“Okay Gail. That’s it for tonight. I need to get some rest.” I got up and moved to grab my things.
“What’s wrong Lacie?”
I turned to look at her and smiled.
“Nothing. I’m fine. I just had a rough night last night and I didn’t get much rest.”
Gail shook her head.
“I’m not buying it. What happened to keep you from getting any sleep?”
I was too tired to fight it.
“I met someone the other night and we went out again last night. We had quite an evening, but I’m not going to see him again.”
Gail looked at me, “Why?”
“Gail, I really don’t feel like getting into this tonight. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”
Gail shook her head no.
“I’d rather you tell me now. Were you not attracted to this man? Did he treat you poorly? What?”
I sunk back into the chair and I dropped my head.
“He did nothing wrong. In fact, he did everything right. He’s handsome, hard-working and he was incredibly thoughtful. But I’m not looking for love.”
Gail shook her head when I looked up at her.
“Oh that my dear is where you are wrong. You don’t look for love, love will find you. Give him a chance. What do you have to lose Lacie?”
I stood up and said, “I’ll think about it Gail, but right now, I just need to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Gail nodded and said, “Okay. Get some rest my dear.”
I left Gail’s room and I thought about her words. I had everything to lose and yet I had nothing. I live in a crummy apartment, barely making ends meet. My mom lived too far away for me to visit and I couldn’t afford a move when I barely made ends meet now. I had lost people I’d loved too many times that I just couldn’t go there again. If I did, I was afraid I would lose what was left of me. I’d always picked myself back up and moved on, but it was getting harder and harder to come back from it. I was doing fine before the complications that Jackson gave me.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it on. Surprisingly, I only had one voice message. I listened to it.
“Lacie, don’t run away from me. We belong together. Last night proved that. Please come back to me. Call me, baby. Please call me.”
His words drew a shiver through my body, not in fear, but in awe. No one ever cared to chase me. He would tire of the game he was playing and leave me alone. Like I said, no one ever cared to chase me and he would be no different.
I left the nursing home and drove home. I was exhausted. I was supposed to be off tomorrow and the next day, but I didn’t tell Gail. I didn’t want to get stuck answering more of her questions.
Once I reached home, my phone rang.
“You have got to be kidding me. Is he watching me?”
When I looked at the phone, it was Abigail, my forever best friend. She was my anchor in life and her daughters made my heart smile.
“Abigail, you have the best timing.”
Abigail laughed into the phone. “Really, what’s up, buttercup? Do you need some time with my crazy kids? I can ship them to you.”
We both laughed then I thought for a moment. I hadn’t been home since my dad’s funeral. It was time for a visit.
“Abigail, that is the best idea I’ve heard, but how about I ship myself? Can I stay with you for a night?”
Abigail screeched into the phone. “Yes, yes, and yes! When?”
I laughed and said, “I’ll leave in the morning.”
When we hung up, I was so thrilled I’d get time away. Time to get my head together and hopefully time to forget about Jackson.
Morning came, and I hit the road early. I didn’t want to sleep when I knew I’d be seeing my bestie in just a few hours and her beautiful girls, Trinity and Ella. Those girls were everything to me. If this trip didn’t fix me, then nothing could.
Once arriving in town and before going to Abigail’s house, I stopped at the cemetery. I needed to see my dad and grandmother. Pulling up and sitting in the beautiful sunshine of the morning, I smiled.
It was starting to warm up. It was going to be a beautiful day. I missed my dad so much. I wished many times for his laugh. I wished most days I could have a conference with my grandmother and see what she thought of my life. But then I thought a lot about how they would probably be disappointed in me. I mean, what had I accomplished? What did I have to show for my life? I sat on the grass between their graves and cried.
When I let my last tear loose, I went back to my Jeep and grabbed my notebook and wrote.
Dad
Are you there?
