CHAPTER 12

SUSAN’S GAMBLE

Susan paced the floor, her stomach in knots. She kept glancing nervously at the heavy door where the jail matron in her dark skirt and blouse had disappeared—the door that led to the cells. Any minute now the matron would return with someone using the name of Lillian Murphy, either Mum or a stranger who’d gotten lucky and been bailed out by two kids playing a hunch.

Finally Susan heard two sets of footsteps coming down the hall, one heavy, one light. Susan sucked in her breath, tried to prepare herself for anything, as the footsteps came closer. Then the door opened, and she saw Mum—her face strained and haggard—but Mum just the same.

Susan fell into her mother’s arms.

After so many days of tension and worry, it seemed too good to be true now to be walking through her own front door arm in arm with Mum.

Susan tried to stamp every detail of the moment into her mind, to convince herself that it was real. The way the sunlight streamed through the uncurtained top of the window and played against the kitchen wall. The faint odor of ammonia that always lingered in the kitchen. The apron hanging on the stove, and the old gray mop leaning in the corner. Best of all, Mum, at home again.

Mum was bruised and sore from being beaten at the rally. Russell helped Susan get Mum settled in the girls’ bedroom. Then he went back to his flat to get Helen and Lucy.

Susan sat beside Mum on the bed and stroked her hair, like Mum always did when one of the girls was sick.

Mum smiled weakly. “Susie, my big girl.” She clasped her fingers over Susan’s hand. “I’m sorry to be such a troublemaker. I didn’t intend to be. I had the idea I was getting into suffrage to help you girls. I didn’t want to see you weighed down with the same kinds of problems I had.”

Mum said she hadn’t wanted to support suffrage openly for fear of what her boss or Lester Barrow would do. “I told Bea flat out I couldn’t march in parades or do anything where I might be seen by someone who knew me, but I wanted to help. I was doing a lot of little things, hoping they might add up to something that would make a difference. I did some typewriting, sent out mailings. Sometimes I’d go to neighborhoods where no one knew me and take around petitions for people to sign. Even that scared me, though. I was terrified that Lester or Mr. Riley would find out and we’d find ourselves on the street. And when Lester came by my office and demanded the back rent, I was sure he suspected something. I told Bea I’d have to quit the suffrage work.

“Well, Bea wouldn’t hear of it. She insisted on using her own money to pay Lester. She said it was worth it if I felt a little more secure. And I did—until Kathleen was fired.”

For a minute Mum closed her eyes, and Susan saw the gray shadows on her face. “That was like a rug pulled out from under me. I felt like a fool for thinking there could ever be security in this world for a poor widow with children to feed. I told Bea I was through with suffrage.”

That was the argument Susan had heard. The argument that had started her worrying about Bea’s secret.

Mum pushed herself up to a sitting position and continued. “I thought that was the end of it, but a few days later Bea came to me and said perhaps I wouldn’t have to work for Mr. Riley anymore. The suffrage organization might have a job for me. They needed someone like me to organize working-class neighborhoods for suffrage, and they’d pay decent wages for the work.

“Bea said that a good friend of hers—a leader in the suffrage movement—was coming to town to speak at the rally on Saturday. Bea set up an interview for me with her friend and another suffrage leader on Saturday morning. By the end of the meeting, everything was arranged for me to take the job. I went off to the rally with such excitement. It seemed that I might really have some security at last.” Mum’s eyes brightened as she spoke, and Susan saw a spark of the old, unworried Mum, the before-Dad-died Mum. Susan thought wistfully how nice it would be to see that look on Mum’s face more often.

Mum’s eyes clouded as she went on with her story. “Of course, getting the interview with Bea’s friend depended on my being off work on Saturday. Telling Mr. Riley the truth was out of the question after what happened to Kathleen, so I made up the story about visiting Aunt Blanche, who I said was near death. I figured I’d better tell you girls the same story lest you come by the office looking for me. I hated to lie to you, but I thought it was safer for us all—”

“Why didn’t you at least tell me where you were going?” Susan said. “I would have kept your secret.”

“I couldn’t have burdened you with that. Suppose Lester Barrow had come by while you girls were there alone—”

Just then, the front door slammed, and Helen and Lucy pounded into the hall, shouting for Mum. They were on Mum in a minute, hugging and kissing her. Lucy settled into Mum’s lap and Helen snuggled up against Mum.

