XV

A LITTLE BACKGROUND

“Fancy” Clancy Duckett is anything but.

It’s one of those jokes, like calling a fat guy “Slim,” or a tall guy “Tiny” (oh, ha-ha).

So let’s get it straight: There ain’t nothin’ fancy about her.

She’s an “earthy” gal.

A real Peppermint Patty.

(And a dyke, to boot.)

NOT A PRETTY WOMAN, you understand. We’re clear on that?

After a lifetime of playing golf in the brutal Florida sun, Clancy Duckett looks like a coconut. Yes, yes, look: the skin on her face is hard, hairy, and brown. CRACKLE CRACKLE. Put a spiky wig on a coconut, prop it up at the news desk, and see if viewers can tell the difference. And, bless her heart, she’s WAAAAY past the point where a little hydrating serum or RevitaLift could help, so don’t suggest it. And even IF she wore makeup, which she doesn’t, ever, not even on the air, but even if she LOST HER DAMN MIND one day and allowed a makeup woman to “paint her up” I suspect it would be like nailing Jell-O to a tree. It would not stick. No. No. No. It’s too late. Of course, she wouldn’t even notice. She doesn’t know M•A•C from crack, or NARS from Mars. HELLO! SNAP!

So no, no, no . . .

“None of that glop for me,” she booms. “If the viewers don’t like my face the way God made it, well then, lump ’em! When the image becomes more important than the message, that’s the day I’ll retire to my poodle farm in Peru!”

And nobody wants THAT.

 

And fashionwise? Let’s just say she’s not going to set any red carpets on fire. No, no. She dresses with all the panache of Jim Belushi.

 

But Clancy Duckett didn’t need any of that. She had a charisma that transcended the phony trappings of other newscasters. She told the truth, see. She was a straight shooter, and for that she stood out in a sea of bubbleheaded bleach bunnies.

As the leader of the Action 7 news team, she was the venerable voice of South Florida, a respected community leader whose nightly commentaries shaped public opinion, changed attitudes, influenced politicians, and swayed elections. That she was also an out-loud lesbian, out proud for twenty-seven years and a great supporter of the local GLBT community, and was accepted by just about everyone. She had been a part of South Floridian’s lives for so long, and had so completely earned the public’s trust and respect, that even the most conservative viewer was willing to tolerate her alternative lifestyle.

To say she was a good ally would be an understatement.

So when Mary Jane told me she had taken a personal interest in my story, and was planning on filming my announcement LIVE, well, I just about DIED.