I got myself dressed, I went to work and I hoped for the best. At this point what could I do? I needed to work and I needed to focus on what needed to be done. This pregnancy wasn’t going to go anywhere, so I just needed to put my mind somewhere else. I would save the issues for later when I was alone.
Work was slow at the bar. I worked in the evening and although I needed the money, I just couldn’t stand around doing nothing. My constantly running mind caused me worry and kept me completely off focus. So I took off early and headed home. When I got to my apartment, I heard noise from the bedroom area. I put my things down then headed in that direction. When I got to the door, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t stop myself from speaking out, “Oh my God! What the hell is going on here?”
My boyfriend shot to his feet completely naked and the woman on the bed was tied to the posts, spread open to him. He had been spanking her with what looked like a riding crop.
“Abby, calm down. It’s not what it looks like.”
My head felt like it was spinning. I felt like I was going to pass out.
“The fuck it ain’t! You are sleeping with her. You are doing all sorts of things to her in our bed. Untie her and get her out of here.”
My boyfriend didn’t move.
“Now!”
I stepped out of the room. When she left the apartment and he was dressed again, I sprang into action.
I moved at him and pushed him.
“How could you? How could you do this to me, to us?”
He tried to move to me and I pushed him again.
“Abby calm down.”
I was furious now, “Don’t tell me to calm down. You’ve been screwing around? We’ve had sex without condoms. Are you kidding me?”
He came at me and pulled me into his arms and down to the ground.
“Just listen to me.”
He hissed in my ear.
I struggled with him and tried to get him off me.
He held me down and he screamed in my face.
“I needed to spice it up. I needed to try something new.”
I was furious.
“That’s your excuse? That’s what you’re going to say to me right now? Get off me!”
“No, Abby, not until you calm down.”
Calm down? who was he kidding?
“You need to leave. Just get out!”
He shook his head at me.
“I’m not leaving. We’re going to settle this and then we’re going to bed. You’re going to finish what you interrupted.”
I started thrashing, “I don’t think so! Get out!”
He shook his head at me again.
“No Abby, we’re going to do this and you’re going to love it.”
“I told you to get out! This is not happening, just leave me alone, just go!”
I burst into tears and I couldn’t help but let out all the frustration and pain he was causing me. How could I have been so wrong about him? I thought he loved me and it turned out he was just playing a game with me.
“Please just go!”
I laid there crying. I felt broken.
Before I knew what had happened, he had my hands tied and looped around the foot of the bed. He moved off me. He undressed himself then came toward me to undress me. He pulled at my pants. I kicked him and struggled against him as best as I could. I fought until I had not an ounce of fight left in me. That was his plan.
“Please I cried out, please just leave me alone.”
He moved over me as he started to have sex with me. God what did I ever do in life to deserve this.
Then he spoke the words I never thought he would.
“I saw the pregnancy test Abby. How long have you known?”
My body shook, I couldn’t believe it. I was stupid enough to leave it in the trash can.
“I took it this morning.”
“So there is no need for a condom or to pull out. I can finally have my way inside of you.”
I thrashed and yelled, “How can you do this to me? It’s not like you care about me, if you did you wouldn’t be with someone else, in our bed.”
He wasn’t responding to me, he was just moving over me and driving into me, trying to find his release. When that finally came, I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw myself off the building and never take a breath again. But after he climbed off me and dressed, he untied my hands, telling me he was done.
I laid on the floor and I cried. I cried for the baby inside of me and I cried because I felt like I would never survive this betrayal. There was no way to trust again. I packed my things and I left that apartment behind. I stayed in a hotel for a few nights, I quit all my jobs and I took off. I moved out of town, found a one-room apartment that I could barely afford and looked for a job. I waitressed, I cleaned rooms in hotels, then I found a job where I could take care of others, make them feel important and make my old self disappear. All except for the baby growing inside of me.
After a few weeks I started to feel okay with my decision to flee. I started to adjust to the fact that I was going to have a baby. I was getting happier by the day. I knew it would be hard and expensive. What would I do with a baby while I was working? But I knew I had time to figure those things out. I still hadn’t gone to a doctor and best guess was that I was about a month maybe two at the most along. I was working waitressing when I picked up a tub with dirty dishes. When I did that I felt a horrible pain in my abdomen, the tub of dishes and I both fell to the ground. I stood up when I was able as one of my coworkers grabbed the tub of dishes. They all looked at me worried. I waved them off. I was okay, I mean I had to be. I needed to work.
