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THE DAY DAWNED CLEAR. Randy got up early, pigged down some breakfast, filled a large plastic lemonade bottle with warm water, stuck it in his pack and hurried out to his bike.
He arrived at the showgrounds about ten minutes before seven and went straight to the hiding place. The little bag of manure was still there, safe and sound and warm and smelly. Carefully he opened the top and poured the warm water slowly over the bull pats to soften them into a nice spreadable consistency.
Piho arrived.
"I've thought of something extra," he said, getting out a bottle of his own. "Sugar water. It'll help it stick. "
Giggling like madmen they watched as the manure soaked up the liquid.
"Exxxcellent," murmured Randy happily.
"Sweet, sweet revenge!" said Piho with almost breathless excitement.
"Ye-es!" sighed Randy.
Then they let the low branches sweep back across the sack, packed away the empty bottles, and slipped away towards the showgrounds. It was a few minutes to seven and the fairground people were up and about, tightening ropes on their tents and setting up the sideshows. In all there were only a single row of sideshows, a candyfloss machine and two merry-go-rounds as well as the Ferris wheel.
"It doesn't look like much of a fairground," said Randy.
"It doesn't have to," said Piho. "Knowing Dexter, he'll make it look like Disneyland."
"Yeah," Randy sounded gloomy, "Dexter."
"Yeah, what a prick."
"Yeah."
"Think of the money."
"Yeah, the money, the money, the money. . ."
"Where is he anyway? It's way past seven."
The TV crew didn't arrive until ten past. In drove the two big trucks, the van, and another truck with a kind of a crane on the back. Then, slowly, detail by detail, the day's events got underway. Three of the crew got busy putting up the ducking-pool set. Elsewhere more show-day things began to arrive, the bouncy castle, the man with the performing ducks, the hot-dog caravan and the local brass band.
"Oi!" said Dexter when he finally found them. "Get to Wardrobe – now!"
After they had been turned into dorks they went back to wandering. It didn't look like the shoot was about to happen yet anyway, as Dexter had just decided that he didn't like the position of the bouncy castle.
Then they saw something very interesting coming in from the main road on the back of a large trailer. It was a huge metal tube with the words 'KIWI KLUB FUN CANNON' written on the side. They followed it until it stopped. Aside from the main tube with its thick bottom end, there were two enormous compressed-air tanks low in the trailer and some pipes and valves and pressure gauges leading to the cannon itself. The trailer had legs that looked like they could be put down to keep it all steady.
"How does it work?" Randy asked the man in the towing car.
"Compressed air," he answered, getting out to begin setting it up.
"Yeah, but how? I mean, like, what do you do?"
The man seemed a friendly kind of dude and didn't seem to mind telling them all about it as he checked it over.
"Well first you've got to load it." He turned a handle halfway up the cannon and opened a thick hatch that looked a bit like the door to a safe. "This is the breech. It can take ten litres of just about anything, as long as it's not completely liquid or too heavy. We've fired water bombs on a few occasions but they don't go well, most break, but it goes off brilliantly with flour bombs."
"Cool!"
"Yeah, but mostly we use it for lolly scrambles and mystery prizes. We don't actually shoot out the prizes, just little balls of paper with the prizes written on them."
"What about food?" asked Randy. "Like a great dollop of custard or something?"
The man laughed. "We don't do food. But we once did potato peelings."
"Yeah?"
The man chuckled. "It was a business seminar thing - weird bunch. They were all told that it was loaded with fivers. You should have seen them go after it!"
"Until they found out what it was, huh?"
"Yeah. Anyway you load it here, packing the stuff in evenly but not too tightly, then close it up, lock the handle, then if the pressure tank is already primed you just hit the release here." He batted at a big red handle.
"It's not loaded now though, is it?" asked Piho.
"Oh no, not till everything's ready... "
They were interrupted by one of the gofers who had come jogging up, looking distinctly annoyed with the boys. "Come on, you guys! It's your call!"
"Oops!" said Piho. "Gotta go! Thanks, cannon-dude."
"Yeah, see ya!" echoed Randy.
They jumped down from the trailer and trotted after the gofer. Their work had begun.
#
DUNK A TEACHER: $2 A POP!
IT WAS A MUCH CLASSIER sign than the ones they had yesterday. This one had been painted by a professional artist in a sideshow style. In fact the whole thing was pretty impressive. There was a large tank of green goop on the right-hand side, and above it was the victim's chair on the end of a kind of diving board sticking out from the back frame. On the other side was a huge dartboard with a hole in the middle, and in the hole was an inflated balloon.