“Oh, I missed my girls,” Mum said, smiling and hugging them close.

Susan was the first to see Bea, still wearing her brimless hat, appear in the doorway. Bea had an astonished look on her face. “Rose! You’re … home.” Her voice was trembling. “But how did you get here?”

The smile vanished from Mum’s face. “Bea, didn’t you know Susan had come to get me?”

Bea took a few hesitant steps into the room. “I didn’t even know where you were, Rose. I had assumed you were in jail. I even wired my grandfather for money—I’d figured to bail you out, and I thought you might need to see a doctor, and I knew the rent was due, and—” Her chest heaved as though she was choking back a sob. “But my grandfather refused me the money. And when I went to the jail, they told me you weren’t there. You can’t imagine how frantic I was. I spent hours telephoning and running about the city, checking police stations and hospitals. Then I went down to suffrage headquarters, praying the leadership could help me find you.”

Susan was breathing hard and fast. She had barely heard the rest of what Bea had said because she was stuck on the very first sentence. Bea had been telling her the truth this morning!

Mum was sitting on the edge of the bed now, looking sheepish. “Oh, I was foolish, wasn’t I? Making up a name to give the officers? All I was thinking about was Mr. Riley or Lester reading my name in the newspaper.” Her expression changed to bewilderment, and she turned to look at Susan. “But Susie, if Bea didn’t know where I was, then how did you know?”

Susan willed her voice to be steady. “I followed Bea to her suffrage headquarters and heard her telling her friends you’d been arrested. I—” she glanced at Bea—“left … before … before I heard the rest of what Bea said. Then Russell and I went to the jail and figured out about your name.”

“What on earth possessed you to follow Bea?” Mum asked.

“Yes,” Bea added, “I’ve been wondering that myself.”

“You shouldn’t have wondered, Bea!” Susan cried. “Did you think we were just dumb little kids, swallowing all those lies you were telling us?”

Then Susan couldn’t talk fast enough. Bea and Mum listened without comment as Susan spilled out her story. She told them everything that had happened, all the way from her job at the barbershop to the girls’ visit with Mrs. Flynn. When she finished, both Bea and Mum looked stunned.

Bea spoke first. “Susan, I don’t know what to say. Except that I’m sorry. I thought I was sparing you from worry.”

Bea took a small step toward Susan, then stopped. Susan could feel Mum’s eyes on her as well. Susan supposed they were waiting for her to say something, but she didn’t—couldn’t.

“Try to understand, Susan,” Bea pleaded. “I was sick from worrying over your mother myself, and wanting so to shelter you girls—” Her voice broke, and she looked down.

Suddenly Susan remembered feeling just that way with Helen. This morning, on the landing. And earlier, at D’Attilio’s Bakery, after Lester’s threat. Both times, hadn’t Susan been less than truthful with Helen, trying to shelter her from fear? But those were little lies, Susan told herself. Not like Bea’s.

Bea had regained her composure. “I see now that I’d have frightened you less if I’d simply told you the truth. Why, Susan, you could even have helped solve the dilemma.” Susan thought she heard pride in Bea’s voice, and that made her heart ache, though she wasn’t sure why.

“But I didn’t.” Bea sighed deeply. “I’m ignorant, not used to family matters, I’m afraid.” She looked at Susan again and added softly, “I handled things badly, and I’m sorry. That’s all I can say.”

“And you needn’t say anything else.” Mum rose and put her hands on Bea’s arms. “Part of being a family is understanding when we make mistakes. You did your best at the time.” Mum’s gaze swept to Helen and Lucy, then to Susan.

Helen and Lucy chorused their agreement. Lucy bounced across the bed and threw her arms around Bea’s waist. Helen hugged Bea’s neck.

Susan, gripped by a fierce burning in her chest, could only stand back and watch. She couldn’t bring herself to enter in. Everyone else was so ready to forgive Bea, but Susan couldn’t; she just couldn’t. She felt like an outsider, and she turned toward the door.

“Susan,” Mum called after her. “Where are you going?” There was concern on her face.

Susan looked back, and Bea’s eyes caught hers. “Let me talk to her, Rose,” said Bea.

