We all know people whose smile, personality, and social presence provide the energy equivalent of the sun. They exude good vibes and seem to get along with everyone. Seeing those folks at work makes it easy to think that “some people have it and others don’t.” That you’re either great with people or you’re not. But that’s simply not true.

As a lifelong introvert, I spent my early years exhausted and confounded by nearly all social interaction. Even being in public was difficult. I remember when I was a child, visits to the local mall with my mom would require a few hours of recovery in my room alone with the lights out and curtains drawn.

This pattern persisted until my midtwenties, when a friend introduced me to the “pick-up” industry, sending me an e-book by information marketer Eben Pagan, then writing under the pseudonym David DeAngelo and selling products under the company name Double Your Dating.

Though there are definitely creepy, sexist elements to the “pick-up” industry, Eben’s use of social psychology research to examine human interaction rituals appealed to my inner nerd. Plus, the promise of his work—be better with people!—appealed to my inner recluse.

As I worked through his materials, I gathered new social strategies that made meeting people (both friends and romantic interests) much easier. As someone who assumed I’d be “afflicted” with introversion and social phobia for life, this was a revelation.

Through Pagan’s work, I was also turned on to another book, a practice-based handbook outlining thirty days of small daily activities that, if done regularly, promised social mastery. So, every day for a month, I tried something new from the handbook. One day it was to make friendly eye contact with three random strangers. Another was to make small talk with three people I didn’t know. And so on. After this month of intentional practice, social interactions became dramatically more comfortable, and I was set on a path to actually seek out new social experiences.

But, even more important than specifically learning how to develop my social skills, I finally grasped a life-changing meta principle: the idea that any skill can be built, even a skill I thought impossible for me, if I first believed that I can improve, and then practiced patiently until I do.

Of course, I was first exposed to this idea in the gym. Starting out at five feet nine and 135 pounds, I used daily exercise and good food choices to build seventy pounds of muscle and a national championship body. But this principle didn’t become a deep part of my worldview until I transformed from someone shy and introverted, with social phobia, to someone comfortable meeting new people, starting up conversations at events, and speaking in front of audiences.

Now’s your turn to incorporate it into your worldview.

It all starts with a growth mindset

According to Carol Dweck, author of the book Mindset, people who successfully build new skills or change old patterns believe that their efforts will actually pay off.

In other words, they believe the most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. And, because they believe the hard work will be worth it, they see learning as fun, not frustrating. They see criticism as necessary feedback, not soul-crushing judgment. They become bold in the face of challenges rather than cowering in fear. And they look at everything—even “bad” things, annoyances, or temporary setbacks—as a path to getting better. This is what Dweck calls a “growth mindset,” something she believes is the hallmark of fast-developing people and professionals.

Those with a growth mindset see every experience as a chance to improve their skill. They see challenges and failures as opportunities to ask future-thinking questions, like:

Why did things happen that way?

Could things happen differently?

What if I tried a new way to solve the problem?

What if I put more effort into it, or asked for help?

Who else can help me learn how to do better?

On the other hand, those who believe certain qualities are unchangeable—Oh, I’m a hardgainer and can’t build muscle; No, I’m socially awkward and won’t be able to get better—are practicing a “fixed mindset,” according to Dweck. They don’t believe in the ability to grow. They don’t think practice is worth it. As a result, they see everything but positive feedback as a threat. Eventually a kind of learned helplessness sets in as they start believing “things are what they are” and can’t be changed.

Of course, very few people would raise their hand and say, “Yes, this fixed mindset idea describes me completely!” In reality, many people practice a growth mindset in certain areas and a fixed one in others. The key to making progress on any skill is recognizing those areas where you’re practicing a growth mindset and those where you’re practicing a fixed one. Simply calling out where you’d benefit shifting from fixed to growth will unlock a huge vault of possibilities.

When doing this kind of inventory, be especially careful not to let fixed-mindset symptoms parade around as oversimplification and rationalization. For example, some people rationalize a lack of growth with sentiments like: “Relationship people know how to ‘suck up’ or ‘play the game.’ I’ve got more integrity than that. So I’ll stick with being me.”

The problem is that “me” isn’t a fixed entity. Research shows that people are much less constant, over time, than they think. It’s called the “end of history illusion” and it’s a phenomenon in which people of all ages believe they have experienced significant personal growth and changes in tastes up to the present moment, but will not substantially grow in the future.

A thirty-year-old’s impression of how much they’ll change in the next ten years feels small compared to a forty-year-old’s recollection of how much they actually changed in the last ten years. This happens at every age.

The bottom line is that you will change in the future, much more than you expect. Practicing a growth mindset means being in the driver’s seat of those changes. It helps you understand that change and skill development are possible. It helps you direct your attention to the areas you most need to improve. And it helps you feel like all the hard work that’s about to come is worth doing.

Yet growth happens through daily practice

In Chapter 4 we talked about how your clients can only reliably achieve their goals when they a) engage in the daily practices that b) lead to the development of the essential skills required to c) reach those goals. It’s important to know that this applies to everyone and every goal. Indeed, to develop the reputation skills you’ll need to become the ultimate change maker, you’ll also need daily practice.

What’s fascinating about daily practice is that most of us are on board with it when we’re recommending it to someone else, like a client. However, when it’s recommended to us, we frantically search for another way: Isn’t there a life hack for this!?!

