XIX

After her introduction I began my speech.

My voice quivered and wavered and barely rose above a rasp. But it rallied as I did, and grew in pitch, in clarity. It started soft, then grew with confidence, and finally rang out like a clarion call to arms. “For too long I have suffered in silence,” I said. “I thought being an outcast meant I had no voice. I accepted the role of victim that was assigned to me and was shamed into martyrdom. No more! All that changes today. Today I take control of my destiny; I reclaim my birthright. Once again, I will be fabulous. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make . . .”

Here, I paused to put on my EISENHOWER ACADEMY HOMECOMING QUEEN sash.

There was a sharp gasp from the crowd.

“Yes, I’m here to announce my candidacy for homecoming queen! It’s time to put a real queen in charge! I want the students here to understand that GENDER IS A CHOICE, NOT A LIFE SENTENCE. I’m going to change the world, one dress at a time!”

 

Well, that was it.

The world exploded in a mushroom cloud of horror and outrage. The collective “NO!” of every student there sent a sonic boom circling around the globe seven times, flattening everything in its path. And when the dust finally settled, it was as if common decency and two hundred years of Southern tradition had been dealt a deathblow.

The crowd turned ugly.

Torches were lit. Pitchforks were raised. Cries of “KILL THE MONSTER” were heard.

 

Here, Clancy stepped in, reminding everyone that the cameras were still rolling.

“Tell us about your platform, Billy. What do you want the students to take away from your campaign?”

“My platform is simple: I’m pro-glamour and anti-khaki. I support total artistic freedom, and I’m against conservative backlashes. I intend to stamp out redneckism wherever I find it, and fight discrimination and Christian intolerance, using only my beauty, wit, and wig-styling skills. I’m going to try, single-handedly, to bring about an end to the hatred I’ve found here at Eisenhower. And it’s not just for me, Clancy, no. I feel AN ABSOLUTE OBLIGATION to change the way the students here think about GBLTs. In fact, by running for homecoming queen, I feel I’m carrying the flag for a whole culture.”

Here, I looked straight into the camera, raised a fist to the sky, and shouted: “TEASE HAIR, NOT HOMOS!”

 

Clancy moved into the crowd to get their reactions.

They ran the gamut from: “It’s wrong. He’s sick and needs to be stopped,” to: “Why not? He’ll never win, but let him run.”

Why, there were even a few: “You gotta give the kid credit. He doesn’t give up.”

And that was slightly encouraging.

 

The cameras then turned to Principal Onnigan. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and said, “Well, while there’s no OFFICIAL rule that limits the position of homecoming queen to just females . . . ummm . . . errr. . . . We will certainly have to look a little more closely at the issue in the days to come and see if it’s feasible or advisable . . . but . . . um . . . as of now, Billy does fit the eligibility profile: He has collected the requisite twenty-five signatures, he has the support of a school-sanctioned club, and his GPA is certainly higher than the needed two point eight. . . . And let me also state, for the record, that the Eisenhower Academy is clearly not sexually biased, and as always, we support Billy’s . . . um . . . creative approach to school curriculum and campus traditions. . . .”

 

“And there you have it!” Clancy said. “Dawn of the ‘drag queen’ at one area high school. Despite overwhelming opposition, one out-proud young drag queen seeks to eliminate gender-based discrimination through that most archaic and sexist of institutions—the old-fashioned beauty pageant. Will he succeed? Will gender identity become a nonissue at this elite private school? Stay with Channel Seven as this story develops. I’m Clancy Duckett, reporting from the Eisenhower Academy in Plantation. Now back to Rick Rock in the studio with the weather.”

 

“And we’re out!” said Roger, the camera guy.

“Good stuff, Bloom!” she boomed, and gave me a punch on the shoulder. “You’re a natural. It’ll be on the news tonight. The six o’clock, definitely, and possibly the eleven o’clock, as well. And we’ll be following the story, of course, so this isn’t the last you’ll see of us.”