Good Karma

BANISHING SELF-CENTEREDNESS

I harbor all my self-centered desires deep within

And blame others for all my disputes for no reason.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

ALTHOUGH WE CREATE an air of confidence and the appearance of being successful and in control, we harbor all our self-centered desires deep within. Our attachment and anger are well nourished and protected beneath the veneer of being calm and knowledgeable. We may have difficulty with desire but don’t want to admit it in front of others, especially when we want to make a good impression on them. Sometimes it’s even difficult to admit to ourselves—“Every moment of my life, my focus is on what benefits me”—even though it’s the truth.

While we tell newcomers to the Dharma that our mind is the creator of our experiences, we strongly maintain that our personal enemies exist objectively. But just a little examination reveals the opposite: When people don’t do what I want them to do, they are mean, ignorant, and worthy of scorn. On the other hand, when they do what I want them to do, they are wise, kind, and talented. We create friends and enemies by judging how people relate to me, the center of the universe!

Sometimes we project our faults onto others and then blame them for being so selfish. Other times, we get angry with them and accuse them of misdeeds as a way to release our inner tension. The other person often does not understand why we are angry, and we don’t bother to explain. We just expect them to apologize and ask our forgiveness.

At the time we die, do we want to be thinking about this or that dispute? As we’re taking our last breaths, will it matter who was right? We’ll have long forgotten the argument, and winning it will be meaningless to us at the time of death. But the destructive karma we created through attachment and anger will remain on our minds. It will influence how we die and what our future rebirth will be. It obscures our mind, impeding us from realizing the nature of reality. Seeing this, while we’re healthy and can still practice, let’s call on the mind of wisdom and compassion manifesting as Yamantaka to dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception! Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

Though clad in saffron robes, I seek protection from ghosts.

Though I have taken precepts, my conduct is that of a demon.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

Those clad in saffron robes are the monastics—the fully ordained ones (bhiksu, bhiksuṇi), trainees (sikṣamaṇa), and novices (sramanera, sramanerika). Having taken refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, we devote our lives to Dharma study and practice. However, instead of relying on these Three Jewels, we seek protection from ghosts. The buddhas are completely free from all defilements and have developed all good qualities limitlessly. Their sole purpose is to lead us out of duhkha and to full awakening, and they have the wisdom, compassion, and power to do this. The Dharma is twofold: the realizations of the path—especially the wisdom directly realizing emptiness—and the true cessations they bring about. The sangha consists of those who have realized emptiness directly. The Three Jewels are definitely reliable guides, so ignoring their guidance and following the advice of spirits and ghosts, who are stuck in cyclic existence just like us, is counterproductive and foolish.

When the Buddha and our spiritual mentors caution us about engaging in harmful actions because they lead to sickness and other suffering results, we nod our head but don’t take the advice seriously. Similarly, when the Buddha advises us to do purification practices to stop the ripening of karma, we say, “Yeah, yeah,” and promptly forget. But when a fortune-teller tells us that we’ll get sick this year and we better do some strong purification, we jump up and are eager to follow those instructions. This is because our refuge in the Three Jewels is not sincere, and we value the advice of spirits and fortune-tellers more than the advice of the omniscient ones.

Along the same line, although we have taken precepts—the five lay precepts or one of the monastic ordinations—we don’t take these commitments seriously and act opposite to them, making our conduct like that of a demon. For example, we take a precept not to take intoxicants, but when we are with family or old friends who are drinking, we rationalize, “If I don’t drink, they’ll think I’m puritanical and will think badly of Buddhism. They’ll feel so much more relaxed if I drink. So I’ll drink with compassion for them, so they won’t think badly about Buddhism.”

It’s important to remember that we take precepts and commitments voluntarily. No one forces us to do so. Also, we take them because we have thought carefully about our behavior and about the law of karma and its effects and understood with wisdom and clarity that we want to avoid certain actions because they bring suffering to ourselves and others. To then ignore our own wisdom and compromise our word by acting inappropriately is self-sabotaging.