I’ve seen this thousands of times with the Precision Nutrition Certification program. The Level 1 program, as mentioned earlier, comprehensively covers the art and science of nutrition coaching. And it’s delivered in the way you’d expect. There’s an authoritative text, a workbook, online learning modules, and quizzes.

The Level 2 program, on the other hand, is completely different. It takes Level 1 graduates through a practice-based program. This means that every day students are asked to practice specific coaching skills with clients, family members, friends, and more. These practices map to multiweek modules that are part of a yearlong curriculum designed to help students become master coaches. This is all accomplished by moving away from cognitive learning and toward embodied doing.

As we all know, clients don’t get healthy by learning about health. They get healthy by patiently practicing nutrition and fitness, consistently (and, often, under the guidance of a coach). Likewise, coaches don’t develop expertise by learning about coaching. They become experts by patiently practicing excellent coaching, consistently (under the guidance of their own coaches).

Yet some bristle at the idea of taking a dose of their own medicine. Sounding just like the clients who frustrate them with their own impatience, some of our Level 2 students will wonder: One year . . . why can’t it go faster!?! And: This program isn’t what I thought it’d be . . . it’s too slow and I can’t see how it’ll help me become a better coach! Or: I don’t have time for any of this practice! You should hear the distress when we ask them to actually do their own food journal!

Don’t be like these students!

Instead, do whatever it takes to remind yourself that daily practice is the only way to develop any skill, from learning a language, to playing an instrument, to improving your fitness, to earning a degree, to building your reputation. There are no shortcuts and no hacks.^* There’s only believing you can get better (growth mindset) and doing the painstaking work of actually getting better (daily practice).

A few years back, Precision Nutrition developed a free online course for health and fitness professionals. When it was finished, our team sent it around to a number of influential colleagues to see if they’d be interested in sharing it with their readers, prospects, and clients.

Mike Boyle—a friend and one of the most respected coaches in the business—was quick to send his feedback, which wasn’t particularly flattering. Specifically, he criticized the main image on the landing page, a friendly-looking young personal trainer with a shaved head. He was wearing a blue tank top and his muscular arms were crossed. Mike felt the image perpetuated industry stereotypes, was a huge cliché, and would be rejected by most readers. He essentially told us he’d never promote the course unless we did better.

Understandably, after working hard on the course for nearly six months, team members had a strong knee-jerk reaction. From what I could see, they felt a mix of ego pain and defensiveness. And some flat-out disagreed with his assessment. They weren’t sure what to do next. Should they believe Mike and change the image? Or forget Mike and do what they thought was best?

My response was a little different. Instead of judging Mike’s skill in delivering feedback, arguing against his position, or accepting his position blindly, I got curious. I wondered: “Is Mike right, here?” “If so, how did our entire team miss seeing what he’s so clearly seeing?” “If not, what is he missing?” Finally, “How could we know, for sure, if his criticism is valid?”

We decided to let our audience settle this. We’d create five different landing pages for the course, each with a different image, and send 20 percent of our audience to each page. From there we’d see which converts the best, in other words, which better compelled visitors to sign up.

Before launching the test, though, I emailed Mike to express deep gratitude for his feedback. Truth is, Mike was the only person who actually stepped up, took time out of his busy schedule, and offered his honest, unfiltered thoughts. Here’s an excerpt from what I wrote:

I just wanted to send a quick note to thank you for your feedback on our free course landing page (i.e., the tank-top dude).

Honest, useful feedback is so valuable and, I’ve found, gets rarer the more “successful” I become. (Unless, of course, I spend too much time on Facebook. Lots of it there.;-))

Anyway, I shared it with the design team to help them further refine their ideas. I find designers sometimes lean on clichés and we have to push them really hard to think differently about health and fitness images.

With that said, we do a lot of split testing. In fact, based on your feedback, we now have five different images we’re testing to see which performs the best in terms of sign-ups.

The attached is our baseline landing page for the course.

But we’ll be testing four other versions to see which “wins.” (Including tank-top guy, which a percent of our audience will see, but certainly not all.) In my experience, the winner is never the one we bet on. It’s always a surprising dark horse candidate.

Anyway, again, wanted to thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts. Super valuable to us. And super rare. I value it very much.

This wasn’t me trying to flatter or “suck up” to Mike. I honestly, genuinely felt grateful for his feedback. My gratitude increased when the split test generated a winning image that none of us would have expected, an image we’re still using to this day because the landing page is converting at a percentage that’s way above industry standards.

Again, this was only possible by looking past his style and focusing on his substance. By getting curious and asking “What can we learn from feedback?” and “How can we find out if the feedback is right?” and “Should we do something different based on it?” And by sending a grateful and graceful response to Mike to ensure he’s willing to share his feedback in the future.

If we saw Mike’s feedback as an attack on our skills, talents, or worth, we would have lost a learning opportunity, a business opportunity, and a relationship-building opportunity. Based on our email exchange, Mike did share the course with his audience, which sent a lot of prospects our way. Plus he also sent a nice response to me; my reputation was enhanced in his eyes.

Of course, it’s easy to talk about receiving feedback well when it’s so clearly beneficial. But what if it comes from an ogre boss or a cranky client? Well, personally, I see all feedback as valuable. Accepting it well is an essential part of becoming successful. Seeing past style and looking at substance pays huge dividends.

