The heavy gate slammed shut behind them. They were standing in a large courtyard, its high walls made of dull grey stones that seemed to suck the sunlight out of the air. Eddy shivered in their shadow. He looked round to see if there was any way to escape – supposing they got a chance to escape – but the Emperor’s castle appeared to be as impossible to break out of as it was to break in to.
The guards raised their spears and stepped back. Their leader tossed the Penguin off his shoulder. He sailed through the air with a squawk and landed at Eddy’s feet.
The Penguin picked himself up, dusted himself down, and said, “If that’s flying, you can keep it. It’s rubbish.”
“Voilà,” said the raisin Chevalier François Cabernet Lalande-de-Pomerol. “We are inside the Emperor’s castle, just as I promised.”
“You forgot to mention that we would be under armed guard,” said the Captain. “This is bad.”
“No – our position is excellent,” said the Chevalier. “Now we have tricked them into bringing us here, the most difficult part is over. All that remains is to overpower these brutes – and what is that to a man of courage like you? And then we will decide what unpleasantness to inflict on the Emperor – may his bed sheets always have crumbs in them.”
“Never mind crumbs,” said the Captain. “We’re in a right pickle. There’s a difference between courage and stupidity, and trying to fight these guards would definitely be stupid.”
“Sorry to break up your little chat,” said a voice behind them.
They turned to see a smiling young man in a smart purple uniform.
“You must be the new prisoners,” said the young man. “Lovely to meet you. As you will see from my badge, my name is Robin, and I’ll be your Prisoner Orientation Officer – or P.O.O. for short.”
“I’m glad you explained that,” said the Penguin. “I wondered why you had Robin Poo on your jacket.”
“A joke,” chuckled Robin. “Well done, you. Not many prisoners manage to keep a sense of humour. Now, I’m here to guide you through the trial and punishment process. So, any questions – fire away!”
“Trial?” said the Captain.
“And punishment?” added Eddy.
“Punishment, yes,” said Robin. “After you are found guilty.”
“Not us,” said the Crew. “We’ve done nothing wrong.”
“And another one,” laughed Robin. “You guys crack me up. Everybody who is put on trial here is found guilty. It’s a very efficient system. And then you get executed.”
“Executed?” said the Penguin.
“Executed, punished, whatever. Same thing. But now we really must get on. Follow me, please.”
A menacing shake of the guards’ spears persuaded the Codcakers to do as Robin asked. He led them into a vast hall, thronged with people. More guards stood in front of the iron bars of a prison cell.
“Now,” said Robin, “if you could just pop yourselves in there for me? I’m sure the Emperor won’t be long. Don’t worry about the paperwork, I’ll handle that – and any last words and personal belongings you would like sent to your loved ones.” And with a cheerful wave, he left the guards to shove them into the cell and bolt the door.
“This is now badder than bad,” said the Captain.
“It is superb!” piped up the Chevalier. “It is our chance to inspire la Résistance. They will speak of how we comrades stood together behind the brave pirate Captain who laughed in the face of the Emperor and challenged him to do his worst.”
“Well,” said the Captain. “Maybe not his very worst.”
“They will paint pictures of us!” the Chevalier continued. “They will tell their children stories about us!”
“All about how we were horribly executed. Very nice for the kiddies,” added the Penguin.
“Shhh!” said Eddy. “I think he’s coming!”
CLACK CLACK CLACK.
They heard the sound of boots clumping down a corridor.
CLACK CLACK CLACK.
With a mighty blare of trumpets and a cry of “Make way for the Emperor!” the crowd in the room broke into cheers and applause and a flurry of curtsies and bows. Some of them bent so low that they touched the floor with their noses.
Peering through the throng, Eddy saw a very short man wearing a very large crown enter the room. He was dressed in a velvet jacket studded with precious stones, embroidered silk trousers, and soft leather slippers that padded silently across the floor. Behind him walked two uniformed servants. One carried a large slab of marble. The other held a leather boot in each hand, which he beat on the marble slab to make the sound of the heavy footsteps that had announced the Emperor’s approach.
The Emperor padded towards a tall throne at the end of the room. Finely dressed ladies scattered rose petals at his feet. Caged songbirds twittered as he passed. Exotic perfumes were sprayed into the air. Trays of delicious nibbles and glasses of thirst-quenching cordials were offered to him. The Emperor would have needed a heart of stone not to be delighted by the elaborate show.
And a heart of stone was just what he had. He kicked the rose petals aside. He shouted at the birds to shut up. He coughed at the perfumes, spat out a nibble and dashed the drinks to the ground. When he reached the throne, he turned. His face was a scrunch of bad temper.
“Useless!” he yelled. “You’re all useless! Who do I have to waste my precious time on today?”
Robin stepped forward. “There’s a trial, Your Magnitude. Prisoners.”
“Oh!” said the Emperor, sitting down and perking up. “That’s more like it. Have they been very bad?”
“That’s for you to decide, Majesty.”
“Yes it is, isn’t it?” He rubbed his hands together and turned to the prison cell. “Well, what have you villainous vermin got to say?”
“What are we supposed to have done?” asked Eddy, his voice trembling.
“You are supposed to have obeyed the law, of course. If you don’t know that you must have been very badly brought up. But this trial is not about what you are supposed to have done. This trial is about what you have actually done.”
“And what have we actually done?”
“You tell me,” said the Emperor. “You were there. You saw it all. You know all the wherefores and whys. So. Speak up.” He sat back, looking very pleased with himself. The whole room broke into applause.
“A very subtle line of questioning, Your Immensity, if I may say so,” said Robin.
“Yes, it was rather brilliant, wasn’t it?” agreed the Emperor.
“All we did was land on the island,” said the Captain.
“Aha!” said the Emperor. “So, you admit the whole dastardly plot. You invaded the Empire, no doubt intending to seize the throne, paint a moustache and funny glasses on my portrait, and rob my poor subjects of their beloved Emperor.”
“Oh, stick it in a sandwich and choke on it,” a raisiny voice piped up from the prison cell. “Your subjects hate you.”
“As you have not tried to bore me with a lot of pointless facts, I shall be merciful,” the Emperor continued. “The sentence is death.”
“You call that merciful?” said Eddy.
“However,” added the Emperor, “because you are so very smelly, I have decided to double the sentence. That fishy whiff is horrible. And let that be a lesson to you next time.”
As the room broke into applause again, the Chevalier squeaked, “Now is the moment, Captain. Now you can laugh in his face.”
“I don’t see the joke,” said the Captain.
“It was the one about not being found guilty, remember?” said Robin cheerfully.
“What will happen to us?” asked Eddy. His voice wobbled in his throat.
“Well,” said Robin, “the Emperor has to decide how to have you killed. With a bit of luck, it will be swift and painless.”
“Executioner!” the Emperor shouted. “Bring in The Beast!”
“Ah!” said Robin. “Oh, well, never mind.”