Standing here watching the waves roll and crash out in the distance is the most relaxing, soothing sound and sight I have ever witnessed. The pure, raw crashing, the power and strength that it has behind it. Yes, this is beauty, this is what puts my soul back together again. I sit in my favorite coffee shop, right off the beach and I smell the ocean mixed with the scent of roasted coffee beans. Perfect! Could it be more perfect? Oh hell, time to shut that thought down! Too many avenues to travel with that thought. Today is too beautiful to waste on sour thoughts.
I sip my coffee and lean my elbows on the counter in front of me. The doors of the coffee shop are slid all the way open and the view of the ocean is what I stare at. The coffee shop is my favorite place. It’s nothing fancy, just industrial pipes with track lighting, a plain light wood floor and a counter to purchase coffee, snacks and baked goods. There are seats within as well, but I prefer the spot I’m at. A stool perched at the counter looking out at the ocean. Too bad I can’t have my name engraved on this seat. I chuckled to myself at that thought
Maybe I should back up. Introduce myself? Ha, it’s funny because I’m no one. My name came from some made up place. No one wants me, no one looks for me and no one cares if I’m living, breathing or doing anything with my life. I’m a ward of the state basically. My name is Vanessa Rawlings. No middle name, just that and I’m an orphan. Ha, gotcha, you thought I was going to say I’m an alcoholic. No, God no. Please don’t take my only vice from me. Snarky? Yes, thank you I am. I’m also a hard ass and at times quite a rigid bitch but that’s just who I am. I had to be.
My mother gave birth to me, left me at the doors of the orphanage and never looked back. I was not delivered in a hospital. I was left there just hours after my birth. I was lucky to have been found as I almost died, but then again, who would have missed me. Considering I was a new born, you’d think I would have been adopted out. Wrong! Evidently, due to my near death experience, not knowing if my mother would come back for me, ha, that’s a joke. No one wanted to take the chance.
I was bounced around through the foster care system. I had a few alright families, and a few where I didn’t close my eyes ever. I worked starting at age 15. I graduated high school, turned eighteen then I was out of the system and on my own. Simple right? Ha, you wish! I was seventeen, just had turned seventeen actually and I was in a foster family where the foster dad was a dick. Yeah, he beat me, he raped me and I ended up in the hospital. I was unconscious. The state made the decision for the doctors to operate on me. I can’t say what all happened or why I needed such a drastic operation but I was given a hysterectomy, under what I’m told was extremely necessary conditions, critical in fact. There was internal damage, bleeding and evidently they felt the only way to save me was the surgery.
So near death experience number two, if you’re keeping track. I was sent to a new foster home to recover. This home was nice. Well except for “my brother”. What a dipshit! He hated me from the beginning and I could have cared less. I just wanted to exist and be left alone.
The older woman in the home, “my brother’s” grandmother took a liking to me. I guess partly because I couldn’t go anywhere and she had a captive audience. I was home schooled until I was well enough to go back to school to finish my senior year to graduate. When I wasn’t having lessons, Grandmom, as she wished me to call her would sit and talk with me.
Grandmom was in her late seventies I would guess. She spoke of the past often and confided in me on pretty much everything. Her son and daughter-in-law were okay, but didn’t have much patience for her. She says the only reason they moved her in was to get her money.
After all I witnessed, Grandmom was right on the money thing. That’s all they cared about. I loved my time talking with her. No, I’m not being snarky. I loved that old lady. Yea, I said loved. She passed away in her sleep three months before my eighteenth birthday. It sucked. I had to live in that house without her for three very long months.
Okay, so I’m not going to get all sappy and shit, because that’s just not how I roll. But she was the woman who showed me a little about how love was. She told me often that she loved me. She hugged me and kissed my cheek on a daily basis. She said, I was the daughter/granddaughter she never had. I was her blessing. I used to laugh when she’d say it because I had been no one’s blessing, ever. I cried when she died, and I missed her every day of my life. Still do today.
She was the kindest woman I’d ever met and the stories of her life fascinated me. She was from a time when you had one true love. You married him then had babies. She couldn’t have any children after her son was born. They tried, but she was never able to get pregnant again. Grandmom said that her son was the product of her husband’s spoiling. He was privileged and not a very loving man.
My question had always been why did they take me in? Why were they in the foster care program? My answer was given to me by Grandmom in a letter. A letter that her lawyer delivered to me on my eighteenth birthday with an inheritance. Shocked, hell yes I was shocked. I didn’t want anything from the woman. I told the lawyer I didn’t want it and he smiled. Evidently, Grandmom knew I’d refuse the money, and upon my refusal, my inheritance doubled.
Her son was outraged as we sat in the lawyer’s office the day we found out I was in line for the inheritance. The Blatt’s looked at me with fire in their eyes. Derek, Madelyn and Rick looked at me like I was the devil’s spawn.
There were rules with my inheritance and one was that upon my refusal it doubled. Derek stood in outrage when the lawyer smiled then stated my good fortune at the time of my refusal. That was the first rule.
The second was I could not sign the money over to her undeserving son or any member of the family. Third, the money was to be used on schooling for me and to pay for whatever I decided I wanted to study in school.
Higher education was important to her and she wanted me to have a chance. Fourth, was any money left over from school was there for me to buy a home for myself. A place that I could call my own. Fifth, I was never to allow anyone into my life that wanted my money, not that after all of the schooling and house buying, there would be a lot left anyway. But I think the rule was a warning, more than a rule about her money. She wanted to be sure I remembered our conversations and how she never trusted her son or his intentions. She didn’t want that life for me.