Many of the prisoners I work with tell me that when they were young, they got carried away with attachment or anger and never considered the effects of their actions. They only thought about what felt good in that moment. Being in prison has made them reflect on the circumstances that led up to their crime, and they have realized they have to change; otherwise, their resentment, greed, or jealousy will continue to ruin their lives now and in the future. Seeing those drawbacks of following their afflictions, they develop a strong determination to cultivate compassion and to not follow every impulse that arises in their minds.

Though the [Buddhist] deities bestow happiness on me, I propitiate malevolent spirits.

Though the Dharma guides me, I deceive the Three Jewels.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

The Buddhist deities are buddhas and bodhisattvas such as Chenrezig, Tara, Manjushri, Yamantaka, and so on. Although they are a reliable refuge that will not lead us astray, we turn our backs on them, and instead of meditating on them, we propitiate malevolent spirits. Although the Dharma guides us and all happiness comes from implementing the Dharma teachings in our lives, we deceive the Three Jewels by ignoring their advice, not revealing our negativities, and lying to our spiritual mentors. Although we may appear clever, we are only deceiving ourselves. Self-grasping and self-centeredness are making us cut our life-line to happiness and peace.

Propitiating malevolent spirits could mean following the eight worldly concerns: trying to make a quick buck, cheating on our partner, feeding our addiction to video games and texting, and spending our time creating alternate personalities in online games. It could also mean taking refuge in evil spirits and making offerings to them in order to attain our worldly aims.

Instead of having the short-term view that seeks only my happiness now and giving in to these harmful habits, we need to cultivate a long-term view seeking the peace and joy of full awakening for all living beings. This happiness goes beyond sensual pleasures and is derived through purifying our minds and accessing our buddha-nature.

Given that the Three Jewels are our real refuge, you might wonder why the Central Tibetan Administration, the Tibetan government-in-exile, seeks the advice of the Nechung oracle. In the Tibetan view, the universe is populated not only by human beings and animals, but also by spirits, demons, and celestial beings who play an active role in influencing human affairs. In this regard, Nechung plays a unique role in Tibetan culture and has a long history. When Buddhism first arrived in Tibet, there were many hindrances from spirits. The Tibetans requested Padmasambhava, a great Indian yogi, to come to Tibet to subdue these demons. Padmasambhava not only subdued the spirits, but made them promise to protect the Dharma. One group of five spirits or deities, collectively known as “Nechung,” made a promise to support the Dharma in Tibet and protect practitioners. As time went on, Nechung became a protector of the Tibetan government and of His Holiness the Dalai Lama. The Tibetan government and some monasteries consult Nechung on important worldly issues, and Nechung gives them practical advice. They do not take refuge in Nechung to the exclusion of the Three Jewels.

In all these verses, Dharmarakshita publicly exposes our faults. He does this not to pick on us, embarrass us, or make us defensive and miserable. He does this so we can become convinced of the defects of ignorance and self-centeredness and work to eliminate them from our mindstream. His is a kind of “tough love,” a form of compassion used to help us change.

Though always living in solitude, I am swept away by distractions.

Though receiving sublime Dharma scriptures, I cherish divination and shamanism.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

We may live in solitude—here meaning either in a monastery or in a retreat situation—a place which is ideal for study and practice, but we get distracted by other activities. We are swept away by distractions and run around keeping ourselves extremely busy. For instance, we may spend a lot of time creating the perfect situation for meditation, building a retreat cabin with everything we could ever need. But then we get distracted by getting involved in the affairs of our friends and relatives and never enter retreat.

For this reason, people whose self-discipline is weak are encouraged to do group retreat, where there is a shared daily schedule and common discipline that everybody follows. The support of the group helps us stay on course. Everyone relies on everyone else to be there for all the meditation sessions, and each of us makes sure we attend for the sake of the others. If someone is missing, the group will check and see what’s happening, giving aid if the person is ill or offering support if he or she is having a hard time. Building community in this way is very helpful to us on an emotional level, as well as an aid to our practice.

