BIRDIE LOOKED AROUND THE little motel room that was as drab today as when they’d arrived. She hadn’t purchased odds and ends at the antique shops or added color, as Rose had. Hannah didn’t care what the room looked like and this was not the trip for Birdie to clean and decorate. She’d done plenty of that in her home and look where it had gotten her. On this trip she was cleaning the inside of herself. Now that the trip was coming to an end, she felt she’d done a pretty good job rearranging the mental furniture. Just being able to admit that her marriage was failing was proof enough.
She sat by the telephone but didn’t reach for it. She’d decided to take Jilly’s advice and work to get Dennis back. She wanted him back. She was accustomed to his body next to hers in their bed, to him making the coffee in the morning while she buttered the toast. She liked that they shared the chores around the house. He was good with his hands and handled the painting, caulking and repairs. She was better at electrical problems, fixing appliances and changing lightbulbs. She paid the bills. He played the stock market. They were so comfortable together.
She wanted to make love again, too. Maybe her hormones were back in line, or maybe she just realized how much she loved him. But did he still love her? she wondered.
Dennis had called her a nag. It was a horrible word that rhymed with hag and drew the same images. When he’d left Evanston, she’d thought he was entirely to blame for their argument. She’d called him a withdrawer, which was really just another expression for coward. That argument was one in a long, continuous game that they’d been playing for years, she realized now. The Blaming Game. She couldn’t remember who started it and it didn’t really matter. They both played it. They both were getting good at it. All that she wanted now was for the cruel game to end so that they could try to change and get back to the place they were before.
She’d given this a lot of thought. She realized at last that she was powerless to change Dennis. And when she thought about it honestly, she didn’t want to try anymore. But she could begin to change herself.
She wouldn’t nag. She wouldn’t tell him what to do. And she’d swallow her pride and not be angry with him for not returning her calls. If Jilly could find the courage to call Anne Marie, then she could damn well call her husband.
She picked up the phone and called her home number. It rang and rang, without the answering machine picking up. Where could he be? There was school tomorrow. The longer it rang, the more her disappointment grew. But she was determined, and she let it ring on. She was slipping her shoe off from her foot when she heard his voice.
“Hello?”
She froze, trying to make certain it wasn’t the answering machine. “Dennis?”
“Yes.”
“It’s me. Birdie.”
There was a pause. “I know.”
So his anger was still white-hot. “I’m surprised you still recognize my voice. But then again, I’ve left enough messages for you to remember it.” She spoke in an airy manner, but she doubted he was fooled.
“I got the messages.”
She took a deep breath, telling herself to hear the hurt in his anger, not the meanness.
“Where are you? Hannah was due back in school last Monday.” His voice was level.
“I know. That’s why I’m calling. We’re still in Hodges and were planning on coming back today.”
“Were?”
“Our plans changed. We can’t leave just yet. Dennis, Jilly just made contact with Spring! Or, rather, Anne Marie. That’s her daughter’s name.”
There was a long silence.
“Dennis?”
“I’m here. So,” he said, exhaling. “She found her.”
He didn’t sound very happy about it. Even if he didn’t like Jilly, he could be happy for her. For all of them. She tried to tap down the spark of anger.
“Just today. In fact, she’s on the phone with her now.”
“I’m surprised she found her. I didn’t think she would.”
“We were lucky. Everything just clicked.” She felt a sticky tension between them that distance only thickened. She tried again.
“And Dennis, you’d be so proud of Hannah. It’s like she’s grown up overnight. She’s been so mature and so giving—she’s giving one hundred and ten percent.”
“That ought to make you happy.”
Birdie heard his sarcasm and had to take a breath. “It has,” she replied evenly. “But only because it’s making her happy. She feels good about herself for a change. We’re both feeling good about ourselves, actually. We’re not fighting all the time anymore. Sometimes we still do, but it’s different. Not so nasty. She’s told me how she feels and believe it or not, I’ve told her how I feel. Remember how I used to say I couldn’t be her mother and her friend? Well, I was wrong. It’s very sweet to listen to her tell me her thoughts and not feel like I’m her judge and jury. We’re really talking.”
“Must be nice.”
Again the sarcasm. She squeezed her eyes tight, wondering if it was too late after all. “Maybe we can try talking when I come home,” she said tentatively.
There was a pause. “When would that be?”
“Soon. Hannah and I want to see this thing to the end.” She spoke rapidly, twisting the phone cord. “Anne Marie lives only an hour from here, in the Green Bay area. So we’d like to spend another night, maybe two. Just to meet her. I mean, after all this we’d like to see her. Then we’ll come home.”
“No. You know as well as I that Hannah’s grades haven’t been good. It’s been a struggle with her all year just to keep on track. This will screw things up good. She’s had her vacation. I want her home. Now.”
