As a coup de grace for my part as Bottom, Dr Lightowler has found some furry leggings for me to wear. She said “found” them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she had “found” them and ordered them from a special magazine called ‘How to Make Someone Look Like an Idiot’.

I can’t believe I am actually going to be in The Blind Pig in front of Ted Barraclough and the rough village lads, in leggings and Mickey Mouse ears. Like a comedy owl.

But I am.

I was lying on my squirrel bed with my head under the pillows when Dobbins knocked at my door. She said, “Lullah, the boys have got something for you. They’ve knitted it themselves. Well, I helped a bit, but they held the wool.”

Oh Jezebel’s Mum, what next?

They all came in. The lunatic twins are almost entirely made out of wool now. Hats, earmuffs, scarves, booties, you name it, Dobbins has knitted it.

She is sooo excited about the show tonight.

She said, “Ooooh, Tallulah I am sooo proud of you – you gorgeous, gorgeous girl. Isn’t she gorgeous, boys, shall we hug her?”

Max and Sam came to do knee hugging. Sucking on their dodies. I notice the dodies had knitted covers. As we were in the group hug Dobbins said, “Give Lullah her pressie.”

And Sam’s mitten came up from beneath my waist. He said, a bit muffled from being buried in my knees, “It’s for ooooooo.”

And Dobbins said, “Yes, it’s for Lullah, and what is it, Max?”

Max said through his dodie, “It’s an ARSE.”

Dobbins stopped the group hug.

She said, “No, boys, that is the wrong word, what is the right word?”

Sam got a bit cross, “Shhhh, lady!!! It is an arse, an arsey arse!”

It’s not a knitted arse. It’s a knitted heart. With little hands sticking out of it. Which is quite sweet really. At least someone loves me.

 

At six o’clock I couldn’t put it off any longer; it was time to set off for The Blind Pig for the final performance of my life.

As I looked over the green, I could see the lights in the pub twinkling in the windows. And a group of village lads laughing and joking outside. I could also hear the sound of guitars and Mr Barraclough’s voice singing, “I’m the god of hell fire. PIES, I’m gonna…”

Ruby came tumbling across to meet me with Matilda. Matilda had her tutu on and some fairy wings. Ruby said, “Oooh, look at you. Show me your furry tights.”

I said, “I’d rather not.”

Ruby said, “Don’t be so daft, you big girl. Everyone’s going to see be seeing ’em soon, the pub’s packed out. You have to show Northern grit – else they’ll eat you alive! Anyway, you can’t let me down, I’ve trained Matilda especially. She knows to run out in her tutu and then lie down for you, so you can do your Enchantment dance.”

Oh, yes, my ‘Enchantment dance’. Or my ‘Humiliation dance’. Or ‘Dr Lightowler’s Revenge dance’.

Still, I am going to gird my feet for heavy bleeding and hope for the golden slippers of applause. At least Alex the Good is not here to see this.

 

Bob pulled up in his Bobmobile outside The Blind Pig and the Tree Sisters and the rest of the cast got out.

I walked as slowly as I could to meet my fate.

Dr Lightowler had her party outfit on, well, her winter cloak. As I arrived, she half smiled. “Aaah, Tallulah, are you excited about your big night as Bottom? I am.”

And she swept off.

Why does she hate me?

Blaise Fox came up to me. She said, “Furry tights?”

I opened my coat. She looked me up and down.

“Splendid. Remember, you are not doing this for me, you are not doing it for the school, you are doing it for your inner comedian.”

One of the village lads passed by and looked at my legs. Then he said to me, “Bloody hell, what a state. Get the Immac out, love.”

 

I said to the Tree Sisters, “It’s all right for you. You only have your fairy dance and singing chorus work to do.”

Jo said, “Er, Tallulah, I am doing a tap dance with dustbin lids on my feet.”

I said, “You’ve all got your inner thespians to fall back on.”

And Flossie said, “Oooooh, well, you’ve got your cheeky Bottom to fall back on!”

When we went in, we had to squeeze through the bar packed with people and get changed in the ladies loos. (We knew it was the ladies because there was a photo of Mr Barraclough in a dress on the door.)

 

Monty’s costume is similar to the one he wore when we did the Mummers play, only his tights are green. He said to me, “I’ve got a little surprise in my codpiece this time which will bring the house down.”