This is true even if someone is so bold as to suggest: “You suck at X!” The trick is to remember this acronym: WAIT, which stands for Why Am I Talking? In other words, when someone’s giving feedback—of any kind—don’t argue, defend, justify, or react. Just quietly receive it. Even better, thank them for it regardless of how it makes you feel in the moment.

RESPONDING TO FEEDBACK

“Thanks for being open enough to sharing this. Can you tell me a little more about why you think that way? I’d like to do better at this in the future and it’d be really helpful to understand what you’re seeing and how I might improve.”

This is easier if you remember you’re in control. You don’t have to do anything with the feedback. It’s not necessarily even valid or true. But deciding its worth, or whether to take action on it, isn’t something to do in real time. Your goal is to simply receive all data without blocking transmission. Gather now, process later. You can evaluate what’s worth taking action on once you’ve had the processing time. From there, you can use your growth mindset to learn, adapt, and evolve based on what you think was valuable.

In the end, if you practice this skill, you’ll eventually see everything—even vitriolic Facebook comments questioning your viability as a human—as an opportunity to help you get better.

On a recent trip, I asked a colleague, “If you were the CEO of a company, would you hire me? If yes, what would you hire me to do?” As we have a long-standing relationship of honest, supportive, helpful feedback, his response was, “Well, I certainly wouldn’t hire you to do any kind of management.”

Now, I co-founded one of the world’s largest nutrition coaching, education, and software companies. I helped it grow from zero dollars to a valuation of over $200 million with no investors or bank loans, and helped grow the team from two people to one hundred.

I could have chosen to get offended or argue about why he’s wrong. But that would have denied the truth of his statement. Because management is what I concentrate on the least. I’m mediocre at best. Since I’m not very good at it, and I don’t enjoy it, I’m always trying to avoid it. So management is a growth opportunity for me. Yet it happens to be one that I’m not going to act on now because, at this stage of my career, I’m focused on a few other, more important ones.

Since I decided to keep my mouth shut (remember: WAIT) he continued on, sharing a few other growth areas for me (that I have acted on) and a lot of positive feedback that was equally helpful. Had I gotten offended, argued, or denied the first point, I would have signaled to him that I wasn’t actually interested in his feedback. He might have shut his mouth too. And I’d have missed out on all that other useful information he shared, the stuff that came after the first part.

This idea of actively soliciting feedback is what I call “hunting feedback.” The fastest learners I know do it aggressively. They’re on a mission. They collect more feedback per day, per week, per month, per year than everyone else. And this exposes them to every possible growth opportunity available.

To accomplish this myself, I send standing requests to clients and colleagues, friends and family members, to share their feedback—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I let them know that, although I might not always enjoy criticism in the moment, I want and need it. That I’ll be receptive to it. That I’ll view it as a gift.

ASKING FOR FEEDBACK

Here’s a script for how you might do the same:

Can I ask you to help me with something important?

Growth is really important to me at this point in my life. So I’m asking some of the people I respect and admire to share feedback on how I’m doing—good, bad, or ugly—whenever it pops into their minds.

This is so important to me because, like everyone else, I have blind spots. I have to rely on the folks around me to help me see what I’m missing so I can be a better coach and colleague, friend and family member.

Please know that I want you to be as honest as possible. In exchange, I’ll do my best to not respond emotionally or defensively. I consider this feedback a gift, no matter how difficult some of it might be to hear.

Hopefully there will be a nice balance of positive and negative. But it’s okay, too, if there isn’t.

Is this something you’re comfortable doing?

Likewise, I take every opportunity to ask for feedback situationally: after a coaching session, after completing a piece of work, after a difficult conversation, or after a particularly fun day. When that feedback comes, I make good on my promise. I collect this “data” like laboratory notes for later evaluation and try to never argue, defend, or react to it emotionally.

Of course, not all feedback should be weighted equally. Some people are more articulate, thoughtful, or believable than others.^* Theirs should be weighted as the most important. At the same time, the more feedback the better. And all feedback should be considered.

This won’t always be easy. Most people hide from feedback because there’s risk. If it’s a particularly sensitive or caustic topic, it can guillotine your ego. And when you’re feeling hurt, your more primitive brain centers can take over, overruling higher brain centers. The result: you externalize the hurt, defend against it, attack the person giving it (which prevents your learning, strains your relationship, and guarantees you won’t get feedback—so necessary for growth—in the future).

Yet by recognizing that feedback is your only reliable path to growth, by looking at substance over style, by remembering WAIT, and by getting as much feedback as possible, your skill will quickly build in this domain. You’ll be in a position to maximize every growth opportunity. Plus your reputation will grow as people start to see you as a mature, seasoned, respectful professional.

Learning to hunt feedback brings a host of career-changing benefits. However, if you’re not careful, it could come at a cost. Because, when some individuals get really good at taking feedback, they get really bad at giving it. All about substance over style, they forget that most others aren’t yet hunting feedback, they’re hiding from it. While others aren’t practicing WAIT (Why Am I Talking?), they’re opting for DRIP (Deny, Repress, Ignore, Pretend) instead.^*

Even if you share the same kind of feedback you personally thrive on, if you’re too direct or you offer unsolicited feedback, you could be triggering a judgment war. They’ll judge you for being mean, unkind, threatening their ego, or lacking tact. And you’ll judge them for being irrational, fixed minded, and lacking the ability to take feedback well. That’s a lose-lose proposition. They don’t get the opportunity to hear about how they can improve. And you’ll have wasted your time doing something you thought they’d appreciate.

