XXI
DAY TWO
I should have seen the signs—the malevolent crackle in the air; the rank, overripe smell of goat genitals; the rain of blood—the Hellmouth was opening. It was the End of Days.
Even as I passed the four horsemen without faces in the school courtyard and looked right at the flaming pentagram on the cafeteria door, nothing registered. What could be wrong?
La. La. La.
Then, up ahead: a bustle in the hedgerow. A commotion in the courtyard.
Something brewing.
Something afoot.
An ill-wind blowing.
Students were buzzing and racing all about. A crowd had formed.
And there, standing in the center of the storm, and looking like maybe she WAS the storm, Lynnette Franz glowered and tossed her hair and generally looked mean and scowly.
No surprise there.
Next to her, though, was a rather big surprise. Tossing HER hair while a makeup girl touched up her lips, and a field producer hiked up her skirt, was none other than Medea del Rio.
Yes, THAT Medea del Rio, Channel 4’s best weapon against the Clancy Duckett juggernaut!
The pint-sized Cuban dynamo was as pretty and vivacious as Clancy was earthy and raw. She’s got “WOW,” and isn’t afraid to use it.
She’s a real power-sparkler, see.
Treats every assignment like a walk down the red carpet, see.
Why, she’ll cover a bus full of dead babies in a clinging fuchsia wrap dress and six-inch leopard pumps. She’ll wiggle and giggle and struggle to keep her dress from unwrapping and her breasts from spilling out, and pretty soon you will have completely forgotten that she’s knee-deep in a pile of bloody baby carcasses.
Yes, here was “jiggle journalism” at its finest. Finally, news that looked like porn—yea!—with cameras that weren’t afraid of the old ZOOM-ZOOM, if you know what I mean.
And for people tired of Clancy’s dried-out mutton-face, and those intelligent think pieces of hers (groan!)—Medea del Rio was sweet relief, indeed. A breath of fresh air-freshener.
And now it looked as if she was going to glom onto Lynnette as a way to one-up Clancy’s interview with me last night.
“This is Medea del Rio, in Plantation, where it’s day two of ‘Eisenhower Under Siege.’ What’s at stake? One girl’s dream, and EVERY girl’s rights and privileges. Standing with me is Lynnette Franz. Tell us what happened here, Lynnette.”
“Well, I was supposed to be the only candidate, right? Nobody else was supposed to run. All the girls in our class knew better than to run against me. They all promised. That was the plan. Since seventh grade! But then yesterday, this sexually confused WEIRDO, Billy Bloom, announced HE was running. I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t realize he’s not a girl, or maybe he just wants to make a fool of himself. Whatever. I mean, of course he doesn’t stand a chance—everybody hates him, but WHY DID HE HAVE TO MAKE THINGS SO UNPLEASANT FOR ME? This was supposed to be the happiest month of my life. And now he’s ruining it!”
“So you don’t think Billy Bloom has a chance?” Medea asked, sensing gold.
“Can you imagine? A homosexual? Representing our school?” Lynnette spat. “Well, my gawwwd, I’d laugh if he wasn’t being so disrespectful. It’s like he’s peeing on the flag or something! I mean, he’s a drag queen! He just wants attention. Any kind of attention. Like all gays, you know? So they can advance their ‘gay agenda.’ That is the God’s honest truth. By running for homecoming queen, Billy is trying to destroy the Christian way of life here at the academy . . .”
“Tell the viewers why you deserve to be queen, and how you plan to fight against the threat to your values?”
“Well, Medea,” she said, suddenly smiling. “I understand the needs of the student body; I’m prepared for the responsibility; I know what’s required of a homecoming queen. I know the image that ought to be presented. PLUS, I have God on my side,” she said.
Here, she paused for effect, then continued:
“God hates sinners, you know, and gays ARE sinners. It’s like what we studied in American history. . . . What is it? . . . ‘Manifold Destiny,’ the right to conquer. God wants ME to be homecoming queen, see, because I have goodness in my heart, tradition on my side, and the divine right to be queen.”
And she gave her most regal look to the camera.
And THAT lit a fire, I can tell you, when it aired on the six o’clock news.
Suddenly, the drag queen wasn’t the ONLY kook in this story. Lynnette gave good quip, I’ll say that for her. She knew how to get the audience’s attention. And now the press had another angle, and the story grew a little larger.