Gail gasped and held her hand over her mouth.
“Gail? Are you okay?”
She shook her head yes. “I’m fine my dear but I have had a really long day. Can we do this again another night?”
I smiled and said, “Of course. I’ll leave my pages here in your night stand we can pick this up again tomorrow, okay?”
Gail nodded and said, “That would be lovely dear.”
I put the pages away, hugged her again, before heading out of the room to go home. Truth be told I could use a break too. After my trip I was quite tired.
Once back at my apartment I got a call from Joe at The Tavern. He needed some help. He said he had a sick waitress and could really use a hand tonight and Tuesday night. He said it wasn’t going to be exceptionally busy, but if I could help him out, he’d be grateful. I had told him it was no problem. I would have to just tell Gail I couldn’t hang after work tomorrow night.
I got changed and headed to the bar. Once I was there, I got right into the swing. It wasn’t very busy, but it was busy enough that I made a little extra money and felt good because I was keeping myself busy. I had some down time, so I was able to write in my notebook. Joe always let me keep it behind the bar while I worked so if I needed it I could write in it when it was slow. As long as customers weren’t waiting he let me go. I picked up the pen and turned to a new page.
Where do dreams lead
When I close my eyes, I see your face
When I think about letting go, I see your face
In my dreams it’s easy to let you in
But in real time how can I let you win
I think about you day and night
But when I sleep you haunt my dreams
You wake me from my sleep
You make me need and want more
I can’t help but smile when I speak your name
You make me smile with only a memory
Where will this all go
I do not know
Can I be brave and let the pain go
What will happen
Where does this all end
What happens when you let your dreams go
Let them grow let them be real
Be brave just go slow
What do I know about letting my dreams go
Nothing has ever gone my way
What makes the difference today
Can he be real, can he be good
Can I trust my heart and give in
Where do dreams lead
I do not know
Can I just be brave
I still don’t know
Letting you in, letting go of the pain
It’s difficult you know
How will it end
I want to know, I need to try
Please, please Jackson
Don’t make me cry
Where do dreams lead
I haven’t a clue
For never before have I let them win
Joe broke my thoughts as I stared at the page,
“Customer Lacie.”
I looked up and Joe saw the tear in my eye.
“You okay, honey?”
I nodded, moving away to wait on the customer. I didn’t see Joe take my notebook and read my words. After getting my customers’ orders in and getting their drinks, I moved back to the bar where Joe stood holding the notebook.
“This is beautiful, Lacie. I’m sorry I read your personal stuff, but this was completely and utterly beautiful. Are you giving him a chance for real?”
Joe handed me the notebook and I shrugged. “I don’t know, Joe. My head is screaming at me, asking are you out of your mind? But I’m tired, Joe.”
He quirked a brow, “Tired?”
I nodded and let a tear slide down my cheek. “I’m tired of my lonely life. I’m tired of fighting my emotions every day. I’m tired of seeing everyone around me happy and whole. I’m tired Joe. I’m tired of being a broken girl.”
Joe shook his head and reached out his hand placing it on top of mine.
“Oh sweetie. You are not broken. You were for a long time. I watched you, I worried for you. My sweet dear, you just need to trust. You need to open your heart a little and let us in. Not just your Jackson, but all of us. You’re going to get hurt from time to time, but my girl, that is how you grow. That’s how you build your strength and how you live. You stopped living when your dad died and although I didn’t know him, as a father I can assure you that hurts him more than anything in the world. He would want you to be happy.”
I choked on a sob and let the tears slide. Joe came around the bar and put his arms around me.
“How Joe? How do I let him in?”
Joe said, “You take a day at a time and you trust your heart and your head to make the right decision.”
I listened to Joe’s words and I still didn’t know how to do it.
“I’ve never made good decisions Joe. My past is riddled with heartache and loss. I am afraid to let someone in.”
Joe moved back behind the bar and looked at me.
“The past is something we cannot change Lacie. It is something to learn from. It’s a whole lot of mistakes that we’ve made along the way and no one can change that. But we can grow and make better decisions moving forward. We can learn from the things that have hurt us, but we shouldn’t close ourselves off from living. Is your Jackson a better man than those from your past?”
I nodded.
“Is he caring and attentive to you? Not selfish, not someone who just wants something from you?”
I nodded, “As far as I can tell. The only thing I can give him that he can’t get himself is me. I’m the only thing I have to offer him. He has everything he could possibly want.”
Joe thought for a moment. “He would do well to remember my warning, and I think you need to give him a chance.”
I looked at Joe as he moved away from me. What did that mean? His warning. Give him a chance? God how do I do that. I moved away to the kitchen to get the order for my table and to make my rounds, checking on a few other people I had. After that Joe didn’t talk about Jackson or me again. When I left the bar that night and headed home, I realized I’d forgotten my notebook. I didn’t feel like going back so I called once I was home and told Joe to keep it for me until tomorrow, I would grab it then.
I moved around my apartment unsettled and unsure of my next move. I wanted to take a chance but I was terrified. I needed to just try. I needed to trust something, to trust someone. I didn’t want to be all alone anymore. Jackson was incredible. The thought of a man like him wanting someone like me. It baffled me. It made me scared. A man like him could have anything he ever wanted, why did he want me? I picked up the phone and dialed.