chapter 3
Myths About Obsessive Love
Romantic love vs. obsessive love
Differences between obsessive compulsive disorder and obsessive love
Possible outcomes of obsessive love relationships
Love as a tool to fix your partner
Do you believe love must be intense and all-consuming to be “real”? Do you believe if someone is jealous it’s a sign of how much he loves you? Do you think there is no hope for a relationship with someone who is obsessed?
These questions represent just some of the many myths surrounding obsessive love. In this chapter, we will address some common myths, misunderstandings, and misconceptions about obsessive love.
Obsessive Love Is Passionate Love
Myth: Obsessive love is no more than an intense passion, much like what we see in the movies.
We want romance. We want to be swept off our feet. We want to feel the exhilaration and excitement of new love. And we want it to last forever, just like in the movies.
From the time you were little, you heard stories of intense, romantic relationships. Cinderella and Snow White found true, everlasting love at first sight. Of course, Prince Charming was rather obsessive. After meeting Cinderella for just one hour, he used all his resources (and he had many resources) to go door to door throughout the kingdom, searching for her. By today’s standards, this is excessive and obsessive. But as you watch the movie, you see romance and passion, not obsession.
And so it goes with many movies, books, and stories that have fascinated us for years—such as The Phantom of the Opera and Romeo and Juliet. As an intelligent adult, you know these stories are unrealistic. Even so, you crave the powerful feelings that come with passionate, romantic love.
Although we think of Romeo and Juliet as adults, making adult decisions about life and love, Juliet was 13 years old in the play. We are never given Romeo’s age, but it is assumed he was no more than a few years older. In movies and in plays around the world, Romeo and Juliet are attributed with mature love, when in fact, this is a story of young love.
Rose was ready for a relationship. She was 24 and hadn’t yet had a serious love affair. She had dated off and on, but nothing ever developed into something long term. The longest relationship had been for six months with Harry. Usually, Rose got bored. She loved how she would feel when she first met someone. It was intense and exciting. She would wake up thinking about her new boyfriend and couldn’t wait to talk to him. She thought about him all day. But each time, as the relationship became more practical—both partners getting up early to go to work and going to the same old family commitments on weekends—Rose got bored. Everyday love wasn’t good enough for Rose. She wanted fireworks.
When love does come along, you might feel the excitement, the thrill of new love. But as love matures, the exhilaration gives way to a deep emotional bond, and the excitement mellows to being comfortable with one another. Is this enough? Are you satisfied with the feelings of mature love? You might not be. You might constantly seek the intensity of new love. Jealousy, possessiveness, and the intensity of obsessive love might draw you in, giving you the feeling of the passion you see on the movie screen. Anything less feels boring.
Healthy love relationships go through stages. In the beginning it is characterized by intensity and passion. But as love grows, a different type of relationship develops, one with trust and respect for one another. Passion doesn’t disappear, but will be toned down.
As you begin a new relationship, think about what you want and what is realistic. Are you reaching for a relationship based on what you see in the movies? Or are you searching for true love, love that isn’t measured by fireworks and intensity but by a deep feeling for one another?
Communication is essential to any good relationship. Both partners need to feel comfortable and secure expressing opinions and sharing feelings. Trust and respect are built through talking honestly about your wants, desires, and wishes.
Be involved in each other’s lives, but be aware of the difference between being involved and being obsessed. You want to show your interest in what your partner is doing. Ask questions about his job and hobbies, expressing genuine interest. Find interests and hobbies you both share.
As much as you want to share interests with your partner and spend time with him, don’t give up your own life to do so. Keep in touch with friends and explore your own interests. These experiences help you bring outside interests into the relationship, and keep you stimulated and interesting to your partner.
Your relationship doesn’t have to be a fairy tale to be successful. Base your relationship on good communication, mutual respect, and trust. If you can accomplish that, the intensity of your love will continue to grow.
Don’t be afraid of conflict. Learning to resolve conflicts strengthens relationships. If both partners respect the other’s opinion and actively listen, conflicts can bring you closer. Here are some tips for resolving conflicts with respect:
• Use “I” statements to express how you feel instead of starting with “you” which can sound like an accusation.
• Stick to discussing the current issue. Don’t rehash old arguments.
• Avoid calling names or insulting each other.
• Look at your partner when talking to him.
