her home in Lebanon to the palace in Jerusalem, where the wedding ceremony would take place. Here the chorus is observing that the ever-present cloud, which looks like a pillar of smoke, did not cloak the rich fragrances that emanated from the bride and her procession. The myrrh and frankincense perfume, which Solomon had given to Tirzah, were not native to Israel; they came from faraway places, such as Arabia and India. Solomon had said he longed to shower her with gifts (see 1:11), and these fragrant offerings made his beloved feel elegantly special. He chose the very best, frankincense and myrrh, the same gifts given to the baby Jesus by the wise men.

The Chorus: “Behold, it is the traveling couch of Solomon.” (verse 7)

The bride traveled on Solomon’s own couch, which would have been covered. The legs of the couch were attached to two long poles, allowing four to six men to carry it on their shoulders.

The Chorus: “Sixty mighty men around it, of the mighty men of Israel. All of them are wielders of the sword, expert in war; each man has his sword at his side, guarding against the terrors of the night.” (verses 7-8)

King David had thirty warriors who served as his private bodyguards, but Solomon’s bride had double this number. These men were the elite corps. Only the best could guard the king’s beloved against possible attacks from animals, thieves, or kidnappers on the long journey from Lebanon to Jerusalem.

The Chorus: “King Solomon has made for himself a sedan chair from the timber of Lebanon.” (verse 9)

Imagine Tirzah’s elation as she lifts her eyes and sees her groom and his attendants coming to meet her. Solomon approaches her in grand style, carried on a chair especially designed for the occasion. It was a couch long enough for its rider to recline, covered with a canopy resting on four pillars at the corners. Curtains protected the rider from the sun, and doors on each side, made of lattice, provided a means of entry and exit.[1] As Tirzah approached Solomon’s sedan chair, she climbed in and joined him, and together they traveled to the palace.

The Chorus: “He made its posts of silver, its back of gold and its seat of purple fabric, with its interior lovingly fitted out by the daughters of Jerusalem. Go forth, O daughters of Zion, and gaze on King Solomon with the crown with which his mother has crowned him on the day of his wedding, and on the day of his gladness of heart.” (verses 10-11)

Solomon’s crown was not a physical crown but a garland of fresh flowers of the kind worn on festive occasions, especially weddings.[2] Can you picture the smile on his mother’s face as she placed the wreath on his head? Can you imagine Solomon’s anticipation and delight in this moment? His heart is overwhelmed with joy and gladness.

APPLYING THE SONG FOR COUPLES

This is Solomon and Tirzah’s wedding day, a day of rejoicing. The procession has arrived, a parade of pomp and ceremony. People from all over have come to be part of this glorious celebration, to witness Solomon and Tirzah’s marriage. The fact that their wedding is tucked into the middle of the Song, after we’ve already seen many snapshots of them together as a married couple, is significant. It’s almost as if Solomon is saying, “Let’s stop for a moment and go back to the beginning, back to where our love started as husband and wife.”

Remembering has value. It serves as a time-out from the craziness of life to reflect on what really matters, a checkpoint to make sure we haven’t strayed from our values or our vows. Take a moment now and think back on your wedding day. Can you picture the place where you got married? Do you remember what you were wearing? Who were your attendants? Do you remember speaking your vows? What did you promise? Who witnessed your words? Do you remember the announcement “I now pronounce you man and wife. What God has joined together, let no man separate”?

Reflect On Your Vows

Too often when couples speak their vows, their attitude communicates a promise to love each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. They focus only on the good words, but marriage is also about the difficult words. Sometimes couples agree to marry for better or worse, but not for good. They view marriage as a contract rather than as a covenant. What is the difference? A contract is what you sign for your cell phone or to lease office space. Contracts can be broken without devastating consequences. But a covenant is different from a contract. How?

A covenant is made in the presence of God. Most marriage ceremonies begin, “We are gathered together here in the sight of God.” The thought is that God is present to approve and bless the marriage, which is why most weddings take place in a church, commonly referred to as “the house of God.”

A covenant is a binding agreement made for life. You and your spouse spoke words of a verba solemnia, a solemn vow, and entered into a covenant with God and your mate. In a covenant agreement, you don’t have the option of loving and cherishing your mate only as long as he or she loves and cherishes you. There is no quid pro quo.[3] Your vows did not include the words “as long as we both feel like it”; they included words such as “as long as we both shall live.”

A covenant has witnesses. A marriage covenant has three levels of witnesses: God Himself, the wedding party who stands with the bride and groom because of their relationship to them, and the congregation of family and friends. These witnesses serve to testify, “These are the vows you made —we heard you speak them,” in the event that one of the parties involved encounters a temporary memory lapse.

A covenant involves the exchange of seals or signs. In two separate ceremonies, the bride and groom exchange signs or seals as part of their covenant. First, in a public ceremony, they give rings to each other as a sign of the vows they have made. Later, they seal their covenant vows through the joining of their bodies in a private ceremony. Sex not only is part of the covenant of marriage, sex is the divine seal.[4] Each time a husband and wife celebrate their sexual oneness, they affirm their covenant with each other and with God.

