My morning was amazing. I made Jackson come so hard. The sound he made as he came inside my mouth made me hotter than anything. I felt powerful. Before he woke up, I stood in front of his mirror and I remembered the words he spoke to me the night before. He saw all of that in me. Me. Was he delusional or was it really there? I stared at myself. I stared at my body. Okay, I wasn’t perfect, but my body was good. I slid up to my face. I always had a nice enough face. My hair was long over my shoulders to my shoulder blades. It was black, with a healthy shine to it. My eyes were blue, nothing special. Where did he see the strength? Where did he see the woman he talked about? I looked back at the bed. He was still sleeping.
I turned back to the mirror. Looking deep into the mirror I whispered, “Where are you?” I looked again and fell into my reflection. Behind my eyes I saw James kiss me and walk away telling me I was too good for him. Then I saw the pregnancy test blaring positive under my eyes. I watched Rex as he tied me to the bed and raped me.
I was in the hospital and I was losing my baby. I felt it being pulled from inside of me as I cried on the table they took the lifeless baby from me. It was only a few months into the pregnancy, but it was mine. That baby was supposed to love me forever.
My dad, my grandmother, my grandfather, how do I move beyond all that loss. How was I still standing here? Everyone leaves me. No, no Lacie. Look harder. I stared into the mirror and I saw a spark in my eyes. James, Rex, yes they were assholes. They didn’t deserve me. I didn’t deserve what Rex did to me but I survived it. My baby, my grandmother and grandfather, they didn’t have a choice. They didn’t leave me on purpose. It was their time. My dad. Oh my dear sweet dad. He was taken from me. He never wanted to leave me. He loved me, he told me so. He wanted me to be happy. Tears blurred my vision. I turned away and looked at the bed where Jackson slept.
I pulled the blankets off him and I moved back to the foot of the bed and watched him. I looked at him. I wiped the tears from my face and I stared at him. He wanted me. This man, he claimed I was his. He pushed me, he made me angry, he made me feel. My body throbbed for him, it ached for him to be inside of me.
My heart fluttered and pulsed hard against my body when he looked at me, when he touched me. It was too soon, it was too fast, but it was happening. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it. I wanted him and I needed him.
I turned back and looked at the woman in the mirror. She was alive, she was fierce and she was strong. She didn’t break so bad that she couldn’t come back. She was standing naked in a man’s bedroom. A man who told her she was beautiful every time he looked at her. She was alive again. She could see him behind her in the mirror and she felt powerful like there was nothing she couldn’t do. He wanted to be there, he wanted her there. She turned her back to the mirror and watched him. When his eyes opened, she was going to show him her strength.
*********
I walked through the halls of the nursing home and I felt like my feet didn’t touch the floor. I walked by Gail’s room and saw Kerrigan was there. I stopped and knocked on the door. Kerrigan smiled when she saw me. She waved me into the room and Gail smiled when she saw me.
“Lacie, my dear. You look beautiful today. Something is different about you. What is it?”
I smiled at Gail and said, “Nothing. I’m exactly the same as yesterday.”
Gail shook her head no. “You are glowing. Is that husband of yours treating you right?”
I laughed and nodded.
Kerrigan looked at me. “Husband?”
Before I could answer Gail jumped in. “Of course, Kerrigan. Did you really think Jackson would let this one go? Don’t you remember the wedding?”
Kerrigan choked for a moment. “Mom—”
I cut her off. “Of course she remembers the wedding Gail. I think it’s just hard for us all to believe it actually happened.”
Winking at Kerrigan she looked at me like I was losing my mind.
“You do look different today Lacie. You seem happy, relaxed.” Kerrigan smiled as she said that.
I nodded, “I am happy. Who wouldn’t be happy with Jackson? He’s amazing.”
Gail squealed, “Oh come here my girl, I need a hug and kiss. I want to pat that belly too.”
I moved to her and hugged her tight and kissed her cheek. When I stood back up her hands went to my stomach.
“I’m your grandma little one. You be good to your mama now.”
I looked at Kerrigan and shook my head. She was stunned and really confused.
Gail looked at Kerrigan and said, “Isn’t it exciting. Lacie and Jax are having a baby. Now Lucy will have a little cousin to play with.”
Kerrigan nodded, “Lacie can I talk to you a minute?”
I touched Gail’s arm and said, “I have to get back to work. Remember, Jackson and I will be away for the weekend, so I won’t be in later tonight or Saturday. If we get back early enough Sunday we will come and see you, okay Gail?”
She smiled at me so bright. “Of course, my dear. You enjoy yourself and keep my boy in line.”
I motioned for Kerrigan to follow me into the hall.
Once Kerrigan rounded the corner from her mom’s room she looked at me like I was crazy.
“What in the ever-living hell is going on?”
I smiled at her. “Jackson was here yesterday in the morning, he dropped me off at work. When he visited with Gail, she told him how happy she was that we were married. He tried correcting her and she got a bit angry with him and said how she remembered the wedding perfectly. The doctor came in and Jackson freaked. Took him into the hall and they talked. Till it was all said and done, your mom thinks Jackson and I are married and having a baby. The doctor said, if she is happy believing that then let her be.”
Kerrigan shook her head. “And Jackson is okay with all of this? You’re okay with it?”
I didn’t quite know how to answer her, so I went with honest. “Look, it floored me too. I freaked out. It makes me a little uncomfortable because I feel like I’m lying to her, but your brother and I, we, are trying to see where this thing is going to go. I care about him and he makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
Kerrigan leaned against the wall. I watched her. She seemed almost upset. Did she not want me with Jackson? I waited her out.