Although we hear teachings from sublime Dharma scriptures in a direct lineage from the Buddha, instead of cherishing this rare fortune, we spend our time and energy on divination and shamanism. Divinations and shamanistic practices were in Tibet before Buddhism came, and they remain popular. While some people find them helpful, and doing these practices doesn’t interfere with their refuge in the Three Jewels, other people get very distracted by them to the extent that their refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha is adversely affected.

Most divinations, horoscopes, and pujas to stop spirit interferences have been influenced by Buddhist beliefs and Buddhist culture. Many lay people request monastics to do these services; while they bring income to the monasteries, they can become a distraction to serious study and practice. In one country where I’ve gone several times to teach basic Buddhist topics, people tell me that among the Tibetan practitioners who visit there I’m the only one who does not do a lot of rituals. All the others do elaborate pujas and empowerments, complete with bells, drums, trumpets, deep chanting, big hats, and blessed water. The lay people who make large donations when they request these rituals feel that they are receiving a huge blessing. It seems that the more elaborate the ritual and the less they understand what is happening in it, the greater the blessing they feel they receive.

The Western version of getting distracted by divination and shamanism is becoming fascinated with New Age philosophies, crystals, astrology, tarot cards, and opening our third eye. Alternatively, some people become mesmerized by playing the stock market or trading currencies. We may talk about Dharma, future lives, liberation, and full awakening, but we live according to what will immediately benefit our present lives. Actually looking at our own minds and changing them is much more arduous than going to a psychic or tarot reader or following the latest fad that will supposedly cure our dissatisfaction. Staying focused on the path to awakening takes great effort and concentration. If attaining buddhahood were easy, all of us surely would have become enlightened by now. Therefore, let’s develop faith based on reasoning and through wisdom remain focused on the path.

Forsaking ethical discipline, the path to liberation, I cling to my household.

Casting my happiness into the river, I chase after misery.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

For a lay practitioner, clinging to your household refers to being overly attached to your possessions, family, social status, and so on in a way that makes you forsake ethical discipline and get involved in unwholesome actions. For example, due to being attached to family and friends and wanting to enjoy certain experiences with them, people may act in ways opposite to precepts or engage in the ten unwholesome paths of action in order to obtain what will make their family happy.

There is great benefit to taking and keeping precepts, be they the five lay precepts or monastic precepts. When we take precepts, we establish a strong intention of how we want to behave, and when we act that way, living in accord with our precepts, we create great merit or constructive karma that will bear good results. Each moment we are not breaking a precept, we are accumulating the good karma of intentionally abandoning certain actions. For example, two people are having a conversation, and one has the precept not to kill while the other does not. Neither one of them is killing at the moment, but the person with the precept creates the good karma of abandoning killing, while the person who hasn’t taken that precept does not. Furthermore, keeping precepts interferes with the karmic tendency to do the same destructive actions repeatedly.

The five lay precepts and monastic precepts regulate physical and verbal actions, so keeping them helps us become more mindful and aware of what we say and do. Mindfulness remembers our precepts and how we want to act and speak; introspective awareness monitors our body and speech to make sure we are doing that. This, in turn, makes us more mindful and aware of what we are thinking and feeling, because our mind must form an intention before we speak or act. This mindfulness and introspective awareness developed by living in ethical conduct help us develop the mindfulness and introspective awareness that are crucial to cultivating concentration. Stable concentration improves our meditation and enables our wisdom to grow to the point where it can penetrate the nature of reality. Thus our practice of the three higher trainings—the path leading to liberation from cyclic existence—proceeds well.

Monastics have many more precepts, so they are able to create more good karma and purify their negativities more strongly. Monastic life also removes a lot of distractions and provides external circumstances that are conducive for Dharma practice. Without a spouse and children to support, monastics don’t need to work a job, worry about mortgage payments, or be concerned about their children’s education and behavior.

When somebody disrobes because they want to have an intimate emotional and sexual relationship, children, wealth, and a comfortable life, it is said that, casting their happiness into the river, they chase after misery. Why does Dharmarakshita see a lay life as one of misery? People get married expecting to remain happily married, but for many people that is not what happens. Couples quarrel; they break up; they get hurt and hurt others. Even for those who have good relationships, inevitably one of them dies. Loved ones cannot stay together forever.