What vows did you make on your wedding day? You probably didn’t say, “I promise to be the perfect husband/wife.” Nor did you vow, “I will always meet your every need” or “I will never change.” The longer we are married, the more apparent it becomes that we are not perfect, we will fail to meet the needs of our mate, and we will change. Our wedding vows were promises of commitment, not contentment. The big idea is this: “I may fall short of what I want to be for you. But I promise to love you always. No matter what we come up against in our lives, we’ll face it together because I am in this until the end.”

The psalmist asks, “What shall I return to the LORD for all his goodness to me?” (116:12, NIV). The answer is given: “I will fulfill my vows to the LORD” (verse 14, NIV). Marriage is a sacred covenant in which you made a vow to your mate and to God. Fulfill it. Reflect upon it. Revisit your words so that you do not forget what you promised. How can you remember your vows?

As you reflect upon your wedding, it will likely cause you to relive strong emotions: the joy of friends and family as they surrounded you, the awe of a ceremony wrapped in beauty and pageantry, and the passion of the night when you made love as husband and wife for the first time.

Reflect On Your Passion

Do you remember the first days of lavish loving, when you couldn’t seem to get enough of each other? Free from the responsibility of kids, you could flow with the call of passion. But as the years pass, time and the pressures of life often diminish the intensity of passion, even in happy marriages. How can you recapture tantalizing times together?

Revelation 2:3-5 speaks to this very issue. Although this passage was written to the church of Ephesus and addresses their waning love for Christ, the message also provides sound marital advice, as it relates to rekindling the fire of love between a husband and wife. God’s words are strong:

You have perseverance and have endured for My name’s sake, and have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first.

Here is our paraphrase of this passage as it relates to marriage:

Hey, you’ve done good! You’ve faced some tough issues, but you haven’t given up. Excellent! But you have one problem. You’ve lost the passion of the love you had when you met. How can you recapture the fire of first love? Do three things. First, remember. Think about how intense that love was at first. Second, repent. Tell your mate you are sorry for being lazy and letting the fire of your love cool. Third, return. Do the thoughtful, tender, creative things you did when you were first married.

What did you do when you were first married? Make a list and then commit to keep doing those things. Here are some examples from other husbands and wives about what they did as newlyweds:

FOR WIVES:

FOR HUSBANDS:

You might plan a night away together and then share how you’ve grown as lovers since your wedding day by demonstrating in tangible ways all you’ve learned. One couple we know recaptures the passion by playing the song they first danced to at their wedding. They know all the words by heart. Singing and dancing to that song helps bring back the memory of their wonderful wedding day and the passion of their wedding night.

Peter offers another idea you might try:

We spent a weekend reliving our wedding at a really nice hotel. First we went through our wedding pictures, read cards and notes from people we had not thought about for years, and snacked on the kinds of appetizers served at the reception. In the evening, Lorraine dressed in a white nightgown complete with her wedding veil. The rest of the evening —well, it was better than our honeymoon!

Passion and intimacy are important not only to us but also to God. Many people do not realize that He actually commanded husbands to take time away from their normal work during the first year of their marriages in order to learn how to please their wives. We are guessing that this is one command many were delighted to obey.

APPLYING THE SONG TO HUSBANDS

Commit to a Year of Sexual Delight

A verse in Deuteronomy makes it clear that the first year of marriage is a time to concentrate on building a deep, passionate love affair with each other: “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken” (24:5). The Hebrew word samach,[5] translated here as “give happiness,” carries the idea of “to gladden, make someone merry.” Dr. Howard Hendricks says that this “expression encompasses happiness in all areas but certainly includes sexual delight.”[6]

Husbands, if you failed to “give happiness” to your wife during the first year of your marriage, commit now to discovering what delights her sexually. Study her. Pay attention to her. Learn what lights her up and what turns her off.

God is serious about this. First Peter 3:7 says, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, . . . so that your prayers will not be hindered.” The verb translated “live with” is consistently translated in the Septuagint, the Greek translation of the Old Testament, as “have sexual intercourse with” (see Genesis 20:3; Deuteronomy 21:13; 22:13; 22:22; 24:1; 25:5; Isaiah 62:5). The phrase “an understanding way” implies acquiring knowledge and insight through a process of personal investigation. So an interpretive and expanded paraphrase of this verse might read,

Likewise, you husbands have sexual intercourse with your wives in a way that is based upon insight gathered from personal investigation of her needs. If you do this, your prayers will not be hindered.

The Almighty God says to husbands, “Spend the first year of marriage learning to satisfy your new wife sexually. Discover what pleases and delights her. If you do this, I will answer your prayers.” Will you commit to taking God’s instruction seriously?

As we studied this passage on the wedding procession, one idea in particular jumped out at us as husbands about the meaning of our vows: our responsibility to protect our wives.

Protect Your Bride

Solomon arranged for “sixty mighty men” to guard and protect Tirzah (see 3:7). While this may sound like overkill to our ears, to her it sent a comforting message: “I will protect you.” When a husband provides protection for his wife, he tells her that he places high value on her and he helps meet her need for security. Let’s look at three ways modern-day Solomons can protect their wives.