So, as you intentionally set out to grow your reputation, your next goal is to become more adept at sharing your feedback with others in thoughtful, caring, compassionate ways. It’s to recognize that most people won’t have your feedback-taking skills, and that you’ll have to craft your delivery in a way that makes others more likely to receive your comments well.

If this feels like a mismatch, it is. You are being asked to do double the work. To do the heavy lifting of turning all the feedback others send to you—no matter how insensitively it’s delivered—into something useful. And of turning all the feedback you’re sending others into something that’s compassionate and shared sensitively. But that’s part of the deal. Earning respect, garnering a rock-solid reputation, and becoming the ultimate change maker means doing work others aren’t willing to do.

SEVEN STRATEGIES FOR GIVING BETTER FEEDBACK

If you’re looking for ways to give better feedback, here are seven strategies I’ve found helpful.

FEEDBACK STRATEGY	WHY IT’S SO USEFUL
Give feedback when things have calmed down.	Some people hold a false belief that things have to be “worked out” in the heat of the moment, not realizing that this is most often going to worsen the conflict, not solve it. But all feedback—positive, neutral, or negative—should be delivered at a time when emotions are low. This helps both parties feel calm and safe. Even positive feedback can feel disingenuous if it’s delivered in the middle of conflict.
Speak slowly and quietly.	Whenever emotions run high, heart rates accelerate, and people speak more quickly and intensely. This leads to emotionally charged, unnaturally fast (and loud) monologues that are never well-received. That’s why, when giving feedback, wait until things are calm. Then calm them down even more. Slow your tempo. Speak softly. Even if you feel like you’re going too slow, that’s better than rushing and being too loud.
Be neutral, curious, and focus on the relationship.	When giving feedback of any kind, deliver it with neutral language and natural curiosity. “I noticed that . . .” or “Can you tell me more about . . .” are better than “You always . . .” Also, make it clear that you care about them and their growth, that your goal is to build the relationship, that they don’t have to respond to your feedback right away, and, in most cases, they don’t have to do anything with the feedback at all. They’re in control.
Be specific and as objective as possible.	Rather than global, general feedback like “You’re awesome!” or “That sucked!” give precise, specific, concrete feedback that’s situated in a particular time and place, and that describes something that really happened (or didn’t). For instance: “When you presented to our team on Tuesday afternoon, I noticed that you discussed Topic X but not Topic Y. From my perspective, including Y would have been useful because Z.” “When interacting with Client X just now by the front desk, I noticed that you couldn’t find the sign-up sheet. Would it be worth looking at the front desk organization system to see if we can make the process easier?”
Always put your feedback in context.	When sharing constructive feedback, always make it clear that your comments don’t represent the sum total of how you feel about the recipient as a team member or as a person. After all, they’re in your life because of good things. So make sure you communicate that you like them, respect them, think they’re awesome, and are sharing your feedback in that context.
Share lots of positive feedback too.	In most successful romantic partnerships, there’s a 20:1 ratio of positive comments to negative when not arguing. But, even when arguing, those couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative. So make sure you’re sharing the right balance of positive to negative feedback. Instead of always “catching people doing something wrong,” be sure to “catch them doing something right.” This makes it easier for them to understand the context above and to take constructive criticism in stride. Positive feedback also gives people a useful “action plan” for what to correct, improve, and/or develop. For instance, “I overheard you chatting with Client X, and I noticed your sales communication is really coming along well! In particular it sounds like you’ve been working on active listening and trying to understand their story in order to tailor our membership offer to what they’re seeking. That’s really effective! Keep working on that!” Now the recipient knows exactly what they did well, and what they can continue to strengthen too.
Ask for permission.	This might sound obvious but it’s often lost: People usually take feedback better when they’ve asked for it. So start by asking for permission: “Would it be okay if I shared some feedback about X with you?” With that said, sometimes you’ll have to share unsolicited feedback. In those cases, consider calling it out: “I wanted to share some unsolicited feedback with you. I totally get that you haven’t asked for it and that I’m just showing up with it unannounced. Is now a good time to talk about this? If not, when’s better?”

As you can probably tell, I’m a big believer in the feedback loop, both as a way to grow personally and professionally and as a way to communicate your maturity and professionalism to others.

Another type of communication that’s essential to building a strong reputation is what authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler call “crucial conversations” in their book by the same name. A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. Examples include:

asking a friend to repay a long overdue loan

talking to a client about their alcohol or drug abuse

giving your boss feedback about their actions or behavior

critiquing a colleague’s work

asking clients to keep certain commitments

If your heart beats faster just reading the list, that’s normal. Many respond this way because of past experiences with these kinds of dialogues. Whether they’ve taken the initiative and kicked off crucial conversations themselves, or simply have been in the middle of one, these conversations often end in silence (deny, repress, ignore, pretend), collapse (shame, embarrassment, withdrawal), or hostility (physical or verbal combativeness, aggression, and threat).

Combine these experiences with no obvious path to skill development and it’s no wonder some people avoid crucial conversations at all costs.

At the same time, being able to skillfully navigate crucial conversations will take your coaching game, your professional collaboration, and your personal relationships to the next level. Instead of avoiding key issues or bringing them up in a way that creates defensiveness (and, therefore, no real resolution), you’ll be able to masterfully navigate situations that others can’t see their way out of. You’ll become the most valuable communicator in the room, in any room.