It’s me again
I know you’ve left this world and let the troubles all behind you
But I miss you and I can’t just let you go
I want to hear you laughing, I want to see your smile
I want to hear you tell me you love me
Your proud of me, even though I’ve accomplished nothing
You weren’t supposed to leave me, not yet it was too soon
My heart keeps breaking being here all alone
When will I see you, when can I be free
Free of this world and free of the pain
My heart still beats, but it’s afraid to take a leap
It wants to be full, to share, to love
But my fear and my head tell me only fools believe in love
When will it end, what will I lose next
My heart still breaks for all I’ve lost
I can’t let it roam, I can’t let it out
I’m not meant to love, I’m not meant to be loved
Too much had happened, too much to bear
I’ll keep my heart sealed, keep it free from the pain
No one can break me if I never let them in
I can’t be the weak one, I can’t let anyone in
Although,
I want to take a chance, a chance for a better end
Jackson made me smile, made me feel more than I should
He has the power to break me, I can’t let him in
But if I could, he would be the one
I feel like he could heal me, if ever anyone could
But I can’t let him in, for if I’m wrong
My heart couldn’t take the fall, couldn’t come back at all
I miss you, Dad, please tell me what to do
I need your hugs, I need your words
Tell me, Dad, what do I do?
I sat there for a moment, waiting for the tears to stop. I thought about my dad and the things we did and the things we didn’t get to do. I thought about my grandmother and the silly and crazy things we did when I was growing up. I thought about all the times with my grandfather. The hugs he gave me, the kisses. How he’d tickle me till I cried for mercy. How he loved me with no fear at all.
Then I thought about Jackson. What if I was wrong? What if Jackson wanted someone like me? What if Jackson could be, real? No, it’s too much. All the men in my life had left me. They never stuck around. They probably never loved me and I let them in to destroy me. I lost my baby. I’ve completely failed at everything. What could I possibly offer Jackson?
That was it. Enough! I’d had enough. No more. I started my Jeep and drove to Abigail’s house. I needed to shut my brain down. The drive to Abigail’s house was short, so I was there minutes after leaving the cemetery.
I remembered the day of the funeral. I could barely function. I would never have made it through that day without her. Her husband stayed behind taking care of the kids and Abigail was by my side the whole time. I don’t think I could tell you much about the services, or who was there. All I could tell you was I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted it to all be a bad dream and have him there instead of lying in a casket in front of me.
Abigail, she squeezed my hand, my shoulder whatever it took to hold me together. I don’t know where the strength came from but somehow she infused it into me and I made it through the day. Since my stepmother wasn’t happy about me staying with her, I had planned on getting a hotel room, but Abigail and Shawn wouldn’t hear of it. They had me stay at their house and between the two of them, I was never alone. I can never repay her for all she has done for me. She offers to help me financially, but I can’t take her money. She had two girls to raise, save for college, and weddings. She didn’t need to take care of me too. Besides, I wouldn’t even take money from my mom. My pride wouldn’t let me.
Once I pulled into the driveway, the door to the house flew open and Ella, the oldest bounded down the stairs first with Trinity following closely.
“Aunt Lacie, you’re here! It took forever for you to get here!”
That was Ella, the impatient one.
I dropped to my knees and held her to me, but once Trinity caught up she was screaming, “Aunt Lacie, Aunt Lacie!”
The three of us toppled over and the girls were on top of me laughing.
Abigail ran out, “Girls, let Aunt Lacie breathe! Oh my God! Did you all just knock her over! Girls!”
I couldn’t help but laugh and the more I laughed the more the girls laughed.
“You guys think it’s funny you knocked me over?” I moved to get them each on the ground, with one hand I tickled Ella and the other hand I tickled Trinity.
“No Aunt Lacie, I have to pee.” Giggled Trinity, the girl had no filter, whatever she thought came out. To be young and able to be that free.
“Okay, okay…let’s go inside. I want to see your mom and dad too.”
We all got up and Trinity asked a million questions all at once, not a breath in between. I swear I didn’t know where she got her energy from. Her mind was always on.
“Trinity, stop! No more questions. Give Aunt Lacie time to breathe! I swear child, one day your head is going to explode!”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I reached my friend and hugged her tight. When I pulled back, she looked at me.
“What’s going on? You look like, well you look like hell girl! What’s happened?”
