The only thing I really don’t want to talk about is what she wants to know. God, how I wish I could just ignore it, but for her, I would walk through fire. How much should I say? How much would satisfy her? Damn, I really don’t want to ruin this night with thoughts of Diane.
I continued stroking her back and decided to just start talking.
“I met her. God, I can’t even tell you how long ago. I was pretty naïve about who she was and what she was capable of. I never saw it coming. My parents didn’t care for her but for me they tolerated her. My sister, she kept her opinion to herself, never even after the break-up would she tell me what she thought. But Mom and Dad both were vocal about their dislike of her.”
“I never told them what happened, why we split and why I called off my pending marriage to her. I never will tell anyone, but tonight, I’ll tell you. When I met her, I thought she would make a good wife. We dated, I thought we could have something. I dove in as I tend to do without much thought. But my heart wasn’t in it. I thought I loved her. I spent a lot of time trying to keep her happy. I did whatever she wanted and I worked as much as I could to provide for the things she wanted. My house I built for us, or I should say I started to build it for us. We broke up before the build started, so I was able to change things to suit me.”
Lacie shifted in my arms.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?”
She nodded and watched my face as she gently stroked my chest.
“I was at the office late one night and when I got to our apartment, she was frantic. I had to calm her down before I could find out the root of the problem. Finally, she told me she was pregnant. I was thrilled, she wasn’t. She told me she was getting an abortion. I was furious. I didn’t think about things too much at that time but later I wondered how it was possible. I mean I always wore a condom. Never once did I forget, never once did I rip it or did it bust, but it’s possible right?”
Lacie’s gaze never left me, nor did she answer.
“A week later she told me she had the abortion. I was furious. I left the apartment and stayed with my parents for a week to cool off. She called me every day and all the calls went to voice mail. I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t care. She killed my child. I was starting to see that Diane only cared about herself. She never lifted a finger to help my family, or me. She was selfish, self-centered and self-involved. She would have made a horrible mother and wife. But I had already proposed. The wedding date was set, so I plunged forward. I drove to our apartment and decided it was time for a long talk.”
I kissed Lacie’s forehead and paused. She moved closer to me and moved her head to kiss my lips.
“I’m sorry Jackson. I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t want to cause you pain.”
I smiled at her.
“It was painful for a long time, Lacie, but now the only pain is not having my child, not knowing, the constant wonder. I imagine much like you feel at times. I feel cheated.”
Lacie nodded agreement. I continued with the end of Diane and me.
“I arrived at our apartment. We had an upper-level entry that looked down on the living area. When I walked in and looked down, I heard the moans first, then I saw them. My best friend had Diane over the end of the sofa, fucking her brains out. I stood there for a moment and thought the craziest thought. I thought how tame our sex life was. How she never seemed to want to be messed up. She just performed a duty. Seeing her with Todd made me realize that this wasn’t the woman I thought she was. She was a fake. A liar and a cheat. She would never be good enough for me and nothing I would ever do would make her happy. She looked up at me, grinned, then said to Todd, ‘harder Todd, fuck me harder.’ He did, and I turned and walked out the door. It was her show. It was all a game to her. I went back to my parents, told them the engagement and the wedding were off.”
Lacie sat up on her elbow. “You didn’t confront her? Or him? You just left?”
I nodded.
“Why?” she asked me.
I thought for a moment then answered clearly and honestly.
“Because I didn’t care. I realized I was nothing to her but a social status. I was never going to mean anything to her. I realized that I never loved her. Never.”
She wrapped her arms around me. “Oh, Jackson. I’m sorry.”
I kissed her shoulder and up her neck.
“Lacie, don’t be sorry. I’m not. I mean, I was a real bastard for a lot of years since then. I was a workaholic, a real manwhore. I slept with women once and then I was done with them. I wasn’t a good man. I wasn’t who I truly am inside. For a long time, all I wanted was to get what I needed from a woman and move on. After meeting you, I realized I was no better than her. I wanted more. I wanted to fall in love and I wanted someone to love me back. I wanted an unselfish love.”