His voice was harsh and it stung that he specifically said he wanted Hannah home. He didn’t mention whether he gave a damn if Birdie came with her. “She’ll learn a lot more about life in the next few days than she will in school. This is important to her. She can miss a couple more days. Come on, Dennis, we don’t need to be so inflexible all the time. We need to loosen up.” She couldn’t believe these words were coming out of her mouth, or that she meant them. Nor, she imagined, could Dennis.
“I’m tired of always being the flexible one,” he replied with anger. “I’ve asked you to come home and you won’t. One of us has to budge. And it ain’t going to be me.”
Ah, so this was the stand he’d decided to take. But it was true. He was usually the one who changed his plans. Birdie’s schedule always took precedence since she was the main breadwinner in the family. One of the things she’d always loved most about him was his reasonable nature. Had she driven him to fight back? A wave of guilt made her want to tell him yes, she would come home immediately. But a stronger voice told her that she couldn’t, not yet.
“Dennis, you have no idea what’s been going on here. What I’ve been going through.”
“You have no idea what I’ve been going through, either.”
Birdie thought of Jilly’s advice to remember that he was a man and not a child, but it was hard when they were playing tit for tat.
“Okay, you’re right, I don’t know what you’ve been going through,” she said, making a last effort. “I tried to talk to you but you didn’t return my calls. So tell me, what have you been up to?”
“I’ve been on a motorcycle trip.”
She almost laughed. “What?”
“A bike trip. I told you I might. I’ve always wanted to go on one and I thought what the hell?”
Birdie conjured the image of Dennis back in leather and on a motorbike. It took her far back to when she’d first set eyes on him and fallen head over heels.
“I’d love to have seen that,” she said, hearing her smile in her voice. “I always liked seeing you on a bike. It’s been a long time. Must’ve been fun,” she added lamely.
There was a pause and she imagined he was regrouping, having expected a pithy comment.
“Nah,” he replied. “It was cold as hell.” His anger seemed to have deflated but he was still testy. “I headed south a bit along the Mississippi, then just came back home. It’s not really biking weather yet.” He skipped a beat. “But I bought the bike.”
She could hear the challenge in his voice. “What’s this?” she asked teasingly. “A male menopause thing?”
“I dunno. Maybe.”
“Okay. That’s fair. Maybe we’re both going through a few changes.”
“We could use a few.”
There wasn’t any sarcasm in that. If anything, she thought she caught a hint of hope. “You’re right. We could.” She took a chance. “When I come home, will you give me a ride?” Those were the words she’d used as a kid that summer when she hung around him as he waited for Jilly. She knew by the length of the pause that he’d remembered.
“Come home now, Birdie,” he said. His voice was strained. Even pleading.
“I’m almost done. I have to finish this with Jilly.”
“Let Jilly finish her own problems. You can’t always be there to save everyone.”
“I know! Really I do. That’s what’s happening here that you don’t understand. I’m not saving Jilly. She’s saving me. And Hannah. And Rose. We’re all saving one another. We’re close again, like we used to be, and it’s changing us. I wish I could explain it better, but I’m not sure I understand it myself. I’m beginning to feel like my old self. Energized. Hopeful.” She reached up to touch her red hair along her neck. “I meant what I said about wanting to try and talk again. You were right about that. We didn’t talk. And I have so many things I need to talk to you about.”
She waited, but he didn’t respond. The silence stretched and she clutched the phone tightly in her hand. “Please say you’ll be there for us when we get home. Hannah needs you. But I need you more. Be there—for me.”
Closing her eyes tight, she silently mouthed the word, please….
She heard his sigh rumble over the wire, then his voice came, soft but firm in decision. “I’ll be here.”
Dear DannyBoy,
We’ve made enormous progress in our search today. I hope you’re sitting down. Jilly found her daughter! Her name is Anne Marie and she lives just outside Green Bay. They found each other from that reunion registry I told you about. I guess that makes another couple united by the power of the Internet! So we’ll be heading down to Green Bay tomorrow and we’ll probably stay there for a few days.
Okay, I’m taking a deep breath. Still sitting down?
I’d like to meet you. I don’t want to wait any longer. We’ve waited long enough already. I’m sorry I delayed to the last minute. I’ve always wanted to meet you but I was afraid that if we met, we might not like each other and I didn’t want to risk what we had. But I realized, watching Jilly set up an appointment to meet her daughter for the first time, that I could only find happiness if I took risks. So if you’re still coming to Green Bay and you’re still willing to meet, then so am I. If you can’t make it while I’m in town, Evanston isn’t at the other end of the world and we can try again. All we can do is try.
We’ll be staying at the Embassy Suites, if you know where that is.