I laughed at her honesty and said, “Now who’s head is going to explode asking so many questions.”
We both laughed.
Abigail said, “Okay, I’ll give you till just before dinner. We’ll have a couple of beers then I’ll start with my interrogation.”
I groaned and rolled my eyes, because I knew it was going to be a long night.
I put my bag in Trinity’s room. She had a love seat in her room and her bed. I slept on the bed usually with her because she would beg and beg me until I caved and crawled into bed with her. She was such a sweet thing. She would run her hand over my face and tell me she loved me and missed me.
She would tell me all the time that she wanted me to move into her room with her forever. I would laugh and tell her she would tire of me. She’d shake her head and tell me never Aunt Lacie. It was the usual routine when I’d stay with Abigail and I was sure tonight would be no different even though she was a little older than the last time I’d seen her.
I played every game imaginable with the girls all morning and into the afternoon until Abigail shushed them away to go watch some television and color. Shawn was sitting with them and smiled at me as Abigail said, “Come on, let’s go sit outside.”
We walked outside, Abigail carrying two open beers, handing me one. We sat on the swing on her front porch and started rocking. Abigail looked at me and said, “Spill it sister. I haven’t seen you since your dad’s funeral. What’s been going on? What has you running scared?”
How did she do that? How did she always know what was going on? Even when I hadn’t seen her in a few years, she knew. I took a deep breath, a drink from my bottle, and I just looked at her.
“I’ve missed you, Abigail. I hated moving away from here. I know I’m only a couple hours away in Kirktown, but money is always so tight. This probably wasn’t the wisest thing for me to do, coming home, but I can walk to work if I have to until my next paycheck. I missed those girls. They are growing up so fast. Ella’s in school now and Trinity isn’t far behind her. How do you do it?”
Abigail took a drink from her bottle and said, “Do what?”
I motioned toward the house. “All of this. The house, the kids, Shawn? How do you just trust it all? How do you know Shawn will always be there for you, that nothing is going to happen to the girls? How do you do it?”
We sat in silence for a while and I didn’t think that Abigail was going to answer.
“Lacie, you can’t let your past take away your future. I’ve had my heart broken. Shawn even played a hand in breaking it a few times growing up. I haven’t lost as many people in my life as you have, but that’s life. You need to just pick up and move on. Yes, it hurts and I know you miss your dad and grandparents, but you are still here. They wouldn’t want you to give up on everything. Fight for what you want. Fight for your dreams. What do you want Lacie?”
I stared out into her front yard and said, “I don’t know. I’m afraid.”
Abigail grinned.
“I am too. Every day. Every time the girls leave my sight, I’m afraid what could happen to them. Every time Shawn and I fight I’m afraid he’ll tire of my crankiness and crazy. But I wouldn’t trade one second of that fear for what I have in my life. The love Shawn gives me, the love my girls give me, there is nothing like it in the world. You deserve that too. You just have to let go of the past and move forward. Take a chance Lacie. I want to see you happy.”
I shook my head at her.
“I can’t Abigail. I’m failing at my life. How could I even think someone else would want to be a part of my crazy?”
Abigail laughed, “Failing? Is that what you call what you do? I mean Lace, you are the toughest woman I know. You fight everyday just to keep a roof over your head. You go to work. You take care of those seniors better than probably some of their kids do. You take on extra shifts wherever you can, doing anything and everything. You don’t take any help or a free hand from anyone, the only thing I can fault you for is not letting someone inside your heart.”
I looked at my friend, “You make it sound like I’ve done something. I haven’t. How can I make my family proud of me when I live in a one-room apartment, living paycheck to paycheck, never furthering my education, lost a baby and have never been able to hold on to any man? How am I strong? I don’t see it.”
Abigail took another drink from her beer and thought how to answer.
“Lacie, do you think your dad or grandmother would love you any less for the things that have happened to you? I mean when Rex,”
“Do not say his name!” I couldn’t believe she said it out loud.