I wasn’t always good at this. In fact, I’ve devoted a decade to it because I was bad.

Early in my life I fancied myself a “tell it like it is” kinda guy. I said what was on my mind and thought that made me an authentic, no-BS person of high integrity. Turns out I was really just selfish, abrasive, and unkind.

I remember working in a research lab during graduate school. One of my coworkers and I never really saw eye to eye, yet we had to collaborate daily. As I was still in my “telling it like it is” phase, I ended up receiving multiple visits from our human resources director.

Realizing that behaving this way wasn’t working for me, I tried to act “nicer.” But since I hadn’t done any internal work yet, I was just delivering the same kind of message as before. The “niceness” was a mask that felt disingenuous and manipulative.

After a few months of this, another coworker called me aside and leveled with me. “I can tell you’ve been working hard to try to get along with Linda. But, I have to be honest, it feels phony. Everyone knows you don’t like each other. But now, in addition to having obvious resentment for her, ‘nicer JB’ is just acting inauthentic and contrived.”

She went on to recommend Crucial Conversations, which completely changed my outlook. As I progressed through the book, I realized that I was spending far too much time blaming others and far too little time searching for the role I might be playing in our difficulties.

For example, previously, leading up to difficult conversations, I’d obsess over what the other person was doing, what they were like, what they might say in response to my words, and how I would “counter” their arguments. I was trying to force things to go my way. This was the exact opposite of the advice in the book, which taught me to lead with curiosity, be open to real conversation, and seek a free flow of information and meaning.

As I began to put into practice these techniques, I learned to stop obsessing over “what to say” and, instead, spend my energy preparing my mind and my heart to listen.

Why is listening so important? Because, in crucial conversations, you need everyone’s ideas, theories, feelings, thoughts, and opinions to build what I call “the shared pool of meaning” (Crucial Conversations authors call it “the shared pool of information”). The more information (and understanding) we can share, the higher our chances of making the right decisions—and the right compromises—to get everyone most of what they want and need.

To ensure I’m doing enough listening, I now enter all crucial conversations by asking questions. In giving others the chance to talk first, it shows that I care about their perspective, which makes them more likely to care about mine. And the combination of both leads to a deeper and wider shared pool of meaning. Yes, this kind of dialogue takes patience, ego detachment, and lots of extra time. But the alternative takes much longer because it simply doesn’t work.

While I never did figure out how to have a great working relationship with Linda, our conflict did light a fire in me to learn how to lead crucial conversations, to respond positively to them when others initiate them, and to mediate crucial conversations between other people.

It’s taken me a long time to improve in this area—here’s that patient practice thing again—but I’ve noticed that this kind of communication has helped me grow my personal and professional reputation more than any other. In situations that could otherwise become heated, I’ve come to be seen as clear thinking, insightful, and wise. Even more, it’s led to some of the most rewarding moments of my adult life. Thorny issues that might have otherwise threatened my relationships have led to beautiful moments of deeper clarity and connection with the people I care about most.

To evolve your own crucial conversation game, here are four strategies, adapted from the book.

Change your own motives

Helpers love to fix other people. However, the only person you have any control over, and the first person you need to work on, is yourself.

When difficult situations arise, first examine your own personal role in the problems and challenges you encounter. Ask “in what ways, no matter how small, am I responsible?” Knowing how you contributed makes you less likely to project blame, or shame, onto the other person.

Also, as you enter into crucial conversations, make sure you’re clear on your real goal. As tensions arise, it’s easy to get sucked into wanting to look good or defend against looking bad—or win. But, most often, the goal you most want is to find a mutually beneficial solution that strengthens your relationship with the other person. Ask, “Am I contributing to the shared pool of meaning now or have I lost sight of that goal?”

While it’s true that sometimes we are caught in a genuine dilemma with only two bad options, most of the time we have healthy alternatives. So consider replacing “either/or” thinking (“Well, I guess it’s either this or that”) with “both/and” thinking (“How can we both get this and that”). By looking for “and” solutions, our brains move to higher-level, more complex, integrative thinking. Ask, “Now that I understand exactly what the other person wants, how can I help them get it AND work toward getting what I want myself?” In other words, see if you can play the game so everyone wins.

Create a safe space

When things go wrong in crucial conversations, most people assume the content of their message is the problem. So they try to explain it differently, or try to water it down, or just stop talking altogether.

However, difficult conversations usually go off track because people don’t feel safe and supported. They feel like their position, or their pride, or their livelihood is at risk. However, when your intent is clear, and you’re giving off supportive vibes, and you make things safe, you can talk to almost anyone about anything.

To create a safe environment, people need to know that you care about their best interests and goals and that you share some of the same interests. This is called mutual purpose. They also need to know that you care about them as individuals. This is called mutual respect.

You can let them know both implicitly (with your body language and facial expressions, by listening first, by not interrupting, by showing that you’re clearly interested in their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives) and explicitly (by telling them “I want you to know that I care about your interests and goals here; I’ve thought about them a lot and think I have a sense for what they might be, but I’d love to hear them from your perspective first so I’m sure to get it right . . .”).

Keep in mind that no amount of posturing replaces real care. That’s why, leading into crucial conversations, your time is better spent thinking about why the people involved—and your relationships with them—are valuable in light of what you’re going to say next. By actually caring, and by demonstrating you care, people can relax and can absorb what you’re saying. They feel safe.

