I drove home in a fog and not because of the alcohol. What in the hell just happened? Once I arrived at my apartment, I went in and lay across the bed. Things like this didn’t happen to me. I didn’t meet men in bars. I certainly didn’t kiss them upon just meeting them, and I sure as hell didn’t get myself backed into a date with them.
This was too much. This was someone else’s life, not mine. Too much to process, too much to think about. I chose instead of shutting down, to just forget it. I had him coming to my dump of an apartment to pick me up. If that didn’t show him how different we were then, oh crap, forget it.
Time to lose myself in words. I pulled out the laptop and went to work on my story. The one that I’d promised Gail I would read her. I had enough for a start and I would read the first bit to her tomorrow after work. I was done at five, as usual, so after that I’d come home to change before Jackson picked me up. No reason I needed to fancy up. I had a simple sundress that I’d wear and sandals. That was good enough.
Immersing myself in writing. I poured my heart into the work. This was where I let myself be free. The writing was raw, it was emotional, and it set me free. It allowed me to be who I was inside, instead of the shell that I showed everyone else.
I allowed the tears to flow, allowing the anger to hit my soul and giving myself permission to feel. Only while writing did I allow myself to let go of my control. Feeling anything any other time allowed me to be hurt. I wouldn’t break again. I was alone in this life, alone by choice. It was easier than having expectations and promises that never were met.
Spending an hour, maybe closer to two hours, writing, it was getting later and later, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to bed. Finally, I stopped writing. Instead of going to bed, I moved to the window in my apartment and looked out into the sky.
“What purpose did tonight have? Why throw someone in my path to complicate the life I finally allowed myself back into? Why test me? Why make me feel tempted when in the end, it won’t matter anyway?”
The words moving over my lips left me feeling cold, distant from my emotions. Suddenly tired and ready to let sleep claim my thoughts, I walked over to my bed, stripped out of my clothes, and climbed under the sheets while listening to the sounds of the night coming through the open window.
Morning came all too early, but I, again, embraced the day and made my way to the coffee pot. I showered, then headed into work.
“Morning, Ray.”
“Good morning, Miss Lacie. Did you sleep well?”
I groaned. “When I finally allowed myself to sleep, I slept great. It was the hours I stayed awake that didn’t allow me to sleep so well.”
Ray laughed. “Hang in there, Lacie. Hope for an easy day.”
I smiled then moved on about my day.
The day seemed to buzz by. I found some time at lunch to print out my story I’d been working on so I would have it ready to read to Gail tonight. After printing it out, I headed to the game room where Lou was already waiting for me. This time, I was going to win.
“Oh, come on, Lou! Really? That’s two games! I give up. I think you’re cheating. No one is that good.”
Lou laughed and laughed.
“Girl, I keep telling you that you need to pay attention. You are truly not focused today. Did you cheat on me last night? Did you have a date?”
“Me, a date? Cheat on you? Never, Lou!”
I got up and planted a kiss on his forehead.
“Alright, next time, Lou. I’m going to get you yet.”
Lou laughed. “Dream on, Lacie. I love you to pieces, but you just lack the concentration skills to beat me.”
I laughed as I headed out of the room toward the breakroom. I was going to grab another cup of coffee then head back to work to finish up for the day.
Vanessa was in the break room and asked, “What gives? Did someone finally swing for the fences? You look like someone kept you up half the night, and not the battery operated someone. Did you finally let someone slide into home plate, Lacie?”
I gasped at my friend’s bluntness. “Really, Vanessa? No battery powered nor anything else either. Just couldn’t stop working on my laptop. It’s good.”
Vanessa shrugged. “A girl can hope. I mean, Lacie, you don’t date. I keep hoping that you’ll find someone but if you keep yourself here all the time and at the library, you’ll never meet anyone. Sometimes you gotta step out of the batting cages and just swing.”
Smiling at my baseball-loving friend I said, “I hear you. I’m working on it, okay? Just let me be and I promise eventually, I’ll stop putting forth so much effort into being a hard-working employee so as to not get fired.”
Vanessa waved me off. “Oh please, like they would fire you. You’re the only one who works hard in this place.”
“Thanks, Nessa, but honestly, we’re all replaceable. I’m going to get back out there to my people. I’ll see you later. Oh, and maybe you should take your own advice about swinging for the fences.” I turned and left Vanessa before she could defend herself and so I could finish out my day.
I headed to Gail’s room at the end of my shift. I took my seat in the chair next to her. Observant as always, Gail started to question me.
“What gives? You didn’t change to have dinner with me?”
Knowing I was going to change to see Jackson later, I didn’t pack my usual change of clothes. Why make extra laundry? “Nope, I was running late this morning, so I didn’t pack extra clothes. Sorry, Gail.”
She waved me off.
“So, did you go out like I asked you to?”
“I did, and I had the best burger ever.”
Gail smirked at her. “Really? The Tavern is where you went?”
I laughed. “At least I did as I promised I would. Now, do you want to hear some of what I’ve written?”
Gail nodded. “Absolutely. Lay it on me, girl.”
“Now keep in mind this is a story. Although I write in the first person, as though I’m telling the story, this is not about me.”
Gail nodded. “Just get on with it. Stop stalling.” I grinned and started reading.