She didn’t look at me as she spoke. “He’s a good man, Lacie. He’s my brother and I love him. I don’t want to see him hurt again.” She turned to look at me. “I know you’ve been there too. I know you have things you need to work through as well, but don’t drag him around. If you can’t be with him, you need to let him go. I won’t see him hurt again.”
I nodded at her and met her eyes, “I’m not trying to hurt him. I don’t intend to. Your brother demands a lot from me. He’s pushed me to see who I am. I’m grateful to him for that. As far as where we go from here, I don’t know. I have no answers, but I hope you’ll be okay with us trying to figure that out.”
Kerrigan put her hand on my shoulder. “Of course I will. I really like you Lacie. Lucy likes you too. You have made Jackson happier than anyone I’ve ever seen with him and it looks like he does the same for you. I just worry about him. He was engaged once and she did a number on him. After that, he never dated the same woman twice. No one knows what happened. One minute he was going to marry her and the next he told us it was over. No explanations, nothing. He wouldn’t talk about it to anyone. Not even Dad. He turned cold after that. I never want to see that Jackson again.”
I stared at her. Wow, I didn’t know any of this. Jackson hasn’t told me anything. I stepped back from her. I needed to think.
“Kerrigan, I don’t want to hurt him. I will do whatever I can to not hurt him, but I can’t promise where this is going to go. We both have a lot to learn about the other.”
She looked at me, “He didn’t tell you about her did he?”
I shook my head no.
“Shit. I’m sorry Lacie, I thought he would have. He’ll tell you when he’s ready, I’m sure of it.”
I moved another step away, “Sure, I have to go Kerrigan. I need to get back to work.”
She nodded and I moved as quickly as I could from her.
I’d almost forgotten that Gail mentioned that Jackson was dating someone, but engaged? He hasn’t said anything to me. Who was she? What happened? Did they live in that house together? Shit! How did I not know all of this? Why didn’t he tell me?
Shit! What did she do to him? What happened that they didn’t get married? I’ll kill her for hurting him. Wait, where did that come from? Am I jealous of her? No, I’m just concerned for Jackson. Yes, that’s all. No, I want to hit her for hurting him. I want to beat her down for having him before me. I’m fucking jealous. It is what it is. I’m not hiding anymore, I’m not burying things, I’m facing them.
Jackson texted me an hour later.
‘Hey beautiful, I hope your day is going well. Mine is spectacular ever since I woke up this morning. I can’t wait to see you tonight, even if we have a bit of a drive ahead of us. I have a few surprises for you and we will not be having a quickie before we leave. Meet me at my place, you have the key, have your bags packed and ready to go. I can’t wait to see where you grew up, the town that made you. See you later.’
Oh he thinks there will be no quickie, like hell. I want to have him before that long ride. Okay, it’s only a couple hours but still. I want him. I have all weekend to make him talk, tonight I don’t want words. He wanted me to believe in myself, believe I was strong, well he woke up the warrior. I sent him a text back.
‘Do you really think you can resist me? Do you think I haven’t been waiting for that quickie since this morning? Oh Jax, you have no idea what I want to do to you before we hit the road. I will have my way with you, bank on that. You woke up the warrior in me, now see if you can resist her.’
I smiled as I tucked my phone away. I breezed through my day and before I left I checked in on Lou and Max. They said they would miss me but I deserved to be swept off my feet. They also threatened if he didn’t sweep me off my feet they would be happy to show him how it’s done.
I smiled down the hall to Gail’s room. I needed to see her one more time before I left. She was in her chair watching television when I walked in.
“I’m leaving Gail. I just wanted to see you again before I left for the weekend.”
She smiled at me, “Thank you dear. You are so sweet. I hope Jackson knows how lucky he is to have you.”
I sat for a minute taking her hand in mine.
“I don’t know Gail. I think I’m pretty lucky.” I’ve been wanting to tell someone how I feel about him and I wasn’t ready to tell him yet.
“Gail, I love him.”
She beamed at me, “Of course you do, or else you wouldn’t have married him. I’m so glad it was you and not that beast of a woman.”
Okay this was unfair, but I had to know. “What was her name again? Jackson told me but I’ve forgotten.”
She looked up at me, “Diane. That woman was wrong for him from the word go. She only wanted him for social standing. She used my boy to make herself look good. She was an ice queen. She had no heart, no soul. I’m so glad he didn’t marry her.”
I patted her hand. “What happened with them?”
Gail looked blank for a moment, but her words came out.
“I’m not sure. But she hung on his arm at the parties and gala every year. She had eyes out for bigger and better, but Jackson is the best there is. I hope she got what was coming to her.”
Gail seemed to be getting upset and I didn’t want to see that.
“Oh, I’m sure she will. But no worries, Jackson and I are happy.”
Her face turned to mine and she smiled.
“I have to go or I’ll be late Gail. I’m sure Jackson is waiting for me.”
“Yes dear, run along. Have a good time.”
I went to my apartment, I packed some clothes, shampoo and soap. I had everything packed ready to go. It didn’t take long, after all it was just a weekend home. I got to Jackson’s house and let myself in. I went up to his bedroom and showered. I didn’t want to waste time if he was waiting for me, but since he wasn’t home yet, I took the time to shower. I dried my hair and was getting ready to get dressed when I heard him. I laid across the bed and waited for him.