I went to Trinity’s room to pack my bag. Jackson and I needed to get going but my mind was spinning. What did Abigail mean? No scratch that, I know what she meant, but how could she even say those words to me. Yes, I know what I’m missing out on, heartbreak. Who needs it? I want to let Jackson in and I want to let go of everything, but I can’t. It’s my fault and I don’t deserve to be loved again. I have to, I have to what?
“I see your mind spinning Lacie. Stop! Just stop it.”
I turned to look at Abigail. She was mad.
“Stop what?”
She moved into the room and slammed the bedroom door shut.
“You know exactly what. You are going to push him away. You’re already trying to figure out how. That man is so in love with you and whether you fully admit it, you love him too.”
I moved within inches of her and said, “No! Do not say that. I can’t, I won’t I just” I dropped to the floor and cried.
Abigail was right there, she pulled me into her arms and held me while I sobbed and let it out.
“I do. I love him and I’m terrified. Adam, I loved Adam and I killed him. How do I love? I don’t deserve it.”
I sobbed on my best friend and she held me until I stopped.
“Listen Lacie. I love you and I don’t know all of what happened with you and Adam, but I can tell you that you did nothing wrong. You were young and in love, Adam made choices that he couldn’t take back. You were not part of that. You did not kill him. Do you understand me? You did nothing wrong, that was all on Adam.”
I shook my head and said, “No, it’s my fault and I can’t take it back, I can’t change it. I can never change what happened that’s why I don’t deserve to be loved.”
I sat there with Abigail and I cried. I cried for the girl I once was, for the boy I once loved more than life itself and I cried for the love that I so desperately wanted and had from Jackson but I had to turn away. I just couldn’t let him know what a terrible person I was.
I could pretend, I could just keep Jackson for a while. I’ve felt these feeling this long, a little while longer couldn’t hurt. I could keep pushing it away, but could I ever truly give everything to Jackson?
Abigail moved from beside me and stood.
“You’re doing it again. I can feel you pull away. I’m begging you Lacie, do not let Jackson go. Tell him what you haven’t told anyone. He deserves that. You deserve that. You deserve to be loved and free. Completely free. I’ve seen you happy for the first time in a long time because you let your guard down and I want to see that continue. I want to see you and Jackson have children and a life like Shawn and I.”
I looked up at my best friend and said, “You can tell me to let go, but you never even told me that Shawn had an affair. You went through that without ever telling me, so how can I tell someone what happened between me and Adam? You kept secrets too. He broke your heart, Abs, and you never confided in me.”
“I wanted to, Lacie, but I had just had a baby. My husband cheated on me and I didn’t know what to do. I was embarrassed. I was hurt and I was trying to figure out how to be a mother. What happened between Shawn and I didn’t need to be discussed outside of him and I. We were both embarrassed and we managed to trust each other and love each other enough to figure out a way to make it work. You need to do that now with Jackson. You need to tell him everything and let him help heal your heart. Yes, it was hard to work things through with Shawn, but as angry and hurt as I was by what he did, I never stopped loving him. Love Lacie, real love. It’s worth anything and everything.”
With that she left me still on the floor in Trinity’s room and still with tears rolling down my face. This weekend was heaven and hell. I did love Jackson. I felt it and I feared it. I wanted to move forward, but how? I got up and finished packing up my things and I heard the door open. I turned to find Jackson standing in the doorway.
“Are you okay Lacie?”
I nodded. He simply opened his arms to me and I crumbled again. This man. He truly loved me and he wanted me. Cracks and all. How did I get him? How do I deserve to keep him?
He held me in his arms, I didn’t sob but the tears left my face betraying me and letting me open for more weakness. I breathed him in and relished the feeling of his arms around me. I wanted to stay right here like this forever. No words, no questions and nothing to interfere with just him and I.
“I hate to say this, Princess, but we really need to get going. We need to say goodbye to everyone and hit the road.”
I pulled back and looked up at him.
“Thank you Jackson for this weekend. Although it’s been very emotional, I really enjoyed being here with you.”
He put his hand on my cheek and I leaned into his touch.
“Oh babe, this is only the beginning. I’m never letting go.”
Before I could process his words, his lips were on mine and he gave me the gentlest kiss. It wasn’t seductive, it wasn’t passionate, but it seared into my soul to relay to me how much he truly loved me and in that moment I knew, I had to finally tell someone how I killed my first love.
The saying goodbye was hard. Hearing Trinity call Jackson Uncle Jax melted my heart. It made me melt. That little girl adored him and Jackson felt the same about her. He loved Ella too but she was a little more reserved.
