Nathaniel and I catch the first half of ASAP’s incredible performance before we’re hustled backstage to the dressing room. On the way, we’re stopped by celebrities—presenters, mostly, but also performers—praising us for our natural presence on stage and our chemistry. After the first few run-ins, I notice that everyone seems to speak to Nathaniel and me as if we are, in fact, a couple. They ask us how we’re feeling, what performances we’re looking forward to; Jolly and Heartthrob from Catch Me If You Can tease Nathaniel, saying they basically set him up, and Byeol, who’s presenting with her costar, tells me that Nathaniel and I look like we’re a couple that has been together for years, and that I look happy.
I am happy. It’s one of the most exhilarating nights of my life. We have little time to rest, rushing back and forth to the stage. We’re walking off after our final skit together when a familiar voice calls out to me. “Sori-ssi?”
My body, which had been warm and relaxed with Nathaniel the whole night, tenses.
I turn. “D-Donghyun-ssi. What are you doing here?”
“I was in the audience enjoying the show,” he says, smiling widely. “You were wonderful out there. Both of you.” He extends his magnanimity to Nathaniel, before focusing once more on me. “My friend who invited me asked if I wanted to go backstage, and so . . . I hope it’s all right. Did I overstep?”
“No, of course not.” I attempt to hide my dismay. On our last date, I told him I’d have an answer for him the next time we met. But I’m not ready to give him an answer, especially not here, with Nathaniel looking on. I don’t know what to do, what to say. It’s one thing to pretend in front of Donghyun, who only knows me as Min Sori, daughter of Min Kyung-mo, model and variety show personality, but not Nathaniel, who knows me inside and out. I can pretend all that I want, I can lie and use people, but not in front of Nathaniel.
“Sori.”
I look up. Nathaniel’s eyes, when they meet mine, are kind.
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” he says. “I should get going, anyway.” The skit before was our final one. This is the end. With a short bow to Donghyun—who returns it quickly—he starts to walk away.
“Wait!” I catch his arm. “You’re not staying?”
He glances down at my hand, then up to my face. “I’ll go sit with Jaewoo and the others, then we’ll probably head out after your mother’s speech.” He doesn’t explain why, not in front of Donghyun. To see Jenny.
He’s leaving. Without me, this time for good. Before last night, he might have told Donghyun to get lost, dragged me into a stairwell, and kissed me breathless.
But on the Ferris wheel, he promised not to make me waver. He said he was listening to me when I told him I couldn’t be with him. This is him, listening to me.
I let go of his sleeve.
“I had fun tonight,” he says. Dimples appear in both cheeks as he gives me one last devastating smile. “We make a good team.”
Then he turns and walks away.
“Wow,” Donghyun says. “So that’s the XOXO factor. I think I might have just become a fan.”
I laugh outright.
It’s such a silly thing to say, and generous too, since I know he picked up on the tension between Nathaniel and me. He’d have to be quite oblivious not to, and Donghyun is not that.
Why did I think it was okay to use Cha Donghyun? Because I didn’t know him? That’s not the reality now, nor should it have been reason enough to use him in the first place.
He’s a sweet person, a good person. He’s just not my person.
Maybe I thought the only way to save Joah was to follow the path my father laid out for me.
But he’s not the only parent in my life who’s given me a path to follow.
“Donghyun-ssi,” I say, “about the question you asked me the other night. I’m afraid that I can’t give you the answer you might have hoped for.”
Donghyun sighs, then nods. “I understand.”
I wonder if he’ll mention Nathaniel, that it’s clear where my heart lies. But he only smiles. “Even if it was only for a little while, I enjoyed our time together. Let’s meet again in the future, as friends.”
“I would love that,” I say, happy, at last, to speak the truth.
It only takes me a few minutes to find her. She’s sequestered in her own private room, with Secretary Park standing on guard outside the door.
“Sori?” My mother stands up from the couch when I enter. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say. “I just wanted to see you. Before your big moment.”
She laughs, sitting back down. “I feel like a bride again. I’m even wearing the shoes.” She lifts the hem of her pants, showing off her pumps.
“Was your wedding day like today?”
“No. I was a bit of a pariah. A lot of my friends didn’t want to associate with me after my scandal. But I had a few guests. Jin-rang, of course, and my group mates. So much has happened since then.”
“Was it very hard?” I ask quietly. I don’t have to elaborate on what I mean: Was it hard to give up her dream after becoming pregnant with me? Was it hard being stuck in a loveless marriage?
