What matters is discovering myself under the veneer, under the layers that are wrapped around me. There are two “yous”; there’s “you,” the real you, and there’s the image.
—Ted Dekker, Bestselling Author
Jack’s alarm clock goes off at five thirty every weekday morning. After pushing the snooze button a couple of times, he is always up by six. Sometimes he squeezes off some push-ups and sit-ups before jumping into the shower. After getting dressed and eating breakfast, he’s out the door by seven to pick up a couple of friends on his way to school.
Jack’s sister Haley sets her alarm for five every morning and gets out of bed immediately. Her first stop is to always look in the mirror to see if she has any new blemishes. While she waits for the shower to heat up, she steps on the scale and weighs herself. The number that appears on the scale dictates the rest of her morning. If she thinks the number is high, she has a hard time finding anything she wants to wear and she hates her hair and makeup. She purposely skips breakfast but still ends up late to school. If the number on the scale is low, then her morning routine goes off without a hitch. She’s happy with the way she looks, eats a good breakfast, and arrives at school on time.
You may think of your appearance when you think of the word image, but it includes a lot more than just how you look. It’s the mental picture you have of yourself. It’s how you think you look—if you think you’re smart, talented, or a jerk. It’s your perception, so it’s not necessarily true. You may think you are ugly, horrible at sports, and boring, while others see you as cute, a great artist, and funny. If you have a positive self-image, then you see your assets first and your liabilities second. With a negative self-image, you focus on your imperfections and dwell on your failures.
Appreciate the way you look. I love my blue eyes, dark hair, and dimples when I smile.
Don’t sell yourself short! The way you think about yourself will determine how others see you. In high school, I thought I was chunky, unremarkable, and average at everything when the truth was, I was funny, creative, and a really loyal friend. The way I felt about myself dictated how I looked to other people. Without self-confidence, I came across as awkward and shy. The only people who got to see the real me were a few really close friends.
Always looking for flaws. My stomach is so bloated, and don’t even get me started on how huge my nose looks.
A pretty face or six-pack abs will only take you so far if you’re a jerk to people. On the other hand, if you have frizzy hair that’s out of control, constant scrapes on your face from lacrosse, and a killer personality, you’ll be more liked and attractive to everyone who knows you. You’ll beat out someone who is superficial any day of the week when it comes to true friends. Eventually a person’s personality and how they treat others will catch up to them. You have to match an inner beauty to your outer shell to maintain attractiveness to others.
In 2009 Caitlin Boyle was fed up with the negative self-talk people do regarding how they physically look. With scraps of paper and a pencil, she launched a movement by writing You Are Beautiful and posting the notes on restroom walls, mirrors, and at the gym. Now thousands of people have joined her mission by posting notes in random places all over the world. Her motivational speeches tackle body image issues like photoshopping, self-esteem, and how to a have a healthy lifestyle. She is the author of Operation Beautiful: One Note at a Time, and Healthy Tipping Point. To find out how you can contribute to a positive body image, visit operationbeautiful.com. Read on to learn how Caitlin is changing the way people feel about themselves one Post-it Note at a time.
1. What is Operation Beautiful?
The mission of Operation Beautiful is to post positive messages in public places for strangers to find. Since the site’s beginning in June 2009, I have received over twenty thousand notes from all over the world.
2. What experiences did you have as a teen that influenced you to create Operation Beautiful?
I grew up in Miami, Florida, where there is a heavy emphasis on appearance and money. For a long time, my perception of what was valuable was highly distorted by this atmosphere. I spent a lot of years thinking that you had to be perfect to be worthwhile.
3. How are body images distorted in the media?
I think it’s important for teens to understand that the way men and women are presented in the media—the muscular ideal and the thin ideal—are created so “normal” people feel bad about themselves and feel compelled to buy a product or watch a TV show. The purpose of distorting body images in the media is really to drive consumerism. If you feel good about yourself the way you are, you won’t buy those things.
4. How does this affect the way people think of themselves?
We’re holding ourselves to an impossible and unrealistic standard, which hurts your self-esteem and—in turn—damages the rest of your life.
5. How can teens have a healthy body image?
Focus on finding a healthy balance and remember that health looks different on different people. There are a lot of different shapes and sizes, and all are attractive and worthwhile. Being self-confident in who you are and what you can do is the most appealing (and important) thing of all.
