I don’t want to ruin what Jackson and I have but after the lovemaking we shared I had to tell him everything. The first time tonight that we made love was primal, hard and desperate for both of us. We were hungry for one another and nothing was stopping us.
We took our clothes off and before I could process anything Jackson had me spun around on my hands and knees on the bed while he mounted me and pressed deep inside of me. He held onto my hips and pulled me as I pushed him deeper inside of me. My body stretching around him as he pressed so hard and deep inside of me that it almost hurt, but yet it felt so good. He pulled me upright and against his chest while he pulled and twisted my nipples and I ground hard against him.
He growled into my ear then said, “You are so fucking tight around me and I can’t get enough of you.” His hips were pumping hard and fast into me. I pressed harder into him and he continued to talk.
“You are so damn beautiful. I love driving deep into you, so you feel me, so you can only feel me and feel me so deep. Do you feel how hard I am for you? Can you feel me? Fuck Lacie, I am going to make you come so hard for me that you’ll never want to get out of this bed.”
I moaned at his words. I was almost there, I was going to explode around him and I whimpered in his arms.
“You want to come don’t you, Princess? You want to come with me buried inside of you don’t you? Tell me, Lacie are you almost there?”
I moaned and threw my head back onto his shoulder.
“Yes, Jackson, I’m almost there.”
He bit my neck and growled into my ear his command. “Then come. Come now Lacie.”
Fuck how did he do that. No sooner did the words hit my ear then I was squeezing around him, my orgasm taking my breath from my body as I gasped for air. He kept pumping in and out of me, stretching the orgasm so long that I felt like I had not a bone in my body. My scream left my throat as he held me to him, one arm around my waist and the other hand around my throat lightly squeezing feeling my pulse pounding for him.
He stopped pumping and just held himself hard and deep inside of me. It took me a moment to process that he hadn’t come. As my orgasm subsided and I was coming down from the high, I turned my head to look at him.
His jaw was stone, his eyes filled with lust and love and he whispered, “So damn beautiful.”
I gasped his name, barely a whisper, letting it fall from my lips, “Jackson.”
His lips hit mine and he kissed me slow. It was a sultry kiss that melted me into him further. This man was undoing me. He was taking down all my barriers. Where had he come from?
He moved me to lie back on the bed pulling out of me as I whimpered at the loss. I looked at him as he knelt between my legs. He was still hard and swollen for me with all my juices coating him.
“Jackson, you didn’t come.” He took himself into his hand and stroked himself.
“No I didn’t. I wanted to take care of you and now, I’m going to make love to you. I want to watch your face as I make you come again, while going slow and driving you crazy for me. I want you to feel how much I love you as I come deep inside of you.”
I moaned under him as he slid so slowly into me again. Jackson didn’t disappoint. He took my hands above my head holding them there, lacing our fingers together as he moved so slowly inside of me, he kissed my neck and shoulder, gently biting my shoulder and back up to my lips. He kissed me so slow and easy, that I knew I was gone for him. This man was taking my soul with our love making.
His eyes came up to meet mine as he spoke, “I love you Lacie. I love you so damn much.”
I felt him harden inside of me and it made me feel powerful that I could make him so hard for me. I lifted my hips to meet his slow even thrusts. He twisted his hips hitting me in a different spot causing the tremors to break through my body.
“Ahhh, Jackson,” I moaned, “Yes, Jackson.”
He groaned above me and met my eyes.
“Tell me your close, Princess, because I’m about to lose my mind.”
I moaned in answer and he pressed himself hard and deep inside of me as I dissolved. I felt it rise from my toes up my body then I was squeezed so tight around Jackson as he held my gaze and watched me while I fell apart.
“Fuck, Princess,”
Then I felt him let go. His face contorting with such passion and pleasure that I felt myself pulsing harder around him. Then he completely lost his mind, he couldn’t hide it as his face showed the complete surrender as he pulsed hot and hard inside of me.
“Jackson,” I gasped and moaned as I orgasmed again around him.
I gasped and said, “I love you Jackson.”
He was panting and gasping for air as he held my gaze.
“Fuck me, Princess, I’m so lost in you, I love you too.”
We stayed together as he rolled me to face him and held himself inside of me until our breathing slowed too normal. It was too much for me, I was in overload and I needed to breathe. How could he do this to me? How can I let him love me and me love him back? My mind was spinning out of control.
I pulled back and said, “Jackson, I have to go to the bathroom.” He kissed my cheek, pulled out of me, and let me get up.
After I relieved myself and pulled myself together, I walked, naked, back to his bed and crawled in with my back to him. We lay there until he spoke the words, “I could stay like this forever with you, Princess. I don’t ever want to not hold you in my arms.”
I knew it was time, before I fell even harder for this man.
Jackson waited for me to tell him what I knew would destroy us. I sat up in the bed and held the sheet to my breasts, I turned my back to him. I decided I would just let the words fall.
“I killed Adam. I did it, I’m responsible for the fact that he is no longer here.”
I turned to meet his eyes. The look on his face wasn’t horror as I expected it was more confusion.