“Yes, but there’s not a moment of my life that I regret. Because of it, I have a career that I’m proud of. Because of it, I have you.
“I would walk the same path every lifetime, if I knew that at the end of it, you were waiting for me.”
My eyes fill with tears that threaten to spill.
“I was watching you earlier when you were on stage. I’m so proud of you, Sori. When you came to me saying you didn’t want to be an idol but wanted to forge your own path, you reminded me so much of myself. And since then, I’ve watched how hard you’ve worked to help Hyemi, how much time and energy you’ve spent with the ASAP girls and Jin-rang’s team. You’re so smart and strong-willed, everything I hoped you would be.”
Reaching out, she takes my hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much, but I want to change that. I want to be there for you when you need me. You can always rely on me. You know that, right?”
I nod. I do know that. I had known that. All my life I’ve relied on her, even when she was the one who needed protection.
Secretary Park knocks on the door before opening it slightly. “It’s almost time.”
“I’ll let you get ready,” I say, slipping outside, afraid that if I stay, I’ll cry all over her beautiful suit.
Outside, I find Director Ryu waiting backstage. “Are you presenting the Trailblazer Award to my mother?”
“I am,” she says, tilting her head to study me, her eyes glinting curiously.
“Would you mind if I—?”
“Oh yes,” she says. “Please, I despise public speaking. Honestly, I should have thought of that myself. The award will be more meaningful coming from you, anyway.”
I bite my lip, nervous now that I’ve made this impromptu decision.
“Good luck!” Director Ryu says, raising both fists in the air.
I walk onto the stage for the last time. Murmuring sweeps through the crowd at my appearance, Nathaniel and I having already said our goodbyes. I briefly wonder if the show’s PD will be upset with the last-minute schedule change but push that thought to the back of my mind.
I reach the podium. Finding the teleprompter, I start to read aloud, “The Trailblazer Award is given to an individual who has changed this industry in a significant way, opening up new pathways for others to follow.”
I go on to list my mother’s achievements. It takes me five whole minutes to list them all.
“Seo Min Hee isn’t just an incredible visionary and businesswoman, she’s also a mother. My mother. I’ve been with her from the beginning. Well, at least my beginning.”
The audience laughs, indulging me.
“I’ve seen her at her highest highs . . .”—the opening of Joah, the first major award for XOXO—“and her lowest lows . . .” My father’s affairs, the night after Hyemi’s scandal broke . . .
“No matter the occasion, she rises to the top, with tenacity, with power, with grace. I’m grateful for my mother for many reasons. But most importantly, I’m grateful because she shows me, by example, all that I can be, that my pathways are endless. She’s a true trailblazer. I am so proud of her, can you tell?”
The crowd laughs.
This whole time I’ve been worrying about her, but she’s Seo Min Hee. I don’t need to fight my mother’s battles; she can fight her own. She always has. Why did I ever think she couldn’t?
Everyone believes in her, the ASAP members, the XOXO members, Director Ryu and Secretary Park, but what about me?
When did I lose faith in my mother?
I need to believe in her. I need to trust that she’ll find a way, like she has before.
“She’s the strongest person I know . . .”
It feels freeing to remember that, like letting go of a weight I’d been carrying.
My gaze travels to where the XOXO members are sitting. I can’t see them from here, but I know they’re watching, that he’s watching. “I should be strong as well.”
A few people in the crowd shift in their seats, probably wondering what I mean.
“Please join me in honoring tonight’s recipient of this year’s Trailblazer Award, Founder and CEO of Joah Entertainment, Seo Min Hee.”
Everyone rises to their feet as my mother stands and makes her way up the stairs to the podium. As she approaches me, I see that there are actual tears in her eyes. She grabs me in a fierce hug, not caring that she’s ruining my makeup and her own.
“Thank you, Sori-yah. You have always given me the most strength. I love you.”
My tears match her own. “I love you, Eomma.”
There’s another award presentation after my mother accepts hers, but I don’t stay to watch it, not when I see that Nathaniel and the others have already left their seats.
I race backstage and into the hall that circles the arena.
We make a good team, he’d said. We do, I want to tell him, the very best. I couldn’t see that until tonight. I’d been pushing him away for so many reasons, because I was afraid of what could happen with us being together, scandals and heartbreak and regret, because I thought our lives were too different—he knows how to love and be loved, but for me, love feels like a threat, like something that could be taken away at any moment. Because I thought he was good and I was bad. But I was wrong. We are both bad. He’s a flirt and a delinquent, and I’m very much a girl who would risk it all for him.