Lacie pulled back and looked into my face. Our eyes locked.
“I needed you, Lacie. I was always looking for you. I’m not stupid enough to let you go. I’m not crazy enough to have protected sex with you and not take the chance of getting you pregnant and keeping you for me. I’m a selfish bastard and I will keep you. I will never let you go.”
I felt her shudder in my arms.
“Jackson,”
I pressed my fingers to her lips, silencing her words.
“Don’t say it. Just don’t say anything right now. Let all I said process. For tonight, don’t hate me for wanting to trap you.”
Lacie’s eyes welled up with tears and I pulled her to me so I didn’t have to look at them. So I didn’t have to face the fact that I made her cry.
I felt her breathing change and I knew she had fallen asleep. I laid there holding her and wondering what the morning would bring. Would she hate me? Would she still want to be with me? Would I second guess the things I told her? I drifted off to sleep after tormenting myself with my thoughts which became too much to bear.
I woke up in the morning and I was alone in the bed. Lacie was gone. Damn it! I walked around the suite we were in and looked for her. Her clothes were still there, but she was gone. I called the front desk and asked if they knew where she was. The desk clerk advised that there was a woman on the back patio, but he was unsure if it was who I was looking for. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt then slid my shoes on to race down to the place where we had dinner last night.
I reached the patio, but she wasn’t there. I was ready to lose my mind. I moved to the table where we ate last night and I remembered how beautiful she looked. I remembered how she looked at me. Now, she ran from me. Damn it, where was she? I turned to look down the stairs toward the lake and gazebo and there she was. She was standing inside the gazebo, looking at the lake. My body moved toward her and I didn’t stop till I was at the steps to enter the gazebo.
“I thought you left me,” I said to her.
She didn’t turn to look at me. She didn’t acknowledge me. I was terrified. I watched her with her arms hugging herself as she leaned against the pillar looking at the lake with the sun coming up. It was an absolutely stunning picture. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and I snapped the picture. I never wanted to forget her or this one perfect moment if she chose to walk out on me.
Yes, I told her I was never letting her go but I couldn’t hold her against her will. I couldn’t chain her in my bedroom for the rest of her life. I would fight for her though. I would do whatever I could to make her want me again. For now, I waited for her to say something.
Lacie stood and watched the lake rippling and the sun gleaming off it. I saw her shoulders shake. Was she crying? I heard her sharp intake of breath then her voice washed over me. She kept her back to me as she spoke.
“I’ve been up for a few hours now, thinking. Wondering about so many things. I spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t meet someone who wanted me. Who wanted the same things in life that I had wanted. I thought about James and Rex. I thought about the relationships I had with them. I realized that James was truly more of a fascination. He gave me a little of himself then ran off. He would tell me things to keep me holding on to a fantasy life that I built up in my head but he always let me down. Did I love him? I thought I did, but now after a lot of thought, I realized it wasn’t love.”
I took a step into the gazebo and said, “Lacie, please don’t do this.”
She ignored me and continued.
“Rex, well, he was a different story. I know a part of me loved him. The side of him that he showed me that was gentle, loving and caring. It was all a lie. Our relationship was built on a lie. I don’t know who he really was. I never really knew the real Rex. The things he said to me at the end and what he did to me, well those things were the real Rex, not the Rex I was in love with. Losing my baby was probably the best thing that could have happened to her or him. I was too busy living in a fantasy. Too busy feeling sorry for myself to raise a child. Not to mention that I would have been bound to a man who was nothing but a fake.”
Lacie turned looking me in the face. Her eyes were red from crying. Tear streaks went down her face. I moved toward her but she stopped me by putting up her hand.
“No, Jackson. Just listen.”
I moved back and leaned against the opposite side of the gazebo and watched the sunlight glint off her beautiful dark mane of hair. I waited for her to gather her thoughts.
