GRIEF

Twelve Years Old

‘She used to sneak into my room at night and we’d read fairy tales under the covers. Marie always wanted to be the prince, the princes were always wearing hats in the pictures and she loved hats. I remember a straw one that she refused to take off for a whole year. She’d go to the front door wearing it and announce she was going on adventures …’

Anna tried not to listen but it was impossible. She was hungry for information about her mother and these small details felt of huge importance. Aunt continued her torrent of gentle stories.

‘Do you ever wonder how it would have felt to have her arms around you?’

The way she said it all – so soothingly – that’s what made it hard, what hurt so much. Anna felt the tears come to her eyes as if they had always been there, waiting.

‘She loved you so much.’

Anna cried out, reaching for her eyes: her tears burned. They burned her eyes and cheeks with acid pain. She screamed again and scrabbled at her face but her cheeks felt the same as always. It was just a sensation. Just a sensation.

‘Her laughter was always sudden. I remember—’

‘Stop. Please stop.’ The burning was too much. She couldn’t bear it. She rubbed at her eyes but they only watered more.

‘Only you can stop it, Anna. Grief hurts. You must let it go.’

Anna tightened the third knot in her Knotted Cord. Aunt wiped a burning tear from her cheek and stroked her hair comfortingly.’Your mother would have sung to you like this, Anna, she loved to sing …’

Anna tightened the knot until her fingers bled and her cheeks dried and the ache inside her was a distant thing that couldn’t hurt any more.