I catch up with him in the parking lot behind the arena. He’s with the other members, walking toward the car service that’ll take them back to their dorms.
“Nathaniel!” I call out.
He turns, catching sight of me on the stairs. I quickly walk down them—not too fast, as I’m still wearing stilettos.
He’s waiting for me at the bottom. “Did you run in those?” He sounds both afraid for me and a little impressed.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, breathless from my run. “Alone.”
His eyes meet mine, his expression guarded, giving nothing of his thoughts away.
Finally, turning to the others, he says, “Wait in the car. I’ll be right there.”
He follows me behind a partitioned wall, out of view.
“Sori,” he says. “What’s going on? Are you—?”
I cut him off. “You said you’ve wanted me for half your life, but I think, for me, it’s been even longer. I’ve wanted you my whole life. You, with your sincerity and your teasing and your passion. You, who makes me feel safe and loved and beautiful.
“I was afraid,” I confess. “I was afraid of so many things, but mostly I was afraid of how much I wanted you.”
The mask he’d worn to hide his emotions falls; he looks vulnerable, his cheeks flushed, his lips parted. “I’ve only ever loved one girl,” he says, “since I was fourteen. Maybe I could love someone else in in the future . . .”
I draw his mouth to mine, pressing my body to his, making him take back the words. I only release him when I’m satisfied. “I didn’t like what you said, about loving someone else in the future. The only girl you love, who you will ever love, is me.”
He laughs unsteadily. “I’ve never seen this selfish side of you.”
“When it comes to you, I’m entirely selfish. I want all your attention.” I press another kiss to the corner of his lips, the edge of his cheeks. When I draw away, his eyes flutter open. “I crave it. I want you to look only at me.”
“Now that you’re being forthright,” he says, “you’re making me blush.”
I circle my arms around his neck and bring my lips to his ear. “Come home with me. I want to be alone with you.”
He holds me close a moment longer, his hands tightening around my waist before letting go. Taking my hand, he leads me from behind the partition to a different car in the long line of them. We climb inside and he gives the driver my address.
“Aren’t the others waiting for you?” I ask as we pull out of the parking lot.
He takes out his phone with one hand—never letting go of mine with the other—presumably to text them. But he only looks down at the screen for a few seconds before pocketing it again. “No,” he says, color in his cheeks. “They’re not.”
I arch my brow, wondering what sort of texts they’re sending him.
Neither of us speaks on the long drive to my house, conscious of the driver in the front. When we pull up outside, Nathaniel pays the driver while I key in the code to the gate. The garden lights blink on as we walk up the steps, as if welcoming us home.
We pause briefly in the foyer to remove our shoes. I sigh in relief as my stilettos drop to the ground, and then we’re stumbling up the steps, laughing.
Nathaniel shuts my bedroom door behind us. I fall backward onto the bed, spreading my arms wide on either side of me. I look up to find Nathaniel standing at the foot of the bed, looking incredibly pleased with himself. “That’s one of your rules broken.” You’re not allowed to come into my room.
I lift a brow. “And the other?”
He’d already discarded his jacket. Reaching up, he unbuttons more of his obscenely buttoned shirt, pulling it over his head. My mouth goes dry at the sight of his lean muscles and taut stomach. Circling his hand around my ankle, he bends my leg. He lowers his head, kissing the Band-Aid over my scraped knee, then he wraps my leg around his waist, climbing over me.
We kiss, more passionately than before, every touch of our lips a promise of love, of belief, of trust. I want, need, to be closer to him, the fabric of my dress catching around my legs. He finds the zipper at my back, sliding it down. I gasp at the touch of his rings against my skin.
I draw him up to me, so that I can look into his eyes.
“I mean it,” I say, breathless. “Do you doubt me?”
His dusky eyelashes lower. “After the Ferris wheel, I thought it was over between us.” His voice is unsteady, an echo of his anguish. “I was prepared to live my life without you. It felt like my heart was being torn from my body.”
“Not without me,” I breathe, “never without me.”
I raise my hand to his cheek, and he lifts his to cover mine. Our eyes meet and my heart feels like it could burst with love for him.
Ever since he first teased me, I think I knew, and even as the years have gone by, and we’ve been pulled apart and pushed together again, my heart has always been drawn to him.
“I love you,” I say.
His eyes are bright. And then we’re kissing, falling into each other, in a night of endless bliss.