However, the instant they don’t believe you care (and it can happen instantaneously—even with those we have long and loving relationships with), safety breaks down, and silence, collapse, or hostility follows.

Add your perspective

When it’s your turn to talk, use the STATE method.

1 First, Share your facts instead of your story. For example, say someone is often late. Instead of sharing your interpretation of the fact (that they “don’t respect your time”), simply begin by saying that you noticed they’re often late.

2 Then, once the fact is out, you can Tell your story about the fact. This is when you can share your interpretation, making it clear this is just your interpretation, not necessarily fact.

3 Finally, you can Ask for their path, remembering that the goal isn’t to prove you’re right but to understand their perspective and resolve the situation.

To incorporate all three strategies, you could say something like: “I’ve noticed you’re often late. Now, I’m not sure why that’s happening. But it gives me, and others, the impression that you’re unreliable or don’t care about how your lateness affects them. Am I missing something about what’s going on? I’d love to hear things from your perspective.”

4 When sharing your story, again, remember it’s an assumption, not a fact. So Talk tentatively and show that you’re open to being wrong. Saying things like: “It makes me wonder” and “I get the impression” works better than “It’s obvious to me” or “It’s clear that.”

5 Finally, Encourage testing by asking them to share their viewpoint, even if it’s completely opposite to yours. This helps add to the shared pool of meaning while also demonstrating you want to hear what they have to say. If they’re uncommunicative, you can prompt with “Let’s say I’m wrong here. Can you help me see things from your point of view?” or “You seem frustrated and I’d like to understand why. Can you help me see your perspective?”

Find the path to action

The ultimate goal of dialogue isn’t just to create a healthy climate or even a clear understanding between parties. While both are helpful, they fall short of the real purpose: to get unstuck and take appropriate action.

Without action, all the healthy talk in the world is for nothing and will eventually lead to disappointment and hard feelings.

To take action, always mutually agree on when and how follow-ups will take place. It could be a simple email confirming action by a certain date. It could be a full report in a team meeting. Or it could be a follow-up conversation. Regardless of how or how often you do it, you need follow-up to create ongoing productive action. By collaborating on this (rather than you dictating how it’ll happen), the chances of follow-through are much greater.

Also, document your work. Effective teams and healthy relationships are supported by records of the important decisions made and the agreed-upon assignments. These documents are revisited to follow up on both the decisions and commitments. When someone fails to keep a commitment, candidly and directly discuss the issue with them.

Early in my life, despite my “tell it like it is” attitude at the time, and my later “be nicer” approach, I stressed out about having crucial conversations. Going into them, I felt incompetent, intimidated, frustrated, and angry. Coming out of them, I felt defeated and exhausted.

I still vividly remember the first time I had to “fire” someone at Precision Nutrition, one of the ultimate crucial conversations. There were days of agony leading up to it. What will he say? If I say this, how might he respond? Then what will I say to that? And on and on. Compared to the dread I felt, the conversation actually went okay. There was anger, and tears, from the person I was talking with. And I was less communicative, compassionate, or understanding than I’ve since learned to be. What I remember most clearly, though, was the aftermath. Immediately I went to bed and slept for twelve hours. It took nearly a week until I felt fully recovered.

If you can believe it, after years more practice, I’m now thrilled each time a crucial conversation comes up (although I never relish the idea of letting someone go). That’s because crucial conversations have become so rare that it’s hard to get practice. And reps are needed to develop an ever-growing mastery at solving problems, improving relationships, growing reputation, and earning the respect of others.

A few years ago, I was giving a keynote lecture to about five hundred health and fitness professionals. The session went really well until the Q&A, when one audience member stood up and aggressively contradicted a recommendation I gave.

As I’ve learned to do, I gave him space to share his viewpoint, told him I’d be happy to have a discussion with him after the session, and asked if there were any other questions. Unsatisfied, he got even louder and more aggressive. I told him I could sense his frustration and I could see where he was coming from. I promised to fully hear him out in a few minutes, at the end, and give him as much time as he needed.

After the session was over, we had a surprisingly calm and peaceful discussion (led by some of the crucial conversation strategies described earlier). Later, a colleague asked me how I do it, how I remain calm and confident, never raising my voice, always addressing unprofessionalism professionally. My answer: I keep the goal in mind.

This can feel hard to do. Imagine you’re the main event and you’re getting attacked—loudly, publicly. Why not use the pulpit to fight back, chest-thump, and exert dominance? Because that’s not the goal. It can never be the goal.

Think of it this way: Is my goal to win a fight with a single audience member so clearly trying to draw the attention away from me and toward himself? Of course not! The goal is to demonstrate to the other 499 audience members that I’m a calm, rational professional. That I’m confident, know my stuff, and am compassionate, approachable, and helpful. That I’m someone they want to learn from and do business with.

What else would my goal be at events like this? Arguing, trying to win arguments, or trying to demean others makes the exchanges about me, not the person I’m arguing with. It makes them about my ego. And I’m not there to stroke my own ego. I’m there in a professional capacity to be an ambassador for myself, my business, and (in some ways) the entire field.

Further, there are others watching, observing, evaluating, judging. People are always watching, whether it’s an audience, your family, colleagues, coworkers, friends, or social media contacts. That’s why, regardless of who “wins” any public conflict, both parties lose. It’s why one of my mantras comes from “Takeover” by Jay-Z.^*

A wise man told me don’t argue with fools

’Cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who.

