Freak Show

Monday, Monday, and game week has arrived! YES! At last, The Big One is here! In just five days: FIGHTING FRIDAY! When the Fighting Manatees finally square off against their sworn enemy, the Okeechobee Beefsteaks!

In this delirious three-hour celebration of school spirit, the students pay their respect to the varsity football players by sobbing and shrieking like a bunch of horny howler monkeys. YEAAAAAAAAA!

ALSO, there are speeches and cheers and chants and dance routines and marching band maneuvers . . . WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!

AND VERY IMPORTANT: This is where the candidates for homecoming queen give their final speeches—a very important indicator of who will win. And a good speech can make or break you. So this is A VERY BIG DEAL TODAY.

One by one, each Manatee walks the length of the auditorium to the frenzied, hunk-drunk cries of the student body. The varsity cheerleaders tumble about the auditorium and lead the crowd in the familiar school chants and cheers. They flip and twirl and spin around the boys, doing cartwheels and backflips, giving them all their due.

And each boy is given an automatic standing ovation. (Well, of course. It’s just the way things are.)

But get this: When Bo-Bo Peterson’s name was called, he pulled out his Scarlet F and walked the length of the stage with it held up high over his head, causing an unprecedented reaction. Some audience members actually booed! YES! BOOED! Which was UNHEARD OF! A MANATEE—BOOED? That we should live in such extraordinary times!

Then came the speeches by Principal Onnigan calling for good sportsmanship and honorable behavior at the game and afterward, at the dance, BLAH BLAH BLAH . . . Coach Carter screamed that this was the best team he’s ever had the pleasure to coach, YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! And finally, Bib Oberman, the captain of the football team, summed it all up by simply chanting “MAN-A-TEES! MAN-A-TEES!” over and over, until everybody had chanted themselves into a sweat-soaked frenzy of Man-on-Manatee love.

Then there were MORE cheers and MORE pom-pom routines, and these seemed to last for seven or eight hours, AT LEAST. Finally, after all the cheers had been exhausted and we were sufficiently full of pep, it was time for the homecoming queens to give their speeches.

Henny and Alma were introduced and allowed to sit on the stage platform, but because they were merely write-in candidates, they weren’t allowed to actually make speeches.

She looked even grimmer than usual. Her jaw was clenched; her eyes were slits; and a large purple vein throbbed, furiously, on her temple.

She cleared her throat and shuffled her notes: “Um . . . number one: I can’t believe I have to remind you guys of the most basic reason to vote for me, but I guess I do: Homecoming queens are GIRLS, y’all. Quarterbacks are BOYS. That’s the way it is. That’s the way God made it. You can’t decide what’s right and wrong based on the cast of The Real World. And you can’t just change your values just because you think ‘times have changed.’

“Boys are made for some things, and girls are made for others. I mean, what if I wanted to be the boys’ locker room attendant?”

“Okay, second reason to vote for me: My rival—I’m not even going to insult my lips by saying his name—is a newcomer to our school. That alone should disqualify him. Homecoming is about celebrating traditions and memories. So far, our only memory of him is the sickening way he’s tried to turn our school into a gay bar.

“It’s a fact: Gays are going to hell. I say, if he wants to be queen so bad, LET HIM BE THE QUEEN OF HELL!”

Lynnette broke into a series of inappropriate cartwheels, bouncing across the stage, letting her legs stay spread open perhaps a beat too long, and exposing her cheerleader’s underwear, which elicited a few catcalls from the boys.

“YEA!” she screamed. “I’ve got spirit, y’all! OKAY, GUYS, LET ME HEAR YOU: I’VE GOT WHAT? (clap clap) SPIRIT! YEA! GIVE ME AN S!”

“So in conclusion: I deserve to be homecoming queen because I love the school, I respect tradition, and plus, if you vote for the transvestite, we’re going to have coed bathrooms. God’s truth, y’all.”