We looked at each other.

It was so much worse than I could have imagined.

For a start, the Bottomleys were all there at the front. All chewing gum. Or maybe cow heel.

Sidone came backstage (the loos) and said, “Come on, let’s show them our bleeding feet.”

We came on as village folk at first, chopping and plucking and hey-nonny-no-ing.

Even Bob had dressed up to play the lute. I don’t know if you’ve heard heavy metal lute playing, but that’s what he was doing.

Vaisey, Flossie and Jo were singing Village People and then Monty came on as narrator. His codpiece got a huge cheer.

He started his improvised hey-nonny-no speech about love. Prancing around with his hands on his hips, pulling scarves from his codpiece. “Gather round and listen to a tale of love. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. For love comes in all shapes and forms. Look at yon simple country folk.”

Ted Barraclough shouted out, “Ay up, don’t be cheeky, the Bottomleys can’t help it.”

And that set the tone really.

 

Lav, Dav and Noos did their gong song, singing ‘I’m a fool for love’. But repeating love like an echo, “I’m a fool for love, love, love, love…”

I noticed that none of them had furry leggings or Mickey Mouse ears.

Jo leapt on as Puck and chucked pretend love potion in everyone’s eyes, and even the village boys got out of her way. Sidone made a grand guest appearance as Titania. I didn’t know that the Queen of Fairies would wear a Dick Whittington costume, but she did.

Sidone sidled up to Mr Barraclough and put her hand to his face. He began to say, “Madam, I must ask you to be gentle with me, I have an incapacitating pie-eating injury…”

But she trilled with laughter and hit him with her knapsack. Then she breathed, “Aaah, such beauty I have rarely seen outside fairy land.”

All the village boys cheered.

She went on, panting at Mr Barraclough, “You strong-thighed son of the soil.”

Mr Barraclough said, “I do my best, love.”

All of the pub went “Oohhh”.

 

It seemed to be going well, with the pretend snogging and the fighting and Monty’s tambourine poetry, but then Puck chucked fairy dust in Sidone’s eyes.

It was my turn, to change from Bottom the Weaver into the Donkey-Headed Fool.

Or in my case, the Mickey Mouse-Eared Fool.

I ripped off my peasant’s smock and hat to reveal my hairy tights and Mickey Mouse ears. Everyone went mad, which was quite nice actually. Somebody yelled, “Phwoar!”

Sidone came over to me with love in her eyes, she was saying, “Ah me, ah me…” And looked me up and down. I did a bit of skipping because it was so spooky. She looked like she might eat me.

Then she said, “Oh, you are gorgeous.”

Blimey. Now it was my big moment. My Enchantment dance.

I fiddled with my ears and said, “I know, Madam, it’s the knees.”

And I did a bit of mushy knee walk.

Monty said, “Oh, bravo!”

And there was more applause from the audience. I said to Sidone, “Look at these knees, worship the knees. These knees can make anyone do anything, they are magical knees.”

This was the cue for the chorus to sing ‘Isn’t He Lovely’ to an Irish tune.

Ruby waggled a hoofy snack and Matilda toddled out in her tutu and wings. She could see Ruby waggling the hoofy, and lay on her back with her legs sticking up.

Hurrah!

I did my Irish donkey dancing over her upturned legs and got a massive round of applause. Titania swooned.

 

At the end, as we took our bows, Sidone got up. She walked to the centre of the stage and waited for quiet.

“Local community, friends of Dother Hall, girls, my girls. I went to London in an attempt to resolve our little financial misunderstandings, but I am sorry to say that I found myself met on every side by the dark ignorant forces that pit themselves against the artist. Dark ignorant forces who say, ‘We are not interested in the ballet – get your wallet out!’”

She swayed and Monty got to his feet. She wasn’t going to have to be hauled off like a fish finger again, was she?

She put her head in her hands.

Oh no. Was this the final goodbye to Dother Hall?

She looked at us.

“As you can imagine, I returned to Dother Hall broken. To be greeted by Bob burning the last of the potting-shed shelves… and…”

Jo said, “I bet our beds are gone.”

Sidone hadn’t finished.