Derek fought the inheritance claiming she was incompetent, Grandmom knew that would happen. She had a physician with her as her witness, signing that under a full examination he found her completely competent and having all her faculties at the time of signing the will. The will was not altered or changed after she placed it in the lawyer’s hands.
To say I was dumbstruck was an understatement. I was flabbergasted, but extremely grateful. The lawyer excused the family from the room and sat with me in private while he went over all my rules to inherit the money. I was to find a college, determine what I wanted to do with my life then he would write the check to the college. There would be a personal check deposited into a bank account for me to use for any additional expenses of college life and after graduating from college he would hold the money for a home until the time I found a place that he deemed safe for me. These were her terms. So I had an inheritance but I did not control it.
So, a nobody, snarky, bitch as I’m told I am, had the means to support herself and get a higher education. Who would have ever guessed, all thanks to Evelyn Blatt, the kind, loving old woman who I loved with all my heart. Oh, but I got away from the point. Evelyn’s letter to me. What did it say? Well, here let me share it with you:
Vanessa, My sweet little girl,
I am so grateful that you were brought into my life. I begged Derek to enter the foster program so I could have the opportunity to have a daughter/granddaughter to love. What a joy it was entering that program and finding you. The one person besides myself that needed to know what love really was. My husband loved me, but he loved his son more and gave into his every whim and need. I myself wanted to make him a decent human being, not the spoiled, over privileged brat he turned out to be. But enough time wasted on that.
You my dear little one. You were what kept me going that last year. You being in the home, the joy you brought to me, I fear you will never understand.
I hope that the love I’ve shown you will help you move forward with your life and you will trust your heart in time to believe in love. My wish for you is that you will find true happiness, with love and a man who will love all parts of you.
The snarky woman who you hide behind to guard your heart. The bitch that you turn into when someone is trying to hurt someone you care for including yourself, and the good, loving woman I know you are deep within. The woman you showed to me.
Don’t shut yourself down, don’t close your heart. Guard it from those who don’t deserve it, but don’t close it off. You have so much love locked inside of you, I only used a portion of it, but I loved every ounce you gave to me.
You Vanessa Rawlings are a gift, a treasure and a loving, kind woman. Please embrace all that you are and believe in what you can offer this world.
The start of your life was not pretty. It was brutal at times and left you with a sour look upon the world. I don’t ask that you look at the world with rose colored glasses, but only that you allow yourself to feel, take a chance and a risk now and again.
I’m sorry I had to leave you my dearest treasure, but I’ve made sure you are well taken care of and this should ease your life some. It should allow you to enjoy some of the things life can offer you. It should allow you to move forward making good decisions on what to do next. Make me proud and carry me in your heart until you find someone worthy of the love inside. Play ball, my dear.
Forever in my heart.
Grandmom
Yes, those were her words to me. God how I miss that woman. Without her in my life I don’t know where I would have ended up. Certainly not where I am today. Oh, and play ball? Well, I loved baseball. How did I garner a love for it? One of the women at the orphanage named me Rawlings, due to her love of baseball and she taught me to love the game. No matter where I was, I always had baseball.
So what did I do with my life? Well, I went to a college for a nursing degree. I graduated at the top of my class, high honors and dean’s list. I found a job working in a nursing home in Kirktown. The nursing home is Sunny Spot and I love it there.
I moved away from the Blatt’s and found a home. It is a small ranch style home. It is perfect. I have a fenced in yard to give me privacy and three bedrooms. Why three bedrooms? Well because I fell in love with the house and it had three bedrooms, duh!
Honestly, the house was just perfect. All bitchiness aside. The front porch was a place I could see myself escaping to in the morning to drink my coffee or to enjoy a glass of wine. The backyard was perfect for me to get a dog.
The home had flower beds started but in need of work and I had just the need for such a project. It always made me smile to look at flowers so what better way to surround myself with something that made me smile than to create it. It gave me an outlet to work off stress from the job and something to enjoy when I was finished. When I sit on my front porch I think about Grandmom. I think she would love this place and enjoy sitting with me on the porch sipping wine.
I smile as I sit watching the ocean, drinking my coffee, thinking about her and my home. So much, no, pretty much of who I am is all because of her. Well not the snarky side of me, but the part of me that makes me a good nurse. The loving side of me that comes out when I’m at work. As far as when I’m not at work, I’m not so much loving as I am guarded.
I’m a strong hard headed woman and I’m not ashamed to admit that to anyone. I don’t have time for love, so I’m sorry to disappoint Grandmom, but that part isn’t happening. Besides, it’s too complicated to fall in love. Sex, yea, I have no problem with that. Just by my rules. Do I enjoy sex? Mostly. I mean, I’m not one who has an easy time with orgasms and I don’t relax easily. So it’s mostly enjoyable.
What are my rules? Ha, well they are just a few. Always wrap it. Never bring them to my home. Never get emotionally attached. Never allow a man to pay for anything for me. I can take care of myself without anyone’s help. Never spend the night, after the deed is done, leave. Finally, never allow them to know me, the real me. Never open up my heart.
As I sit watching the ocean thinking about my life my cell phone rings. I look at the number and its Sunny Spot. It’s my very rare day off and I hesitate to answer, but I always do.
“Hello,” I pause to listen and I gather my things in a hurry and rush out.
“I’m on my way.”
Nothing ever throws me a curve but this call did. I run home as I walked to the coffee shop this morning and I need to get into my Jeep and to the nursing home ASAP.