flame

CHAPTER NINE

Be Romantic In and Out of Bed

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“My wife is always saying she wants me to be more romantic, but frankly, beyond flowers and candy, I don’t know what that looks like.”

It would be impossible to explore all of the nuances of sexual love without also including a discussion on romance. Who better to give us lessons than Solomon? We have seen his flair for romance in previous chapters, and we will see more examples in the future. In this scene, his sensitivity and romantic gestures to his wife are an inspiration to us all.

UNDERSTANDING THE SONG

This is Solomon and Tirzah’s wedding night. It is amazing and gracious of God to allow us to partake of the beauty and holiness of this sexual union. He does this for our understanding. Through the medium of poetry, God found the perfect balance. The Song is specific enough to be helpful, but sensitive enough not to offend. These words of love are a masterpiece and the best sex manual we will ever find. Enter in as we see this extended description (it will take two chapters) of Solomon and Tirzah’s lovemaking on their wedding night.

Solomon to Tirzah: “How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil.” (4:1)

Presumably, Solomon and his bride, on the couch in the bridal chamber, have initiated their loveplay. Overwhelmed by the beauty of his bride, Solomon praises her charms as his eyes caress her body. He again calls Tirzah “my darling,” an endearment that speaks of her companionship as both intimate and sexual.

Scholars are divided about what Tirzah’s veil represents. Some believe it refers to the way her long black hair cascades around her face and shoulders like a veil. Others believe that she is still wearing her wedding veil. But whatever form the veil takes, it seems likely that it evokes an aspect of mystery that simultaneously allures Tirzah’s husband and heightens his desire for her. As he looks through the veil and into her eyes, he compares them to the dove, a bird known for its intense loyalty and that often served as a symbol of purity and innocence.

Verses 1-7 make up the first of four occurrences in the Song of what Arabic love poetry labels a wasf, a poem of praise in which one of the lovers describes the beauty of the other, beginning with the head and moving down the body. The wasf is intended to describe and express emotions in a way that evokes the reader’s own emotions.[1]

Solomon to Tirzah: “Your hair is like a flock of goats that have descended from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes which have come up from their washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost her young.” (verses 1-2)

Having eyes like doves is one thing, but what wife wants her husband to tell her that her hair looks like goat’s hair or that she has all her teeth? Today such a husband would be met either with tears or a purse thrown directly at his empty head! Solomon was not stupid, so obviously he is telling Tirzah something that escapes those of us living in the twenty-first century.

In this verse, Solomon is referring to black goats, whose long, silky hair glistened in the sun. As they wound their way homeward, coming down the gentle slopes of Gilead, they looked like a graceful stream flowing down the hills. Solomon is saying that Tirzah evokes within him a similar picture of tranquil beauty. As he looks at her hair, a sense of serenity envelops him. He loves to take in what he sees.

While we can see the romance behind Solomon’s compliments about his bride’s hair, why the compliment about her teeth? Remember, this couple lived in a time when oral hygiene was nonexistent and root canals and crowns were an impossibility. So it must have been very rare for Tirzah to possess all her teeth and for them to be glistening white. No wonder he found her beautiful!

Solomon to Tirzah: “Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate behind your veil.” (verse 3)

Whether Tirzah’s lips were scarlet naturally or due to cosmetics, the meaning is clear: Her lips are delectable and Solomon desires to kiss her; her mouth is filled with delight and he longs to possess it. When he speaks of her temples as being like a slice of pomegranate, he is comparing them to the rosy, blush color that is unique to this delicacy when it becomes ripe.

It is unlikely that Solomon stood across the room when he recited this poem to his new bride. It’s much more probable that as he mentions each part of her body, he kisses and caresses it. So we assume that he starts his lovemaking by kissing and stroking her hair, lips, and mouth. Next he kisses and caresses her cheeks and neck.