Trinity, however, threw herself wholeheartedly at Jackson and me. Abigail hugged me and pleaded once more, “Talk to him, Lace. Don’t let him go.”
Shawn hugged me too and he silently pleaded with me too. I know they are right. I can’t hold on to this forever, but how do I come to terms with killing my boyfriend. It’s all my fault.
Jackson looked at me as we made our way home.
“You okay, Princess?”
I looked over at him and smiled, “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you again for the weekend. It was wonderful.”
He was watching the road and I could see his jaw tense before he said, “Don’t block me out. I’m here whenever you want to talk. But most importantly, I want you with me. Stay with me at my house. I’ll pay your rent if you don’t want to give up your apartment for now, but just give us a chance.”
I gasped for a moment, “Jackson, are you saying you want me to move in with you?”
He pulled over on the side of the road then turned to look at me.
“Yes. I want you with me. I want to take care of you, I want to love you and just take every moment I can with you. I won’t ask you to give up your apartment, but I want to share my life with you.”
I was stunned. I mean completely in shock. I stared at him and he was just waiting for me to catch up. My head was spinning and I felt conflicted. I can’t believe he wants to pay for my apartment while I live with him. I can’t do that. Can I?
“Lacie, I see your mind spinning. I have more than enough money that I can afford to pay your rent. If you need to contribute, you can cook and help me keep the place clean. I’ll let the cleaning lady take some time off. I’ll give you money for groceries, and you can save some money for college or whatever. Let me take care of you.”
“Jackson, you are crazy. I can’t ask you to do that for me.” I sputtered.
“You’re not asking me, I want to do this. I want to spend time with you, I want to hold you at night in our bed. I just want to be with you.”
Jackson looked so sincere, I don’t know what happened. My head was screaming no, but my heart took over.
“Yes Jackson. I want that too.”
He pulled me to him and kissed me.
“You have made me so happy, Princess.”
I pulled back and looked into his face and he was beaming. I again was so conflicted, but in my heart I knew I was doing what was right. My head just needed time to catch up.
Jackson was excited as we drove home. He mapped everything out. He said we would stop and pack a few of my things, stop to see his mom and then head back to his house to settle in.
My head was spinning and I felt like I was on the ride of my life. As we drove Jackson was telling me that he was hosting a poker night on Tuesday and that his friend and partner at work, Trevor was stopping after work on Monday to drop off a card table.
“Jackson, we need to go to the store. We can’t have you hosting a poker night without food. I’ll need to get some things and prepare them. I can run to the store after we get back, see your mom and grab me some clothes.” Jackson laughed at me.
“Lacie, relax. We’ll just order pizza. The guys all bring beer so we’re covered.” I turned my head to look at him and said, “No Jackson. You will not just order pizza. I got this. Put your foot into it, we have things to do.”
He shook his head laughing at me but he didn’t fight me on it.
I started running some things through my head and started a mental grocery list. Once we arrived at my place, I put some things in a couple of bags then hurried back to Jackson’s SUV with him. We then headed to the nursing home to see his mom. Upon arriving, Ray greeted us saying he missed me over the weekend. I smiled and felt in my element. We hurried up to Gail’s room, but I let Jackson go in before me. I stopped to see my friend, Vanessa, at the nurses’ station.
“Hey, Nessa, how’s things going?”
She looked up at me and quirked her brow at me.
“Crazy. These women go nuts without you. I hope you enjoyed your time off because I’m never allowing it to happen again.”
I laughed at her and just shook my head.
“You have got to be exaggerating. My ladies are wonderful.”
Vanessa shook her head at me.
“They are evil. If they don’t get their hair set properly, which I might add is only done properly when you do it, if they don’t get their makeup put on for them or perfume or nails painted, God, the list goes on, they are pure evil. How do you do it?”
I stared at my friend and grinned.
“It’s a labor of love. I enjoy taking care of them and making their day special. I’m back. I’ll be in tomorrow to smooth things over. How have you been? It feels like we haven’t connected lately. Things okay?”
My friend shrugged at me and just said, “Things would be better if that hunky man of yours had a brother for me.”
I cracked up laughing and Vanessa grinned.
“You laugh, but I’m fully serious. You have no idea of the pickup lines I have heard lately. God, guys are so lame. No wonder I haven’t been laid in months, and I do mean months, closer to a year.”
I shook my head at my friend and said, “Hang in there Nessa, you’re bound to get your happily ever after.”
She waved me off.
“I’m not interested in happily ever after, just a good happy, satisfying O.”
She winked at me then turned, headed back to the medication room to get ready for dispensing the evening medications. I turned to meet Jackson and visit Gail.