chapter 5
Obsessive Behaviors
Are you possessive? A quiz to find out
What does harassment include?
Self-help tips to reduce controlling behaviors
Possessive behavior can be one of the biggest problems in relationships. When you are too possessive it shows a lack of trust and usually leads to acting controlling toward your partner. Possessive behaviors are intended to maintain a relationship, but usually end up backfiring. As an obsessive lover, you probably aren’t even aware of how your behaviors make your partner feel smothered. You believe possessiveness will give you what you want, an everlasting relationship, but usually, you end up with the opposite—your partner leaving.
Possessiveness Quiz
Think about how you would react to the following situations.
You’re at a party and your partner is sitting across the room. Her ex sits down next to her and they start talking and laughing together. What would you do?
a. Go over, ask your partner if she wants a drink or something to eat, and give her a kiss, making sure her ex gets the message that she is with you.
b. Storm over and interrupt to make sure she knows you are angry, and her ex knows you don’t want him speaking to her.
c. Continue socializing and enjoying the party. Whether or not this worries you, you trust your partner to tell you what happened later if it’s important.
You have a date planned but at the last minute your partner calls and says she isn’t feeling well and needs to cancel. What would you do?
a. Tell your partner you hope she feels better and that you will call tomorrow.
b. Drive by her house to see if she is really home.
c. Tell your partner you hope she feels better and then call some friends to make other plans.
You and your partner are attending a party at a friend’s house. What would you do?
a. Mingle with other people, but check on your partner throughout the night, making sure you know where she is most of the time.
b. Stick close by your partner. You want to know who she’s talking to and make sure everyone knows she is with you.
c. Mingle with friends while your partner mingles with her friends. You find each other once in a while, but you know you can trust each other and that you’ll leave together.
As an obsessive lover, you frequently make mountains out of molehills. For example, if your partner is speaking quietly to another guest at a party, you might become enraged, thinking she is whispering secrets, rather than assuming she is just talking with a friend. You might have self-control and let your partner know how you feel later or you might barge into the conversation, telling your partner you need to talk to her alone, then letting your partner know they don’t need to talk to anyone but you.
Your partner is out for the evening with friends. You weren’t invited. What would you do?
a. Follow your partner to find out where she is going and who she is with, without letting her see you.
b. Spend the evening worrying that your partner is cheating or might meet someone when she is out.
c. Make plans to hang out with your friends.
Your partner left her cell phone sitting on the table. It looks like she has received several text messages. What would you do?
a. As soon as your partner returns, mention the texts and try to get her to explain who they were from.
b. Check your partner’s phone and read the texts. While you have her phone, you check recent calls as well.
c. Do nothing; you get texts from friends and you assume she does as well.
You and your partner will be attending a family wedding. It is the first time your partner is meeting your family. What would you do?
a. You check out the outfit your partner bought to make sure you like it before going to the wedding.
b. You go with your partner to buy a dress. You want to make sure she looks amazing when she meets your family.
c. You don’t need to see what your partner will be wearing—she always looks amazing.
If you have answered mostly:
a. You might not be all the way to obsessive yet, but there are some definite warning signs. It is time to keep your possessiveness under control before it does serious damage to your relationship.
b. You are showing obsessiveness in your relationship. It’s time to work on your own insecurities and self-esteem. Your level of possessiveness could put your relationship in danger.
c. You trust your partner and are not at all possessive.
If you are possessive, you might use your love as an excuse for your actions, saying “I just love you so much, I can’t bear to be away from you.” Love, however, does not include jealousy or controlling actions.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a negative reaction to losing, or the fear of losing, someone to another person. When you are jealous, it signifies insecurity and a lack of trust in your partner. Jealousy is a major problem within relationships and is the cause of many breakups.
It is hard to hide jealousy or keep it under control. Not saying how you feel, especially as your emotions grow into obsessions, can make you feel like you are going crazy. But keeping your jealousy under control is critical to creating a satisfying relationship for you and your partner. Your jealousy probably takes over your thoughts, even when you don’t want it to. Your partner probably gets upset that you don’t trust her.