Mum nodded. “We’ll be right here.”

Susan followed Bea into the other bedroom. Bea seated herself on the bed. She took off her hat and placed it next to her, then patted the bed on the other side of her. “Come sit, love.”

Something inside of Susan wouldn’t let her move toward Bea. She stood silently.

After a long moment, Bea’s mouth trembled; then she closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose. When she opened her eyes, Susan noticed how bloodshot they were. “It was different between us, wasn’t it, Susan? Different than it was with your mum or your sisters. We had a special friendship, you and I.”

Yes! Susan’s heart cried out. But all she could do was nod and swallow painfully.

Bea seemed to struggle for what she would say next. Finally she said, “I know you trusted me, Susan, and I failed you. I wish I could undo it. I wish I didn’t have to see the hurt and disappointment in your eyes.” She paused. “I felt that way about someone once. When I was about your age.

“You asked me before how I felt about my grandfather. You know I’d lived with him from the time my mother died, when I was quite small. I was so proud of that man, Susan. I wanted to be exactly like him. I told him so one day, when I was your age. Simply blurted it out at the dinner table. We didn’t eat, you understand; we dined. Butlers and serving maids to wait on us. We had a huge mahogany table. I sat at one end and he at the other. And I wasn’t allowed to speak unless he spoke to me first. Which he seldom did.

“I don’t know why I broke the rule. I can’t recall. For some reason, though, I blurted out there at the table that I wanted to be a member of Parliament someday, like him. I still remember the scowl that came over his face, and his voice, cold as ice, telling me, ‘Females do not vote. Therefore they cannot serve in Parliament. Nor will they ever do so, as long as I have anything to do with it.’ Then he went back to eating, without so much as a glance at me.

“I simply sat there at that big, long table, crying inside, but not daring to let him know how he’d hurt me. I never quite forgave him for that.”

“Was that the argument you had with him?”

“Oh, no, that came much later. When I first became involved with the suffrage movement. My grandfather insisted I give it up, or he would cut me off financially. Of course I wouldn’t, so he did. All I had after that was the money my mother left me, which I learned to live on quite comfortably.”

Bea seemed absorbed for a moment in fingering the flowers on her hat. “What I’m trying to say, I suppose, is that you have to look to yourself, no one else, to make your dreams happen. That’s really all we’re fighting for with suffrage. The right of every human being to rely on him or herself.”

Susan’s skin tingled. Alice Paul’s words again.

Susan ached to tell Bea how those words had helped her. She felt shy toward Bea, though, as if all the pain Bea caused her had raised a wall between them. She tried, haltingly, to put into words at least some of what was in her heart. “Bea? Your friend Alice Paul? If you see her again or write her, would you tell her I really liked her speech and what she said … what you just said … about relying on yourself. It’s what got me through these last few days. It helped me … a lot. I’d just like her to know that.”

Bea’s eyes were shining. “That will mean quite a lot to Alice, Susan.” Susan had the feeling it meant even more to Bea.

Bea rose, went to the dresser, slid open the heavy bottom drawer, then bent down and reached behind it. Susan’s heart jumped. She knew Bea was retrieving the Trafalgar Square photograph. Bea turned back to Susan with the framed photograph clutched to her chest. “No secrets between us anymore, Susan.” She looked at Susan earnestly. “I want you to have the photograph. Alice gave it to me, as a memento of the time we’d served together in Holloway Prison for our suffrage activities.

“Alice is a fighter, Susan, very determined, and she’ll get what she wants in the end. We will get the vote, you’ll see, and it’ll be largely because of her. She’s a good friend, whom I very much admire. I hope you’ll remember what she stands for, and I hope someday you’ll again think of me as a friend.” She held the photograph out to Susan.

Into Susan’s mind flooded all the many kindnesses Bea had performed since she came to live with them. Then Susan remembered what Bea had said to her that night on the roof when she was missing Dad so badly.

The best we can do with pain is to make something good come out of it.

Susan looked at Bea, still holding the framed photograph out to her. It would be a good thing, wouldn’t it, to have a friend like Bea?

Susan smiled and reached out to take the photograph from Bea’s hand.

“Are we friends, then?” Bea asked.

“Special friends.” Whatever had been holding Susan back suddenly released her. She rushed forward into Bea’s open arms.