“I don’t understand, explain.”
I looked into his eyes and told him.
“I loved Adam. I allowed him to be the first. He was my first real love, who I let deep into my soul. He was the first one I ever really kissed, he was the first man I ever made love too, and he was my first real heartbreak.”
I stopped looking away from Jackson for a moment to grab the courage to continue.
“We were getting ready to go off to college and although I loved him more than anything in this world, I didn’t want to hold him back. I was going to be staying here and going to a local college. He was accepted with a full scholarship to a great school and I wanted him to go and experience it all. I was letting him go and it hurt.”
I took a deep breath and continued.
“We went out and we had a great night. We made love in the park on a blanket under the night sky. It was incredible. It was the best way to let us go. I told him that I thought we should go our separate ways and he lost it. He got dressed and started yelling at me. He told me I was nothing but a slut and whore. He called me so many names and I dissolved into tears. I couldn’t believe he turned on me that way.”
Jackson barely contained his rage. It was written all over his face. I continued, “I got dressed and stood up to him. I told him that I loved him more than anything but I didn’t want to hold him back. He pushed me and he continued to yell at me. I had never seen him that way. I was becoming scared of him. I tried again to calm him down and told him that I was going to be staying in town, I would never date anyone because I belonged to him. I told him that I didn’t want anyone else and that I just wanted to give him the freedom to experience whatever he wanted and needed without guilt. When he came home after college I would be right here waiting for him.”
I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face. I was shaking and Jackson pulled me back down to him and wrapped me in the blankets, wrapping his legs around mine but holding me so that he could look into my eyes. He kissed my cheek and then I continued.
“I watched him as he paced in front of me raging about me. He was telling me how I was nothing. I wasn’t even the only girl he was screwing. I was devastated. I stood up to leave and he grabbed me. He held onto me and I yelled at him. I was angry. I told him that I hated him and I never wanted to see him again. I told him that he lied to me and betrayed me. I would never forgive him for that. I told him that I loved him and was true to only him, that he was the only one I ever slept with. I pulled away from him and stormed off. I heard him behind me and I started to run. I needed to get away from him, from his betrayal.”
Jackson growled and I put my hand on his cheek.
“When he caught me, he pulled me tight to him and told me he was sorry, that it was only one time that he needed me to forgive him. He couldn’t help himself it was a mistake and it meant nothing to him. I cried and slapped his face telling him I never wanted to see him again. He begged me to forgive him and told me he wanted me to marry him and come with him. He would get us an apartment to live off campus. I could get a job and he would work too. We could make it work. I shook my head and told him to take me home. He hung his head and he took me home. When he pulled up at my house, he pleaded with me again. I shook my head and told him, I deserve better than what he gave me. He cheated on me and I loved him. I trusted him. I told him he broke my heart. I told him we were through. He told me I would be sorry, then I got out of his car and went in my house.”
Jackson waited. Still holding my gaze. I took a deep breath then went on.
“The next morning I woke up with my mom shaking me and crying. She pulled me to her and said, ‘I’m so sorry baby girl. I’m so sorry.’ I didn’t know what was going on, but I thought somehow she knew that Adam and I broke up. She pulled back and said, ‘Adam is dead. He killed himself last night.’”
I shook so hard, then I felt the nausea rise and I ran to the bathroom, trying not to throw up before I got to the toilet.
I couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down my face.
“I knew it was my fault. He killed himself because of me. I killed him.”
I waited for Jackson to say something. He watched me but didn’t say a word.
The silence between us grew and I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Please say something, Jackson.”
He took a deep breath then let it out. “I’m sorry you went through that, Princess, but I don’t understand why you feel responsible. The jerk cheated on you, lied to you, and then bailed on everyone in his life. That was his choice. You had nothing to do with that decision. That is owned by him.”
I looked into his eyes and I saw truth there. He didn’t blame me for killing Adam. He was being too nice to me about it.
I shook my head. “No, Jackson. It’s my fault. He mailed a letter to me and he told me in that letter that the only reason he was taking his life was because I abandoned him. He said that I would have to live with the fact that I caused his end. He told me that it was my fault.”
Jackson pulled me tight to him.
“This is not your fault, Lacie. He was a coward, telling you that it was your fault. He made his choices. He cheated on you and you did nothing wrong. The boy made his decisions, you didn’t make them for him. You cannot blame yourself for someone else’s actions. Look, if I make a bad purchase for someone and say to you Lacie, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I made a snap decision on someone’s land, is that your fault? No. I made the decision I choose that property. The decision had nothing to do with you.”
I stared up at him.
“But Jackson, I broke up with him. I told him I didn’t want to see him again. I told him I wouldn’t marry him. He killed himself that night, because of me.”
He shook his head at me.
“No, Princess, he killed himself because he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him, because of his wrong decisions. He made the choice. You were being unselfish letting him go. You were giving him the okay to leave and live life while you stayed home to be faithful to him. He was a young boy. He was never going to be faithful to you in college. You were giving him the freedom to fuck as he pleased, which I might add was nice of you to do. But if he truly loved you, he would have never cheated in the first place and going off to college wouldn’t have made him stray.”