Accept that your jealousy is your problem and is caused by your own internal conflicts, not by anything your partner has done. Improving your self-confidence can help you feel more secure with yourself and improve your relationship. Chapter 12 provides tools for improving your self-image.
Adam’s jealousy would crop up for no apparent reason. Each time, he would feel guilty afterward; he wanted so much to trust Carla, but he felt nagging doubts in the back of his mind and once these thoughts took hold, he couldn’t stop them. One day they were in his car, on their way to meet some friends for dinner. As usual, Adam was driving and Carla was looking out the side window as they passed some road construction. One of the workers looked up and met Carla’s gaze. Adam suddenly became suspicious. He began accusing Carla of being attracted to the construction worker, “You want to be with him, don’t you?” Carla didn’t know where this sudden jealousy had come from or why, but she was tired of Adam constantly accusing her of having affairs with friends, co-workers, or even men she looked at.
Adam and Carla fought the rest of the way to the restaurant. Adam continued to accuse Carla of wanting other men and she kept getting angrier until she threatened to leave him if he couldn’t trust her. By the time they arrived and met their friends, Adam was sorry he had acted rashly. He hopped out of the car to open Carla’s door and acted especially attentive and apologetic the rest of the night. That was pretty much how their life seemed to go: they’d be calm, getting along well, then Adam’s jealousy would pop up out of nowhere and he would accuse her of cheating, of wanting to cheat, or of being interested in someone she didn’t even know. Carla would try to reason with him, he’d remain jealous, and then she would get mad. Finally Adam would feel guilty and act overly kind. Then they would start all over. Carla wasn’t sure how much longer she could continue the cycle and how much longer she wanted to be with someone who didn’t trust her.
The following provides you with some ways to begin improving your relationship by keeping your jealousy under control.
• Think about what triggers your jealous thoughts or behaviors. Do you get jealous most often when you are in a particular situation, like a party or social event? Do you become jealous if your partner speaks with someone of the opposite sex? Knowing what situations cause jealous feelings can help you be more prepared.
• Come up with coping strategies for the situations where jealousy is most likely to occur. You might want to write down some simple phrases to repeat to yourself when you notice jealous feelings beginning. You might say, “I know she loves me. Talking to someone else does not mean she is interested. I respect her and trust her.”
• Lower your expectations as to how much time your partner needs to spend with you. Unrealistic expectations will not be fulfilled and will lead to negative feelings. Certainly you and your partner want to spend time together and do things together. But you don’t need to spend every minute together. Time spent individually is just as important as togetherness. For example, count the number of hours per week or per day and set a lower limit for time together. Slowly wean yourself from trying to absorb every minute of your partner’s life—set goals for other things to do or other people to be with.
• Stay positive. Jealousy is based on fear. Instead of focusing on negative possibilities, focus on the good in your relationship. Focusing on thoughts or feelings of jealousy may undo your relationship and you can end up with nobody. Train yourself to think of what you enjoy with your partner. Write down the reasons you should trust her so you can refer to them when you feel overwhelmed.
• Think about the person you are jealous of. Has this person done anything to deserve your suspicions? Do they deserve your trust or your lack of trust? Look for explanations that are factual.
• Talk about your jealous feelings with your partner only when you are alone and calm. If you discuss your feelings in public or when emotional, you will cause more problems. Keep your mouth closed until you can openly discuss your feelings, and be willing to listen to how your jealousy makes your partner feel.
A study published in the CyberPsychology & Behavior Journal showed that extensive use of Facebook actually increased feelings of jealousy. The accessibility of information, the ability to study a partner’s profile, knowing each time a person of the opposite sex was added to the friends list, and misunderstandings about a posted status all contributed to feelings of jealousy.
Sometimes, jealousy occurs because of past infidelity, in either your current relationship or a previous one. If it was in your current relationship, you will need to decide whether you want to stay. If you do, it will take time to overcome the hurt, but continual accusations will not help. If you keep thinking or saying, “I can’t get over this,” that indicates that you need to either get help to accept what has already happened, or just end the relationship because it will be a constant source of conflict. You are programming yourself to stay stuck in that feeling. If your jealousy arises from a previous relationship, you will need to continue to remind yourself that your current partner has done nothing to cause your mistrust and not continue to take previous hurts out on your current partner. You may find that you need the help of a counselor if you want to get over this.