• Set up a time to talk when both partners are prepared to work on finding a solution to the problem.
Obsessive Love vs. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Myth: Obsessive love is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder.
Obsessive love is not a type of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is a mental disorder. An obsession as it relates to OCD is an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind. A compulsion is a repeated action or ritual that is done in order to alleviate the obsessive thought. Here’s a common example of OCD behavior:
Jed was ready to go to bed. He checked the front door; it was locked. He checked the stove; it was off. He made sure all the lights were turned off. He did this every night just before bedtime. As he was brushing his teeth, he began to wonder if the front door was locked. He knew he had checked it, but couldn’t stop worrying. He went through his ritual again, checking the door, the stove, the lights. Everything was as it should be. He still couldn’t stop the thoughts and before he finally got into bed, he had checked everything 10 additional times. Jed knew his thoughts were irrational. He knew, logically, that he had checked everything and everything was okay. Even so, his obsessions still haunted him. Each night he checked everything a minimum of 10 times—sometimes more than 20. His obsessions robbed him of a good night’s sleep, and made him tired the next day at work.
With OCD, you know the thoughts are irrational but feel helpless to stop them. Besides thoughts or ideas, obsessions can be images or inappropriate impulses or behaviors. They probably interfere with your life and cause you additional anxiety.
When you are obsessed with a person, you have an insatiable need to know what the person is doing and with whom they are doing it. You need constant reassurance of their love. True, these obsessions can be intrusive and can affect your job or other relationships. But one major difference between the obsessions of OCD and the obsessions of obsessive love is that the obsessive lover is not always aware that these thoughts are irrational. Usually, he doesn’t realize how his behaviors, as a result of his obsession, might be alarming to the other person. He justifies his behavior because he believes it’s perfectly rational.
Another difference is that there are no compulsions or rituals the obsessive lover completes in order to rid himself of the obsession. Many obsessive lovers do engage in certain behaviors, such as constant texting or phoning their partner, but these are not rituals or compulsive actions like those who suffer from OCD.
Someone with OCD can have the same thought over and over, and it may seem to come from insecurity within a relationship. For example, you might wonder, “Do I make her happy?” and not be able to shake the thought. Your partner might repeatedly ask, “Do you love me?” This type of behavior is caused by obsessive compulsive disorder but could be easily confused with obsessive love.
Someone with obsessive love is not obsessed with a thought, but with a person. It is not an inability to overcome an obsessive thought, but the fear of rejection, that drives obsessive love.
Obsessive Love Relationships and Danger
Myth: Obsessive love relationships are never dangerous. They can be smothering but there is no physical danger.
Most obsessive love relationships are not dangerous. The partner of the obsessive lover might feel trapped or isolated, but most of the time, there is no threat of physical danger. Sometimes, however, obsessive lovers cross the line.
There have been plenty of stories about obsessive love that turned dangerous. For example, The Denver Post, on February 20, 2009, reported the murder of Amber Cremeens, who was stalked by a previous boyfriend, Tyler James Martin. According to the paper, Amber had been stalked for several years, moving to Kansas City then Denver to get away from Martin, who continued to follow her. While Amber was moving to a secret residence with the help of her new boyfriend, Martin was in Colorado, talking to friends about reuniting with the love of his life. On a Tuesday night in February, Amber’s new boyfriend received a frantic phone call. Amber told him that Martin was trying to run her off the road as she drove home from a local gym. She told him the license plate of the car chasing her, which matched Martin’s car. Her boyfriend immediately called 911, but by the time police arrived, Amber had been shot and killed. Several days later, according to The Rocky Mountain News, Tyler James Martin barricaded himself in a relative’s home in Chicago and shot himself.
We often hear on the news about someone’s current- or ex-partner attacking or killing her. These types of news stories are scary and paint a bleak picture of obsessive love. And indeed, sometimes there is a reason to leave—and leave quickly. Some studies have shown a correlation between jealousy and the potential for violence in a relationship. If you feel you are in danger in your relationship, you should seek help immediately.
Obsessive Love and Violence
Myth: All obsessive love relationships include physical violence.
On the flip side is the mistaken belief that all obsessive love relationships become violent. Just as it is not true that there is never any danger, it is also not true that all obsessive relationships end in violence. Most obsessive love relationships are difficult. One partner feels he loves more intensely than the other, and needs to hold on to the relationship despite the consequences.