“…some wonderful, wonderful news!! A letter from Honey’s agent in Hollywood, Mr Bloomfield. He’d heard from Honey about our financial misunderstandings with the creatures who call themselves The Revenue.”

She turned to look at Monty and said, “Why they don’t just wear black masks and carry bags with ‘THIEF’ written on them…”

Monty gave her a hankie and she continued.

“But the good news is, girls, that Mr Bloomfield has sent us a very generous cheque!! So, girls, we march on. Limping a little, but carrying on!”

Monty clapped and shouted, “Oh, bravo, bravo.”

We all cheered and Flossie said, “Does that mean I can have a bath?”

The Tree Sisters were jumping up and down. I even let Mr Barraclough wear my ears. Ruby was yelling, “Hurray! Hurray!”

 

After Sidone’s speech, when everyone was hugging each other and Matilda was happily chewing her hoofy, a big black dog came in. It growled menacingly and people backed away from it.

Was it the son of Fang?

The black dog went over to Matilda and snatched the hoofy away from her. Matilda just watched sadly as the black dog took her snack out of the door.

There was a silence, then Mrs Bottomley shouted, “That were bloody Cain’s dog. That black-hearted swine must be around. I’m off for my gun.”

I said to Ruby, “Will she really get her gun?”

Ruby said, “Oh, yes.” And all the Bottomleys stormed out of the pub.

Seth and Ruben came into the bar. They were laughing. Seth clicked his teeth at Flossie who was still in her fairy costume. “Ay up, big lass, awreet?”

And she clicked back, “Not so bad, big lad.”

Then Eccles Bottomley came screeching into the pub again followed by her sisters. She shouted at Seth and Ruben, “Your bloody brother has kicked down our outdoor lavatory again.”

Ruben said, “He dun’t take kindly to being shot at.” And he and Seth laughed.

Then Seth looked straight at me. “Anyway, Cain does as he pleases. Doesn’t he, lanky lass?”

What does he know???

Beverley shouted, “He’s a bloody animal, he’s rotten through and through, you should be shamed to be ’is brothers.”

Seth said, “Blood’s thicker than lasses.”

And he and his brother walked out.

Blood’s thicker than lasses?

What does that mean?

Flossie said, “Why that Seth boy, he’s gorgeous, isn’t he?”

As we surged out of the pub, everyone was chattering. Bob said, “That Honey is a diamond.”

 

It was a clear dark night outside and you could see Grimbottom looming. There was shouting and commotion all over the village and torches flickering everywhere.

Flossie said, “I bet Cain will be back with Fang. Probably having a nourishing Cup-a-Soup.”

Will he though?

I shivered. He’d been so near to me in the village and then he’d melted away. Or perhaps he was looking at us even now.

From his black lair.

In his black coat.

 

As we hovered outside The Blind Pig, inside Mr Barraclough said loudly into his microphone, “Ladies and gentlespoons, now that the students have finished entertaining us with their lovely version of ‘Twits in Tights’ it’s time for a reight good singsong – may I introduce to you… The Iron Pies!” And a loud crashing started. “Pies! Pies, I’m gonna…”

Bob was packing stuff into his Bobmobile, but he stopped and said, “Dudes, that is awesome. That is Iron Butterfly reborn.” And went back into the pub.

We didn’t know what to do after all the excitement.

Flossie said, “Wow, oooh, we get to stay at Dother Hall.”

Vaisey said, “I wish I could tell Jack – I thought he might be here.”

Jo was chucking sticks around. “When is Phil going to come? Eh? When, when, when?? Wheny, when, when???”

Ruby has given us crisps and lemonade so we thought we’d go to the barn and see the owlets before we leave for half term. We crunched down the back path to the barn.

 

It was nice to get into the warm. The hay and straw kept it snug.

As we sat eating our crisps, I said to Flossie, “You know when you – well – what did you talk to Seth about?”

Flossie looked serious. “Oh, the usual, world peace, the Euro.”

Vaisey said, “Really?”

And Flossie said, “No. We said ‘hello’ and then he snogged me.”

We all went, “Ooooooohhhhhh.”

I thought Vaisey’s eyes were going to fall out. She said, “What was it like?”

And Flossie considered. “Quite nice actually. He’s a bit too pokey with his tongue but he improved.”