"I get it," said Piho after a quick glance. "You throw a dart, pop the balloon, and down goes the board."
"Yeah, but come on!" sneered Randy. "It's pretty hard to believe that a couple of kids like us could have made this whole thing!"
Piho shrugged and pulled a face. 'It's just TV, man, not real life."
By lunchtime the crew had filmed the following: the boys at their stall; close-up on the sign; dart hitting balloon; diving board collapsing; teachers landing in gloop; enthusiastic kids clamouring for a throw; enthusiastic kids throwing darts; and Randy and Piho making money like crazy. (It was real money, but they had to give it all back. That sucked.)
Also by lunchtime a huge crowd of locals had gathered. It seemed as if half the town was there. The whole of Kainui High School, anyway. The boys' parents were there. Beau was there. (She got to be one of the dart-throwers.) Tammy was there. Barry Boyd was there. The local cop was there. Even the fire brigade was there.
And they were all gawking and gaping and being a nuisance sometimes, but generally they were all very co-operative and some of them even got to be in the crowd scenes. Then Dexter set up the final shot involving the boys. The camera was loaded onto the crane thing and everyone was invited to be part of the crowd scene. All they had to do was mill around and look happy and not look at the camera! Shot started on the crowd, the crane came down, camera turned and zeroed in on the boys at their stall. Easy idea. It took five takes.
"Thank you." called Dexter. "You were beautiful! We're breaking for lunch now but please stay for this afternoon. I need you all for the final big scenes. Thank you. Enjoy the fair! Everything's free!" The crowd cheered and Randy suspected that the camera was still rolling. Just the sort of trick Dexter would pull.
The actors and crew then trooped off to the cafeteria behind the grandstand where Katie's Kake Kitchen had been busy again. "Good work, boys," Dexter said, plonking his big meaty hands on the boys’ shoulders as they walked along with the crew. "Now, after lunch you get changed and relax. I'm all done with you until tomorrow."
"Tomorrow!?"
"For the final scene, you know: the rugby team; they run in; the ... Hey Jackie..." and he was off talking to someone else.
"Sheesh!" said Piho tiredly to Randy, "Is this ever going to end?"
"Think of the money, man, think of the money."
After lunch the camera people stuck the camera onto the crane thing again and Dexter began organising everyone for the last few crowd shots. Once they were busy Randy and Piho sauntered off unnoticed to the edge of the throng and watched to make sure the three crims were in the scene.
"There they are," said Piho, pointing to the Wardrobe truck. Sure enough the city thugs were coming out, two dressed as sideshow-types with leather caps, rolled up sleeves and big belts, and the third was carrying a guitar and seemed to be done out as some sort of busker. They were heading towards the make-up truck.
"Right," growled Randy. "It’s show-time!"
The two boys scuttled off with many a backwards glance to make sure they were not seen, and soon they were crouched in the pine trees at the edge of the camping ground with a steaming sackful of very sloppy manure.
"All clear," whispered Randy, and they scuttled forwards. Reached the van and the scruffy old tent. They looked around one more time. All clear. Slop! The first handful went through the open van window. Slop, slop, slop! In went some more.
They put it in the cooking pots, in the chilly bin, in the tent, in the sleeping bags, into a backpack, and even into a half-finished packet of biscuits they found in the backpack. Then Randy got adventurous and began writing REVENGE! in huge letters on the side of the van.
Piho was getting nervous. "C'mon, man. Forget that! Let's get outta here."
"Won't be a minute, won't be a minute!" Randy kept saying, but he was taking a terribly long time to get it done.
Meanwhile Piho was gazing into the front of the van, trying to think where else to slop some dung. Suddenly he said, "Hey, look at this!" He reached in and pulled something out from the van's open glove-box. It was a length of chain. Randy stopped and looked at it.
"That looks like the chain off our honesty box!"
"Sure as hell is!" Piho pulled further. The honesty box came out too. "Evidence!"
"We could actually get them arrested!"
"Excellent! Bring it with us."
"No, it should stay here!"
"But they might chuck it away."
"Not if we act fast."
"What d'ya mean?"
"I mean we go to the police right now."
"But what about all this?" Randy gestured to the splat-job.
"We didn't do it." shrugged Piho, innocently.
"Okay. I'll just finish this." Randy had got as far 'REVEN-'.
"Oh geez! Come on, man!" Piho grabbed a splop of Randy's 'paint' and quickly finished the word: REVENJ!
"Aww-uh! You did it wrong!" whined Randy, looking around for something to wipe off the 'J'. What he saw instead was someone coming from the camp-ground toilets. And it was not just anyone either, it was quite specifically the big guy with the throat tattoos! Why the hell was he back so early!?
