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SPENDING TIME WITH Jeremy was night and day difference compared to when I spent it with Larry. Every moment I’d been with Larry had been more like planning a social calendar. Where were we going and who would we be with? What would I be expected to wear? Nothing we ever did involved just the two of us.
But Jeremy and I had found a simple routine that we slipped into easily. We had breakfast together every morning. He still tried getting me to sleep in his bed, but more on a joking level.
I didn’t want to ask about his mom, but at the same time, I did. She was a part of him, she was his family. I didn’t have any family, and I would love for her to be in our life, but on better terms and with more concrete boundaries.
We had received another step from ClickandWed and it involved fixing something for the other person. I still hadn’t figured out what to do for him. I sat the table with legal pads, pencils, and pens spread out in front of me almost a month after Jennifer and Monty had booked their wedding with us.
What could I do for Jeremy? I looked around the house, like it would share some deep dark secrets about my husband that would help me know how to serve him. I closed my eyes and rested my head on my folded arms. If he wasn’t upstairs, I would totally groan out loud just to hear my frustration.
“Alex, can you come here, please? I need your help with something.” His voice called down to me from the next level.
I rolled my eyes and climbed down from the stool. “I’m not getting into your bed, Mr. Akers.” My answer was tempered with a laugh. He made comments all the time, and it’d become a form of flirting between us. I’m not sure what would happen if I finally gave in. My resolve was due more to nervousness than anything else.
Actually, that wasn’t true. I didn’t want to sleep with him and then have that part of me fall for him. If we didn’t work out at the end of our six months, I would hate to have lost so much of my heart to him. The pain would be better controlled, if I kept distance between us.
“Are you coming?” He called from the other side of the floor from his room.
I climbed the stairs, curiosity fueling me forward. Could I count this as fixing something for him? The soft speckled brown and cream carpet silenced my steps. “Where are you?”
“In here.” The first door on the right stood open, and he raised his hand past the doorjamb to help me locate him.
“Coming.” I got to the door and looked inside, blinking first at Jeremy and then at the room set up past him.
A pine log queen-sized bed manned the center of the wall to the right of the door. Creamy neutrals covered the bed and curtains with splashes of rose to accent the warm glow of the wood on the bed and dresser. The room was simply furnished, but elegant.
“Oh, my goodness.” I breathed. A bouquet of dusty pink roses, green leaves, and white baby breath sat on the dresser, filling the room with its soft fragrance.
Jeremy took my hand. “It’s yours. For as long as you want. I don’t want you to think you have to sleep with me. If that day ever comes, you can keep this room for your office or whatever you want.” He searched my face, worry creasing his brow “Do you like it?”
I couldn’t believe it. He must’ve finished it in secret while I’d been distracted with the wedding preparations. The sentiment behind the room took me a moment to absorb. I leaned up and kissed his cheek. “I love it. Thank you... so much.” I folded my hands and leaned my knuckles against my chin.
He grinned as he pulled me to his side and we looked over the room together.
I couldn’t think of a better or more romantic gift to be given.
~~~
WE WERE THERE. THE wedding was in five days. Five.
“I can’t believe we’re almost there. How’s the pavilion coming?” I sat next to Jeremy at the dining table, our knees touching in a silent need to be near each other. I’d somehow hit the moment where I couldn’t be around him without touching somehow, like our hands linked by a couple fingers, or shoulders leaning on each other as we sat on the couch.
I didn’t allow anything to move past first base physically, and he didn’t push me for more. Maybe he understood that we could lose more than money, if we got too attached before the deadline.
“It’s almost there. I’m waiting on a call to see if I can get the wood I need.” He tapped the calendar resting on the table between us.
Jennifer and I had met more than a couple times a week since we’d booked it, and the final details were falling into place. The closer the day got, the more she called me or texted.
“Is Jennifer okay with Italian for backup?” We’d booked the Greek restaurant in Issaquah. In case they fell through, we’d booked the Italian restaurant and would know for sure in the next twenty-four hours if the Greek restaurant would confirm.
“Yes, she’s fine with whatever we can get. She even said Monty wouldn’t mind a barbecue joint dropping off ribs.” I laughed and checked restaurants off my list.
The melodic tone of Jeremy’s phone split the air from its spot by the calendar. His mother’s face flashed on the screen. He grabbed the phone and muttered, “Excuse me. I’ll just take this outside.”
