9
PREGNANT
“How can we grow and be a part of all they’re doing if we’re not in the mix?” Torian said to Loni and myself as we drove home from the private meetingwith our line sisters that had gone nowhere. “I wanna go back.”
“You driving back?” Loni asked like it was just okay with me if they turned the car around and went back and subjected themselves to torture. “I’ve thought about it. Torian has a point, Malloy.” Loni tried rationalizing with me. “I mean, we wanna be a part of the sorority, but we don’t wanna go through everything it takes to actually be in it. What’s a little shove or a little verbal abuse gon’ do? It’s not gonna hurt me. It’s not gonna break me. But if it’s gonna make them respect me, it’s fine. Come on.”
“You guys take me home now,” I demanded.
“I knew she wouldn’t do it,” Torian said under her breath.
“You guys shouldn’t want to do it either. Bottom line, there is more than one way to do something. If y’all participate,who knows what’ll happen? I’m sure you’ll be in for more than you can handle.”
“Well, Malloy, that’s easy for you to say,” Torian said as she pulled up to my apartment building. “Your mom is the National President. You don’t have to go through everything to get your respect.”
“Please, they treat me just like they treat you guys, and do you see me care?”
Loni said, “Not now, but I can see them coming around to you a lot more easily than they would to us.”
“Well, my mom is not gonna be the National President forever.”
Torian said, “Yeah, but by that time we’d be sorors in an alumnae chapter, graduated, and working on our careersor something. Nobody will care then.”
“Exactly. So you’d rather go through whatever foolishnessthey want you to experience now, when in a few years it won’t even matter? You can’t even see the bigger picture. We’re in this to make a difference to the community. And how can we do that with somebody beating us up? Especiallyfrom girls that don’t even have their letters.”
“I just don’t think it’s going to be like that,” Torian said. “It’s a lot of talk. You saw those girls—everybody looked fine. Nobody’s been abused.”
“Fine! Y’all go back.” I got out of the car, and steam blew from both my ears. When I got to my door, I couldn’t get my key out fast enough. I didn’t know all my neighbors, but this big guy was walking in my direction. It was dark, so I couldn’t see his face. Nervously I dropped my keys. When I picked them up, the body was in my space.
“It’s me, babe, don’t be scared,” Kade said as he put his arms around my waist.
“Oh, my God, I was about to head inside, grab a lamp or something, and knock you over the head. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“I didn’t know how long you’d be with all that sororitystuff. Plus, I sent you a text.”
We headed straight to my bed, and his kisses warmed my soul. I’d actually forgotten I was so upset. Girl drama was stressing me out. Kade was helping me unwind.
Breaking away from his embrace, I said, “You just don’t know how much I needed this.”
“I gotta confess. I need to be with you, too,” he said.
I could feel the desire of how bad he wanted me comingfrom his every word. I sat up in the bed and held him. He hung his head low, and I knew he hadn’t come all this way for sex. He needed a pep talk.
I stroked his head and asked, “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m nervous about this game. I haven’t been a hundredpercent since I got hurt, and more scouts are coming to check me out. There’s talk that I’m losing my step. I don’t know. I mean, maybe I am.”
It almost felt like I was holding my own baby. But I appreciatedhim needing me in a way I’d never seen before. He was so vulnerable, as though whatever I said could make or break his hopes and belief in himself. Knowing our bond was deepening, I said only what a girl wanting to uplift her man could say.
“Honey, you’re the bomb. You gon’ shine in whatever you do. So let the scouts come. They’ll be in for a show.”
He took both his hands and cupped my face, pulling my lips toward his. Everything at that point felt so good.
“I want you, but I just want to snuggle tonight,” he said.
I knew that having Kade sleep over wasn’t God’s plan for my life. I mean, I wasn’t married. Kade didn’t see that coming anytime in the near future. But I knew the way my heart felt for him. So how could I refuse a cuddle?
I was on my way to my second gem ceremony that was to focus on sisterhood. The whole idea of it felt contrived. I actually felt a little sad, though I knew I had made the right decision not to participate in any of the hazing crazinessthat wasn’t supposed to be happening in the first place. I was a loner. And though that was the way it had been most of my teen years, I was pledging a sorority, for goodness sake. Even though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, part of me wanted to belong.