“Oh crap.” said Randy, even as he was spotted.
"Oh crap!" echoed Piho. He dropped the chain and ran.
Randy paused to grab the manure bag and went after his mate. It didn't weigh much, being half-empty now, but after thirty seconds of running Randy began to regret his decision. Still – it was evidence that might get smeared against him. He was not leaving it behind!
They ran back towards the showgrounds, through the little pine plantation and past the spot were they had hidden the bag earlier, on and on towards the film set and the crowds of people and the tents and most importantly the town cop. Behind them came the city thug and he looked really mad. Randy glanced back, wondering why the guy was still so far behind, thinking maybe he had stopped for something.
Yup: he had a baseball bat. And he wasn't running directly after them but was off on an angle, trying to cut them off from the film set and safety.
The dude wasn't human! He was a sheep-dog!
"Piho!" Randy called ahead. "Go right!"
They ran around the back of the set, hoping to lose their pursuer amongst the parked trucks and cars, but the cunning thug kept his position, driving them further and further away from safety. Piho stopped and waited for Randy behind a big truck.
"Back!" he whispered, gesturing urgently. They doubled back to another big truck and stopped, breathing hard.
"I think we've lost him," gasped Randy.
"Yeah, but he's still between us and everyone else, including our friendly local policeman," puffed Piho.
"Last month you were calling him the local pig!"
"Last month I wasn't being chased by a big thug with a baseball bat!" snapped Piho, getting down carefully to look under the truck. "Right, that way."
They moved sideways, peeking under the vehicles now and again to try and spot where their pursuer was. Then the other guy got the same idea.
'Argh!" said Piho suddenly, popping up from looking under a van. "Back!"
They ran again, but now they were rapidly running out of parked vehicles to hide behind. In fact the last bit of cover they had was the Kiwi Klub Fun Cannon.
They got behind it. Piho looked back. "Quick: up!"
"Good idea." They got up. "Hey, look at this pressure gauge," said Randy immediately.
"Yeah? So?"
"It's loaded."
"So?"
"So don't touch that red lever there or boom!"
"Okay, okay, keep your voice down. Where is he now?" Piho peeped around the edge of the cannon and quickly pulled back.
"See him?" whispered Randy.
"Yeah, straight down towards the main set."
"What's he doing?"
"I think he's going back to get his mates."
"Oh geez!" Randy slumped back, nearly setting off the cannon on that same red lever. "Oops!" he said, straightening himself up again.
"Keep it down!" hissed Piho. "I'm thinking."
"Hey; why don't we – " he began, but Piho cut him off.
"I've got it!" Piho slapped the cannon with a poopy hand. "We'll use this! Once they start coming back – pow! We blow them away!"
"With lollies and confetti?"
"Just to blind 'em for a bit, you know; like the old sand-in-the-face trick?"
Randy looked around for somewhere to put the sack. "Yeah, good, but why don't we just ..."
"Quit it, will ya?" snapped Piho. "It's dripping on my shoes!"
"Sorry," said Randy, lifting the sack up again, "but I was thinking maybe we should – "
"Hey!" said Piho suddenly, his eyes lighting up, "Yes! You genius!"
And before Randy could say another word Piho wrenched up the locking lever and heaved the hatch open. Inside the breech space were about ten fat brown paper bags, presumably full of lollies and confetti, and Piho clawed a few of them out.
Randy was puzzled. "Whatcha doing?"
"Quick, quick, quick!" urged Piho, in a sort of manic frenzy, and he snatched the sack from Randy and shoved it into the available space.
"Hey, hang on ..." Randy's words were drowned out as Piho slammed the hatch shut. Randy figured everyone in the showgrounds must have heard it, which was almost exactly what his idea had been anyway, so he looked around the cannon to see if anyone had.
Fifty metres away the big crowd scene was in full rehearsal. "Yay!" went the crowd, throwing their hands in the air.
'Again!" boomed Dexter through his megaphone.
"Yay!"
Damn. No way had they heard anything, and what was worse was that the three thugs were coming straight at him, looking extremely annoyed, and it looked like they knew exactly where he and Piho were, and they each had some sort of weapon, now.
"Uh-oh!" said Randy.
"What?" said Piho, looking around and muttering, "How the hell do you aim this friggin' thing anyway?"
"They're coming!" Randy pulled back abruptly and bumped into Piho, who threw out a hand to stop himself falling right off the platform, and the only thing left to grab was the firing lever ...