People also believe that children will bring them happiness. When the children are infants, parents are sleep deprived because they must get up in the middle of the night to feed them. Toddlers demand, “I want this! I want that!” When they become teenagers, they prefer video games to talking to their parents. They want the car keys but don’t want to be told what time to be home.

You have to work hard to get money, but it goes quickly, and credit card debt follows. During the day, you face problems at work. You want to practice Dharma, but your day is full of activities, and when you get home in the evening, you’re exhausted.

This verse also comments on situations where monastics live and act like laypeople. Some Western monastics do not have money or a place to live because there are very few monasteries in Western countries, so they must go to work to cover their rent and food. This situation is stressful for someone who ordained with the wish to delve deeply into the Dharma. In Asia, where monastics have monasteries and good circumstances to practice, sometimes their minds seek desirable objects, and they prefer to go to the city and do business. Instead of staying in a monastery, they choose to live on their own, and more often than not, their ethical conduct declines. Confusion, anger, and attachment proliferate in their minds as they create more and more causes for misery. Dharmarakshita warns us against the temptation to do this.

Forsaking the gateway to liberation, I wander in wilderness.

Though obtaining a precious human life, I seek the hell realms.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

This verse is similar to the previous one. Wilderness refers to places that lack Dharma teachers, teachings, and a supportive Dharma community. We may have a good situation for dharma practice at the moment, but attachment pops into our mind, and we begin seeking fun or adventure, relinquishing conducive circumstances to purify our mind, accumulate merit, and plant the seeds of the realization of the stages of the path to awakening in our minds. Perhaps we are bored and want some excitement; perhaps we feel our practice isn’t getting anywhere, and we’d like to do something thrilling. Maybe we have doubt about the practice and path. In any case, we choose the excitement of cyclic existence over going through the difficulties of subduing our afflictions in order to attain the peace of liberation. Of course, we don’t describe it that way to ourselves. We use other words so that our bad choices appear to be wise.

Whoever we were in previous lives accumulated a huge amount of merit that resulted in our obtaining a precious human life, but getting distracted we use our lives to create the causes that ripen in hellish rebirths. Our worldly affairs keep us so busy that we lack time to do purification practice, check our motivation, or even making offerings to the Three Jewels. Although we still hold the wish to get back to our Dharma practice, we get immersed in office politics, make deductions on our income tax that aren’t quite legal, and flirt with others’ spouses.

The meditation on precious human life comes at the beginning of the stages of the path so that we will appreciate our opportunity and use it wisely. Understanding the meaning of being trapped in cyclic existence boosts our meditation on precious human life, for we understand how difficult it is to have our present conducive circumstances, and we see that it is all too easy to let this life go by without making an effort to progress on the path. However, after we have done the meditation on precious human life a lot, we come to treasure the opportunities our present life offers and don’t want to waste our time on the eight worldly concerns. Instead, we want to dedicate our lives to purifying and transforming our minds, cultivating the heart of loving compassion, and investigating the ultimate nature of reality. By resetting our life’s priorities in this way and following through, we will have a good rebirth that can act as the basis for continuing to practice the Dharma. By creating the causes for a series of fortunate rebirths, we will be able to generate bodhicitta and the wisdom realizing emptiness and eventually attain full awakening.

Some people become very self-critical after they recognize their tendencies to spend time immersed in the eight worldly concerns. Other people criticize people whom they deem “insincere in the spiritual path.” Judging ourselves or others simply creates more negativity. The path isn’t about being better than others. The Buddha certainly didn’t teach the Dharma so that we would use it to make ourselves feel inadequate or to scorn others. Instead, let’s cultivate compassion for ourselves and others, and criticize the self-centered thought that deprives us of the opportunity for awakening. Noticing our own mistakes, we regret them but do not feel guilty or get stuck in self-loathing. Instead, we make a strong determination to set wise priorities in the future and to live according to our values.

Putting aside spiritual developments, I pursue the profits of trade.

