I parked Abigail’s car behind Jackson’s and quietly closed the door. I watched him moving with his back to me and I walked up behind him.
“She can continue working if she wants or just volunteer. I can more than support her and any number of children we’d have. I promise you I’ll never hurt her. I will always love her.”
Did he just say to my dad that he loves me? I was ready to interrupt but then he said, “I really wish you were here to give me a sign. Anything to let me know you’re okay with this.”
I spoke, “Did you just say you love me?”
Jackson spun around and looked at me as though I appeared out of thin air.
“Lacie. What are you doing here?”
I moved closer to him but far enough away that I couldn’t reach out and touch him.
“I asked you first.”
He stared at me.
“Yes. I did. Why does that seem to surprise you?”
I looked down at the ground then back up into his eyes.
“Because after I told you I loved you we were interrupted and then you never said it to me. I thought maybe I misread things. I thought maybe I pushed too far.”
Jackson took a step toward me then stopped.
“Lacie, I have said it a thousand times in my head and I’m sorry that you ever doubted it. But I love you. I have loved you since the day I met you. I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with you every day, every moment I’ve spent with you. There is no one else for me. You, you are the one. The only one I want.”
I felt the tears fill my eyes and I felt them roll down my face.
“For real Jackson? For real?”
He nodded at me.
“Words, Jackson. I need the words.”
He laughed then said, “Yes Lacie for real and forever. I love you.”
I took the last few steps to him and I threw my arms around his neck pulling him in to kiss me. That was when I heard it.
Finally, I can rest. Finally, you have found your match. Trust him. I do. He is good, baby girl. He is good.
I pulled away from Jackson and I looked into his eyes.
“I love you Jackson and I know my dad approves. Thank you for coming here. Thank you for meeting my friends and for loving me, even though I don’t deserve to be loved.”
Jackson looked at me saying, “Lacie, there will never be enough days in my life to love you enough. I don’t understand why you feel you don’t deserve to be loved. Princess you deserve it more than most.”
He leaned down and kissed me again. Yes, he was it for me. As many times as I’ve doubted Jackson’s love, as many times as I’ve doubted myself through getting to know him, I’m done with that, except I still know I don’t deserve to be loved. I’ve finally heard him tell me he loves me. There is nothing more I need. I do trust Jackson. I believe him and what he says. My stupid head sometimes just runs off, not allowing me to let go of a past that I never share. My head is a little like Trinity’s mouth and her endless questions. I chuckle softly.
“Is something funny, Princess?”
Jackson pulls back to look at me.
“No, Jackson. I was just thinking about Trinity, how her questions and her endless stream of talking is. That’s why I said to you the other night, ‘Trinity much?’ That girl is something else. I hope we have kids just like her.”
Jackson beamed down at me.
“As soon as we get back home, I’m going to work on solving that.”
I pushed his chest lightly and smiled up at him.
“This is really happening isn’t it Jackson?”
He quirked a brow, “What’s really happening, Princess?”
I held his eyes, “You and me. We’re really happening?”
I felt the growl come from Jackson’s chest as he took me by the back of my neck and pulled me to crush my mouth under his.
I felt my body shiver in his grasp and I felt the moan come up my throat as he pressed himself against me and he took my lips with the force I’ve come to crave from him, but all too soon he broke the kiss and placed his forehead against mine.
“You better believe it, Princess. This is happening and there will be a happily ever after at the end of this story.”
I couldn’t help but smile at his words. Who would have thought I would have a happily ever after? I turned my eyes to look at my dad’s grave and I said, “Thank you dad. Thank you for sending me Jackson. Thank you for helping me to believe in what was happening. I love you, Dad. I miss you so much.”
Jackson tightened his hold on me as I spoke to my dad and he didn’t let go. We stood there for a while not saying a word, just holding one another and Jackson just let me softly cry while I remembered my dad and thought how much he would like Jackson.
In my head I said to my dad, I know I don’t deserve his love, I’m not the woman he thinks I am. I’ve let someone down before and I always kept myself from truly loving anyone that way again, but how can I stop this? My heart breaks just thinking about walking away. Dad, I need your support, I wish you were here.