Solomon to Tirzah: “Your neck is like the tower of David, built with rows of stones on which are hung a thousand shields, all the round shields of the mighty men.” (verse 4)

Once again Solomon seems insensitive. What bride wants her neck compared to a solid, thick tower weighted down with heavy metal shields? The image of the muscular, bulging neck of a professional wrestler fills our minds. Yet we don’t think Solomon had Hulk Hogan in mind. Some commentators believe that Solomon isn’t complimenting the appearance of her neck; rather he is saying that it is strong and dignified.[2] Her neck speaks of her erect and queenly carriage and symbolizes what she is to her husband: a source of strength and encouragement.

Solomon to Tirzah: “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies.” (verse 5)

Solomon then compares his wife’s breasts to two small young animals that are soft to the touch and display lightness and playfulness. Their texture and softness are invitations to “come, caress, and fondle.”[3] This word picture suggests sexual playfulness.

Next he describes her breasts as “twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies.” One commentator believes that this hints of Solomon’s intimate kissing of her breasts, because in Song 5:13, the bride refers to his lips as lilies. Tirzah’s breasts are the most powerful, visible expression of her femininity, and she wants to share that aspect of herself with her lover.[4]

Are you surprised that God’s Word discusses breasts in such an erotic way? Sadly, not all Christians down through the centuries have seen the beauty in the imagery in the Song, and they have allowed their cultural preconditioning to reject the obvious meaning of some of the passages of the Song. For example, one well-known German exegete of the last century wrote this about verse 5: The one “who supposes a particular reference in the young gazelles to the dark-colored nipples of her breasts as their especial charm, and in the lilies to the snowy whiteness of her bosom is inadmissible, and leads to what is a violation of good taste or to what is obscene.”[5] But because God has included it in Scripture, and He is holy, this description cannot be obscene.

Still, some Christians believe that mentioning the words breasts and the Bible in the same sentence seems sacrilegious. But as we shall see, the Song refers to Tirzah’s breasts many times. The book of Proverbs also proclaims that a wife’s breasts are to satisfy her husband at all times (see 5:19).

Solomon to Tirzah: “Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.” (verse 6)

This appears to be synonymous parallelism —the first item (mountain of myrrh) is synonymous with the second (hill of frankincense). Thus the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense refer to the same thing. But what do they represent? Both Song 4:12-14 and 4:16–5:1 use a garden to symbolically refer to the female genitals.[6] In both passages, myrrh and frankincense are described as characteristic scents of Tirzah’s “garden.”

Thus, when Solomon says he will go “to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense,” he speaks of his desire for intercourse. This interpretation is reinforced by the fact that Solomon’s praises and caresses start at his wife’s head and work downward. Note the sequence:

Solomon now sums up the beauty of his bride.

Solomon to Tirzah: “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is no blemish in you.” (verse 7)

It is as if Solomon steps back and reflects on the whole package, this wonderful gift from God that is his wife. He exclaims, “From head to toe, my Tirzah is sublime.” Some commentators have suggested that Solomon is not summarizing his bride’s appearance here but her character. It is likely both assessments are valid, because inner beauty often manifests itself in outer beauty.

Solomon to Tirzah: “Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, may you come with me from Lebanon. Journey down from the summit of Amana, from the summit of Senir and Hermon, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards.” (verse 8)

This is quite a switch. What is going on? Aren’t they in a bridal chamber in Jerusalem? It is obvious from the previous verses that Solomon’s praise was accelerating the pace of their lovemaking, but with this verse it looks as if he puts on the brakes by changing the topic of conversation. This seems odd and extremely unromantic given that this is their wedding night. What groom wants to pause in the midst of passion?

Scholars throughout the ages have disagreed about the meaning of this passage. Is Solomon asking his bride to “come away with him to Lebanon” or “come from the heights of Lebanon”? The original Hebrew is obscure; no preposition is provided. Also, it isn’t clear if Solomon is speaking here in sexual imagery or if he is speaking of an actual geographic location.

Those who believe that this is sexual imagery suggest that the passage is a clear description of sexual climax —moving higher and higher to the greatest physical ecstasy possible.[7] According to this view, a modern translation of Solomon’s words might be, “Come away with me and together we will scale the heights of passion, see things we’ve never seen before, and experience the wild and erotic.”

