IV

DAY FOUR

Tides are turning. A new day is dawning.

And you just might pull through, after all.

Sure! You’ve been through hard times before. Your mother threw you away, like an old Choo! You’re no stranger to heartbreak.

And worse things happen at sea!

So what do you do? How do you cope?

 

First of all: take it easy. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush back into the world just yet. You still have a long ways to go.

 

Rule number one: nothing beats a big bowl of mashed potatoes when you’re feeling this depressed. Anything soft, in fact, will do. Chewing is for go-getters. Chewing is for people who have it together. You are not one of those people.

I know, I know, you probably don’t have much of an appetite, anyway.

But eat you must. You need to keep up your strength.

I find it helps to picture yourself eating your lover’s body parts. Spaghetti? Take a mouthful of his arteries, dear. Tapioca? Those lumps are his eyeballs . . . let them float around in your mouth, then CHOMP! Grind them to a pulpy membrane! With a little imagination marinara sauce becomes his blood. That water bottle is full of the tears he’s shed now that you are gone.

It’s okay to cry while doing this.

 

You may feel like masturbating twenty or thirty times a day during this period. And that’s . . . okay! Go right ahead. You deserve it. But never, ever, let the image of you-know-who slip into your head while you’re doing it. Think about your eighth-grade gym teacher. Think about the lawn boy. Watch One Tree Hill. Fantasize about anyone, ANYONE except your beloved ex-Flip Flop.

(It’s okay to cry while doing this, too.)

 

NOW THE CLEANSING RITUAL:

He may have broken your heart, but it’s time to reclaim your life. You are going to take control of your emotions. First, gather together all the little mementos of your time together! Yes! Each and every keep-sake! The souvenir bedpan! The empty bottle of pepper vodka! The pencil he chewed on! And the little wart you glued to his face! Now TOSS THEM INTO THE DUMPSTER!

Trust me! It’s for the best!

Next, the clothes! Yes! Make a pile of all the precious little outfits you wore when you were together! Then, tear them all up! Tear them to shreds! EGAD! ARE YOU SURE? Yes! Yes! And spare no costume, no getup, no snappy little suit! That includes the ocher and puce dress! The bubble wig! Zelda Fitzgerald! Preppy 3000! Yes, even the Vivienne Westwood pirate outfit! Rip it all to shreds! Be brutal! Destroy that dress! Obliterate those jeans! NOW, BRING OUT THE GARDENING SHEARS!

When you are through, it’s okay to collapse in a sweaty pile of tears and self-loathing.

Sleep it off. The worst is over.