Cha Donghyun picks me up from my house late in the morning on Wednesday and drives us to a lunch restaurant in the trendy area of Yeonnam, the neighborhood beside Hongik University. The restaurant doesn’t take reservations, but Donghyun knows the owner, so we pass the long line of people waiting outside and are promptly seated on an upper-floor terrace overlooking a quiet street.
I settle my purse onto my lap, so that I can feel my phone vibrate should I get any calls or texts. I expect, at any moment, to get one from Secretary Park, informing me that an article was posted about Nathaniel and me being spotted together outside the batting cages. Luckily, there shouldn’t be any actual pictures of Nathaniel and me together, just the fact that we were at the same location. That’s not a scandal, as Jaewoo and Hyemi were also there. Joah’s PR team can spin it easily as four friends from the same company going out together. At least I hope so.
“Sori-ssi, I can’t tell you how happy I am that you contacted me.” Across from me, Cha Donghyun smiles shyly. He’s dressed simply in a button-down shirt and slacks, though I know the sum total of his outfit is probably a couple million won. He looks like an actor, with his pale skin and clear complexion. His most charming features are his ears, which stick out rather adorably.
“I apologize for my uncle.” He blushes, his white complexion making it difficult for him to hide his feelings. “I told him I was a fan of yours and he decided to do a bit of matchmaking. That must have been awkward for you.”
I shake my head. “I think it’s sweet. I’m mostly surprised that I have a fan.” If my father hadn’t made our getting together transactional, I might have felt completely at ease with Cha Donghyun.
“Really? But you’re so charming and beautiful. Sorry.”
“Thank you. You’re also very handsome. And sweet.” He’s making this so easy for me. I could ask him to call up his uncle now and demand he rip up the contract between KS and Joah.
“I should probably tell you some things about myself, to see if you want, that is . . .” He clears his throat. He means that I should know his qualifications before considering him a candidate for a boyfriend. I forgot that this is how some people of my social class date, sharing pedigrees to see if we’d make a good match. “I’m a first-year student at SNU.”
Only a first-year? According to the message from Secretary Lee, he’s twenty-one.
“I already served my compulsory military service,” he explains, referring to the service all male Korean citizens must fulfill. Nathaniel wouldn’t have to, as he’s American, but at some point, Sun, Jaewoo, and Youngmin will all enlist.
“I’m studying photography,” he continues.
My eyes widen. I’d expected him to be studying business or something more . . . practical, at least in the eyes of men like his uncle and my father.
“I’ve always loved taking photos.” His gaze connects with mine. “I have an eye for beauty.”
I raise a single brow. That’s something Nathaniel would say. He’d hold my gaze, a smirk on his lips, teasing me, flirting with me.
Donghyun must realize how his words come across because he blushes to the tips of his ears. “That is, I like bringing out the beauty in others. I mean, it helps when the subject is already beautiful. Wow, I’m not recovering from this well, am I?”
I laugh, finding him charming. With him, it would be effortless. He’s clearly the right choice. My father would get what he wants. My mother would have what she needs. The company will be safe. And so will Nathaniel.
The server approaches us and takes our orders. Unlike my father or Baek Haneul, Donghyun asks me what I want to eat and orders both dishes when I can’t decide between them.
I can’t help wondering what Nathaniel would do. We’ve obviously never gone on a date to a restaurant, just the two of us. He’d probably have ordered his own separate dish and then eaten off my plate.
“I saw your cameo on the latest episode of The Sea Prince. You were lovely. I’ll admit I was a bit shocked by the ending.” He rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “You must be close to—”
“I’m not,” I say quickly. If Cha Donghyun believes there’s something between Nathaniel and me, he might tell his uncle. Who could tell my father. I shudder at the thought. “That is, we were close, but . . .”
We can’t be anymore.
“I see,” he says. I eye him. How much does he see? “He is Nathaniel Lee of XOXO. He probably can’t date like normal kids his age. Not to imply that you were dating.” Donghyun smiles, guileless.
I shake my head. I wonder if he’s realized what he’s said. Kids his age, as if Nathaniel was so much younger than him.
The servers set our food on the table, two large platters of pasta dishes infused with Korean spices. Donghyun portions out a sizable amount of each pasta onto a separate plate for me, reaching over the table to set it in front of me. In the corner of my eye, I see two of the female servers whispering to each other and giggling over his manners.
“I’ve met him,” Donghyun says. “Nathaniel Lee.”