I finished my shift and went to my apartment only to find there was blood on my underwear. I went to the emergency room and they did an ultrasound and blood work. The ultrasound confirmed that the pregnancy was terminating itself. I was losing my baby. All things considered, it was probably for the best for my baby, but the pain of knowing that I couldn’t even keep a baby growing inside of me was heart breaking.
My dad called my phone and left me a message. When I left the hospital, I went home and cried. When I felt like I could talk without bursting into tears, I called him back.
“Hi, Dad, sorry I couldn’t answer earlier when you called.”
My dad laughed on the other end. “Oh I know how it is, Abby. You’re always working. My girl is the hardest worker there is. My eyes filled with tears and I waited till I could swallow them down.
“How are you, Dad? Everything going okay?”
I smiled a little when he said, “I miss you Abby. When you left town, I was upset that I wouldn’t get to see you as often, but I didn’t really realize how much I would miss you.”
I couldn’t stop the tears, “Oh Dad! I miss you too.”
“Abby girl, are you okay? Did something happen?”
I tried to compose myself but in the end I broke and told my dad the truth. Why I left town, and what had happened tonight in the emergency room in town.
My dad was quiet. “Dad, please say something.”
“I want to find that boy and strangle him with my bare hands. Baby, are you okay?”
I tried to get myself together to tell him that I was okay, but I just wanted to cry.
“Dad, I’m fine. It’s okay. I’ll come to see you this weekend. I promise.”
He sighed into the phone.
“Don’t let him do this Abby. Don’t let him break you. He’s not worth it. There is a man out there that will be enough for you, and you for him. He will take care of you and you need to let him. Don’t close your heart off because of the past, take chances and let someone in.”
I tried to listen to what he was saying, but I just didn’t have the strength at that moment. I hung up with my dad and I fell into the bed where I cried myself to sleep. I started to build the wall around my heart at that moment. I was done. This was the last heartbreak I could withstand. No more.
The next day I was at work when I got called into the manager’s office.
“Abby, I’m afraid I have some bad news to tell you.”
I thought I was getting fired, but no it was so much worse than that. My father had been in a car accident and he was killed. I crumpled to the floor in the office and I sobbed. I fell into a shaking ball of nothing. I had nothing left. I was supposed to see him in a couple of days. How could he be gone? I couldn’t believe what she said.
I pulled myself up to a sitting position still on the floor and I said, “No. It’s not true. It can’t be true. Please tell me it’s not true.”
She moved around her desk, threw her arms around me and sat on the floor rocking me with her arms holding me together.
She had two people on staff leave with me. We went to my apartment and packed some clothes. One person drove me in my car to my dad’s home, the other followed to bring them both back. The trip was silent except for my crying. Once I arrived my stepmother was less than personable, but I had told her I’d only stay the night. I would get a hotel tomorrow. We planned the funeral and everything was going to happen quick.
The next few days went by in a blur. We had the meeting with the funeral home. Then the funeral and it was over. My mom had called me to tell me how sorry she was. She wanted me to come stay with her for a few days, but I refused, telling her I needed to get back home to work. If I didn’t get myself back to work, I’d not be able to afford my apartment.
I drove myself back to my apartment and I cried myself to sleep. I had the next day off as well for funeral leave but then I’d be back to work. How was I going to survive? Everyone I loved always left me. There was no one left, there was no one. My dad was wrong, there would be no one to take care of me because I wouldn’t let anyone else in. I was done with heartbreak. I was done living with all the pain.
I took myself to the restaurant down the street. I ate a burger and spent what little cash I had drinking myself into numbness. The bartender was worried about me and kept a watch on me, but I didn’t care what happened anymore, I was shutting down.
Over the next few months I built a life in my new town. I made a few friends and I kept working as hard as I could. I tried making a go at it with just one job. Some weeks it worked and others, well, others there wasn’t any money for food or gas. But I plunged forward to make it work. Occasionally, I would take a few waitressing shifts when I could get them, but for the most part, I would just write in my notebooks or go to the library to read whatever interested me that day. I kept myself busy moving about and working hard. I found a sense of freedom in locking myself down. As odd as that sounds, it worked. I closed off and I shut out the world around me.
Before I knew it, the time had passed, the years had gone by. I never opened my heart, I never let anyone inside. I wrote my heart on paper, never sharing with anyone what I held inside. Locking it down was the best thing, I thought.
Sometimes I wondered what it would be like if I could be brave. I’d look at myself in the mirror and wish I could be someone else. That I could feel something, anything but pain. Sometimes I could let go of the hurt, the pain of some of my losses, but there was still one that I’d never speak of. One that I’ve tried to block out of my mind. One that showed me I didn’t deserve to be loved again. Almost in my thirties and alone. That would be how the rest of my forever would be.