She began again.
“I grew up sheltered. Losing my grandfather hurt because he loved me so much. I remember what that felt like. I chased that feeling for a lot of years, hoping to replicate it, hoping to find someone who loved me with their whole heart. My grandmother leaving me was hard too because she was my sounding board. She kept me level-headed and grounded. Not living in fairy tales. My dad…”
She paused as the tears threatened to choke her. They were running down her face now and I had to grip the rail of the gazebo to keep from moving to her.
“That loss was greater than anything I had ever endured. It was unexpected and there were too many things left unsaid. Too many things left undone and I hate that I never really took the time to visit like I should have, or called like I could have. He was a good man. He had his faults, but he loved me. He loved me his way.”
Lacie turned her back again to glance at the lake.
“Lacie,” I started,
“I’m not finished, Jackson.”
She spun back around and looked at me. “Not even close to being finished.”
I waited, my heart in my throat, pounding away. Her eyes drifted to the floor of the gazebo as she continued.
“My dad wanted me to be happy. He always told me ‘There is a man out there that will be enough for you, and you for him. He will take care of you and you need to let him. Don’t close your heart off because of the past, take chances and let someone in.’ He told me that the last time we spoke and he told me that after James too. He always told me but I never believed there would ever be a man to love me. I never believed that I would find someone who could make me feel so much that I would take a chance and open my heart. I never believed that there was a man out there who could make me feel loved like my grandfather did.”
She brought her gaze up to meet mine.
“Until you, Jackson.”
I was ready to launch myself at her. She knew it and held her hand up to keep me locked where I was.
“I met you and something inside of me started to heal. The night at your house was amazing. I promised myself I would allow myself only that night to feel, that’s why I left you. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I didn’t want to trust or to believe in someone again only to find out it was just a fantasy again. Things changed for me because of you. The night I made you dinner at your house and you said to me, ‘You’re stronger than you think. You are tough, but soft. You are beautiful, but fierce. Feel that woman. Feel everything. Stop hiding from your pain, embrace it and let it free. Be vibrant, be you.’ That changed me. I got up before you and I stared at myself in the mirror. I tried to see what you saw.”
I couldn’t help myself I moved away from the rail of the gazebo and took a step toward her.
“I looked into my eyes and I replayed my life. I started to let it all go. I wanted to be the woman you saw, only I realized I wanted her to be me. I wanted to be that woman for you, to you and because of you. Then last night hearing you talk about Diane I realized I wanted to kick her ass. I realized that I wanted to hurt her for hurting you. I realized that, yes my past happened, but you had a past too and it didn’t bury you. You kept going. You took a chance on me. Me. I realized this morning that I am strong.” She took a step toward me.
“I am fierce.” She took another step.
“I am brave.” Again she took a step forward.
“I am whole.” She was just two steps away from me.
“I am sexy.” She now stood just a step away.
“And I am completely and totally in love with you, Jackson.”
Her hand came up to my chest and held me from crushing her to me.
“I fell in love with you that first night we met. I didn’t know it then, but I do now. I know that you’re the man who loves me like my grandfather did. You love me with your whole heart and soul. You would do anything for me, just like he would have and you make me feel sexy, alive and like there is no other place I want to be. I don’t know if you love me, Jackson, but I sure as hell love you and I will never let go. Even if I still don’t believe I deserve love.”
She grabbed my shirt, pulled me to her and crushed her mouth to mine. My hand threaded through her hair and I pulled her head back to tip it to me, giving me more access to deepen the kiss. I drank her in and I heard her whimper under my lips. I felt her body pressing against mine and my heart was pounding harder and harder in my chest. This was the moment that I would never forget. Lacie was mine. I was never giving her back.
My phone rang out from my pocket and I tried to ignore it, but the caller hung up when it reached voice mail, and they called back. The ringing kept on, so I tore myself from Lacie.
“This better be important.”
“Hello?”