He had done that a few times over the last couple weeks, and it was usually when his mom called. As if he could keep us in separated segments of his life and not have us co-mingle. The lack of family interaction stung, and I constantly had to swallow back my regret over how things had ended with my own family. I would’ve loved to have a chance to work things out with his mother.
At least the chance.
When Jeremy returned, I glanced at him, but forced myself to keep it casual. He didn’t know he was hurting me by excluding me from that part of his life. No reason to make a big deal of it, if it was easier for him. “Is everything okay?”
He had a worried crinkle in his forehead, and he picked up the pencil he’d been holding. Tapping on the table, he stared at the calendar distractedly. “What? No everything’s fine. Did Jennifer say anything about Italian food? Is that out?”
Mrs. Akers was up to something. How sad that the first thing I assumed was that she was trying to dampen our progress. I didn’t even know if she was back from her sister’s. That was a part of Jeremy’s life I wasn’t privy to. Whatever she was up to, she had successfully put a shadow over our planning session.
No matter what, though, I wouldn’t be the first to bring it up again.
The rest of the day, Jeremy withdrew. I could sense it in the cooler smiles and the shorter intervals we spent together.
I couldn’t let his mother push me out of his life when I was starting to get a strong foothold.
Just before dinner, Jeremy approached me in the kitchen. “I’m going to get that pavilion built out in the southeast pasture, but I have to go get the materials. If I pick them up myself it’ll save me a couple hundred dollars in delivery fees, and I can have it by tomorrow. If I wait, we won’t have the wood until after the wedding.” Jeremy took a pan from the dishwasher and put it on the hook on the side wall where his pots and pans hung. “Did you want to go with me? Or did you just want to stay here?”
The list of things I had to do wouldn’t bear being put off for a road trip. Four days was all we had. The time was too sensitive for me to leave, too. Plus, it didn’t feel like he really wanted me to go. He didn’t tease me, touch my arm, or lean in close when he talked.
He didn’t have to say it out loud, but I could feel he was upset about something.
I shook my head. Would he sense my regret and longing to go with him? To fix whatever had happened? “I would love to, but I still need to go into the florist’s, make some calls, and put up some more lights in the barn. When will you be back?”
The chill had started with the call from his mom.
“I should be able make it back tomorrow night. I’ll bring some dinner from that place you like.” There were so many places I’d come to like, but the fact that he offered gave me a seed of hope that maybe he was just stressed from the event or from something his mother had said that had nothing to do with me.
A girl could hope.
The chance to be there overnight by myself held appeal, too. Especially since things had taken on a less intimate feel between us.
“Okay, drive carefully, and I’ll try not to throw any major parties.” My attempt at a joke flat lined as he nodded shortly at me and left the room.
I didn’t know what I had done, but the way he was treating me had come out of left field. I wasn’t sure where the man I was falling in love with had disappeared to, but...
Wait a minute, I wasn’t falling for him. I couldn’t be falling for him. We had pretty much only worked together. Except we hadn’t. We ate all of our meals together and cuddled on the couch to watch movies. We played Scrabble and went on walks. There was so much we did together besides work. He’d become an integral fixture in my life in the two short months I’d been there.
How had I missed the importance he’d taken on? I sank onto the nearest stool and tried to remember when it would’ve happened. The thing was, it came on like dawn, slow, steady, creeping over the mountains until it broke through and then illuminated everything in its path.
Jeremy’s gentle caresses and compliments had gotten to me. They’d broken through the final bricks of my wall Larry had never managed to even chip.
Jeremy was more interested in me when we were together and what we were doing. I soaked up his attention like a sponge.
The door closed and Jeremy left the house only a few minutes after I discovered how I felt in the kitchen.
I ran out to catch him. I slowed to a jog, but my footsteps crunched the gravel under my fast steps. I lifted my hand and called out, “Hey, wait a sec.”
Turning at the door of his truck, he narrowed his eyes in the sunlight.
“When you get home, maybe we could do a special date. It’s been two months since I got here.” Would he laugh at my sentimental mention of time passing? It meant a lot to me that I’d made it that far. Plus, I wanted to share with him my newfound feelings. That warranted something special, didn’t it?
“Two months? Time flies.” Inclining his head, he watched me, but didn’t touch me.
