Chapter Twenty-Two

A Divided Heart

White Deer stood on a hillside above the cabin Colonel Zane had given them. From the east, faint rays of light brushed an overhanging bank of gray clouds, painting them with tinges of coral and pink. The air was fresh and songbirds lifted their melodious choruses to the light filtering through the forest from the east. A faint breeze, redolent with the smell of pine and cedar, danced softly around her, but it did not soothe the girl’s troubled heart.

It had been five months since they arrived at Fort Henry. Jonathan had given himself totally to his new life as a scout. Wetzel’s implacable hatred for every Indian had infected Jonathan and brought the fires of revenge boiling to the surface, and now he was leaving everything behind to follow the reclusive borderman. White Deer had done everything she could to abandon her Indian ways and please Jonathan. She had discarded her buckskin dress and now wore the linsey and wool of a frontier settler’s wife. She had changed her name to Ruth and tried hard to fit in with the white man’s life. But mostly, she found the white settlers ignorant and crude. And sometimes she would catch Jonathan looking at her with contempt in his eyes.

That morning, Jonathan had gone with Wetzel and Zane on another scouting expedition to the north. He left her standing at the door of their cabin with a feeling of great emptiness in her heart, and as she watched the golden top of the sun rise over the hills of Ohio, she wondered if she had made the right choice in leaving her home. For a moment the rising sun’s rays blinded her and when she recovered she was startled to see a tall figure standing before her. It was Wingenund, her father!

Wingenund looked at his daughter for a long time. The sadness in his eyes reached out to her, and she wanted to run to him and feel his strong arms around her. Instead, she spoke. “Why have you come, Father? You are in great danger if you stay here. The white men must not see you.”

Wingenund did not answer her. He looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. Then he spoke to her in Lenape.  “You have become a Christian.” His simple statement struck her like a blow.

White Deer started in surprise. “How did you know, Father?”

“When the yellow-hair was captive, I watched you talking with him many times, and each time when you came back to the lodge, I could see that your heart was troubled. Then I heard you say it.”

“When?”

“Soon after you escaped from me on the river, I came to Zane’s cabin. I was hidden in the woods watching when the two brothers fought. I have waited, hoping that you would see the foolishness of your choice, but you have not. So now I have come. I say to you, reject the white man’s God and return to your home. You are my daughter and your tribe needs you. Because of you, we have someone we can follow on the path of the Lenape, the path that gives our people hope, the path that the whites would destroy. Give up this strange God and this husband who hates all Indians and come back with me. I am your father. I am real. This Jesus you follow, him you cannot see or touch or feel. But you can touch the trees, the animals, the solid ground of our earth mother. You can touch me. And the day will come when the hatred in Black Eagle’s heart will overpower his love for you.”

White Deer’s heart twisted within her. Her father stood before her, his face impassive, but she could feel his love for her in his words. For just one moment, her faith wavered and nearly broke. But she had given her heart to Jesus, and because of that, she was bound to her husband. Slowly, she lifted her head and looked into her father’s eyes. “I cannot leave Jesus and He tells me I cannot leave Jonathan. You may be right about Jonathan, but it is too late to do anything about it. He is my husband and the father of my child. I think that you speak wisdom and there are times when my heart trembles in fear for me and for my son, but no matter. I have changed my name to Ruth, and I have made my choice. I will follow the white man’s God and remain with Jonathan.”

Wingenund stood silent for a moment. Then he put his hand on his daughter’s shoulder and looked into her eyes. “Then I say that Opahtuhwe is no more. The princess of her people is dead to us, and we will sing the song of mourning in our lodges. You will not see me again in this life.”

With that, Wingenund turned and walked into the woods. White Deer called after him. “Father! Father!”

But he did not answer her or look back. A great sadness came over her as she watched her old life vanish into the woods with her father. The Indian princess was gone forever, and the woman, now known as Ruth, put her face in her hands and wept bitterly.

Hours later, she sat alone on the front step of her cabin. She held a mirror in her hand, staring at her reflection.

I am no longer Opahtuhwe, the White Deer. I am Ruth. I am a follower of the white man’s Jesus. My father has renounced me and says I am no longer Lenape. My husband loves me but part of him hates me, for no matter what name I take, to him I will always be an Indian. The hatred is too strong. One day he will forget his love for me. Lord Jesus, why did you lead me on such a trail of bitterness?

Her heart was gripped with deep sorrow, and she realized that resentment against her husband was growing within her. From the day he became a scout, Jonathan had volunteered for the most dangerous missions, ones that took him far to the north into British territory and gave him opportunity to wreak vengeance on the Indians. At first he was gone for days at a time, then the days became weeks. He was never at home to help her, and Ruth spent most of her time alone. When he did come home, Jonathan was sullen and distant, his mind fixed on his terrible vendetta against the Lenape and all the tribes. He would bring supplies enough to feed her and the baby, but there was no joy at his return. Jonathan was only happy when he was in the woods, hunting Indians. A dark rumor was spreading among the tribes of a man who was called Nènhìlëwès—the Murderer—a man who came silently like the night mist into their very villages and towns, bringing death and terror into the heart of the Indian lands. She knew Jonathan was that man.

