Chapter 12

Lacie

The way he touches me, the way he makes love to me, oh my God, how do I walk away from this. I never felt that connection. I had never come completely undone this way. Oh my God, this man was completely dangerous to me. I need to get out. I need to get away, to breathe, to think. No I need to forget. He wanted an answer from me, he wanted me to agree with him. I had no other choice.

“Yes Jackson. I felt it. It was incredible.”

She would tell him the truth, but she would still leave to protect herself, to protect him from her. There was no other choice.

Jackson moved to the bathroom to clean up and dispose of the condom. Then he came back to her and wrapped her in his arms under the covers of the bed that was more luxurious than she’d ever felt. Jackson kissed her neck and her shoulder and he pulled her tight to him.

“So damn beautiful, Lacie. God, I can’t wait to do that over and over again.”

Letting a tear escape, I responded, “Neither can I.”

Knowing that would be the last time.

Waiting until I felt him fall asleep beside me. I eased little by little out of his grasp. Finding my clothes in the darkness. I dressed quickly, then took one last look at the beautiful man before I turned to leave the room. Walking down the hall past his office I stopped. Going in sitting at his desk I pulled out paper and a pen.

Jackson,

Last night was the most amazing night of my life. I will never forget how you made me feel. Never have I ever felt so special or beautiful as I did in your arms. You are an amazing man and deserve someone just as amazing. I am not her. I am not able to love someone. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t trust anyone with my heart and I definitely can’t trust you.

My life has been so very different from yours and I wish I’d met you years ago, another time another place, that may have made a difference, but unfortunately my life was already changed.

Jackson you deserve someone who can love you completely and fully with their heart and soul. You deserve to have someone in your life on the same level as you. I am not that girl. Our lives are too different and one of us will get hurt.

Please understand, but I have to leave. I have to forget and I need you to let me go. Please Jackson, don’t contact me, don’t come to my apartment and please don’t give me a second thought.

Goodbye, Jackson, I hope you find the woman that you deserve.

Lacie

Carrying the note to the kitchen, I left it on the counter for him. Leaving his house, I couldn’t help but look back at it before I walked the direction he drove us upon our arrival. Not being able to afford a cab, I’d have to walk until I could find a bus stop or something but for now I needed the walk to clear my head. Was I doing the right thing? I wanted nothing more than to run back into that house and snuggle under the blankets with him, but doing that, taking that risk, could be the final thing that buried me. I couldn’t let my heart free again.

My body was screaming at me and I was tired. I was ready for a hot shower and my bed. I needed sleep. The night air was cold. I wished I’d grabbed my sweater before leaving my apartment, but at least the cool air was keeping me awake. I walked for a long time.

The stars and moon lighting my way, but soon the sun would start to rise. Soon I would need to be getting ready for work on no sleep. It was going to be a long day.

Once I found a bus stop, I checked the pick-up times on my phone. The bus I needed luckily was due in about ten minutes. I sat on the bench waiting. I dug in my purse and pulled out the change needed for the ride home. When the bus pulled up, I boarded the bus and sat down trying to clear my mind, trying to let Jackson go. I thought about what Jackson’s reaction would be upon waking up and finding my note. He was going to hate her and maybe that was best. It would keep him from trying to find her and contact her. Maybe him hating her would be for the best.

The motion of the bus was rocking her body and the warmth was seeping into my skin making me drowsy. Closing my eyes for a moment I could see my dad. He was reaching out to me, telling me to go back. Be happy, find your happiness. The bus hit a bump and jolted me awake. Looking out the window, I realized I was almost at my stop. Thinking about Dad and his urging, I knew he wouldn’t want me to be hurt. I knew he would agree with the decision to walk away. It was what was best for both of us.

Arriving at home, taking a hot shower and laying down for an hour on the bed was all there was time for. Needing to just rest long enough to be functional. When the alarm went off, I woke up and couldn’t even bring my thoughts to anything but Jackson.

Moving to the kitchen and brewing some coffee, extra strong. Changing my clothes, splashing some cold water on my face, brushing my teeth and hair, I felt semi-presentable. I moved back to the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee, pouring the to go cup. Once my cup was empty, it was time to head to my Jeep and drive to work.

“Good morning Ray.”

I smiled at the security guard, but I could feel it wasn’t my usual bright smile, at least I was trying.

“Good morning Miss Lacie. Ready to see your ladies this morning?”

“Best part of my day.”

Riding the elevator to the floor I worked on, I headed through the game room and Lou was already studying the checkerboard.

I couldn’t help but groan, “Not today Lou. I didn’t have a really good night. Can I take a rain check on a game today?”

Lou smiled, “Of course Lacie, I would never steal candy from a baby. You need to be sharp to play against me.”

I laughed and patted his shoulder.

“Something bothering you Lacie? Do you need Lou to take care of you?”

I smiled the best I could and said, “No Lou. I’m fine. I just let my guard down a bit and I’m trying to let it all go so I can pull myself back together.”

Lou took Lacie’s hand in his, “Maybe you need to let your guard down. Let someone see how wonderful you are, besides us old geezers here. You may always be smiling and our ray of sunshine, but anyone who looks deep enough sees that you’re not truly happy.”

Looking at Lou I felt like he was speaking a different language. No one could see she wasn’t happy, she was happy, wasn’t she?

“I’m fine Lou. I’m happy.”

Lou shook his head, “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Lacie, but know you don’t need to pretend with us. We all see it. Besides, we’re masters at pretending we’re happy here instead of where we really want to be. If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”

Smiling I said, “Thanks Lou. I’ll keep that in mind.”

The day passed by uneventfully, I kept busy and moved as much as I could. The end of the shift, I didn’t change clothes again as I was going to go straight home to bed tonight. But first I promised Gail some more of the story.