Case Study: Marissa and Brandon
Marissa and Brandon dated for several months before moving in together. Marissa hadn’t been sure if she was ready, but Brandon had seemed so sure—and she did love him—so, in the end, she agreed. Brandon had always been jealous. Marissa thought this would go away when she moved in, but he became even more possessive. He wanted her to quit her job so he could take care of her. He complained when she went to see her family. He talked about her friends negatively. Additionally, Brandon found fault in everything she did, so she tried harder to make him happy.
After two years of living with Brandon, Marissa felt alone and lonely. She was sure she had made a mistake moving in with him. She wanted to leave but was worried about how Brandon would react. She finally got up the nerve and, one day while he was at work, Marissa packed up and left. Brandon spent months trying to get her back. He called, he followed her, he sent her flowers. At first Marissa would talk to Brandon, trying to explain why she left, but after a few times she stopped answering his calls and refused delivery of the flowers. It took months but Brandon finally stopped calling. The last Marissa heard, Brandon had begun a new relationship. She felt sorry for the next girl, but hoped Brandon had learned from his experience and would be different this time. Still, she’s glad it isn’t her and that the relationship is over.
These relationships are usually dysfunctional. Many end because, as the partner of an obsessive lover, you become tired of possessive, controlling behavior. You eventually want out of the relationship so you may regain your freedom and life. Sometimes the obsessive lover becomes more frantic when the relationship ends and might harass or follow you, trying to revive your love.
An obsessive lover sees his behaviors as justified, not as criminal or hurtful. He is sure that, if he could just talk to you again, you would see that you were meant to be together. The constant calling, the texting, showing up at your job, sending gifts—it’s all meant to woo you back. Many obsessive lovers might be shocked to realize that their behavior could be considered stalking. He’s sure all of this is part of the relationship and his actions never reach a level of physical violence.
Love Addiction
Myth: Love addiction is the same as obsessive love.
Love addiction refers to being addicted to the feeling of being in love. There are some similarities between love addiction and obsessive love. In both, you may …
• Fantasize about spending the rest of your life with someone you just met.
• Have a hard time letting go of relationships.
• Behave in ways that smother your partner.
• Experience an intense initial physical attraction.
• Have a fear of abandonment or rejection.
However, even though there are some similar behaviors, the love addict feels incomplete when not in a relationship. As soon as one relationship ends or is nearing the end, the love addict seeks out a new relationship. She may begin a series of affairs, moving quickly in and out of relationships, or become addicted to sex. As someone with a love addiction, your sense of self becomes stifled. Your measure of self-worth is based on whether you are in a relationship, which makes you dependent on your partner. Without him, you feel useless. Who the partner is does not matter as much as having a partner.
Love addiction is a progressive illness characterized by being addicted to romantic relationships. Love is used as a way to fill an emotional need and provide stability, much as a drug addict uses drugs and an alcoholic uses alcohol. As with other addicts, the love addict will use manipulative methods to attract a partner and will often move from relationship to relationship or from sexual encounter to sexual encounter. Twelve-step programs, such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, can help someone overcome love addiction.
Becky felt hopeless in between relationships. Her last relationship, with Jim, ended badly. She had felt the relationship was going nowhere—that Jim was getting ready to leave her—so she started an affair with a co-worker, David. Once Jim found out, he left. Becky immediately became obsessed with David, but he didn’t want more than a casual fling. Becky was lost. Jim was gone and David only wanted to get together once in a while—and just for sex. Out of a desperate need to be part of a couple, Becky began hanging out at singles bars. She had a succession of one-night stands, quickly becoming infatuated with each one, but most of the men didn’t want anything more than sex from her. She would tightly cling to anyone who showed her some attention.
Becky, like many people addicted to love, wanted acceptance and the safety and security a relationship brings. But her fear of being alone made her hold on to any hope of a relationship, and her neediness often drove away potential partners.
The fear of rejection and abandonment drives the behaviors of both obsessive lovers and love addicts. Those behaviors, however, are different. In an obsessive love relationship the rejected partner holds on and is not able to let go, sometimes going to the extreme of stalking someone once the relationship has ended. In love addiction, the addict quickly seeks out a new relationship to fill the void.
Fixing Your Partner
Myth: With enough love, you can fix your partner’s jealousy and possessiveness, and drive away his insecurities.