Now her father had disowned her, and it seemed as though she were lost in a very dark place with no one to guide her. As she sat with tears running down her face, she heard a light step on the path. She looked up to find Joshua Hershberger standing before her, a haunch of deer meat and a basket of vegetables in his hands. She looked around in fear. “Joshua, what are you doing here? If my husband finds out…”

Joshua smiled. “Do not worry, Ruth, no one saw me come. I have brought supplies, for I know my brother has been remiss in his care for you.”

Ruth stepped down off the porch and took the food. She stared at Joshua.

Why did I not choose this one, Lord? He is as kindly as his brother is hateful.

She saw the love in his eyes, but she kept silent and turned to go into the house.

“Ruth?”

The unspoken question in his voice stopped her, and she stood for a moment looking down at the boards in the porch. Then she turned to Joshua. “I know what you would ask. I cannot tell you what is in my heart, for that would be a betrayal. I say too much already. Jonathan is my husband and my heart is his, no matter what he does.”

“But you are unhappy, Princess.”

Ruth felt the pent-up resentment rise in her. “Do not call me that again. I have forsaken that trail to follow your God. I have put those ways behind me, and even though I did not know the sorrow my choice would bring, I must go on and not look back. Jonathan loves me and one day he will remember that. He is my husband and the laws of my new faith bind me to him. I want to be a good follower of Jesus, even though I do not understand his ways.”

“Then at least let me help you to do just that. Let me teach you from the Bible.”

Her heart leaped at the thought of having someone to help her to know God’s word better. She hesitated, for there were many things she did not understand when she read the Bible, but the thought of going against her husband’s command did not sit well with her. Ruth looked into Joshua’s eyes. She knew that Joshua loved her, but she also knew that he was true in his walk with God, and he would never compromise her. Finally, she nodded. “Yes, you may help me, but we must not meet. My husband has forbidden it.”

Joshua nodded. “I understand. I will write lessons for you to read. I will leave them at the mill under the steps. Has Jonathan forbidden you to have a Bible?”

She shook her head. “No, but he does not want me to speak of it to him.”

Joshua smiled. “Do you even have one?”

“Yes. Mrs. Zane gave me one, but Jonathan never even looks at it.”

“Then that would be a good place to hide my lessons and go over them until you really understand them.”

Ruth smiled too. The kindness and compassion she felt from him was almost too much. “You are a good man, Joshua. Sometimes I wish…” She stopped herself and turned away. “But those choices have been made. Now you must go before someone sees you here. Thank you for the venison, and I will look forward to your lessons.” She turned and walked into the house. She could almost feel his love burning her, enfolding her as she walked away.

More weeks went by and still Jonathan did not return. Ruth went eagerly every few days to the mill and retrieved Joshua’s lessons. And some mornings she would arise and find a turkey or some deer or bear meet hanging from the tree in front of her cabin. She knew that Joshua was watching over her, and it comforted her deeply. Often she would find herself thinking about what it would be like to be married to Joshua instead of his brother. She would envision herself living at Joshua’s prosperous farm, working with a strong man beside her, having…having his children. But she would stop her thoughts before they got too far. Then she would feel shame and weep before the Lord.

The only happiness she knew was in studying the Bible. Each morning she rose before the sun while Matthew slept and read by the light of the morning fire. Joshua’s notes helped her to grasp the truth. Joshua also taught her the words of Menno Simmons and Jakob Amanm, the founders of Joshua’s faith. The words of peace and love toward her fellow man captured her heart until she knew that the way of peace was the true way. One day she went to the mill and waited until Joshua came. He was surprised to see her.

“You shouldn’t be seen here, Ruth. What if Jonathan hears of it?”

Without thinking Ruth took Joshua’s hand. “I have come to tell you that I wish to follow the Amish way.”

Joshua smiled. “Well, Ruth, I don’t think there has ever been an Amish princess before.”

As she looked into his eyes, Ruth realized that she wanted Joshua to take her in his arms and hold her, forever. She pulled her hand away in confusion. “I’m sorry, Joshua, I just wanted to tell you…” She turned and ran into the woods. Behind her, she heard him calling after her.

One morning before dawn, Ruth awoke to the sound of footsteps on the porch and a knock on the door. She threw on her robe and peeked out. Wetzel and Zane were standing on the porch. Her heart sank, for they had never come to the cabin before without Jonathan. She opened the door. The two men nodded and then Wetzel spoke.

“I’ve bad news for you, ma’am. The Mohawks have taken Jonathan captive. He was spying out the strength of Fort Niagara when he ran into a band led by the traitor Joseph Brant. He was taken to the fort and turned over to the British Colonel Butler before the Indians realized who he was. We tried to arrange for his release, but because of Jonathan’s deeds against the reddys, the tribes allied with the British are insisting that either Jonathan be hung or turned over to them for torture. So far, Butler has not decided. That’s all we know. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings.”

Ruth held onto the doorframe to keep from collapsing. “What will I do?”

Zane shrugged. “Jonathan’s brother is a good man. He will help you and surely others at the fort…”

Ruth shook her head. “I am an Indian princess, daughter of the greatest foe of all the white men on this frontier. My child is taunted as a half-breed. No, I do not think the other settlers will be eager to help me.”

Wetzel stared at her for a long time. Then he spoke. “You made your choice by marryin’ a white man. Now you’ll have to live with it.” Wetzel’s words chilled her.

The two men turned and left. Ruth watched them go, her heart held fast with an icy fear.