There is another way of viewing the passage, however, that seems to us to make more sense. Tirzah is not, of course, literally in Lebanon but is nostalgically thinking of the country home she left. The contrast between where she was raised and the events of the past days must have been striking. We would not be speculating too much if we imagined that she feels somewhat out of place and insecure in her new surroundings. Solomon is sensitively aware of her thoughts. He invites her to set them aside and come with him into his loving embrace.

APPLYING THE SONG TO COUPLES

Once again, Solomon piles on the praise. Does Tirzah ever tire of hearing how wonderful she is? We doubt it. The fact that praise is a repeated pattern in the Song speaks to us about the significant role praise should play in a marriage relationship. However, because we dealt extensively with the subject of praise in chapter 2, here we want to focus on the mood created by Solomon’s praise —the mood of romance.

Solomon wins the prize for the most romantic husband of the year. Remember, this is his wedding night. No doubt he is eager to make love to his wife’s body, but first he makes love to her soul by sensitively meeting her emotional needs. Step into Tirzah’s bejeweled slippers for a moment. Less than a month ago she had been walking barefoot in the vineyards near her home in the mountains of Lebanon. In the past week she had been transported south in a gala wedding procession, been placed in the splendid palace, and hosted a wedding banquet, and now she finds herself alone with her new husband, the king. Wedding jitters and the magnitude of becoming a wife would be enough to make any bride anxious, but Tirzah had other concerns as well. We know she felt insecure about her appearance (see 1:5-6; 2:1-2), and it’s likely that this country girl was overwhelmed by her new position as queen, as evidenced by her daydreams about her home in Lebanon.

Solomon is aware of Tirzah’s misgivings. First, he invites her to forsake her musings about her country home and come “with me,” that is, into the safety of his embrace. Then, he assures her that she is beautiful (see 4:1-7) and desirable. Their loveplay is relaxed and unrushed. This king knows how to be a servant lover! He longs to be intimate with his new bride, yet he sets aside his own desires in order to meet the heart needs of his wife.

Wow Your Mate with Romance

Sex is not an event —it’s an environment. It’s not an act —it’s an atmosphere. Romance creates the atmosphere for intoxicating sex. Dennis and Barbara Rainey define romance this way: “Romance is not the foundation of a marriage. It is the fire in the fireplace.”[8] The Song defines the atmosphere of romantic love for us in tangible ways. But before we talk about what romance is, let us first explain what it is not.

Romance is not Elmer.[9] Elmer arrives home from work, nods briefly to the kids, grunts to his wife, asks if there was anything in the mail, and then lets his mind be stimulated by blankly staring at the six o’clock news.

“Shhh,” his wife says to the children, “don’t make any noise. Daddy is trying to watch television.”

At exactly the right time, his wife tiptoes into the den and says, “Dear, dinner is ready.” (Elmer gets very upset when his dinner isn’t ready on time.) He shares the latest moves in the office games, and she describes struggles with her part-time job and the children’s misbehaviors. Wow! Exciting evening. Elmer burps his way through dinner and then leaves his wife to clean up the kitchen, diaper the baby, do the laundry, vacuum the house, and write an e-mail to his parents. She falls asleep totally exhausted about 10:00 p.m. In the meantime, Elmer dozes off in front of Tuesday Night at the Movies.

Suddenly, about 1:00 a.m. Elmer is jolted awake by a blaring commercial. He turns off the television set, dons his Roman toga, puts on a crown of ivy leaves, crashes into the bedroom, and shouts, “Let the games begin.” Elmer wants “playtime” before he goes “nite-nite.” And of course his wife is supposed to be aroused and excited. Being very considerate, Elmer may even give her sixty seconds before favoring her with his “Let’s get down to business” virility. Elmer just can’t understand why his wife isn’t passionately responding to his every initiative!