He’s currently in the middle of serving himself, otherwise he might have seen me choke on a caper. “You have?”
“He’s collaborating with one of KS’s artists, Naseol. We were introduced when he was at the company.”
I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to this information, so I say nothing. How would a normal girl who was interested in him react to his mentioning another boy she was not in love with say? My head hurts.
“He seems rather carefree, doesn’t he? That was my impression of him.”
I frown. Only someone who doesn’t know Nathaniel would think this about him. His friends know better. His fans know better.
He cares deeply about his family and his bandmates. He’s passionate about music and performance. He has dozens of interests and pursues them all fearlessly. Beyond being funny and kind, he’s also hardworking, reliable, and the most genuine person I know.
He’s never lied to me. He’s so different than how I’ve been raised, to hide my emotions, to never cause discomfort for my parents. He’s always honest with his feelings, even when it hurts. He believes everything I say, which is sometimes terrifying, because I know I can hurt him so easily; his trust is a gift.
I can feel myself getting worked up, which will only confuse Donghyun. I take a deep breath. Like before, I say nothing, shifting the pasta around on my plate.
“This date is going so well,” Donghyun says, as he maneuvers his car from out of the Hongik University area. “I don’t want it to end.”
I smile at him. It is going well, much better than I’d imagined, but I just want to go home and sleep. I check my phone, but Secretary Park hasn’t texted about any scandals. Maybe there won’t be one. Two days have already passed since that night. It’s possible that the tabloid reporters hadn’t gotten a good photo; in all of them, I must appear scared and harassed. Not exactly titillating news.
“Sori-ssi, I’m sorry to ask, but . . .” I look up from my phone at Donghyun, driving with both hands on the wheel. “A friend of mine is having an event nearby here. I hadn’t thought I could make it and was honestly feeling a bit guilty. Do you mind if we stop over for a few minutes? The event is almost over. I just want to offer my congratulations.”
“Of course,” I say. “Though I’m not dressed appropriately for a party.”
“You look gorgeous. That is . . .” He coughs. “It’s not a black-tie event.”
We’re moving a little fast if I’m already meeting his friends.
But I’ll eventually meet them. If I’m to date him, I’d have to commit to the role. If you date someone while being in love with someone else, who are you betraying? Nathaniel and I never made any promises to each other. Donghyun, then . . .
As I glance at his eager face, my heart fills with self-loathing.
He pulls up in front of a sleek, modern building.
I glance uneasily at the red carpet leading from the porte cochere to the front doors. A few photographers line the walkway, though, as Donghyun pointed out, we’re late, and most of the guests are already inside.
“I thought you said it wasn’t a black-tie event.”
“It’s not. It’s just that photographers tend to follow idols, you know? But I wanted to support Naseol-nuna.”
Naseol. My heart drops into my stomach.
“I don’t know if I should go. I—I wasn’t invited.” It’s a lie. I was invited, by the other guest of honor. But I can’t show up to Nathaniel’s event with a date.
“It’s fine,” Donghyun says, driving up to the curb. As he reaches for the door handle, I grab his arm.
“Can we not tell people that we’re, you know . . . ?”
He looks down at my hand, then up at my face. “That we’re on a date?”
“Yes,” I say, slightly out of breath.
“Of course. We’ll tell people that we’re friends, not that we came together. It’ll be our secret.” He presses his hand to mine, squeezes, then lets go. I feel nauseous.
Outside, the photographers perk up at our entrance. I try to cover my face with my purse, but a few of them recognize me. “Min Sori, look this way! Sori-yah, are you here to support Nathaniel? Sori, are the rumors of a real-life MinLee couple true?” I’m reminded of two nights ago, the reporters crowding around me, yelling for me. I stumble on the steps leading up to the building.
Donghyun catches my arm before I can fall, leading me through the doors and into the foyer. I’m breathing heavily, sweat on my brow.
“Sori-ssi?” Donghyun says, concern in his voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Donghyun-ah?”
Both of us look up.
Naseol stands in the foyer, having apparently come out from the main event hall, where through the large flung-open doors a stage and screen are in view, along with banquet tables.
She’s not alone.
“Sori,” Nathaniel says. His eyes move slowly from me to Donghyun, who’s still gripping my arm.
“Jihyuk-ah,” Naseol says, “this is Cha Donghyun, my CEO’s nephew.”
“Sori,” Nathaniel says again, his brow furrowed. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. There were just a lot of cameras . . .” I trail off, meeting Nathaniel’s eyes. He isn’t even trying to hide his feelings, radiating concern, confusion.