So I don’t argue. Instead, I thank people for their thoughts and comments. The more disrespectful, combative, or triggering they’re trying to be, the more intentional I am about taking a deep breath, reminding myself of the goal, and responding with that in mind.

Knowing Your Goal

Asking “What’s my real goal here? What am I trying to accomplish?” will help you avoid distraction and stay focused on what matters. To get started, consider your goal in each of the following scenarios.

When giving a seminar

To do this exercise, and all upcoming ones, please download our printable + fillable worksheets at www.changemakeracademy.com/downloadable-forms.

When interacting on social media

When writing an article

When speaking with a client or patient

When in a staff meeting

When responding to criticism

This idea of keeping the goal in mind also extends to every situation in your career and life. From crucial conversations to stage presentations. From social media posts to parenting children. From creating your refund policy to handling unprofessional behavior.

Asking “What’s my real goal here? What am I trying to accomplish?” will help you avoid distraction and stay focused on what matters. Practice this and you’ll be recognized as the consummate professional, as someone who’s unflappable, as someone who keeps the main goal the main goal; your reputation will grow.

Having the self-knowledge to understand your own goals, and the discipline to stick with them in the face of distraction, relies on developing wisdom. While it often feels like an intangible quality, psychologists suggest wisdom is a thinking process that integrates knowledge, experience, deep understanding, common sense, and insight.

Observe how wise people operate and you’ll see they think in unique ways. For example:

They recognize patterns, noticing how things play out over time.

They seem comfortable with ambiguity and lack of control over life.

They have a tolerance for the uncertainties of life as well as its ups and downs.

They also see the big picture, have a sense of proportion, and know themselves.

But wisdom isn’t something you’re born with, nor is it a quality that “just happens” for some people. Rather, it’s something you commit to, invest in, work on. Wisdom is something you cultivate like a garden: preparing the soil, planting the seeds, watering, weeding, pruning, and clipping. Finally, after a long growing season and a lot of work, you harvest.

How do you cultivate and invest in wisdom? Here are a few ways.

TRY UNFAMILIAR THINGS.

Each time you try something unfamiliar—from visiting a new place, to experiencing a new hobby, to checking out a different form of entertainment, to trying a new skill at work—you open yourself up to learning. Approach it with a growth mindset and current you slowly becomes wiser future you. Even more, you’ll better home in on your purpose, unique abilities, and values. Because experiences teach you which things to do more of and which to do less of.

STRATEGICALLY FACE YOUR FEARS AND DO THE UNCOMFORTABLE.

It’s often the things we’re afraid of, the things we come up with seemingly good justifications for not doing, that help us grow. Or, at the very least, hold the key to helping us handle discomfort in the future. Don’t purposelessly expose yourself to real or psychic danger, of course. Instead, look for the fearful things—like starting that book you’ve been wanting to write, or applying for the new business loan, or asking a colleague for help—that will give you meaningful growth rather than just pointless pain or anxiety.

TALK TO PEOPLE WITH DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES.

Listening closely to people who think differently than you (about social, political, economic, religious, and scientific issues) and have different life experiences (from where they grew up, to the jobs they’ve held, to the hardships they’ve faced, to the triumphs they’ve experienced) can teach you about perspective, kindness, and compassion. You have to really listen, though. And ask: “What’s it like to live in their shoes? What would my worldview be if I were them?” You don’t have to agree with their conclusions. Yet the more you’re able to see the world through multiple lenses and understand why those exist, the wiser you’ll be.

PURSUE EDUCATION.

No, you don’t have to go back to school. But you do have to learn with intention. Because the more exposed you are to organized and well-researched viewpoints, the more likely you’ll be to discern fact from fiction, signal from noise. We’ll talk more about this in the next chapter.

READ.

Reading can be done as part of your educational curriculum or purely for pleasure. Whatever the goal, read. Not only does it expose you to the narratives and inner lives of thousands of real and imagined characters, it also gives you the quiet time to absorb, process, and reflect on what you’re learning in your life and help integrate it into your thinking.

SPEND TIME WITH WISE PEOPLE.

Humans are expert mimics. From infancy, we learn everything by copying others. People around us walked, talked, and fed themselves. So we figured out how to walk, talk, and feed ourselves. If wisdom, then, is our new goal, the next step is obvious: Spend time with wise people. Yes, ask them how they think, what frameworks they use to see the world, and why they do what they do. But, most importantly, observe what’s behind the words: how they live.

KNOW YOUR (CHANGING) SELF.

While learning from others is clearly important, wisdom also comes from balancing what they offer with what you offer. As mentioned earlier, “self” isn’t a fixed thing but an ever-changing one. Yet, at any point in time, each of our selves does have a purpose, unique abilities, and values. Get to know each iteration of your today self—expecting, of course, that it’ll one day change—to grow ever more comfortable with the wisdom of change.

LEAD WITH A BEGINNER’S MIND.

As you gather experiences, education, and insight, it’s easy to rely on pattern recognition, make quick assumptions, and get everything wrong. That’s why it’s important to enter new situations like a beginner: wide-eyed, open, and curious. Ask questions, listen closely, and confirm that your understanding is correct before assuming you know exactly what’s going on and what to do about it.

REVIEW CAUSE AND EFFECT OFTEN.