PROVIDE PHYSICAL PROTECTION

While you don’t need to hire sixty mighty men with swords to shield your wife from danger, you do need to have the following:

It is important that you make every effort to create an environment in which your wife feels safe and secure. If you travel frequently, your wife will feel safer if you take extra precautions to protect her: getting a watchdog, putting up motion-detector lights outside the house, and calling home every night to reassure her that should anything happen, you are only a phone call away.

PROVIDE EMOTIONAL PROTECTION

What kind of emotional stress is your wife under? Are you aware of what she does all day and how it affects her? If you don’t know, make a point to find out. Jody gives us an example:

During the first years of our marriage, I was more of a selfish lover than a servant lover. Linda had to ride herd all day long on our zoo of three under three, and often I was oblivious to how much energy and effort she was exerting. We affectionately called the period between 4:00 and 7:00 p.m. “the pit.” By this time Linda was completely exhausted, and the children were demanding, tired, and fussy. One night, as I saw her slipping into total exhaustion, I realized I needed to do something, so I arranged a babysitter and took her out to dinner.

While we ate, I told her that I needed to better understand the emotional pressure she was under. I got out some paper and asked Linda to list her weekly responsibilities. She quickly reeled off ten items. I kept pressing, “What else?” An hour later, I had a list of sixty-three items. (I still have it in my file after fifty years.) No wonder she’s tired, I thought, I would be in a hospital if I felt responsible for all that.

Each day, I made a choice to switch into servant-lover mode on the drive home from work. Two miles from our house there was a stop sign. As I passed it on my way home from work, I placed all the concerns of the office and ministry on the stop sign and spent the next five minutes praying for my wife and planning how I could absorb the shock of the “pit.” Instead of coming in the door and relaxing and watching the news, I came in with one objective: taking pressure off my wife. Instead of sitting in front of the television, I set the table, played with our kids, did the dishes, and helped put our children to bed.

Ask yourself the following questions to figure out if you are providing emotional protection for your wife:[7]

Tell your wife, “Honey, I want to better understand the stresses in your life. Please sit down with me and list everything you feel responsible for, and then we can talk together about how I might help you.” This is the heart of a servant lover. If you do this with an attitude of humility, it will refuel the fire of passion.

PROVIDE FINANCIAL PROTECTION

These questions might help you determine if you are providing protection for your wife in the financial area:[8]

Sit down with your wife and ask her, “Do you feel I’m protecting you in the financial area? What else can I do?”

Jody: Several years after Linda and I were married, a close friend in his thirties died of a heart attack. He had no life insurance and left his wife and child destitute. I knew I needed to protect Linda against future financial uncertainty, should anything happen to me. If she suddenly became a widow, she would have enough to deal with between my death and managing the home and kids. In the event something happened to me, I didn’t want her to have to deal with financial pressure. I secured a good life-insurance policy, a savings plan, and a retirement program.

Peter: When we were first married, I gave Lorraine a brief overview of our financial situation. Whenever she asked for more information, I assured her, “Honey, don’t worry about that. Everything is taken care of.” It wasn’t until a few years later that I learned she needed more specifics. Bottom line: She did not feel protected. So I typed up a master list that contained the location of our legal papers; pertinent information about our checking, savings, and retirement accounts; and a list of people she could call in case something happened to me. This is stored in a strongbox and updated every year. Now that she knows what specifics are in place, she has a sense of peace.

Add a New Wedding Vow

In this chapter, we’ve talked about the importance of reflection and protection. We want to end by challenging you to make an addition to your wedding vows. Actually, this vow is not new, because it was spoken hundreds of years ago in the Anglican church, but it will probably be new for the two of you. Unlike the vows you spoke in public, this vow is spoken in private. We encourage you to schedule a private ceremony where you speak this vow to each other and seal it with your actions:

With my body I thee worship

My body will adore you

Your body alone will I cherish

I will with my body declare your worth.[9]

SERVANT LOVERS:   Honor their wedding vows daily.

SELFISH LOVERS:   Never think about the vows they made.

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SOLOMON TO TIRZAH:

“How beautiful you are, my darling,

How beautiful you are!

Your eyes are like doves behind your veil;

Your hair is like a flock of goats

That have descended from Mount Gilead.

Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes

Which have come up from their washing,

All of which bear twins,

And not one among them has lost her young.

Your lips are like a scarlet thread,

And your mouth is lovely.

Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate

Behind your veil.

Your neck is like the tower of David,

Built with rows of stones

On which are hung a thousand shields,

All the round shields of the mighty men.

Your two breasts are like two fawns,

Twins of a gazelle

Which feed among the lilies.

Until the cool of the day

When the shadows flee away,

I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh

And to the hill of frankincense.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling,

And there is no blemish in you.

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride,

May you come with me from Lebanon.

Journey down from the summit of Amana,

From the summit of Senir and Hermon,

From the dens of lions,

From the mountains of leopards.”

SONG OF SOLOMON 4:1-8

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