“I love you, man!”
I roll my eyes and slide down the bench, trying to put as much space between me and the Dionysian godling confessing his feelings for me. He just as quickly closes the gap, this time putting an arm around my shoulder.
I try not to get too angry with him as he’s riddled full of police-issue cupid arrows and therefore can’t help himself.
But it does little good.
“No, really,” he says, “I. Love. You. Man!”
“Oh yeah? Well, love me from over there!” I tell him, having little choice but to give him a bit of the Eye. It snaps him to his senses and he goes scurrying to the other side of our jail cell. “Hmph,” I snort, “Imprisoned behind bars of steel-hard chocolate. How embarrassing.”
“Frost!”
My other cellmates glance at me as the guard calls my name.
“Front and center. You have a visitor.”
In a small act of rebellion, I make them wait a second. Then I slowly get up and walk to the jail cell entrance. The guard opens the door and escorts me down the bubblegum-pink hallway to a series of gumdrop-covered booths. Dee sits on the booths’ other side, patiently awaiting me. I take at a seat at one and she joins me. Through the window separating us, I see she’s holding a bouquet of roses.
“For me?” I ask. It takes her a second to realize I’m talking about the rose bouquet in her hand.
“These? Since I’ve arrived here, I’ve been given at least a dozen every time I walk into a new room. But a girl knows never to turn down roses. You should’ve bought me more!”
“Would it have made a difference?”
“Maybe.”
“Story of my life.”
“What happened, Jack? How did you get inside here?”
“I went to see Talbot’s girlfriend—”
“This Lupercalia you mentioned over the globe? Should I be jealous?”
“Hush. You know better than that. I went to see her and found our wolf hiding upstairs. He ran. I made chase.”
“We’ll send some feds out to pick her up.”
“Make sure they’re female.”
“Why?”
“No reason.”
“So? How does a friendly visit land you in the big house?”
“—Talbot was getting away. I had to do the gift swap with a cupid for his bow and arrow. Put one in Talbot’s leg. The cops nabbed me for theft before I could collar him.”
“Where did Talbot go?”
“H-Town. You two probably passed each other on your way over.”
“Hardy-har-har. I talked to Father Time when you called. He’s pulling what strings he can, but this falls under Loveland jurisdiction.”
“Where does that leave me?”
“I’m afraid you’re going to have to sit tight until he can get those favors called in. Shouldn’t be longer than a century or two.”
“And me without my toothbrush.”
“These things take time, Jack.”
“Well, time we’ve got. An eternity’s worth unless I can get out of here and get to finding Pop!”
“Time’s up,” the guard warns from behind me. It’s unclear to me if he’s trying to be ironic.
“I’ve got to go, Jack,” Dee says as she stands. “I’ll keep on his Honor. We’ll have you out of here soon. You’ll see.”
“Yeah.”
“Bye, Jack.”
I watch Dee leave and then return to my cell.
I’m behind bars while the holidayers who kidnapped my father are running free as a reindeer in wintertime. I’m about as low as an elemental can get.
I try to think about what Pop would do in a situation like this. He would’ve had everyone hugging and singing Christmas carols by now—probably have the prisoners begging to serve his sentence for him and the guards falling over themselves to let him go. The man’s just that way—spreads good cheer wherever he goes. To know him, is to love him. I speak from experience.
And that troubles me all the more. I’m half-surprised the jolly fat fellow hasn’t popped up again all on his own, his captor reformed, apologetic, and ready to turn himself in. Whomever is behind all this is one cold-hearted criminal, even by my standards.
Suddenly, thinking about all this, I’m terrified for Pop—of where he is, of what’s being done to him. I’m just about to jump out of my seat and scream and beat the cell bars until they let me out of here when the Christmas Angel speaks from beside me.
“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you, Jack.”
“Hello, Epiphany,” I say, trying to play it cool. It always rattles me when she just appears like this. “Haven’t seen you around in millennia.”
“I’m a busy celestial.” Epiphany folds her white-robed arms. She’s pretty hum-drum by angel standards. No wings or halos. Not even a heavenly glow.
“I can imagine. So, since you’re talking to me and no one else here seems to notice you, can I assume you’ve come to bring the walls tumblin’ down?”
Epiphany chuckles. Her laughter is melodious.
“No, I’m afraid—”
Epiphany notices a prisoner crying in the corner—a Mexican Independence Day revolutionary. She gets up and walks over to him, though he remains oblivious to her presence. She bends down and cups her hand to whisper something into his ear. Immediately his tears dry up and a look of peace spreads over his face.
Moments later, she’s sitting beside me once again. “Now, as I was saying—I’m afraid that, in these modern times, we prefer not to interfere with natural law, or even supernatural law, when possible. A more indirect approach seems to work best for all concerned.”
“Well, ain’t that just holly jolly for me?”
“Don’t fret, Jack. I didn’t say I was going to leave you totally without support.”
“If by support you mean anything other than a lock pick, then it’s nutcrackers to me.”
“Oh, Jack. So glum. Perhaps you just need to take a closer look at what tools you already have available.”
“Tools? I could freeze those bars all I wanted and it wouldn’t do any good. They’re magically reinforced. And you wouldn’t know it to look at them, but those guards are too strong-willed for the Eye. Believe me. I tried. I’m lucky they left me in here with the clothes on my—!”
I turn to look Epiphany directly in the eye, but she’s already gone, her work here done.
What an idiot I am! The guards left me my clothes, specifically my stocking-fedora and trench-cloak. Now, if I can just somehow trick the guards into opening the door, I can go dim and slip out of here!
I stand up and sigh, knowing what I must do. I pick out the biggest, meanest-looking prisoner I can find—a man-sized groundhog standing upright on its hind-legs. I waltz up to him.
“What are you looking at?” I ask, bowing my chest out at him.
He ignores me and continues swinging his head nervously from side-to-side, eyeing the floor.
“I said, what are you looking—?”
“Please tell me you haven’t seen it!” He says without taking his eyes off the floor.
“Seen what?”
“My shadow. I had them lock me up to get away from it, but it’s tricky! I always have to be on the lookout.”
I turn away, realizing that I’m not going to get anywhere with this ‘fraidy-cat. Then inspiration strikes and I turn back.
“Great Santa’s beard!” I say pointing at the groundhog’s clawed feet. “There it is!”
It works better than I could’ve possibly hoped. The groundhog doesn’t even wait to ask if I’m talking about his shadow. He simply bolts in terror, climbing over our fellow prisoners for the other side of the room and doing a wonderful job of riling them up in the process. The next thing I know, there’s a full-scale brawl going on inside the jail cell.
I back into a corner and go dim as guards in full riot gear come charging into the cell, cupid bows strung behind heart-shaped shields. I let them pass and slip out unnoticed.
Two shakes of a snow globe later, I’m off shore and swimming for H-Town.