When you fall in love, you fall in love with the whole person—good, bad, and otherwise. In the beginning you are sure that, together, you can overcome any adversity. You can help him through anything. When you learn about his troubled childhood, you feel badly for him. It helps explain his insecurity and his jealousy. You want to help him and you know, if you love him enough, you can fix him. You can love him enough so he won’t be jealous. You can love him enough that he can overcome his past.
In healthy relationships, both partners help and support one another. This is different than wanting to “fix” someone with your love. If you want to help your partner, think about your motives. Are you trying to solve your partner’s problems or are you offering him support as he works to solve his own problems?
A good example of this is to imagine your partner is looking for a job. You offer your support by editing his resumé, dropping inquiries in the mailbox, taking messages from prospective employers, and staying positive and supportive; but you don’t fill out applications or attend the interviews. You offer your support, but you can’t do it for him. It’s the same in other aspects of your lives: offer your support without enabling him.
Wendy met Charlie through a friend. They were instantly attracted to each other and started dating. Charlie told Wendy that his parents had divorced when he was three and he never saw his father again. His mother worked two jobs to pay the bills and he rarely saw her. From the time he was in elementary school, Charlie came home from school to an empty house. Dinner was usually waiting for him in the refrigerator. He ate, did his homework sometimes, and then watched television and played video games. By the time his mother got home, he was asleep. On weekends, she stayed in bed, trying to catch up on sleep. She never attended any school functions or even asked about his schoolwork. He knew she was working to help him, but the reality was, he had no adult in his life from an early age. He was left on his own; what’s more, he never had the chance to see how a married couple acted together.
Wendy felt bad for Charlie: he never understood why his father left and never returned. He never understood why his mother couldn’t make some time for him. He felt abandoned by both his parents. Wendy knew Charlie hurt, and that made him jealous and possessive. He was afraid of losing her like he had lost his parents. She was sure, if she loved him enough, he would get over the pain of his childhood.
As children, we form our identities based on the people most important to us, usually Mom and Dad. When those people reject us, we feel we are unlovable, of little value to anyone. We create this as our identity and it influences all our future relationships. In healthy love, both partners have self-respect and self-love, as well as respect and love for the other person. If you have a fear of rejection or are dealing with an unhealthy self-image, you may want to work with a therapist on finding ways to improve your self-esteem. It isn’t until you are able to love yourself that you can love your partner.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You, as the partner of an obsessive lover, cannot make up for the past and make everything better with love. Because the jealousy, possessiveness, and obsessiveness are caused by events and situations dating to his childhood, your obsessive partner will need to face his past and understand that rejection and abandonment issues are controlling his adult life. You can’t love him enough, because love is not the solution. Your obsessive lover needs to face the situations that caused his fears and learn that he is lovable and deserves love. You cannot teach him that, no matter how much you love him.
Obsessive Love Treatment
Myth: There is no treatment for obsessive love and obsessive love relationships are hopeless.
It is true there is no pill to take, no diet to follow, and no medical intervention that will cure obsessive love. As an obsessive lover, you need to hold on to your relationship, but your partner keeps telling you that you are smothering her. You might feel your life is out of control. The pain and fear of rejection is driving every decision you make and, most of the time, you feel as if your life is falling apart. You want help, but help for what? For being jealous? For not wanting to let go of love?
There is help. Obsessive lovers can overcome their fear of rejection and abandonment. They can learn how to develop healthy love relationships. It isn’t easy, but it can be done. In Part 4, we’ll talk about different types of therapy and counseling as well as what types of issues you can work on during your therapy sessions. We’ll also talk about ways you can help yourself.
There is help for both partners in an obsessive love relationship. It is a long process, not a quick fix. It is a journey into finding yourself, facing your past and your pain, and learning how to love. Some obsessive love relationships probably aren’t worth fixing, but the right one will flourish with some guidance and help. Not all obsessive love relationships are doomed. Whether your relationship is hopeless, or able to be helped, is up to you and your partner.
Essential Takeaways
• Society and culture confuse passionate, romantic love with obsessive love.
• Even though both share the word obsessive, obsessive compulsive disorder is much different than obsessive love.
• Most obsessive love relationships end without violence.
• Obsessive lovers can be helped through therapy and can learn to develop healthy love relationships.