6. What’s the difference between a healthy lifestyle and one that is consumed with exercise and dieting?
It’s all about attitude. When I trained for a Half Ironman (a triathlon involving a 1.2-mile swim, a 56-mile bike ride, and 13.1-mile run), my life was totally consumed by exercise and eating, but it was a short-term goal that I was trying to reach. An unhealthy obsession might be one that you cannot break away from. Also, if your thoughts stop being logical (such as, I’m tired, but I have to continue running until I reach five miles because two isn’t good enough), you may have a problem.
7. What activities can a teen participate in if they aren’t naturally athletic?
Everyone can find a physical activity that suits their tastes. Maybe you love to dance—try Zumba. Maybe you like quiet alone time—try yoga. Maybe you love to be outside—try going for long walks.
8. If you could go back and give advice to your teenage self, what would you say?
Stop being so hard on yourself, and look for more opportunities to help others. Helping others is so important.
You may feel like people either have it or they don’t when it comes to good looks, popularity, talent, and intelligence. You may think you have very little control over how people will perceive you, but that’s not true. Let me tell you a little story about two guys named Justin and you be the judge.
Justin Timberlake was discovered at the age of eleven when he sang on the talent show Star Search and then became a member of The Mickey Mouse Club. From ages fourteen to twenty-one, he was part of the popular boy band called *NSYNC that sold over 50 million albums. Since then, he’s launched an even more successful solo career and has expanded into acting, winning nine Grammys, four Emmys, seven American Music Awards, and eleven MTV Awards.
Justin Bieber has a similar story. He was discovered at age twelve when his mother posted a YouTube video of him in a local singing competition. At age thirteen he sang for Usher and landed a recording contract. He plays piano, drums, guitar, and the trumpet and has played to sold-out shows all over the world. By age twenty-one, he’d already won one Grammy, eight American Music Awards, twenty-three MTV Awards, and sixteen Teen Choice Awards.
They sound pretty similar, right? They are both good-looking, talented young men who have spent a lot of time occupying the teen heartthrob space. This is where their similarities end. While the news of Justin Timberlake’s personal life has centered around his marriage, appearances on talk shows, and what designer labels he’s wearing, Justin Bieber’s personal life has been a lot more colorful. In order to distance himself from his teen idol image, he began hanging out with people who had a reputation for getting into trouble. The headlines spent more time focused on his misbehavior than on his music. He was arrested for vandalism, reckless driving, driving under the influence, and assault. His bad-boy behavior did not garner him respect but instead gave him the label as “2014’s most annoying celebrity.”1 These two Justins both started their careers with the same talents and image, but under their own control, they went in two different directions.
Do you ever stare at your reflection in the mirror and start critiquing the way you look? You might think, I am so fat, I look too scrawny, or My skin is so oily. If you do this, you’re not alone. Most people notice their flaws first and their good parts second. As a teen, your body is constantly growing and changing, which makes it even harder to have a realistic image of yourself. One day you might have pimples, and the next day your skin is flawless. Add to it body hair, voice cracking, and body odor, and puberty starts to sound like a real drag! Don’t worry—everyone goes through it. When it’s over, you’ll look less like a kid and more like a young man or woman.
Understand it’s unfair to compare yourself to pictures in the media. I like seeing pictures of my favorite celebrities, but I don’t measure myself by them.
In the meantime, lighten up on yourself and treat yourself like you treat your friends. You wouldn’t tell your best pal they are fat, ugly, or weird looking. If you did, you wouldn’t have a friend for very long. Treat yourself with the same respect by turning your negative self-talk into positive statements. “I hate that I don’t look this way” can become “I love that I have my own look and am different than everyone else.” The things you don’t like about yourself now will be the things you love about yourself later.
You’ve seen the pictures—the ones that taunt you from magazine covers and websites with flawless skin and amazing bodies. They are celebrities, athletes, and models both male and female. They create an impossible standard for you to live up to, because the people you are seeing in the pictures aren’t from the real world. They have personal trainers, nutritionists, dermatologists, and plastic surgeons. Before the photographer takes a single picture of them, they meet with a makeup artist, hairstylist, and fashion stylist. After the pictures are taken, the real work begins. Software programs like Photoshop allow designers to make improvements or changes to the pictures. They can change skin coloring to hide pale skin or pimples. A skillfull graphic designer can replace a bald head with a full head of hair, erase wrinkles, and whiten teeth. Lately, media and advertisers have been criticized for using software to create six-pack abs, shave off pounds, and make women look more feminine and men more rugged. Sometimes the trend is for women to be curvy, and at other times rail thin. Men may be shown as big and bulky, or as tall and slender. Either way, the industry ideal is constantly changing. The result is an illusion that is meant to sell you products and magazines, not promote self-esteem.