Nothing feels more frustrating and foolish than making the same mistakes, over and over and over, without learning anything or even seeing what’s happening. Wisdom is able to see patterns and links between inputs and outputs, rather than insisting that something should work, even though it demonstrably hasn’t. However, it’s hard to see this without making space to reflect, and without purposely looking for how things might be connected.

SLOW DOWN.

When you act (or react) too quickly, you don’t have time to engage all the parts of your brain. Especially the parts that store your accumulating knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight. To develop this skill, practice meditation, mindfulness, or even counting to ten. Respond too quickly and emotionally in high-stakes situations and it’s like you’ve never cultivated wisdom at all.

Practice these things, cultivate your wisdom, and you’ll begin to see through the matrix. You’ll start noticing patterns and seeing the big picture while others get bogged down in the details. You’ll remain calm in the face of both challenges and opportunities while others swing from soul-crushing despair to irrational optimism. And you’ll be able to help others do the same.

And here’s one final reason why wisdom is so important.

We live in what’s been called “the information age,” which means that most people now have access to the kind of information (i.e., facts and figures, procedures and processes) that people of the past never would have even known about.

Just a few hundred years ago, all recorded knowledge existed in a few libraries, curated and controlled by a tiny percentage of the world’s population. Technology has opened it all up. Even more, it’s helping us create new knowledge at alarming rates. Ninety percent of the world’s data have been generated in the last two years, which means the rest of recorded history, from the beginning of time, represents only 10 percent of what we know today.

While open access to knowledge is a good thing, this glut of information brings new challenges that technology has yet to solve. For example, it’s impossible to curate the 2.5 quintillion bytes of data created each day or evaluate its accuracy. (For some perspective, this means the world will create enough data to fill up thirty-nine million 64 GB iPhones today alone, and to fill up fourteen billion iPhones within a year.) Further, even if there were a way to curate, evaluate, and consume that information, people now realize that new knowledge doesn’t equate to ability. They know that “I’ve watched a video on how to play the piano” is very different than “I can play Chopin’s Nocturne in C-sharp Minor.”

For these reasons, and more, wisdom has become such an important thing. People have either already consumed all the information they need, or they know how to get it. Yet they don’t know how to make sense of it, prioritize it, or put it in action. That’s why they’re looking for someone to help. When you can calmly, wisely do that, your reputation will grow faster than you’ll believe.

One of my good friends, Tony, is a university professor, researcher, writer, podcaster, and speaker. I’ve always admired him because, among other things, he “shows up” the same way in his articles, on stage, and in his daily life with friends and family. No matter the context, his principles—even his “voice,” which is articulate, interesting, witty, and wise—remain the same.

This unique brand of authenticity (i.e., knowing who he is and being true to that) and integrity (i.e., acting in a way that’s consistent with his own values) makes him memorable. His audiences, students, colleagues, clients, and friends always know what they’re going to get and trust it.

Even though both authenticity and integrity have become buzzwords, it’s important to not lose sight of their value. When you become the kind of person who always does what you say you’ll do, whose principles and values are made clear, who acts in alignment with those values without deviation, and who does all that in all contexts, you’ll stand out as the kind of professional others respect and admire. You’ll become the kind of person people want to hire or collaborate with. Even more, you’ll hold yourself in high regard. And learning to recognize, and be proud of, your own virtues is one of the most undervalued features of a successful career and life.

That pride doesn’t come from merely “being yourself,” though. Rather, it comes from “being your best self.” Earlier in this chapter, I mentioned how, in my twenties, I was exposed to social dynamics, applied to the “pick-up community.” In their literature, they often called into question this commonly offered social maxim: “Just be yourself.” The argument: If “yourself” is awkward, uninteresting, and unskilled socially, if “yourself” is rude, abrasive, or condescending, if “yourself” is prejudiced, entitled, elitist, then definitely don’t be yourself. Rather, spend time on your “inner game,” building the qualities and characteristics required to become your best self.

Your best self can only emerge when you’ve learned to practice:

active listening,

leading with compassion and understanding,

delivering feedback with care and perspective,

over-delivering without expecting anything in return,

seeing all experiences as opportunities to grow, and

showing up with honesty, humility, and integrity.

In the end, as mentioned earlier, reputation is a human factor. Which means it’s developed by getting better at being with humans. No one is born with these skills already mastered. Each of us has to believe that these skills are important to develop, trust that practicing them will be worth the effort, and then get to the practicing.

Of course, mastering all eight isn’t possible overnight. It takes years of practice. However, mastery isn’t necessary. The simple fact that people see you working on them will attract them to you, your products, and your services. Keep working and people will start sending friends and family too.

* At Precision Nutrition, we believe the word “hack” essentially means “conceal mediocrity at.” Trying to “hack” your nutrition or sleep or exercise means trying to get the benefits without developing skill or mastery. And, as we all know, that’s unlikely to happen in health and fitness or anywhere else, including your business.

* I learned this concept from billionaire investor Ray Dalio. When evaluating opinions, he most heavily weights the ideas of those who “have repeatedly and successfully accomplished the thing in question, who have a strong track record with at least three successes, and have great explanations of their approach when asked.” In other words, those who are most believable.

* Hat tip to my friend Dr. Krista Scott-Dixon for coining this acronym.

* The wise man he was referring to is likely Mark Twain, who said: “Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference,” and “Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”