Chapter 4

New York
2000

MITCH GOT OFF the Greyhound bus at Port Authority and instantly felt like the smallest, most meaningless speck in a city full to the brim with people who knew exactly what they should be doing. Even the drunken bearded man in a mass of rags panhandling in the subway exit seemed more sophisticated than he was.

He pulled his rucksack tighter over his shoulder and headed for the daylight.

Once above ground, he was assailed by noise and movement. Cars rushed past, yellow cabs wove in and out of less nimble traffic, silver buses rolled imperturbably alongside the sidewalk, all stopping to obey the instructions of the traffic lights as though following the steps of an intricate dance: now one stream moving, now another, ever flowing up and down and across the grid system of the city’s streets.

He felt overwhelmed by the size and sound of the city, the vast glass-and-steel office blocks rearing up into the sky, dwarfing him as he stumbled past their revolving doors, and the bustle and rush of people as they strode determinedly on their way. The people themselves were extraordinary: all colours, shapes and sizes, in all manner of clothes. There were races he’d never seen in his backwater of a town: Korean boys with fierce eyes and set mouths wearing rock-band T-shirts and jeans; Chinese women in dark trousers and shirts hurrying by about their business with armfuls of packages; graceful Somalian girls wafting along the kerb. He saw giant women in leopard-print coats and glittery high heels, with heavy make-up and unnaturally large hair – They must be men, Mitch thought incredulously. He’d heard of trans-sexuals but never seen any – and beautiful girls, more beautiful girls than he’d imagined possible in one place, along with loping young guys, shuffling old men, and the armies of middle-aged, middle-income office workers in their dark suits and leather shoes.

Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? he wondered. His only plan had been to get to New York and find some adventure. He had $250 in his pockets, the sum total of his life savings, and a backpack with his few possessions in it.

He hadn’t believed she would do it but Jo-Lynn had been as good as her word. The very next day, when he’d been in the kitchen with the commis-chefs, overseeing their preparations for the day’s service and sipping strong black coffee to wake himself up, Stanley had come bursting into the kitchen, his fat face puce and his fists clenched.

‘Where’s that sonofabitch?’ he bawled, scattering porters and chefs as he hurled his meaty body along the narrow gangways of the kitchen. Rounding a corner, he found Mitch putting down his coffee cup and staring up at him in surprise.

‘There you are!’ yelled Stanley.

‘Huh? What’s the problem?’ was all Mitch had time to say before his jacket was seized by the front and he found himself close to Stanley’s jowly, sweating face, red-veined nose and pink, popping eyes.

‘You think you can touch my wife, do ya, ya piece of shit?’ he screamed.

‘No way, I—’

‘She told me all about it, you fuckin’ jackal. How you asked her to come over last night, and then tried to get your stinking hands on her – in my fuckin’ office!’

Mitch’s mouth gaped open but he couldn’t think what to say. The truth was impossible, as incendiary as the lie. He couldn’t say, ‘Your wife tried to seduce me, sir, but I refused’ – all manner of fresh insults were tied up in that. All he could do was defuse this boiling anger somehow …

‘There’s been a misunderstanding,’ he panted, aware of Stanley’s white knuckles only inches from his face.

‘Yeah?’ His boss’s brow creased and his mouth twisted. ‘How do you misunderstand a man shoving his fuckin’ hand up a woman’s chest, and tellin’ her he wants to fuck her? Huh?’

Mitch saw with sudden clarity that his boss had been wary of him for some time: no doubt he’d always feared that his brawny young employee would set his wife’s pussy buzzing. His suspicions were mature, ready to ripen the minute Jo-Lynn gave them voice. I just gotta get out of here, as soon as I can, Mitch realised.

‘OK, OK,’ he said in as calm a voice as he could manage. ‘I fucked up, Stanley. I was drunk and made a bad mistake.’

‘I’ll say you fuckin’ did …’

‘I’m outta here right now, sir.’ He felt Stanley’s grip loosen and pulled himself free. ‘I’m gonna get my things and go.’

Stanley looked surprised, wrong-footed. Then his face darkened. If Mitch was giving in so fast, then it must all be true, there could be no doubt. Fresh rage seemed to boil up in him. ‘You get out of here within the next twenty seconds or you’ll be so damn’ sorry, you’ll be cursing your mother for ever squeezin’ you out! And I want you out of this town too. Or I’m gonna come looking for you, I promise you that, you cunt-stealing piece of crap!’

Mitch ripped off his jacket and headed for his locker, aware of the watchful eyes of the other chefs. Heading out through the restaurant with his jacket and bag, he saw Jo-Lynn sitting in the front. She gave him a look as he went, something like triumph and something like despair. He ignored her, walked out on to the main street and headed to his place to pick up his belongings. He was on the evening bus out of town.

The man behind the reception desk at the hostel on West and Sixty-third had a kind of surly air about him. Mitch had been expecting a warmer welcome than this: maybe not quite singing and dancing, but a smile and perhaps some food.

‘How many nights?’ the man demanded.

‘I don’t know. Three?’

‘That’ll be fifteen dollars a night.’

Mitch nodded. He pulled out some notes.

‘Just pay for tonight. And fill in this form.’ The man handed him a clipboard with a sheet of paper attached. ‘Got some ID?’

Mitch handed over his driver’s licence. The man looked at it and nodded. ‘Now, you know the rules here. No drink, no drugs, right? Give me your bag, I gotta search it.’

‘Sure.’ Mitch had never felt so respectable in all his life. He’d never touched drugs, not even pot in high school when everyone was smoking it, and he rarely drank much beyond a couple of beers after work or when he was watching baseball games.