I liked the first gem ceremony we had had a few days before. The focus had been on leadership, and it moved me to want to be the best leader I could be and always work with what I had. I’d had no idea how this first gem ceremony would affect my soul.
The only time I had talked to or seen Loni and Torian the last two weeks had been when we were doing the things with the adviser. A part of me resented that they had pulled back, but like all my other friendships, they eventually ended. I didn’t know why I had thought this time would be any different.
As we lined up to go to the ceremony, I smiled at Loni and Torian, and they looked away. If it was like that, I understood. I’d never make a gesture again.
Tammie came from the front of the line and sashayed her way over to one of the big sisters. After she whisperedsomething to her, Tammie came over to me.
She whispered, “Your girls just wanted me to tell you they love you and they care about you, but they gotta keep it like this so the big sisters won’t get on them. You’re able to talk to me. I’ve been kissing big sisters’ butts for three and a half years. I’m a senior. I know all their dirt, and I helped them all make it through the line. They owe me. I do what I want to do. You were looking a little sad, so I just wanted to tell you—”
“I’m not looking sad. I’m fine,” I said, completely denouncingwhat I knew I was feeling.
The only instructions we’d had before coming here was to fast all day—the cleansing of the soul to get us ready to begin the richness of the gem. There weren’t many alumnaesorors here. Only the main adviser and the Alpha chapter Betas.
The vibe in the room for me not sisterly. I got mean stares from the Betas. And one girl made a fist. Though I had several issues with Hayden, after everything she had gone through with her own line, I would have thought she would have been a by-the-books sort of girl. Now she was condoning an underground line. It was just hard to swallow. But she did have a presence about herself when she read for the ritual.
Putting aside the personal issues, listening to her words, I was mesmerized when Hayden said, “Sisterhood is a bond with your soror that is as deep as a natural birth connection. The common thread that keeps you together is that you share a love for Beta Gamma Pi. Though you may have your differences, or you may not see eye to eye and agree with a soror’s action, you love her at all times because that genuine connection never fails. Sisterhood is an evolving process of growth.”
The adviser stood and continued reading. “When you’re going through hard times, and you don’t know who to turn to, call your sister. When the pain just hurts, and it seems you can’t bounce back, the one to call first is your sister. When you think no one will understand, go and get your sister’s hand and tell your sister. Not only when you want to cry. Go get your sister so she can help you becomenew and fill you with love that will get you back afloat. Your sister is your greatest treasure.”
Big sister Dena, who was under five-two, took a loaf of wheat bread and held it upward. She asked Tammie to take a piece. Then everyone in line after that took a piece of the loaf.
Hayden said, “As you all get nourished from the same grain, now your line is one.”
As moving as all that was, an hour later I was home by myself. I knew they were having more underground stuff going on.
“Hey,” I said to Sirena after I’d gotten her four text messages about asking me to come over to get some of her stew. She’d always make me a pot of this or bring me a plate of that. I knew the girl could throw down, and I guess I just needed the company. But it felt a little weird as she stared me down. Finally I had to ask, “What? What are you looking at?”
Swatting her hand at me, she said, “No, no, you’re just so cute. I just wish I had style like that. That’s all.”
“Oh, girl, please. I wish I could cook like you,” I said as I stuffed myself with her stew.
Then I heard banging outside. It seemed like it was comingfrom my place. Sirena rushed over to her front door and yelled, “She’s not home!”
“Who is that?” I said, perplexed.
Without looking, Sirena said, “Ugh, it’s late. Don’t nobodyneed to be over at your house at this time.”
Going over to the door myself, I said, “Girl, you can’t make that call. I think someone is at my house.”
“But we were eating.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll come back if I can. Dang.” I opened up the door to leave.
“Oh, I—I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be pushy,” Sirena said.
It was almost eerie how clingy she was becoming. But when I turned toward my front door, I was stunned. There stood Loni holding Torian, who was bleeding from her nose.
Knowing the answer already, I asked, “Who did this?” “I left. I can’t take anymore. They hit her. Bad,” Loni said as I opened my door and went inside.
Why they had come to me for help, I didn’t know. But something I wasn’t familiar with kicked in, and I was genuinelyconcerned for my friend. I couldn’t turn them away. Somehow we were going to figure this out. The Betas had lost their minds.