Control
Control is much harder to explain than jealousy. Controlling actions can vary widely and can range from subtle—where a partner doesn’t realize she is being controlled—to obvious—where a partner seems to accept the control. Usually, controlling actions are somewhere in between. Often the obsessive partner denies he is controlling. “I’m only trying to help.” Some examples of controlling behaviors include:
• Time. You continually make your partner wait for you. It might be waiting to go to bed, waiting to leave for a social event, or waiting for him to complete a task or chore. This is used as a way to say, “I am more important than you.” It is meant to make the partner feel inferior.
• Resources. Money means freedom and if you are controlling, you need to control the money. You can’t let your partner have unlimited resources that would enable her to leave. Some partners dole out an “allowance” to their partners or make them ask and explain why they need money. Others use money as a “reward,” doling out financial favors when their partner does what they want.
• Verbal or body language. You might control your partner through actions or words, making sure she is afraid of getting you angry if she steps out of line. This might include refusing to speak to her if she goes out with friends, walking away when she wants to talk, or sulking or pouting when she does something you don’t want her to do.
• Making her responsible for your actions. You can control someone by changing the circumstances to fit your needs. You blame your partner for your actions. For example, if you get upset when she goes out with friends, you might say, “If you didn’t insist on going out without me, I wouldn’t get mad.” You are making her responsible for keeping you calm, keeping your emotions under control.
• Put-downs. You need to make sure your partner understands that you are better than her, you’re the boss. In order to do so, you need to put her in her place. You might tell her she has gained weight, she is stupid, or she doesn’t understand complicated things.
• Power plays. This type of behavior is used to make sure your partner knows you are in control. All controlling behavior is a type of power play, but some is specifically meant to create a sense of dominance, such as demanding or withholding sex.
Controlling behaviors are used to keep your partner dependent on you for money, for freedom, or for self-esteem. By controlling your partner, you feel you can keep her in the relationship. But you can’t control how someone feels, no matter what you do. Controlling behaviors may work in the short term. You might get what you want—a partner who’s afraid to leave or doesn’t have the resources to—but in the end, you create an unhappy and unsatisfying relationship for both of you.
If you see yourself in some of the above examples, the following suggestions might help you curb your obsessive, controlling behaviors. Think about the reasons you want to be controlling. Most people are controlling because they fear losing something or someone. They fear the unknown. What is it you fear?
Keep a journal of your thoughts. Some of the questions you should answer are:
• When do you feel the need to be controlling?
• How does being controlling help you?
• How does it hurt you and the other people in your life?
• What triggers your controlling behaviors?
• Do certain situations cause you to act in controlling ways? Ask for help with this one. Friends and family will be able to point out controlling behaviors or times when you were controlling.
Once you understand why you are controlling, find alternative ways of looking at and responding to situations. For example, Ben began keeping track of his controlling behaviors. He wrote down:
Seeing Abby talking with another man bothers me. I start thinking that she is going to fall for him and I need to get her away. If I can’t get her away, I just get more and more angry until I can’t think of anything else. I usually storm over and stop Abby from talking to him and force her to include me in the conversation.
Abby is smart and confident and she chooses to be with me. I’m so happy that I’m the person she loves. But that doesn’t mean she cannot talk to anyone else. She can talk to another man without falling for him. I will work to remember this when I see her talking to someone else.
Changing your controlling behavior can feel overwhelming. Take one step at a time and focus on one behavior. Making several small changes can add up to large changes.
Ben wrote down his thoughts on a separate paper and kept it with him. If he saw Abby talking to another man, he took it out and read it to himself—repeatedly, if necessary. This helped Ben remember Abby could talk to someone else and still return to him. This exercise didn’t immediately make Ben less jealous or controlling, but it did help to give him something specific to do when his feelings of jealousy were taking over. Abby appreciated Ben’s efforts to overcome his controlling actions.