I flush.
When I turn to Donghyun, I find his gaze trained on Nathaniel, a deep frown on his face.
“Sori and I were on a date,” Donghyun says. I gape at him. I expressly told him not to say this. “But I wanted to come congratulate you, Nuna.” Though his words are meant for Naseol, his gaze never leaves Nathaniel.
Silence descends upon the hall. I can’t deny what he’s said. We are—were—on a date. And I haven’t gotten my father’s shares of Joah, the whole reason why I’d gone on it in the first place, which I can’t, of course, say.
“You missed the event, Donghyun-ah,” Naseol chides, oblivious to the tension. “But we were just on our way to a restaurant. You’re welcome to join us. You and your girlfriend.” She laughs.
I feel light-headed.
The sounds of voices come from the main event hall as more guests exit into the foyer. I recognize some of them: Sun, Jaewoo, Youngmin, Hyemi, a few KS artists. Lee Byeol from the radio show. They haven’t seen us yet. The thought of them seeing me with Donghyun fills me with dread. How will I explain him? Sun will know what I’m doing. With one look at Donghyun, he’ll know that I’m using him for something, even if he won’t know quite what that is. What if he mentions him to my mother? She’d never allow me to make a deal with my father. But if I don’t, she’ll lose the company.
“Donghyun-ssi,” I say, turning to him, almost pleading, “I’ll meet you outside. I need to use the restroom.”
His eyes widen, alerted to my panic. “Of course.”
I rush across the foyer into a secluded hallway. Finding the door to the bathroom, I push it open. Luckily, it’s empty, with only a few stalls.
Nathaniel catches the door as it closes behind me, following me inside.
“What are you doing?” I hiss. “What if someone saw you?”
“What’s going on?” he says, and my chest tightens at the pain in his voice. “Why are you with him? Were you really on a date?”
“No. I mean . . . yes.”
Nathaniel winces. “Is that why you couldn’t come to the launch? Because of him?”
“Yes,” I say, this time definitively.
Nathaniel’s gaze drops away, then it rises to mine, stripped bare. “Sori, I want to understand. If you’re breaking my heart, I need to understand why.”
My eyes are hot, they feel as if they’re burning.
I love him. I can admit that to myself now. I’ve always loved him. I love his voice and I love the way he looks at me. I love his laugh and I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way I feel when I’m around him, like the days are warmer, the nights more beautiful. I love him so much that it makes me want to throw everything else away, if only to be with him, for one more day, for one more minute, for one more breath.
“It’s not just your heart,” I whisper.
I don’t know who moves first, but I’m suddenly in his arms.
He kisses me as if he can’t breathe without me; I feel the same, wanting, needing to be closer. His hands circle my waist and lift me onto the counter. Our kisses turn frantic; my hands delve into his hair. I feel out of control, like I can’t have enough of him.
I kiss him with all the passion in my heart, showing him, even if I refuse to say it, how much I want him, how much I adore him.
I’m so caught up in Nathaniel that I almost don’t hear it—a knock. I break away from our kiss to hear Donghyun’s voice through the door, “Sori-ssi, are you all right?” He must have come looking for me when I didn’t come back.
Nathaniel’s hands tighten around my waist before they let go. He backs away as I slide from the counter, my dress falling back down around my knees.
“I’m here,” I call back. “I’ll be out in a second.”
“Sori,” Nathaniel whispers, just my name.
I shake my head. “What would have happened if Donghyun had walked in on us? It would ruin everything. It could, if he suspects anything.”
Nathaniel drags a hand through his mussed hair. “I’m sorry. I saw him, with you, and I didn’t . . . I wasn’t thinking.”
“Neither of us think clearly when we’re together. This was a mistake.”
He looks at me, stricken by my words. “You don’t mean that.”
He thinks I’m just upset because of the threat of a scandal. He doesn’t know it’s more than that.
Every scandal he can walk away from, more or less unscathed, beloved by his fans, with the support of his members and family to fall back on, but not me, and not the people I love. Scandals for my family destroy us, have destroyed us.
I forget that when I’m with him.
“Sori . . .”
“Please, let me go.”
As if hearing me through heavy fog, he steps back.
I bury my feelings, until the only evidence of them is the smarting of my eyes. Walking past Nathaniel, I open the door and slip through, hoping Cha Donghyun can believe whatever lie comes out of my mouth.