I moved pulling away from Jackson.
“You just can’t understand how I feel. I’m responsible. I caused this by breaking up with him. I made him think I didn’t love him, that I didn’t want him.”
Jackson was angry now.
“No Lacie. He didn’t love you enough to stick it out. To own his mistakes and to see the gesture you gave him that was purely selfless. Do you think I would accept you walking away from me? Do you think that I would allow you to walk out of my life and not come after you?”
I shrugged my shoulders at him and he growled.
“Hell no! I would walk to the ends of the earth for you and I would never let you go. Lacie, love is making sacrifices for one another. It’s being there with and for someone at their best and worst. It’s standing true and faithful by their side no matter what comes in front of them. Love is true, forever and the most wonderful thing that can happen to someone. We have that. Love can withstand anything. Lacie I love you. Nothing from your past, nothing you could tell me would ever change that except if you didn’t love me back.”
My head was spinning. I looked into his eyes and said, “No Jackson, I love you so much but I have held this inside for so long that I don’t know how to let go of the guilt, the shame and the fear that I don’t deserve love.”
He came over me, pressing me back to the bed.
“You let me love you and you love me back. You move on with your life, making decisions for yourself and us. You let go of the past and you stop taking responsibility for the things others do. Let them own their own mistakes.”
I sighed into him and brought my hands to his face.
“I love you Jackson. I want to let go. I want to accept love. I want to be loved by you.”
Without another word Jackson’s lips were on mine and he kissed me with a passion and fire that I’ve never known before him. That kiss lit me on fire and drove me wild for him. He made me feel more than I’ve ever felt my whole life and here, now in this bed I knew he was right.
I held on to Adam’s mistakes as if they were my own. I made myself believe that I caused his death. That I drove him to it, when in truth, he made his own decisions and I was a scapegoat for him. I was someone he could blame in order to not take responsibility for his own actions. Just like I allowed myself to believe that James couldn’t love me because I wasn’t worthy of love, or that Rex raped me because I was a horrible person and on some level thought I deserved what I got.
My mind had been so twisted and brutalized by the death of Adam that I allowed people to hurt me because I felt unworthy. Here, now in this man’s arms I felt worthy of his love. I felt that I deserved him and the life he wanted to give us. I finally felt like I was home.
I pulled my lips from his and I smiled at him.
“Jackson, thank you.”
He looked at me with questions in his eyes.
“For what, Princess?”
I grinned bigger than I had in a long time as I spoke.
“For opening my heart. For loving me when I couldn’t love myself. For making me see what it truly means to be loved by someone. For releasing me from my past and giving me a future. For everything Jackson. Thank you for giving me your heart.”
He kissed my lips gently and said, “No, Princess. Thank you for being you. You not only have my heart, but you own my soul. Marry me, Lacie. Tomorrow, next week, next month. I don’t care when but marry me.”
I gasped, “You’re not serious?”
Jackson got out of bed, naked and went to his dresser pulled something out and came to me. He knelt on the floor and said, “This totally isn’t how I planned this. I wanted something romantic, beautiful and something where I had clothes on, but Princess, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want that life to start now. I want my forever to begin right now. Lacie, I can’t imagine my life without you in it and I don’t care if I’ve known you for a day or a week, you are the one I was meant for just as I was the one meant for you. Please say yes.”
I was crying. I didn’t care if we were both naked. That was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me. There was no way I could deny him anything.
“Jackson, you take my breath away. You love me so deeply that I would be a fool not to feel it. You’ve given me hope, belief in myself and you’ve made me the happiest woman alive. There is nothing I want more than you right now, except to be your wife, your partner and your world just as you are mine. Yes, I want to marry you more than I want to take my next breath. I love you.”
With that he slid the ring on my finger and he pushed me back onto the bed kissing me.
“Baby, I love you so much. You will never regret being mine. Never, Princess. I will give you the world.”
I laughed, “I already have it, it’s right here in my arms.”
We made love again then fell asleep in one another’s arms for a few hours before morning woke us and took us back to our normal lives. I was up showering when I felt him move in behind me.
“Jackson, we are going to be late.”
He nibbled my neck and I could feel how much he didn’t care about being late, pressed into my backside. He moaned against my skin and pressed me up against the shower wall.
“Do you really care about being late, or do you want me to continue?”
I laughed and he pressed harder into my back.
“Tell me, Princess, tell me what you want.”
I felt the need in him as my need for him grew.
“I need you. I only need you Jackson.”
He moaned and I felt him urge my legs apart as he pressed himself into me. He pulled my hips to him then he took my hands above my head against the shower wall, lacing our fingers together as I pressed myself back into him, and he pushed deeper and deeper inside of me. Our breaths became gasps and our moans echoed throughout the shower stall as he growled into my ear, “Never enough, God, I can never get enough of you.”
I felt the tremors ripping through my body as I gasped his name then screamed it as he pressed hard and deep inside of me. With the scream of his name across my lips he met me and let loose with a roar of his own that echoed through my soul.