The man took the shabby nylon rucksack and unzipped it. He put his hand in and began rummaging about, peering in to see what he could find. ‘What’s this?’ He pulled out a cotton towel rolled up into a thick sausage of cloth.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Mitch said. ‘That’s …’

Before he could explain, the man unrolled the towel, revealing a steel knife glinting with sharpness, riveted into its handle for extra strength. ‘What the hell—?’

‘That’s my knife.’

‘I can see it’s your damn’ knife!’ The man stared up at him with horror in his eyes.

‘It’s not what you think,’ Mitch said, seeing at once how it looked. ‘I’m a chef. It’s a tool of the trade. It’s my knife.’ He didn’t know how to explain what a chef’s knife meant to him, and how right it felt when you finally found the exact one, weighted just so and with the heft that exactly suited your hand and a blade so honed it could slice through anything with the merest pressure.

‘You can’t walk around carrying this thing,’ the man said, shaking his head in astonishment. ‘You wanna be arrested? I’m telling you, I oughta call the cops!’

‘Don’t do that, sir!’ Mitch said swiftly. ‘Like I said, I’m a chef. I don’t mean any harm with it.’

‘You can’t stay here with that thing. Want my advice? Go drop it in the Hudson right now. You’ll only get into trouble – bad trouble – with a knife like that in a place like this.’

Mitch stared at him, his spirits dropping. ‘I gotta go?’

‘You gotta go this minute. Or I mean it – I’ll call the cops. That’s a deadly weapon, boy.’

Mitch walked through the city, disconsolate and apprehensive. He walked all the way to the western side of Manhattan, and stared out across the blue waters of the Hudson. Night was coming on and he had nowhere to stay. Should he drop his knife into the river, like the reception guy had said? He didn’t dare even take it out of his bag.

No, I can’t do it. It’s all I’ve got. I could never afford another one like this. Besides, he loved it. He’d left behind all his books, his papers, his attempt to get himself an education. All he had now was his knife, the one reminder that he could cook.

Cooking is what I do. That’s how I’ll get out of this mess.

He turned away from the river and headed back into the city, veering south. He would find restaurants and ask for work. Restaurants always needed chefs, he knew that. The workforce was always shifting and changing. He would go from kitchen to kitchen and find himself a job, and then he’d worry about where he was going to sleep.

He wandered into a district where there were more restaurants and started going round the back and knocking on the kitchen doors, asking if anyone wanted an extra pair of hands. But it was getting late and evening service was well under way. In the packed restaurants they yelled at him to come back tomorrow, couldn’t he see they were fuckin’ busy? And in the quiet ones, they shook their heads sorrowfully: there wasn’t enough work for the staff they had, they didn’t need more idle hands.

It was two in the morning and the kitchens were closing when he gave up. He was exhausted, desperate to sleep, and feeling more and more lost and confused in the big city. The night seemed full of threats: faces looming out of alleys, cars cruising by with music thudding from the open windows and shouts and taunts from the occupants, passersby giving him suspicious looks. Then at last he found a grubby hotel, the kind where he didn’t think they’d search his bag, and handed over twenty-five of his precious dollars for a bed, but the place was alive all night with noise – thudding, screaming, gasping, fighting – and he rolled over, buried his head in the thin pillow and tried in vain to sleep.

The next day, he was even more tired than when he’d gone to bed, but he knew that today he had to find a job. More than that, he needed some food. Apart from a bagel he’d bought from a stand the day before, he hadn’t had a proper meal for nearly two days.

He walked out on to the grey streets and wandered for a block or so, then found a cafe, went in and ordered eggs and coffee, which he wolfed down and immediately felt better.

I can do this. I’m young, I’ve got talent and I’m in the centre of the restaurant world, with no ties and nothing to hold me back. I can make it here, I know it! He had tried to look at the whole sorry incident with Stanley as the kick up the ass he needed to get him out of small-town life and into the big city. He’d always dreamt of something special for himself. Now he was forcing himself to seek it out.

The kitchens were just coming to life when he started looking again. The porters were hauling out rubbish, the day’s supplies were being delivered to the back doors, and the chefs were fortifying themselves for the day ahead, outside with coffee, cigarettes and bacon bagels.

‘Hey,’ Mitch said, going up to a couple of guys in baggy black chef’s trousers and white T-shirts as they stood smoking at the back of an Italian joint. ‘Any work going around here?’

The men looked at each other and said nothing for a moment as they eyed him.

‘What you do?’ asked one, who was young but whose face still looked ravaged by late nights, hard work, and a punishing regime of alcohol, junk food and nicotine.

‘I can turn my hand to most things,’ Mitch said with a shrug. ‘All the basics.’

‘You speak English – so, you legal?’

Mitch nodded.

The ravaged-looking one ran a hand through his curly hair and turned to his friend. ‘Tony’s looking for someone while Jerry’s in hospital. Whaddya think?’

The other one shrugged. ‘Guess so.’

‘Hey!’ The younger one looked at Mitch with a smile. ‘You know what? You might be in luck. Our pal’s in hospital for a day or two, maybe you could fill in for him. How about you come in and meet the boss? He’ll be here in an hour or so.’

‘Great,’ Mitch said, happiness filling his heart. This is my chance, I know it.

‘Can you do pasta?’

‘Are you kidding?’ Mitch made a face. ‘Never do anything else.’ How hard is it to dunk spaghetti in hot water?

‘Good. I’m Herbie, by the way.’ The young chef held out a hand.

‘Mitch.’ He took the hand and shook it hard.

‘Cool. Good to meet you.’ Herbie grinned. ‘You’ll like it here, I promise.’