Leaving my teacher’s classroom behind, I roam through towns and places.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

Imagine somebody who has the opportunity to study the Dharma with excellent spiritual mentors and to do meditation retreats but would much rather engage in business and make money. It takes so much constructive karma to meet a fully qualified Mahayana and Vajrayana spiritual mentor. This person has met such a mentor but doesn’t take advantage of this rare opportunity because he is enticed by the prospect of worldly wealth and the pleasure, status, and power it brings. He cheats, lies, and backbites to get money, and then, drowning in conceit, he becomes miserly and doesn’t share it. He doesn’t realize that worldly wealth is transient; we aren’t sure to have it our entire life, and even if we do, at the time of death we’ll definitely have to separate from it. Everything we worked so hard to obtain stays here while our mindstream continues on to the next life, taking with it the imprints of the actions we did to procure and protect this wealth.

Leaving our teacher, we travel the world, looking for riches, adventure, or love. When I ordained in 1977 at age twenty-six, I regarded with envy the young Himalayan and Tibetan boys who were monks. While I had spent my first twenty-four years creating destructive karma almost nonstop, they had met the Dharma as children, ordained, and were able to memorize texts, attend religious ceremonies, and listen to teachings. Ten years later, these young boys had become teenagers and young adults. Enamored with the glitter of consumer products, many of them had disrobed in order to sell sweaters in Mumbai. “How could they do this?” I wondered. They had so many good conditions that I lacked—they spoke Tibetan and could read the Dharma texts; they could talk directly to the respected teachers; they didn’t have visa problems; and they had a monastery to live in. How could they give up the Dharma in order to get the consumer items that I had given up to go live in India and Nepal? Why would they jump at the opportunity to wash dishes in a New York restaurant, leaving their spiritual mentors and Dharma opportunities to do so? It has to do with previously created karma, as well as their present way of thinking. Dharmarakshita points out that the false conception of an inherently existent self and self-centered thought are the chief culprits.

Forsaking my own livelihood, I rob others of their resources.

Squandering my own inherited wealth, I plunder from others.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

Instead of working and being responsible for maintaining ourselves, we forsake our own livelihood and live by deceiving and conning others. Robbing others of their resources does not necessarily mean we break into someone’s home and rob them at gunpoint. It can also mean we cunningly manipulate people to give us things. On top of that, we hoard what we have and leech from others, asking for more.

Alternatively, our relatives or friends sacrificed and worked hard to earn a living. With love and wanting us to be secure, they bequeathed us their wealth when they died. But unappreciative and reckless, we squander the inheritance so that at the end we live by plundering from others. One prisoner I corresponded with told me he spent seventy-three thousand dollars of an inheritance in a year while he was incarcerated, frittering it away on snacks at the commissary and buying illegal drugs inside the prison. I am blunt with inmates and censured him for not respecting the love his family had for him. It is important to use an inheritance wisely and to create merit by making offerings to the Three Jewels and donations to charities. We then dedicate this merit for the deceased person and pray for him or her to have a fortunate rebirth, to meet the Dharma, and to have all the conducive conditions to practice it.

Robbing others of their resources and plundering from others also includes depriving the sangha of offerings. For example, when somebody wants to make an offering to the monastic community, you say, “They won’t use it. Give it to me instead.” We monastics create a transgression if a benefactor has the intention to give an offering for a particular purpose and we use it for another, or if the benefactor makes the offering to the community and we either take it for ourselves or give it to our friend.

We have to be very careful with things offered to and owned by the sangha, as it is difficult to purify stealing from the monastic community. This applies to monastics as well as lay people. The person keeping the accounts for a monastery must be meticulous and above board about income and expenditures. Caring for Sangha property or finances is a big responsibility, because these people are striving for awakening. If we misuse their property, we interfere with their ability to progress on the path and thus impede all other sentient beings from receiving the benefit of their subduing their minds and enriching their excellent qualities.

Alas, though my endurance for meditation is poor, I have sharp clairvoyance.