It was a bittersweet moment for me and I wished things could have been different but I was glad for the man who gave me strength and courage right now. I was also hoping my dad could take away the thoughts that never seem to let me go, to let me love wholeheartedly.
We left the cemetery and went back to Abigail’s. When we arrived, Abigail told me that she and Jackson had some things to discuss and they’d be back in a few hours. Then without any further conversation they were gone.
I looked at Shawn confusion present on my face.
“What in the ever-living hell was that about?”
Shawn shrugged. “Who knows with Abs. I love the woman, but I just can’t keep up some days.”
I laughed and Shawn suggested we walk to the park with the girls.
On the way to the park Shawn was quiet, but seemed like he was holding back.
“Shawn? Is there something on your mind?”
We walked a few more steps, then he looked over at me.
“Yes, actually there is. I’m worried, Lacie.”
I felt anxious at his words, “Worried about what exactly?”
Shawn was quiet but then said, “Can I just be upfront with you?”
I nodded and he continued.
“I’m worried about you. I really like Jackson. The girls adore him and Abigail likes him.”
I smiled.
“But what are you doing? I mean Lacie, since you’ve been here, you seem to keep running hot and cold. The man deserves all of you. You can’t keep playing cards in, cards out. You deserve better too you know.”
I stopped for a second then recovered.
“I know Shawn. I have not been fair to Jackson. To be honest, I’m surprised he’s still here. I’ve been afraid to trust. It’s not easy. I mean you and Abigail have been together forever, you guys trust one another and love each other. I’m still learning about Jackson and him about me. It’s hard.”
We reached the park and the girls ran off to slide on the sliding board. Shawn looked at me.
“I cheated on Abigail.”
I felt my chin drop and was at a loss for words.
“It happened after Ella was born and we were not handling parenthood. Well I wasn’t handling parenthood. I was scared. I felt like Abs didn’t have time for me and the baby. I was an ass.”
“Wait, does Abigail know?”
Shawn nodded his head yes.
“We had a difficult time for years after my adultery. I promised her I regretted it. I begged her forgiveness. I’ve only ever loved one woman my whole life and that is her.”
I stepped away from Shawn.
“I don’t think I should, I mean I don’t think I want to hear this.”
Shawn moved toward me.
“No, you need to hear this. Abigail had a difficult time trusting me. For years there was nothing I could do or say that she would believe. I slept on the sofa for months. I tried so hard to make her trust me, but I couldn’t.”
I shook my head at him, “I can’t believe this. I want to hurt you right now. How did I not know this?”
Shawn turned his back to me and watched the girls.
“Abigail swore she never wanted anyone to know. She made me swear to never speak of it again or she was done.”
I moved to stand in front of him, “Then why are you telling me now?”
Shawn’s eyes met mine.
“Because you need to hear this. You need to see that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and trust someone even though you’ve been hurt or they hurt you. Everything is not fairy tales Lacie.”
I pushed his shoulder.
“You’re a dick Shawn! I’m not your child. I know everything is not always fairy tales. I’ve lost so much through my life and I struggled. I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He raped me, do you think that shit was fun? Do you think that the unicorns flew above my head and sprinkled magic fairy dust over my head? No the unicorns shit on my head Shawn. How could you have done that to her? How can you stand here and preach to me now?”
Shawn stayed calm and said, “I can stand here now and tell you this because I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me because I was scared. I felt like my whole life had changed and I didn’t know what to do. I made a huge mistake Lacie. I paid for it for years. Abigail and I struggled to keep things going. I did whatever she wanted. I gave her all I could until one day I couldn’t anymore. I told her I couldn’t pay for my mistake forever. She either had to forgive me so we could move forward, or I would give her a divorce and set her free.”
“Are you shitting me? You told her basically that she had to forgive you or you would divorce her? You are a dick! You are not the man I thought you were.”
I was so angry I turned and stormed away from him. He caught me and grabbed my arm.
“No, Lacie. You didn’t listen to what I said. You jumped to a conclusion about what I said, but you didn’t listen. You need to listen.”
I pulled my arm away from him.
“No I don’t need to listen. You cheated and then made her feel bad about it?”
Shawn shook his head.
“I told her that she needed to forgive me or I would walk away and let her try to find happiness. That’s what I was willing to do. I was going to give the only woman I ever loved her freedom. I would always be bound to her for Ella, but I was going to let her try to find happiness with someone who deserved her.”
