The Captain took a deep breath. “Objection!”

“Overruled,” said Barracuda Bill.

“You haven’t even heard what it is yet,” said the Captain.

“Don’t care,” said Barracuda Bill.

“But you cheated,” said Eddy. “You didn’t do the quest. You just pinched everything from us.”

“‘You cheated!’” mocked Barracuda Bill. “Of course I cheated. We’re pirates, for badness’ sake. We steal stuff.”

“Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda,” said the Captain. “You heard Barracuda Bill. We completed the quest, not him. Does he deserve the treasure beyond price? Do you want to reward meanness and thieving and general all-round horribleness?”

He whipped off his hat, threw out his arm and struck the noblest pose he could muster.

“By all that’s decent and true, we Codcakers battled bravely and sweated and strived or stroved or whatever the right word is, and we did it fairly and honourably and it’s us what deserves the treasure beyond price, and no mistake!”

“Bravo!” said the Crew.

Eddy had never seen the Captain like this before. His eyes blazed with passion. He seemed to have grown a head taller, and with his chest thrust out he looked as though he had been pumped up with air.

“You did it,” said Eddy to the Captain. “You really did it. You stood up to him.”

“Standing up is one thing,” said the Captain. “But we ain’t won that treasure yet.”

“Just wondering,” said the Penguin. “What exactly is the treasure beyond price?”

“You’re looking at it, silly,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “It’s me. That’s why I sent out the magic map all those years ago. The winner gets to marry me.”

“Ah,” said the Captain, suddenly deflating. “Um. Nevertheless. Er – fair play and honour and stuff and, well, you know.” His voice trailed away in a hesitant mumble.

“You don’t actually want to marry her, do you?” asked Eddy.

“Have a care, boy,” said Barracuda Bill. “You’re speaking about my girl.”

“But she’s selfish and bossy and greedy and shouty,” said Eddy, “and she calls people horrible names and hits them.”

“Yeah! What a woman!” sighed Barracuda Bill. “What’s not to love?”

“Love?” squealed Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “Why, this is all so sudden!”

“You, my dear, are truly a treasure beyond price – far more special than gold and silver and sapphires and diamonds,” said Bill, reaching for her hand.

“I certainly am,” said Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “For a start, there’s only one of me. But there is simply loads of gold and silver. The royal treasury is heaped with it. And don’t get me started on all the sapphires and diamonds and rubies that are cluttering up the place. They are such a bore. I can hardly wait to get married so I can hand the whole lot over to my husband.”

“To your husband…?” said the Captain. Suddenly marrying the Princess didn’t seem an unbearable prospect after all. “Then by all that’s fair and decent…”

“We heard you the first time,” said Barracuda Bill with a triumphant grin. “You lost. I won. I get the treasure. You get over it.”

“This ain’t working,” the Captain hissed to Eddy. “I don’t understand. I had the dream. We discovered the map. I was sure that treasure wanted to be found by us because you need a fortune to fix your gran’s cottage.”

“Maybe it just wanted to be found,” said Eddy, “and it didn’t care who found it. Maybe this was really Barracuda Bill’s story all along.”

“No,” said the Captain. “It’s our story, and I’m not going to give it up without a fight.”

“A fight? You don’t mean with Bill?” said Eddy. “He’ll kill you.”

“Not if the story is meant to be.”

“No,” said Eddy. “You’ve done enough. I’m sorry for all that stuff I said before – and I take it all back. You came after Barracuda Bill and stood up to him like a real pirate. You’ve proved who you are. You did your best and no one can ask more than that.”

“I can,” said the Captain. “And I do. I want to win.” He tapped Barracuda Bill on the shoulder.

“Coward,” said the Captain.

The smile on Barracuda Bill’s lips sank into a snarl. A vein on his forehead started to throb.

“He’s done it now,” said Bonecrusher Bert quietly, as he and Jellyfish Jones sneaked behind the sofa for cover.

Barracuda Bill pushed his face right into the Captain’s.

“What – did – you – just – call – me?” he spat.

“C-c-coward,” said the Captain, his voice trembling. “You were too scared to do the quest yourself. And now I bet you are too scared to fight for your prize.”

“Scared!” roared Barracuda Bill. “Me, scared of a snivelling spineless seaslug like you? I’ll show you who’s scared!”

He took a glove from his belt, and slapped the Captain across the face with it. Once. Twice.

“Ow. Ow,” said the Captain.

“I challenge you to a duel! Man against mollusc!”

“Oh!” squealed Beautiful Princess Ermintrelda. “You boys! Fighting over me!” She bobbed up and down in her chair with excitement. “No, no, no, no, no! You mustn’t! You simply simply mustn’t! But if you simply simply must you’d better go outside. And don’t start till I get there – I don’t want to miss a single moment!”

“Outside,” said Barracuda Bill. “Now.” He stamped away.

“You don’t have to go through with this,” Eddy said to the Captain. “We won’t think any the less of you. Like you once said, there’s a difference between courage and stupidity. He’s the most dangerous pirate afloat.”

“Maybe,” said the Captain. “But I have a plan.”

“Did you think it up yourself?” said the Penguin.

“Absolutely,” said the Captain.

“So,” asked the Penguin, “would you like to be buried on land or at sea?”