Withholding sex is a power play meant to shame and humiliate your partner. When you refuse to have sex, you are saying, “I will only give you sex if you do what I want,” or “You are not desirable.” It places the blame on your partner. Some obsessive partners demand sex as a “right,” showing their superiority in the relationship. They may harass or nag their partner to give them sex whenever they “need” it. Their partner feels used, not loved.
Harassment
We mostly think of harassment outside of a relationship, someone who is unable to accept “no” or a breakup, but harassment is seen within relationships as well. To an obsessive partner, even a few hours away can seem unbearable. Whether in or out of a relationship, harassing behaviors cause stress and your partner can pull back, resenting the lack of privacy and trust.
Phone Calls
Cell phones have become a part of our everyday life. We have the ability to instantly get in touch with friends, family, or anyone else we need no matter where we are or what we are doing. As an obsessive partner, a cell phone turns into your lifeline, especially when you are away from your partner. But cell phones can become intrusive.
Carl and Beth had been dating for six months. Beth’s job as a real estate agent required her to spend much of her time meeting potential clients out of the office. Carl accepted Beth’s job but admitted it made him nervous. He didn’t like the idea of Beth meeting other men throughout the day, especially at a house instead of in her office. Whenever Beth had an appointment, Carl would call. He usually told her it was because he was concerned for her safety, but Beth knew he was trying to find out what she was doing and who she was with.
When on appointments, it wasn’t unusual for Beth to receive between 5 and 10 phone calls from Carl. He would call to see if she wanted to meet after work for a drink, what movie she wanted to see, what restaurant she wanted to meet at, or he’d make up some other reason to call. At first, Beth would keep her phone on because she didn’t want to miss a call from a client, but after a few appointments when the phone didn’t stop ringing, she started turning it off. This drove Carl crazy and he would keep calling, over and over. One time, Beth had 20 missed calls when she turned her phone back on, all from Carl.
Beth tried repeatedly, unsuccessfully, to explain to Carl that his calls were interfering with her ability to do her job. But Carl didn’t listen. His insecurity about their relationship was more compelling than Beth’s needs.
He couldn’t stop calling. The more anxious he became, the more he called. The cycle continued until Beth couldn’t take it any more and eventually broke up with Carl.
Mail and the Internet
People don’t use snail mail, as it is now called, as often as e-mail anymore, but it’s still a way to stay in contact with someone from afar. Receiving letters or gifts in the mail can be romantic—unless you don’t want any contact with the sender. An obsessive lover uses these tactics to stay in touch, to let the receiver know he is still around and still thinking of her.
A study in CyberPsychology & Behavior Journal showed almost 20 percent of respondents continuously monitored their partners through Facebook and more than 10 percent of the respondents felt it was difficult to curb the amount of time they spent viewing their partner’s profile.
The Internet, e-mail, instant messaging, or social networking sites give you instant and continual access to your partner. Is it access to the partner or something else? Not only can you stay in touch throughout the day, you can check online to find out what your partner is doing and with whom. You look to see who your partner is interacting with, who has tagged them, who comments on their statuses. You look for “clues” and often jump to incorrect conclusions. You use this information to make accusations.
Even though the Internet lets you find out a great deal of information or cyber-follow someone, it’s still an intrusion into her privacy. A healthy relationship must balance openness with respect for privacy. As an obsessive lover, you probably have crossed the line at least once. With more open boundaries and blurred lines, you will need to be more aware of what makes your partner uncomfortable and how much contact is too much.
Drive-Bys
Your partner said she was tired and didn’t feel like going out tonight. You aren’t sure if she was telling the truth or whether it was an excuse. So you drive by her house to see if her car is there. You think it’s harmless. She won’t even know that you drove by and it will make you feel better.
Mike didn’t think it would be a problem to drive by Sharon’s house after she cancelled a date. She had said it had been a hard day at work and she just wanted to have a quick dinner and head off to bed. Mike wasn’t so sure. He thought she might be making up an excuse. Maybe she had a date with someone else. So he drove by. Sharon’s car was in the driveway. The lights were out in the house. It looked like she was asleep. So Mike left. But an hour later, he drove by again. The car was still in the driveway, the house still dark. Later that night, Mike took one more drive to check it out. Still the same.