Though I have not even reached the edge of the path, my legs are needlessly fast.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

It’s rather absurd to think that when our endurance for meditation is poor, we will have sharp clairvoyance, because unless it is a case of having supernormal powers due to past karma, such abilities depend on single-pointed concentration. Nevertheless, some people arrogantly claim such abilities, and others mistakenly believe they have powers they do not have. The vinaya—the texts on monastic discipline—contains specific instructions in this regard. Even if someone has supernormal powers, that person is not permitted to announce this to others. If someone does not have such powers, yet deceptively claims to, he or she transgresses a root precept and no longer is a monastic.

On the Buddhist path, clairvoyance and other special powers are considered secondary attainments. They are not the purpose of the path. Single-pointed concentration is instrumental in cultivating the core of the path—bodhicitta and wisdom—for without the ability to focus consistently on the object of meditation, these realizations will be unstable. Bodhisattvas cultivate psychic powers in order to be able to benefit others more effectively. For example, knowing who they have close karmic connections with due to previous lives’ interactions enables bodhisattvas to lead those individuals with greater ease.

Similarly, although we have not even reached the edge of the [bodhisattva] path—which is feeling spontaneous bodhicitta when encountering any sentient being—it is ludicrous to think we have attained the supernormal power of fast legs that allows someone to travel quickly through the sky. Even if we attained such supernormal powers by cultivating concentration, without great compassion, there is the risk that we would misuse such powers for egotistical means, harming ourselves or others in the process. This verse makes fun of people who do not have the right priorities on the spiritual path and put on airs of having supernormal powers.

When someone gives me useful advice, I view them with hostility as a foe.

When someone fools me with treachery, I repay the heartless one with kindness.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

There is a Tibetan saying that words given with care and concern are never pleasant. To prevent us from going down the wrong road, friends give us useful advice because they can see things about us or the situation that we are blind to. How do we respond? Seeing them as a foe, we get defensive and defiantly tell them to mind their own business.

For example, someone has a substance abuse problem. Relatives tell him, “Your substance use is interfering with your family and your job. You want to be happy, and this problem is making you lose everything that is important to you, including your self-esteem. Will you consider going to treatment?” But the person cannot hear it. He says, “I’m not an addict! I use it recreationally just like everybody else. You do it too! Get off my back!”

This happens among Dharma practitioners as well. A Dharma friend tries to give us useful advice—for example, reminding us to keep the precepts—and we become hostile, glare at him or her, and turn our back. For this reason, some monastic precepts stress the importance of listening to admonition. When the community confronts us with our own corrupt behavior, we are penalized if we respond by accusing the community of having partiality, hatred, fear, and ignorance.

On the other hand, somebody may try to use us or get something out of us, and because he or she flatters us and is kind to us, we allow ourselves to be deceived. Later, when we wake up to this conniving, we blame the person for taking advantage of us, when it is actually our attachment to praise and reputation that made us suckers. As long as someone treats us nicely and boosts our ego, we will disregard her unethical actions and deceitful behavior toward others. This is foolishness on our part. Again, the responsibility lies with our self-centeredness that makes us so gullible.

You may doubt: “You’re blaming yourself when it’s that person who is being manipulative.” That person may be deceitful and lie to me, but I cannot control another’s intention nor their actions. However, I am responsible for my part. As a child, I may have been innocent and trusted someone who was not trustworthy—that is a different case—but now I’m an adult, and it is clearly my attachment to praise and affection that is making me bite the hook. If I were wiser, I would not look to other people to make me feel good about myself. Instead, I would establish a valid sense of self-confidence, believing in my buddha-nature. Then I would not be susceptible to others’ machinations. I’m not blaming myself for my naïveté, but am taking responsibility for overcoming it.

When we first begin to learn the Dharma, our practice may be a combination of Dharma practice and worldly practice. However, over time it becomes easier to identify our self-centered worldly aims and consciously cultivate a better motivation for all we do. This shift in attitude involves being open to receiving useful advice and not being taken in by another’s duplicity.

When people treat me as their family, I reveal their secrets to their foes.