I had to push past my insecurities and try to make that reconnection with him. I reached out and put my hands on his shoulders, looking up into his eyes. “I’m going to miss you, Jeremy. Be safe.” I glanced at his lips and then back up at his eyes in what I hoped was a not-so-subtle invitation for him to kiss me.
A half-smile played on his lips. “I’m going to miss you, too.”
But he didn’t come down to kiss me.
Luckily for him, I loved him, even when he was infuriating. I lifted myself up on my toes and pushed my face closer to his. “Learn how to take a hint, Mr. Akers.” I pushed my lips against his.
The kiss seemed to have more of a magnified effect on me. Maybe because I had finally taken the initiative, maybe because I finally owned my attraction to him. Maybe because it was back-dropped by my awareness of my love for him.
Jeremy responded in kind, as if he, too, sensed the kiss was different. He lifted his hands and put them on the back of my head, his fingers entwined with my hair. He angled his head and deepened the kiss.
When we finally pulled back, I was breathless and felt like I had been thoroughly kissed for the first time, and in such a way that even Rhett Butler would not have anything critical to say about it.
“Now that you’ve given me something to look forward to, I’ll hurry back tomorrow. A date sounds terrific. I have just the place to take you.” He winked and squeezed my hand before climbing in the truck.
I stood there as he drove off, watching him disappear. How had a man like him completely become the center of my existence in such a short amount of time?
Turning back to the house, I tried to catch my breath from that kiss. I would have to call Elizabeth and let her know that I finally found a man that made my knees go weak. She was going to be so jealous. I could guarantee she’d gloat for about twenty minutes, which I would love every second of.
~~~
ELIZABETH HADN’T ANSWERED her phone. She was probably too busy with her job. The woman worked more than I had.
I made myself a simple dinner of eggs and toast and set up the computer to work on photos. A photo of one of the hummingbirds reminded me of my mother. I had done so well in the last two months at keeping my family and the situation with them in the back of my mind. But alone, sitting there in the large house by myself, I found it hard to avoid memories of my family. I found it even harder to avoid any regret over what happened with them. I couldn’t find the strength to keep the guilt at bay.
Was two months long enough? It was for me. Would they have forgiven me by then? Had I forgiven them?
I suddenly needed to hear my mom’s voice. If for no other reason than to at least tell her I was sorry things had turned out the way they had. I was sorry I let things with Larry and the wedding planning go on until the very end before putting an end to it all.
Just hearing my mom’s voice would help me a lot. Because as frustrating as she was, and as poorly as she had treated me, she was still my mom. I loved her. I needed her.
I picked up my phone and dialed her number, but I got a weird beeping and then a message that said the number had been changed. There was no forwarding number.
I tried my dad’s cell number and the call was answered by a strange sounding woman. Wrong number.
I dialed the house phone, and got a disconnected signal. They had done everything they could to get rid of me. To kick me out of their lives. Bile worked its way up the back of my throat, and I swallowed the despair. What had happened? Was it really that bad, what I’d done? Why had Dad allowed Mom to kick me out so thoroughly?
Finally, I went on social media to see if I could reach her on Facebook. Maybe I could send her a message; connect with her that way. I hadn’t even been on there in over six months. I wasn’t the biggest fan of social media, even with my love of websites.
Once I got on my Facebook account, I tried searching for my mom in the search bar. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I had the sinking sensation she had blocked me.
My mom had cut me from her life. Effectively. I didn’t even want to try emailing her now.
Her actions left me feeling torn up and thrown out. And because I had already decided to apologize and try to fix things between them, it left me feeling more than sad. How could I compete when I was defeated from the outset?
I wouldn’t change my number, because that way, if they ever wanted to reach out to me, they could try and I wouldn’t reject them. Not when I understood how much it hurt to be turned away.
Shutting down my computer, I gasped, my chest heaving with each ragged breath. I was alone. Jeremy was mad at me, or he’d been upset with me. My parents didn’t want me. Mrs. Akers didn’t want me. I couldn’t get ahold of Liz, but with how horrible I felt at that point, I didn’t think I wanted to talk anyway. I didn’t want to spread this depression to anyone I loved.
I didn’t have many left.
I closed my computer, leaving it at the counter. Turning off the lights, I sat on the couch, intending to watch television. But instead, I fell asleep crying.