Was Mike wrong? Did his actions really hurt Sharon if she never knew he’d driven by? Mike’s actions clearly show a lack of trust. Sharon had put her needs first; she was tired, and she needed a good night’s sleep. But Mike couldn’t accept Sharon’s explanation—and, even after driving by once and seeing for himself, he continued to go by and check. Even though Sharon didn’t know about the drive-bys, Mike invaded Sharon’s privacy.
When you don’t trust your partner, you are giving her the responsibility of proving her love. Since love is an emotion and can’t be proven, you are asking for the impossible. Trust can’t come from another person; it comes from feeling secure within yourself. If there is a lack of trust in your relationship, the first place to start is improving your own self-image.
Furthermore, hiding or not admitting actions that your partner would disapprove of is fundamentally dishonest. If Sharon knew, she would probably see Mike’s actions as creepy. It’s unnerving to know someone is watching or spying on you. Mike may not have emotionally hurt Sharon on that night, but chances are, his possessiveness shows up in other ways. Once Mike decided to drive by Sharon’s house, he may do it again and again, night after night, to help relieve his anxiety about their relationship. If Mike doesn’t believe Sharon’s explanation about being tired, he will question other things she does as well. After all, he is lying to her; it’s not inconceivable that she would lie to him.
Drive-bys in a relationship, such as Mike and Sharon’s, signal a problem. Rather than satisfying the need to know, the mistrust usually grows, despite finding evidence that nothing is going on. Drive-bys can also happen in imaginary relationships or after a relationship has ended. They are a way to be near the person or to stay aware of what she is doing. They can be part of harassment.
Unannounced Visits
As an obsessive lover, driving by your partner’s house might not even be enough. You might stop by their house or their job, even when not asked or not welcome. Your overwhelming need to see, be near, or talk to your partner pushes you to keep trying, despite objections. You believe that if you are persistent she will change her mind. If she sees how much you love her, she will love you back. Other times the excuse is “I just had to explain.”
Sam felt this way about Trish. They had been on a few dates, then Trish said she didn’t want to see Sam again. He didn’t understand; his feelings for Trish were so strong. He was sure she was “the one.” Sam tried calling and texting, but she never answered her phone or texted back. Sam thought, “If I could just show her how much I care, I know she will change her mind and give us another chance.”
Trish had met Sam at a restaurant on both dates and hadn’t invited him to her house. But Sam had done some research on the Internet; he knew where she lived and where she worked. At first he would drive by, taking note of what time she left for work and what time she got home. It never occurred to Sam that he was stalking Trish. Instead, in his mind he was getting to know her.
After he knew Trish’s schedule, he bought roses and stopped by her house one evening. Trish was surprised; she didn’t recall ever telling Sam where she lived. She politely explained to Sam that she thought he was nice, but she just wasn’t interested right now. Sam went home, remembering the words “nice” and “not right now.” He was sure Trish just needed a little time. He waited two weeks before showing up at her job to take her to lunch. Trish again told Sam she wasn’t interested, this time a little harsher. Sam still didn’t get the message; he just thought she might be having a hard day at work. The following week, he again brought her flowers at her home. This time, Trish told Sam not to come to her house or job again.
Sam, like many obsessive lovers, jumped into a relationship even though it seemed one-sided. He hung onto words like “nice” and “not right now,” thinking Trish had an interest in developing a relationship in the future, even though her actions indicated she did not want any relationship with Sam. He felt that he was wooing Trish and showing her why she should love him. He was doing all the things that he has seen in movies and heard in songs—he just wanted her to give him a chance.
As an obsessive lover, you focus only on your needs, sometimes projecting your feelings on to the other person and believing she feels the same way you do. Other times you think the romantic gestures will win over the object of your affection or that your feelings are so strong, she will eventually come to love you.