Nor is romance Thelma. It’s Wednesday. Thelma grudgingly responds to her husband’s overtures with a sigh, Oh, brother, I can’t believe he wants sex again. She puts on her favorite flannel shirt with the rip under the left arm. They kiss for exactly 2.2 seconds while she forces herself not to think about the release form she forgot to sign for their daughter’s field trip. Mechanically, she touches him using the same motions she always uses. He rubs her in the same spot, using predictable pressure as she inwardly moans, How long is this going to take? Two moves later, they are in position. One minute more and she rolls over and turns out the light. She sarcastically mutters under her breath loud enough for her husband to hear, “Another exciting evening of romance at the Toziers’ house.”

Romance is Solomon. He romanced Tirzah with the unexpected, the impractical, and the intentional. Let’s look at each of these concepts and consider ways we can apply them today to enhance romance in our marriages.

Romance Each Other with the Unexpected

Solomon surprised his wife with a lavish bedroom constructed with cedars from Lebanon (see 1:16-17). The message this sent to her was, “You have sacrificed your home for me, so I am bringing a bit of your home to you.” He placed romance as a priority when he left his demanding responsibilities in order to have a romantic rendezvous with his wife in the country (see 7:11). Today a husband can romance his wife by offering her a single long-stemmed rose for no reason, other than “I love you.” A wife can romance her husband by surprising him with a new transparent, low-cut teddy after the kids have gone to bed.

Darryl used the unexpected to redeem an evening that was headed for disaster. He and Kit were dressing to go to a friend’s wedding when they had what they describe as a knock-down, drag-out fight. (Fortunately, only words were hurled, no pots and pans.) Darryl stomped out of the bedroom in a huff. As Kit slipped into her beautiful dress, she thought, This is the last man on earth I want to be with right now. About fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang. When she opened the door, surprise! There stood Darryl dressed in a tux, holding a bouquet of roses. But he looked different; he had on a hat and sunglasses. And he talked differently —with an Italian accent. The rose bearer announced, “My name is Ramon. I received news that your pigheaded husband was a brute to you, so I have come to escort you to the wedding in his place. Come, my Precious Rose, and on the way you can talk to me about this imbecile you are married to.” “Ramon” took Kit to the wedding. They laughed and danced, and later they made passionate love. Darryl awoke with a smile on his face.

Several years ago, Jody unexpectedly surprised Linda. They were on their way to Europe to speak at a conference. During the plane ride, he handed her a sealed envelope containing a poem and tickets to two musicals in London. Instead of going straight to the conference, Jody was whisking his beloved away for two nights of romance and love.

Mark put together a group of men who were determined to love their wives sacrificially. They called themselves Men of the Titanic. For six months, the men planned every detail of a special surprise evening for their wives. First, the wives received hand-written invitations. Then, on the special night, limousines arrived and the wives were taken to a banquet hall the men had rented. Harp music greeted the ladies as they were escorted to their seats, where an embroidered napkin and flower awaited each one. Then, their husbands served them a six-course meal —an exact replica of the first-class dining menu on the Titanic. The men even sang love songs to their wives between the courses! Afterward, the men each read aloud a love letter they had written to their wives. They are now planning another special adventure involving medieval romance.[10]

Surprises don’t have to be a big production, such as showing up at a wedding using a different personality, seeing plays in London, or reenacting a meal on the Titanic. Sometimes the little things mean the most. One night, Brandon laid his head on the pillow and discovered that his wife had used glow-in-the-dark stars to write him a love message on their bedroom ceiling. The words glowed, “You are my lover and my friend.”

Romance Each Other with the Impractical

Not only did Solomon romance his bride with the unexpected, but he was also at times extravagant and impractical. It must have been very expensive for him to bring cedars from Lebanon to build their bedroom sanctuary. He could have used a local wood, but that wouldn’t have sent Tirzah as powerful a message of his love for her. He also lavished her with gifts of jewelry (see 1:11) and gifts of time. How did a busy king have time to frolic through the vineyards with his wife (see 7:11)?