After we got Torian straight, I grabbed the keys out of Loni’s hand. “Let’s go.”
“No, you can’t say anything to them,” Torian said, holding her head in the air.
I didn’t turn around. This had gone too far. Just a little push here, just a little shove there. A few harsh words. Whatever. We’d just stopped blood from profusely streamingfrom her nose. We all got in Loni’s ride, and I took off, thinking I’d find the Betas even if Loni didn’t give me directions.
“The whole two weeks have just been way too much,” Loni confessed. “I wanted to walk away so many times, but I stayed because Torian felt like we should.”
I asked, “Who actually hit you? Was it Sharon?” “Girl, we haven’t even seen Sharon. Somebody said she’s sick,” Loni said in a salty tone.
“It was a couple girls from the University of SoutheasternArkansas and some beast named Keisha.”
“So y’all were with their line?”
Loni said, “Yeah, we’re supposed to be with their line next week, too. Turn right there.”
“Don’t tell her where to go,” Torian said to Loni.
“No, this is crazy. They need to be stopped for real.” We arrived and I got out of the car and went inside, Torianand Loni right behind me.
The room was scorching hot, and it wasn’t summertime. It was funky in there as well. All the Betas were hovering over the pledges like they were about to beat them down.
I saw Dena and another girl named Audria. Forget big sisters and all that protocol junk, because they didn’t have my respect and I wasn’t going to pretend like it was there. I boldy said, “Where’s Hayden?”
“She’s not here,” Dena said, rolling her eyes. I wanted to smash her for allowing my girl to get beat.
Taking a deep breath, I asked, “Does she know what y’all just did?”
Then this bigger, very mean-looking, unkept soror came over. “Oh, that’s that paper girl y’all were talking about?”
Dena whispered to her, “Keisha, be cool.”
“Yeah, I’m the one whose mom is the National President,so let me just say y’all keep hittin’ people, and I’m gonna rat on this line. Nobody will cross.”
Nobody was moving, and they looked like they thought I was bluffing. I pulled out my cell phone and started dialingmy mom.
“Okay, y’all get away. Get out of here. She could call the adviser on us.”
When the line dispersed, Tammie came over to me and said, “She wasn’t supposed to get hit. Torian just said a few things out of line.”
Torian said, “I told them not to hit anybody else. Look at the girl who stands two people in front of you. She has a black eye.”
Sally was her name. When the big sisters piled out, Sally came over to me. Actually, all the hazed sisters huddled around me. I just knew they were going to go off on me for threatening to expose them. But I appreciated their surprising response when Sally cupped Torian’s face and said, “Thanks for caring more about yourself. They are taking this thing too far.”
“Why don’t you just walk away?” I asked her.
“I guess I’m not strong enough. I wish I had some of your spirit.”
“Well, go. Everybody, go home. Don’t fool with them anymore tonight. We’ll figure this whole thing out.”
As though the night couldn’t get any crazier, I was finallyhome resting when Kade called. “I’m at your front door. Let me in, please. I don’t want that crazy neighbor of yours calling the cops.”
“She’s not that bad. You okay?”
“I need to talk to you. Please. I gotta get back to school.”
“All right, all right. I’ll be right there.” When I let him in, his eyes looked swollen. “You been crying or something? It’s not your leg. Did you get hurt again at practice?” I was getting all beside myself with worry because he wouldn’t open up and talk to me. He had driven all the way to chat, but he wasn’t saying anything. What was going on? “You wanna break up or something?”
“Why would you say that?”
“You’re all distant and everything, I mean, what else am I supposed to suspect?”
“It’s Sharon, okay?”
“You wanna get back with Sharon?”
“No. Just listen for a second. Please, Malloy.”
“Well, talk to me, Kade. You come over here, and you’re all worked up, and you think I’m not gonna be upset, when I clearly see you’re distraught. What is going on with Sharon?”
“You must not have seen her lately.”
“No, I told you I don’t participate in all that undergroundstuff. Plus, word is she’s sick. She hasn’t been around in a while.”
Putting his head against the wall, he mumbled, “She’s sick, all right. She’s ruining my life, that’s what she’s doing.”
I touched his back. “How can she threaten you? What’s going on?”
Kade turned to me with the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. “Malloy, I’m sorry, but Sharon’s five months pregnant.”