When people befriend me with affection, I betray their trust with no pangs of conscience.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

All of us seek close relationships with people who understand us and whom we can trust. To have such relationships, it is important to honor the confidences people share with us. When others treat us as their family and confide in us, we are privileged because they trust us. Perhaps they shared with us something that is difficult for them to say—they felt ashamed of past behavior—or revealed events they do not feel comfortable letting others know. Without any sensitivity to their feelings, we turn around and tell others about their personal life. Word gets around and puts them in a difficult position. Worse still, stories quickly get distorted, so our “small embellishments” of a good story get exaggerated until the story going round is not only embarrassing but also inaccurate. If word reaches their foes, the people who trust us could be severely harmed. Such behavior on our part is disrespectful and unappreciative.

When others befriend us with affection, we have the responsibility to repay their kindness. Lacking gratitude, self-preoccupation makes us use them for our own benefit. Betraying others’ trust not only sparks their anger, and sometimes fear, but also it also makes it more difficult for them to trust others later on. When word gets out that we revealed others’ confidential matters or used them for our own gain, others lose respect and trust in us as well. This will continue into future lives, making it difficult for us to trust others and difficult for them to trust us. Trust is an essential ingredient in fulfilling relationships, which our behavior will deprive us of.

In a reversal of the situation, when somebody tells me something about another person’s confidential business, unless it is an extraordinary situation that calls for this information to be revealed, I know that I should not trust that person. Why not? He is likely to blab what I say in confidence. Similarly, if I see someone mistreat someone else, I stay clear of that person, knowing that if I become friendly with her, there’s a high likelihood that she will treat me the same way.

There are certain situations where it is necessary to reveal something said in confidence, for example, if you know somebody has committed or is about to commit a crime. In many places, clergy, teachers, or therapists are required by law to reveal this information. It may also happen that someone who is confused or in great pain tells us something in confidence. Because the person is too confused to seek help at that moment, we may have to contact people who can help him or her. In this case, we are acting with compassion for the benefit of our friend.

Sometimes, people in a company, Dharma center, or family are so afraid of exposing secrets or of engaging in divisive speech that nobody will discuss problems. Meanwhile, the situation worsens, endangering others’ well-being. The cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic church is an example of this. In such situations, with a motivation of kindness for everyone involved—victim and perpetrator alike—we need to make information public in a skillful manner.

My ill temper is intense, my paranoia coarser than everyone’s.

Hard to befriend, I constantly provoke others’ negative traits.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

The Tibetan word that is translated as “paranoia” in the first line is namtok. We encountered this word previously: it means preconception or superstitious thought that makes up stories. Here, our mind is fabricating the story, “These people are gossiping behind my back,” or “They’re plotting to do something against me.” We become unnecessarily suspicious, anxious, and fearful. Sometimes the suffering caused by anxiety and fear is greater than the suffering of the situation actually occurring.

It has happened to all of us that others are talking, and when we walk into the room, they go silent. Our superstitious thought thinks, “They’re talking about me.” We don’t clarify our assumption because we are sure our interpretation is right. Becoming ill-tempered, we accuse others of having negative thoughts, saying untrue words, or doing harmful actions they have not done. Whatever they say to clarify the issue, we refuse to listen, making ourselves and them miserable. Rather than worry about people gossiping about us, we should be more aware of our gossiping about them.

Another effect of our preconceptions may be our becoming so skeptical and full of doubt that we are paralyzed and cannot act. “Is this happening? Or is that happening? Should I do this or that?” Our namtok proliferates, like rabbits in the summer. People feel like they have to walk on eggshells around us, because whatever they say or do, we take it the wrong way. Eventually, people shy away from talking to us because we misinterpret almost everything they say and accuse them of motivations that they do not have.

Our preconceptions stimulate jealousy as well, prompting us to compete with others and overcome them because we’re afraid they will control us. Paranoia, doubt, and jealousy make us form cliques with a few people who agree with us, and together we make others the enemy. Whether it is in a family, political party, socially engaged group, Dharma community, office, or sports team, whenever somebody starts creating factions out of paranoia, it becomes unpleasant for everyone involved. People get worked up, making much ado about nothing.