Comparing the way you look to how your favorite celebrities and athletes look. I would give anything to look like my favorite TV stars.
River is a professional actor, model, and spokesperson on teen issues. He has been called the male Demi Lovato for his work in activism regarding body image issues and youth insecurities. He works with the Jed Foundation, Love Is Louder, Proud2BMe, National Eating Disorders Association, Men Get Eating Disorders Too, and My Life My Power. He was a celebrity panelist at the screening for the documentary The Mask You Live In about how masculinity is defined for boys. His work in the modeling industry and as an actor gives him a unique perspective on how body image is shaped by the media and why those expectations are unrealistic. After battling an eating disorder, he learned how to truly appreciate his body. Read on to learn how River is redefining beauty in the modeling industry.
1. Tell me about your teen years.
In my early teens, I was extremely heavy and awkward. I was very much comfortable being in the shadows. I was really into the arts—acting, writing, photography—I was never a jock or looked at as masculine. After my parents divorced, I definitely went through that teen-angst phase where I acted out, rebelled, and didn’t really fit in with one specific group. I was a misfit. A lot of things were out of my control at this point, especially my home life and family situation. The only thing I felt I had control over was my weight.
2. How are male and female body image issues different?
I don’t think they are that different, to be completely honest. I think female body image issues are more well-known; they’re okay to talk about. There are so many female celebrities that have opened up about their body image struggles, and we know about so many female support groups and such . . . but men don’t really have that. Men feel like they have to always be the alpha male. They have to be muscular, in shape, macho, buff, but there aren’t too many sources we can turn to or places where we can open up about this without being deemed a pussy or gay. Eating disorders are still viewed as a female disease.
3. What would you say to teens who feel their bodies don’t measure up to their peers?
I’d say to love yourself. I’ve ruined my body and will forever live with ailments because of the damage I’ve caused to my organs over the years. This is all because I wanted a body that looked like the jocks did. I went to extreme lengths to achieve this. I used to envy every boy who could walk around the locker room with his shirt off and not get laughed at. Instead of being the best version of myself and achieving the best body for me. I wanted a football player’s abs, a soccer player’s legs, and a bodybuilder’s arms. Truly being comfortable in your own skin is the most beautiful feeling. There’s nothing like it. Your body is yours, so love it, cherish it, treat it right, and it will reward you.
4. How can people learn to accept their own uniqueness?
Surround yourself with people who love you for you. Being different is beautiful. All the things and personal features I was embarrassed about when I was younger are what I get the most compliments on now. I love my style, my look, and that’s because it’s purely mine. You aren’t meant to be a replica—you’re an original, a limited edition. Remember that!
5. If you could go back to give advice to your teen self, what would it be?
I’d tell my teen self it will all work out, it’ll be okay, and I’m a lot stronger and smarter than I give myself credit for. I’d say to love yourself. The bumps in the road ahead are just stepping-stones. Don’t sweat the small stuff; you’re a kid. You aren’t supposed to have everything figured out. Enjoy life; enjoy your youth.
6. How does the media affect how we feel about how we look?
I’m in an industry where it’s okay to dissect people. It’s almost like they have a free pass to critique you. With Photoshop and glam squads being the norm, it’s incredibly easy to feel ugly compared to people we see in the media. I have one foot in that world, so I see the smoke and mirrors, the hair and makeup teams, and the lighting effects. When I do a photo shoot, people will stop me and say, “OMG! You look great. I wish I looked like that!” And I reply, “I wish I looked like that too.” Ha-ha, it’s not real. Perfection isn’t attainable. Humans are not meant to be perfect. Don’t try living up to those expectations.
Do you base your self-worth on how you think you look? If so, then you’re building your self-confidence on a faulty foundation. All it takes is any doubt about your appearance to cause all of your confidence to come crumbling down, whereas if you tie your self-confidence to what you appreciate about yourself and your inner beauty, then you’re working with a solid foundation. Any doubts you have about your appearance will seem minor compared to the happiness you have with your daily life.
When you connect to things outside of yourself, it puts things into perspective and makes it easier to focus on your internal self more than your external packaging. You are so much more than the appearance of your body parts or the numbers on the scale. Pursuing a meaningful life that focuses on your dreams and life enjoyment will help you to push any body image issues aside. Here are a few practices to get you in the right mind-set for a meaningful life.
Choose happiness. Have you ever heard of the saying “Fake it till you make it”? Sometimes it’s hard to find anything to smile about, and at other times it’s hard to stop grinning. Your inner self and outer self usually share similar feelings. If you’re having a great day because you got an A on your test, got asked to a dance, and are done with your homework, then chances are, other people will notice a smile on your face and a little pep in your step. If your day has been a disaster, then think of some reason to smile—whether it’s a joke you heard last week, a gift you’re getting for your best friend, or a cuddle with your pet. The act of smiling will automatically make you feel better.