I said aloud accidentally, “Oh yeah, I know what you mean, the tongue thing is tricky, it can be a bit too much like bat boy and not enough like Ca—”

Jumping Jehosophat, I’d nearly said Cain!!!!

At which point, praise be to Our Lady, a miracle happened. Out of the hay burst the Woolfe boys.

First Jack and Ben then behind them Charlie… and Phil!

Jo flew off her hay bale and leapt into Phil’s arms and they both fell back into the hay. Laughing. And kissing. And fighting. Just like the old days.

 

It was great to see the boys again. And my little mates, Vaisey and Jo, were so happy. Jo was sitting on Phil’s knee, nuzzling his neck and he had his arms around her. He said to her, “Hello, trouble, I’m back!!!” And then they snogged in front of us.

Vaisey and Jack did a lot of big smiling at each other and Flossie fluttered her eyelashes at Ben saying in her Southern accent, “Why, hello, young fella.”

Oh no, she’s doing Honey’s hypnotic eyes as well. He is putty in her hands, poor thing.

Charlie came and sat next to me.

“Hello, missus.”

I said a bit shyly, “Hello.”

Charlie smiled and said, “Done any more owl work?”

I smiled back. “No, but I’ve just been Bottom in mouse’s ears and I still managed to do some Irish donkey dancing and mushy knees.”

Charlie said, “Praise the knees.”

I like Charlie a lot. And I sort of even like him because he told me the truth about his girlfriend. And I think it’s nice to know the truth, even if it is a bit painful sometimes. I told him about the money from Honey’s agent, and he told me about Phil coming back to Woolfe Academy and how the headmaster had made him stand in front of the whole school.

Charlie said, “Yep, Hoppy said he’d let his family down, his school down, but most of all he’d let himself down.”

I said, “Was Phil upset?”

Charlie said, “Oh, yes, indeed. So he set up a gambling club in the dorm.”

 

As the boys were leaving, Charlie said to me quietly, “Lullah, I’ve thought a lot about you being so worried that you weren’t pretty enough or a good enough kisser, and it really upset me. You’re top, Tallulah, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

And he gave me a hug.

Then he kissed my cheek.

Then he kissed the other cheek. Then…

Phil shouted, “Come on, Charlie, put her down.”

Charlie said, “See you next term, gorgeous.”

 

In my squirrel room, on the last night before I leave for Cousin Georgia’s for half term. Wow. Just when you think nothing will ever happen, everything happens at once. I’ll just add all this to my diary…

There was a thud at my window.

I crept over and looked down. I couldn’t see anyone there.

I opened my window and looked out.

Then from the dark, a voice said softly, “Ay up, Southern lass – av I woken thee up? I bet I av. I’ve left summat for thee.”

I whispered, “What’s that?”

But there was no reply.

I pulled my dressing gown on and crept downstairs quietly, trying not to make the wooden stairs creak. It was pitch black but I felt around and found Dibdobs’ emergency torch by the door. In its knitted torch-holder.

I unlatched the door and crept out in my slippers. The wind was moaning amongst the trees. I pulled my dressing gown tight around me against the bitter cold. The beam of the torch made a pool of light before me.

I went down the side path to just under my window and flashed my torch about. The beam illuminated a knife, stuck into a tree trunk.

Ooooh. This was creepy.

I said, “Cain, Cain, stop this now, it’s not funny.”

But there was no reply.

I went and looked at the knife. It was stuck through an envelope.

 

Back in my squirrel bed, with the owls hooting and the wind rattling the windowpane, I opened the envelope.

There, in thick untidy writing, it read:

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

 

Underneath in barely legible handwriting it said:

 

I know tha likes this sort of thing.

See thee later.

 

On the train home to Georgia’s, I thought, this time I’ve got something to tell her and the Ace Gang.

I’ve done nose-licking and other dark things… Things which I will never tell another soul about as long as I live.

But I’m not going to think about the bad things, because from now on I will only go for the good.

Like Charlie calling me gorgeous.

And a naturally cracking kisser.

And saying that I was lovely.

Perhaps I just dreamt the dark bits? Perhaps they never really happened.

As the train pulled away from the station, a dark-coated figure was standing by the Skipley Home of the West Riding Botty sign.

He turned and winked to me as my carriage passed.

It was Cain.