Even when faced with rejection, you latch on to any thread of hope, no matter how small. In your mind, your love is so strong it can overcome any obstacle, even the obstacle that the other person has no interest. In your mind, once she sees the depth of your feelings, she will open her heart to you.
Showing up at someone’s home or workplace intrudes into their privacy. It steps over personal boundaries. In healthy relationships, both partners want to get to know one another. Both partners have a desire to get to know each other and share information. If your partner doesn’t share information, such as her address or where she works, it is because she does not feel comfortable inviting you into her personal world. Trish made this message clear but Sam didn’t want to hear it.
Respecting Personal Boundaries
We each set up personal boundaries to help keep us safe. Boundaries are not meant to create distance between us and our loved ones, but to bring us closer by defining what we want and need in the relationship. As an obsessive lover, you may have trouble respecting the personal boundaries set up by your partner. You believe your actions are in the best interest of your partner. You believe your actions, done in the name of love, are justifiable.
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits you set up within your relationships with other people to keep you safe. Some examples of personal boundaries are: you may not hit me, I will not fight with you if you are going to yell, don’t call me after 11:00 P.M., don’t call me at work.
Your partner, however, might view your obsessive behaviors as controlling or smothering. In order to improve your relationship, you will need to learn how to respect your partner’s boundaries.
The first step to respecting boundaries is to accept no for an answer. As a child, our parents told us no all the time. “No, you cannot cross the street by yourself ” or “No, you may not have dessert before you eat your dinner.” We learned, or did not learn, whether boundaries were flexible or rigid based on our parents’ response to our behaviors. When our parents told us no but we did something anyway, if we were punished, we learned that no was important. If we were not reprimanded or punished, we learned no doesn’t always mean no. Lack of consequences says that no could mean maybe.
In a healthy romantic relationship, partners respect this very important word. For example, Barry and Sandy have been dating for a few weeks. Barry wants to take Sandy out to lunch and calls her at work. Sandy explains to Barry that she does not want him to contact her at work. Barry, wanting to continue the relationship, apologizes and asks Sandy when a good time to call would be.
As an obsessive lover, Barry might not accept no, believing Sandy might be hiding something at work, maybe another guy. Instead of respecting her wishes to be left alone at work, he texts her, calls, and even stops by. He wants to know what’s going on, he wants to test her commitment, he wants to let her know he cares enough to call. Barry isn’t willing to respect the word no. For many obsessive lovers, no just means try harder. Obsessive lovers need to work on translating no as a stop sign.
The second step in respecting boundaries is simply to ask when you don’t know. In our first example, Barry asked Sandy when she felt it was okay for him to call. If you aren’t sure what your partner expects, ask. If you discuss and set rules about communication, you’ll both know what is acceptable and what would be considered obsessive. Here are some examples of things you may need to establish:
• How many texts she considers appropriate in a day?
• How many phone calls are appropriate in a day?
• What hour is too late to call on the phone?
• Is it okay to call at work?
• How often does she want to see you? Once a week? Twice a week?
As your relationship develops, your questions will change and some answers will become apparent as you get to know one another. If you aren’t sure, ask. Listen to the answer and follow it. Don’t try to argue that what she is comfortable with is wrong just because you want more.
Obsessive lovers often see making a mistake as a crack in the relationship and become scared the relationship will end. Keep in mind, you will make mistakes. As you are learning about each other, you will do some things wrong and do some things right. Listen to your partner. Find out what she likes and what she doesn’t. Use this information to make your relationship the best it can be.
The next step in learning respect for another person’s boundaries is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Before you call your partner at work, think about what might happen. She could get in trouble; she could be busy and you are interrupting her; she could be having a bad day and won’t be patient with you. If you do care about this person, you should care about her well-being. If your actions in any way hurt your partner, stop. Also think about how you would feel if she did to you what you did to her.
Essential Takeaways
• Finding alternative strategies for coping with jealous feelings can help.
• Respect your partner’s requests when deciding how often and what time to call or text.
• Drive-bys may not immediately hurt someone but can still be a form of harassment, and keeping them secret is dishonest.
• Learning to accept no as an answer is the first step to learning to respect personal boundaries.