“Okay, sorry. When he raped you, because you know that’s what it was. He knew you were pregnant and he walked away. You rose above that and took off on your own to a different town to get away from him, to protect yourself and the baby. Yes, you lost the baby and when your dad called you, you told him, was he disappointed in you?”
I shook my head no.
“No, that’s right. He told you he loved you he wanted to kick the shit out of Re……Sorry, his sorry ass, like we all did.”
I looked at Abigail and said, “Honestly, I never felt like I deserved the love.”
Abigail turned sharply at me, “Why? Because your baby didn’t make it? That was God, honey. He reached down and held your baby to him and took care of it and you in the best way he could. That baby needed him, more than you needed it at that time. God helped by reaching down upon you both and saving you both.”
I shook my head, “No! He didn’t save me, he destroyed me. He took the one thing I had left from me.”
The tears poured out of me, and I shook from the pain. “Who does that? Who keeps taking and taking from someone until they are so broken they can’t rise again?”
Shawn appeared on the front porch. “You’re not broken Lacie. You’re just lost, trying to do it all alone. Despite everyone who loves you and wants to help you. Believe what you want, but Abigail is right. God did save you. He helped pick you up, time after time. He took your baby, yes, but only because it wasn’t ready for this world. Not because you failed in any way. Abigail, those kids in there and I love you and we’re never going away so you better get used to it. Take a chance, Lacie, on something. Take a chance on opening yourself and having more.”
Abigail smiled at Shawn and moved to him, kissing him on the lips gently. He wrapped an arm around her then he moved back into the house, leaving us alone again.
“He’s right you know. You need to take a chance. Lacie you are my best friend and I love you so much, but it hurts me seeing you suffering, watching you struggle and thinking you are not worth anything. You are worth everything.”
I sat just letting the tears fall slowly down my face. These people, these friends of mine, God, what would I do without them. I wiped my face and smiled a small smile at Abigail and said, “I will try. I can’t promise anything but I will try.”
We went back to rocking on the swing, drinking our beer and letting the night fall. Shawn ordered pizza and fed the girls. He brought us plates out and we ate in silence.
My mind drifted while eating the pizza and I thought of Jackson. That night he lit his backyard up for me and held me in his arms. God, the things he did to me and made me feel.
I was running from him, Abigail was right. I didn’t want to let him in because it could hurt too much. I thought about how I gave my body over to him and he made me come like never before. He lit my body on fire and made me want more.
“Wow, what is lighting your face up like that?” Abigail asked. She had been watching me while I ate and thought about Jackson.
I shook my head, “Nothing. It’s just,” I hesitated then I looked up at her.
“Don’t freak out or go all crazy on me, but I met someone.”
Abigail, despite my words shrieked as only she can, “What! And you are just telling me this,” she looked at her watch and said, “almost nine hours after arriving! Spill, I want to hear everything!”
I shook my head at her and told her all the details. From meeting him at The Tavern, to the date, to me sneaking out of his bed, leaving him a note and the message he left me.
Abigail sat stunned.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? Lacie! Call him, call him right now!”
I shook my head no. “And say what?”
Abigail said, “Tell him that you’re sorry, that you want to jump him now. That you are an idiot and need him to fix you. Tell him anything but don’t let him hang. Don’t let him think you’re not interested. Go get him.”
I shook my head at her, “You are impossible. Hello, have you met me? I don’t do relationships. Things don’t work out for me.”
Abigail stood up, “No. You don’t try relationships, and they don’t work out because you pick the wrong men. This guy sounds amazing. You like him, I can see it. What are you going to do?”
I shook my head, “I don’t know. That’s why I’m here. I’m running.”
Abigail went back into the house bringing out two beer bottles in both hands.
“What the hell are you doing?” I laughed at her.
“We are going to sit here and drink these until you agree to call him. Lacie, I’m serious. You need to call this guy. Talk to him. Get to know him and take a chance. I’ll get you drunk and have Shawn dial the number if I have to, but you are going to call him.”
I shook my head at her. “There is no way I’m calling him. None! No way, no how, not happening.”
There is one thing I forgot about Abigail, never underestimate her powers of persuasion and her knowing exactly how much alcohol it takes to make me brave.