Toughen up your body. To get positive energy flowing, practice breathing techniques and body-strengthening moves through yoga. Yoga is relaxing and helps with flexibility, strength, and balance. You will practice very distinct poses that require you to quiet your mind of negative thoughts and focus on your body movement. Any time you are nervous or upset, try the calming effects of yoga to help get your emotions under control.
Find your inner peace. Meditation is a great way to clear your mind and get rid of the stress from the day. Find a quiet place to sit or lie down and close your eyes. Focus on inhaling and exhaling through your nose. Empty your brain of thoughts, and think only about your breathing. Start by doing this for a few minutes a day and work up to thirty minutes as your concentration gets better. There are many different ways to meditate, so do a little research online to see what works for you.
When it comes to spirituality, many people think it has to be tied to a specific religion. They automatically connect it to a church, temple, or synagogue. For some of you this may be true, and for others it may be a different kind of journey. So what does it mean to be spiritual? It means you are on an inner path to self-discovery about your beliefs and how you choose to live. You may have heard of searching for the meaning of life or connecting to something bigger than ourselves. You form this connection with yourself, other people, animals and nature, or a higher power.
Judging people by how they look. I would never put my picture on Instagram if I looked like that.
Practicing spirituality reminds you that life is made up of so much more than your body parts. When you focus on how you look, you can fail to see the beauty that exists everywhere. It’s easy to spend time noticing what your body doesn’t have—whether it’s six-pack abs, a flawless complexion, toned legs, or something else. When you focus on living a spiritual life, your world gets bigger because you realize life has a lot more meaning than how you look. When you feel terrible about your appearance, you have a narrow view of the world because you stop paying attention to everything else around you. Spirituality can give you a sense of purpose on how to connect with the world. Here are some questions to ask yourself when considering the big picture and spirituality.
What three qualities do I value most in people (for example, love, kindness, and respect)? Does appearance make the list?
Do I love and respect the people in my life any more or less based on how they look?
Who do I admire most and why?
Do my thoughts focus on the world around me or just on myself?
Am I a good person?
What gives my life meaning?
Ask yourself some of these questions the next time you look in the mirror. Be on the lookout for your inner beauty. When you treat yourself with compassion and love, you can begin looking at yourself with an appreciation for what makes you unique. Your world will expand when you use a spiritual eye to view what’s truly important in your life.
Spotlight
Chantelle Brown-Young, Model
You wouldn’t expect a contestant on America’s Next Top Model to have spent her childhood being bullied for her looks. Or have memories of being called “zebra” and “cow.” The name-calling began when the skin condition vitiligo caused Chantelle Brown-Young to develop white patches on her face and body. But this didn’t stop her from pursuing her dream of becoming a model and walking the runway. Her inner and outer beauty has kept her in hot demand. She’s traveled the world on modeling assignments and has been featured in fashion magazines. By embracing her uniqueness, she has become a role model. To learn more about Chantelle, also known as Winnie Harlow, visit her website at chantellewinnie.com. By igniting her spark, Chantelle inspires young girls to appreciate their differences!
Your body is only a small part of who you are. Put your time to good use and try to live life to the fullest. Find activities you love to do where time stands still. Hang out with people who make you laugh and see your inner beauty. You’ll forget all about how you look when you’re doing something fun.
Compliment your friends. Chris, I think it’s cool that you get up every morning and run three miles before school.
You are unique. From your head to your toes, everything about you is 100 percent different from anyone else. Embrace all of those differences. They provide the packaging for your inner beauty to shine through. When you feel good about yourself, it shows on the outside. Give yourself the chance to radiate from the inside out.
It’s time to work on your image. If you were a celebrity right now, what suggestions would the president of your fan club have for you? Would they tell you to stop making negative comments about your weight? Or obsessing about how ugly you think you are? Or finding flaws with your talents? Take all the negative things you say about yourself and turn them into positive statements. For example, I’m so short can be turned into a positive statement by thinking of the advantages you have by being small, like I can use my size to dodge my opponents during a soccer game, or I can always find clothes I like. Or, I’m too tall can have advantages like I always stand out in a crowd or It gives me an advantage for playing basketball. Act like you are your own personal fan club president and you are recruiting new members. Now that you’ve got a recipe to increase your star power, take your self-image to the next level. It’s your time to shine!