Hard to befriend, we constantly provoke others’ negative traits and are a trial to be around. Somebody is friendly, but we’re so irritable and constantly in a bad mood that we won’t give him or her the time of day. Careless about what we say or do, we treat others like our servants, provoking their anger. Looking out only for what benefits ourselves, we annoy others or make comments that set people against each other. We may ask someone to lie on our behalf, ridicule someone about a sensitive issue, or take someone with a substance abuse problem who is trying to stop to a party where people are drinking and drugging.

Other times, we are fussy and want everything done in the most comfortable way for me. “Does meditation have to be at five thirty? I want it at five thirty-five.” We always want to be the exception: We need a different bed than everyone else has; otherwise, we can’t sleep. The food at the restaurant is cooked too well, so we scold the waiter and send it back. The room is too hot or cold for us, but rather than adjust how much clothing we wear, we insist on the temperature being changed no matter what others want.

Once, at the end of a retreat in Mexico, the participants performed a hilarious skit about a typical meditation session. One person opened the window, and a minute later, another person closed it. A minute after that, someone opened it halfway. One person turned the pages of a book, so another person told him to be quiet, and then a third person made noise looking for paper to write notes telling both of them to be more considerate.

Of course at suitable times, we can voice our needs and preferences, but we should not be so inflexible that we insist that everything must be our way. If it is more convenient for others to do something another way, those of us aspiring to be bodhisattvas and buddhas should adapt. After all, who ever heard of a self-centered bodhisattva?

Our complaining, lying, gossip, and irresponsibility make us hard to befriend, even though we want friends. Lacking introspective awareness of our own behavior, we don’t understand why others get irritated with us or avoid us. When we ask our family for the umpteenth time for money, even though we spent what they gave us before on frivolous things, we are dumbfounded when they blow up. Our mindless behavior triggers others’ negative traits, which they don’t like any more than we do.

When people voice ideas that we disagree with, instead of feeling threatened, we can give them space to say what they need to say. Sometimes when I hear an idea I disagree with, I panic: “I’ve got to stop that idea now; if not, we’ll go down the wrong path, and everything will be a mess!” However, if we give somebody the space to speak, especially in a group discussion, others may voice their doubts, and that person may come to see that the idea is not feasible. Sometimes, people just need to be heard, and then they drop their opinion. We don’t need to immediately and aggressively shoot down every idea we disagree with.

We need to be able to discern when namtok arises. Familiarizing ourselves with what self-centeredness and compassion feel like in our mind and body is helpful. To do this, we practice being aware of the “tone” of our mind or the “flavor” or “texture” of various thoughts. We pay attention to our body. Is there a part of our body that tightens or relaxes slightly when a particular emotion manifests in our mind? Cultivating this sensitivity gives us much information about ourselves, and that, in turn, enables us to regulate our thoughts, emotions, and actions.

When people ask for favors, I ignore them yet covertly cause them harm.

When someone respects my wishes, I don’t concur but seek disputes from afar.

Dance and trample on the head of this betrayer, false conception!

Mortally strike at the heart of this butcher and enemy, the self!

Sometimes, people ask us for help, and we blatantly pretend that we did not hear them, or we use our stash of excuses. The current universal excuse is, “I’m too busy.” Of course, we always have time to do the things that we like, but when somebody asks us for a hand and we don’t feel like helping, we are definitely too busy. Not only do we ignore people’s requests, we also turn around and cause them harm. Obnoxious and mean, when people ask for help, we instead cheat them, steal their things, and ruin their relationships.

Even when somebody is nice to us and respects our wishes, we are still dissatisfied and stir up conflict. Someone tries to make amends after an argument, but we keep hammering in that we are right and he or she is wrong. Some people thrive on conflict—they feel uncomfortable when a group is harmonious. Perhaps their family life was chaotic when they were children, so whenever they join a group, their automatic tendency is to seek disputes. Discord feels more natural to them, but of course others don’t like that.

When others ask for advice, they are sincerely trying to gain clarity. Turning on them at that time is unkind. Likewise, if someone is new to a group and relies on us, we should not humiliate or embarrass him or her in front of others, but make the person feel welcome. What does our self-centered thought think it will get out of making others feel bad? Certainly welcoming others and helping them to feel comfortable in a new environment creates the happiness and goodwill that all of us seek.