I looked at Shawn and saw the pain there. He was willing to walk away from her to let her try to be happy with someone else.
“What happened Shawn?”
He let a faraway look cross his face then he said, “The only thing that could happen. Abigail left. She left me for a week. She left Ella with me and she went to think. When she returned to me she told me she tried to hate me. She tried to have an affair to hurt me back but she couldn’t. She loved me. She loved the life we had until I screwed it all up. She wanted her life back. She told me that if I ever strayed again, she would cut my dick off herself, but that she wanted to find our way back to one another. She told me that she forgave me. She told me that I would have to live with what I had done for the rest of my life and that she had no ownership of what I’d done.”
I looked at Shawn and I know shock was written all over my face.
“Just like that she forgave you?”
Shawn nodded.
“Lacie, it took us years to finally be back to us. It was rough. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t regret hurting her the way I did, but I spent every day with her making her believe that she was the only woman I’d ever want for the rest of my life.”
I didn’t understand why Shawn was telling me this. It made me question my relationship even more now with Jackson. If Shawn could stray on Abigail, then how was Jackson not going to stray?
Shawn shook his head, “Lacie stop. I see your head spinning. I’m telling you this for a reason.”
I shook my head, “Then you better get to the reason because I’m completely freaking out right now.”
Shawn took a deep breath then said, “Abigail took a leap of faith in trusting me again. When she found out she was pregnant with Trinity, she didn’t worry that I would stray again like I did with Ella. She didn’t question me to death about where I was if I worked late, she didn’t even get nervous about me running off with someone after she delivered Trinity. She trusted me because she let go of the past. She wanted us to work. She wanted us to be the family we are. She believed in me and she loved me with her whole heart. That is what I have to live with Lacie. I have to live with the guilt that I wasn’t the man I should have been for her, but I will never stop trying to show her that I am him now and forever.”
I still was confused by Shawn’s words.
“Don’t you get it Lacie? Abigail was the strong one. She proved to me that love was enough. She showed me courage, strength and love even when I didn’t truly deserve it. She showed me that by letting go of the past. She let all her concerns and hurt go in order to let us be happy together. I asked her once if she ever regretted her decision to stay with me and do you know what she said?”
I looked at Shawn with tears rolling down my cheeks.
“No, what did she say?”
Shawn took a deep breath and smiled, “She said, ‘never have I regretted one moment of my time and life with you. Even the darkest time led us to be who we are today. To regret the past only allows weakness and we are stronger than that. We are braver than that and we are who we are because of that. I love you Shawn and I’ve never stopped. No regrets.’ Abigail is an amazing woman and I love her every day for being strong enough for both of us. Let go of the past forever Lacie. Believe in what’s in front of you and don’t waste time or make foolish mistakes with what you have. Let go and live for now. That means finally letting someone hear the pain of what you’ve held back for so long. The love that you had and you blame yourself for losing. You need to let it out and let go finally and forever.”
I cried and Shawn pulled me into his arms and I let him. I wasn’t angry with him anymore. I still loved him like a brother. What right did I have to judge him when Abigail was able to forgive him and trust him again? But what he said, what he asked of me to let go and tell someone the pain of my past, the one love that I never speak about not even to Abigail, no I couldn’t tell that story.
Shawn just held me while I cried and I let go. There in that park I let go of the pain, the anger, the hurt, the lies and everything that held me back from taking the chance with Jackson. I wanted to have everything and I wanted it with him. It was time to believe in him and most importantly to believe in myself, that I was worth his love. It was time for me to try and let the love in and try to forget the past, but how? I can never let anyone inside the pain of that one love, never.
Shawn and I left the park with the girls and we walked back to the house. Shawn held his arm around my shoulder and I rested my head on his shoulder. We were okay, just as he and Abigail were okay. Just as Jackson and I would be okay. My heart was so full.
This trip to bring Jackson to my life, to my hometown was emotional, but it was the best weekend of my life, because it made me see that I needed to be set free from myself in order to find love for me. It was time to let Lacie be loved, well as loved as she could be without fully letting go because to do that, to let go, I had to believe that I deserved love and wasn’t responsible for losing the man I had once loved.