The classic story of The Gift of the Magi illustrates the kind of impractical romance we are advocating. Here’s the story: Della, the wife, sacrificially cuts her beautiful, long hair in order to buy Jim, her husband, a gold chain for his watch for Christmas. Meanwhile, he has sold his watch to buy combs for her hair. What they did was impractical, yet their actions demonstrate what it means to be a servant lover. And even though Della no longer needed the combs and Jim no longer needed the gold chain, we have no trouble imagining how loved each of them felt.

Have you ever done something romantic for your spouse that was extravagant? Or does your desire to be practical get in the way? Maybe you tend to think that it’s not a strategic way to spend money, that you’re too old for that sort of thing, or that you should wait until you’ve fulfilled all of your other responsibilities.

If so, we encourage you to be willing to take a risk. Please understand. We are not advocating irresponsibility. We aren’t encouraging you to take out a second mortgage so that you can surprise your spouse with a trip to Europe or to go into credit card debt to buy a special gift. (Remember, Solomon had the money to purchase those cedars and ship them to Jerusalem!) We’re simply pointing out that it’s possible to be so practical that romance gets squelched. Your husband may need a new drill to the point of desperation or your wife’s blender may have mixed its last protein drink. While drills and blenders are practical gifts, they do not make the needle on the romance meter soar. Save your money and buy the necklace she longs to possess or the golf clubs of his dreams.

What can you give from your time, love, hard work, or savings that would make your mate feel as cherished? Is it redoing your bedroom to create a romantic mood? Is it a night together under the stars? Or maybe helping your mate achieve a dream that’s always seemed out of reach? Put on your thinking cap —we know you can come up with just the right thing. Here’s what Peter did:

Lorraine and I had been married five years and were saving every spare penny to purchase our first home. Going out for dinner? Never! (Unless it was McDonald’s.) We shopped at garage sales and clipped coupons. We pledged never to spend more than fifty dollars without consulting the other. But it was our anniversary, and it was time to be impractical. “Dress up really nice, darlin’, ’cause I have plans.” I drove Lorraine to Long Beach Harbor in Southern California where we boarded the HMS Queen Mary ship. We were seated at Sir Winston Churchill Restaurant, a five-star dining experience overlooking the harbor lights. I knew Lorraine gulped inwardly, thinking, How can we afford this? I handed her an anniversary card. Inside were messages of my undying love for her and an entertainment coupon for a “two-for-one dining experience on the Queen Mary.” She was thrilled. Yes, our evening was impractical but not undoable, and I could tell by the fact that her foot was stroking my leg under the table that she would relish every moment of being pampered like a queen.

Larry and Renee had dreamed for years about going to an exotic tropical island together, but other priorities surfaced. The washing machine broke. One child needed speech therapy, while the other needed braces. Meanwhile, Larry received a modest raise at work and secretly began putting away fifty dollars a month in a separate account so he could take Renee to her dream island. Two months before their departure date, Larry told Renee, “We are going away for a week, so please mark these days on your calendar. Every Saturday morning, you will receive one clue about where we are going.” In large letters, Larry wrote on a sheet of paper, “Look under our bed for all the details.” Then he cut the paper into six puzzle pieces. Each week, he gave Renee a “puzzle piece.” On the sixth week, after putting all the pieces together, she ran to the bedroom, looked under the bed, and discovered a box filled with brochures, airplane tickets, and even a suggested itinerary. Larry says, “Yeah, we spent a wad. But we fulfilled a dream, and it was worth every penny.”

Romance Each Other with the Intentional

Wise man that he was, Solomon understood that sometimes even the unexpected and the impractical must be planned. Solomon was intentional in his love for Tirzah. He planned a date (see Song 2:8-17) and cleared his schedule for a vacation so they could spend time loving each other (see 7:11–8:14). When she felt insecure about herself, he was intentional with his words, praising every part of her body (see 4:1-8).

Of course, romance can be spontaneous, such as embracing under a full moon and enjoying the sweetness of a kiss that makes your bones ache, or walking hand in hand by the seashore. When such moments occur, we need to pause and drink them in. But the majority of romantic moments in marriage are the result of intention. In other words, we schedule, we prepare, and we implement. In our hectic lives, romance will get crowded out unless we are intentional about it.