I’ve got to start packing. It’s hard to believe we’re leaving our little oasis. We’ve made some good friends here. Larry and Maude, and especially Rajiv, have been great. I’m sure I’ll come up to see them again. I also can’t believe how much stuff we’ve accumulated in just two weeks. I think I’ll have to donate the stuff to Rajiv, except that I’m rather sentimental now about the Chinese lamps I found in a small antique store in town. They’ll always remind me of the great Season Odyssey, as Jilly calls it. It’s funny, but in a way, I feel like I’ve finally dug my way to China after all. It’s a long childhood story that I’ll tell you about sometime.
Let me know if you can meet in Green Bay!
Love,
Rosebud
Dear Rosebud,
Yes, I’ll meet you in Green Bay!
I have to make a delivery on Saturday, but if you can just stay there till Monday, I don’t care what I have to do to get there, but I’ll be there. Screeching tires, but I’ll be there.
Love,
DannyBoy
Late that night Jilly lay in the crook of Rajiv’s shoulder. His long fingers stroked her spine, luxuriously moving up and down in a soothing pattern while their bodies cooled. She’d told him that she was leaving in the morning and he’d reacted as she expected he would, without so many words as with a grasping, frenzied passion in his lovemaking that spoke eloquently of his true feelings for her.
Rajiv still kept his soul barred from her, locked behind his unfailing civility and intelligence. As her fingers flexed against his chest, she had to hold herself back from forming fists and pounding him with them, crying tears and begging him to tell her that he loved her.
“You’re so quiet,” she said to him, moving her head on his chest to look at his face. “Are you meditating?”
She heard his chuckle in his chest. “Every time an Indian thinks silently does not mean he’s meditating.”
She pinched him lightly.
“Jilly, what am I going to do with you?”
Hold me, she thought to herself. Keep me here with you.
“I’m leaving tomorrow and I realize I know very little about you. That makes me sad.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
He chuckled softly. “You’ll not be able to leave tomorrow if you want to know everything.”
“Ask me to stay, then.” She held her breath as his chest moved up and down in a steady rhythm.
“I can’t do that,” he replied at length.
“Why not? Don’t you care enough to ask me to stay?”
“Yes.”
She felt a moment’s exhilaration. “Then ask me.”
“No. I can’t.”
Her heart twisted and she pulled herself up to her elbows to look down into his face. His gaze was open but she saw the tiger lurking within.
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“Both.”
“If you don’t care enough to ask me to stay, then why should I? What are you offering me?”
“I’m offering you nothing, Jillian. This is your decision to make.”
“No, it’s not! It’s not just my decision. It’s yours, too. Just tell me what you want me to do.”
“Jillian, my love. I won’t tell you what to do.”
“You’re hiding again in your silence,” she fired off. “You’re wallowing in the mire.”
“Do you think so? I feel like I’m standing on a precipice, very, very high up.”
She lay down on her back again and stared up at the ceiling. Tears smarted in her eyes and she felt a sudden chill emanating from her heart. “I thought we had something very special between us. But you can’t feel anything for me at all if you’ll just let me go.”
After a moment he asked quietly, “Would you stay if I asked you to?”
She stumbled. “I’d have to go to Green Bay to meet my daughter, of course. But afterward…”
He rose up over her to put his fingertip over her lips and silence her. “Don’t make any promises you can’t keep. You don’t have to. Not to me. Not to anyone. I’m not asking for anything more than you’ve given me already. And believe me, Jillian, I care about you a great deal to be able to say that to you. You know you have to go. Let’s be honest with each other. We’ve always been so.”
He lay on his back and pulled her up so that her head rested once again in the crook of his shoulder. No man had ever been so direct and honest with her before. There was always flattery and false promises with the others; she’d grown accustomed to hearing the indulgent compliments. The white lies simply covered up the painful truth, a facade Rajiv would not indulge in, nor allow her to. She felt the tears pool in her eyes and flow hot down her cheeks to his shoulder. “This hurts so much.”
“I believe we have to suffer in life to progress to the next level.” He spoke in his beautiful voice against the soft hairs of her head. “But life is not all suffering. In order to attain the highest level, the soul must strive for bliss. For years I was a fool. I was wallowing only in despair.”
He moved onto his side, resting his head on his outstretched arm to look into her eyes. “Then you came to this place, Jillian Season, and saved me from myself. You were relentless. You wouldn’t allow me to shut you out. You showed me the courage to face the past and to continue undaunted.” He stroked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, then smiled his old-soul smile. “And you certainly showed me bliss.”
He moved his beautiful fingers to cup her face. “You are courageous. You’ll make the right choice, if you simply trust yourself.” They stared at each other for a long time, their eyes pained, each probing, seeking, asking. Then he moved his hand to the back of her neck, pulled close and kissed her. It was not the desperate kiss it had been earlier. It was slow and tender, searching her mouth for answers in the same manner his eyes had done seconds earlier.
He was seeking his bliss, she thought to herself, feeling her blood stir in response to him again. He was searching for bliss within her body, even within her soul. As her long limbs wrapped around him and their kisses deepened, Jilly wondered why bliss felt to her like suffering.