It’s been a wild ten years since the publication of my first memoir, Confessions of a Video Vixen, but it probably wasn’t the sort of wild ride you imagined. Maybe you thought there would be lots of men and sex, drugs, and random regrets in this book. Maybe you thought there’d be tabloid-worthy romps and gross sexual misjudgments, or baskets of other people’s dirty laundry. Maybe you expected the words in this book to be less important.
But I couldn’t write about things that didn’t happen.
With anyone’s life, there is always speculation from outsiders and rumors swirling around, others trying to imagine what they think your life is like. But the outsiders are always wrong. Sometimes we can project a perfect picture of strength and resilience, never leading on that we are broken and closing in on our deaths.
We all have a persona.
People who don’t know us, who only see us at work, follow us on social media, or hear of us through conversations with other people who don’t know us, gather bits and pieces of information, whether true or false, and use that information to make their minds up about us.
They condemn.
Sometimes that condemnation even comes from those we know and love, who we thought knew and loved us.
All of us want to believe we are different and that is exactly what makes us all the same. Some people believe they are better than others and it is that belief that makes them worse. I am not alone and as I gathered my thoughts to write this book, I struggled with its angle, I struggled with its format, but I did not struggle with its truths. You needed to know this. Those of you who have never been struck, never been choked, never been spit upon and called names you couldn’t repeat, you needed to know that this exists and no one is immune. You needed to know what it does to a person. And those of you who have been abused, you needed to know that you are not alone, and in a split second, you can change your life by changing your mind. You all needed to know that one bad decision could ruin your life, for years or forever.
You needed to know it happened to me.
You needed to know you, too, can make it through.
The journey to regain my emotional, financial, and physical footing was a tough one. There were a slew of lessons along the way, all of which I have heeded and all of which I remind myself of daily. I no longer desire to make things look good or acceptable to others. I no longer believe I can buy happiness, and I put more stock in the love of God, my son, and those closest to me than in anything else. I live my life peacefully, surrounded by loved ones with good intentions, quickly discarding anyone who tries to abuse my friendship, my love, or me.
I have been made better, stronger, and more aware.
As for the Vixen, she never existed, and what remains after the chewing up and spitting out of my past persona is this—I am a woman, faulty and flawed, but a woman nonetheless. I deserve better than I have accepted in the past and I deserve all that’s amazing in my future.
Thank you for spending the past ten years with me.
Thank you for waiting for me to step into my true light and purpose.
Thank you for accompanying me all the way to the beginning.