It’s not intentional (or romantic) when a husband tosses the newspaper at his wife while he’s flipping through the television channels and says, “Honey, why don’t you see if there is anything on at the movies and call and get a babysitter?” If a husband wants to romance his wife, he needs to plan the evening, line up the babysitter, and take her to the movie, just as he did before they were married —just the two of them. Going out with another couple is great, but it is not romantic, nor is it a date. A date is one husband and one wife, not a crowd. When couples go out with other couples, the wives spend the evening talking to one another and the husbands do the same. This is going out with friends, not going out on a date.

Even though intentional means “planned,” it can look spontaneous. For instance, let’s say a husband and his wife are out window shopping downtown one evening. He casually says, “Why don’t we stop in this store for a moment and look?” If she doesn’t faint when he says this, she may faint when the clerk behind the counter says, “Excuse me, are you Mrs. Jones? I have a little gift for you.” Her husband had purchased her a gift the day before, had it wrapped, and asked the salesperson to join in on his romantic plan.

Or adapt this idea for dinner. You just happen to go by your favorite restaurant, which is always packed, and you say, “Let’s see if they have a table.” She is hesitant, but you convince her. As expected, twenty-five people are waiting to be seated, and the hostess informs you it will be about an hour and a half before you can get a table. Just at that moment, the headwaiter arrives and says, “Good evening, Mr. Jones. We have your table for two right over here, overlooking the lights of the city.” That’s romance! That’s planning that appears spontaneous.

Are you thinking that neither of you is good at coming up with creative dates? You are in luck, because we surveyed thousands of couples and included some of their most creative ideas in chapter 15. The book 10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage, by David and Claudia Arp, also offers date suggestions as well as communication exercises. But if you want an entire year’s worth of creative date ideas in one box, try Simply Romantic Nights, a product Linda and Lorraine helped create with FamilyLife. This boxed product includes a book; “His and Her Romance Inventories,” which will help you know how your mate spells romance; and a series of perforated cards —twelve for him and twelve for her. On each card is everything you need for creating a romantic night (or day) for your mate. Some of the dates are sexual (“Sex in a Shoebox”); others are romantic (“As You Wish”). All can help put fun and romance back into your intimacy.

We hope this chapter has inspired you to nurture the romance in your marriage. Romance is one of the sparks that will ignite intimacy and keep the flame of your love burning. For that reason, we encourage you to take a few minutes to do the following:

Now it’s time to put what you have read into practice. Take action! Romance is the fire in the fireplace of your marriage. So venture out and romance each other. Do the unexpected. Be impractical. Be intentional. What you reap in your intimacy will be well worth your effort!

SERVANT LOVERS:   Are romantic, in and out of bed.

SELFISH LOVERS:   Are unwilling to invest the time, energy, and effort to romance their mate.

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SOLOMON TO TIRZAH:

“You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride;

You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes,

With a single strand of your necklace.

How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!

How much better is your love than wine,

And the fragrance of your oils

Than all kinds of spices!

Your lips, my bride, drip honey;

Honey and milk are under your tongue,

And the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

A garden locked is my sister, my bride,

A rock garden locked, a spring sealed up.

Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates

With choice fruits, henna with nard plants,

Nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,

With all the trees of frankincense,

Myrrh and aloes, along with all the finest spices.

You are a garden spring,

A well of fresh water,

And streams flowing from Lebanon.”

TIRZAH TO SOLOMON:

“Awake, O north wind,

And come, wind of the south;

Make my garden breathe out fragrance,

Let its spices be wafted abroad.

May my beloved come into his garden

And eat its choice fruits!”

SOLOMON TO TIRZAH:

“I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;

I have gathered my myrrh along with my balsam.

I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;

I have drunk my wine and my milk.”

GOD TO THE COUPLE:

“Eat, friends;

Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”

SONG OF SOLOMON 4:9–5:1

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