Chapter 4
Well, I’m Sorry For Giving A Fuck
Yeah, I really thought I had everything together back then.
“What in the hell was I thinking?”
“What was that, honey?” my hairdresser asks when she hears me speak out loud.
“Oh, nothing. I was just talking to myself.”
So much time has passed, yet I am still kicking myself in the ass over some things that I have done.
“I know what it is. You’re thinking about that fine man of yours, aren’t you?”
Tasha is just one of so many people who think that my life is perfect.
“And I’ll tell you one thing, I will even settle for that sexy-ass Carl, Tay has guarding you,” she adds.
I cringe when she says “Carl,” of all people.
“Yeah, well, that’s just what you would be doing, settling.”
We both look over at Carl, who is sitting in the waiting area, reading an Essence magazine. Even after all the time that has passed, he is still sexy as hell. But I have already had him, and I have been having him for some time now. He has become a leech to me, still wanting to have me, still wanting me to love him. And to think that he still gets mad when I tell him that he will never have me. He’s just plain weak to me, and anyone who knows me knows that I just can’t stand a weak man.
“Yeah, I see that look in your eyes. Don’t even try to play it off. I know you want some of that brother,” Tasha says.
“Girl, please, there’s nothing happening there. He doesn’t make enough money for me.”
“Okay, say what you want to say, but I see it, and if I’m wrong, then you’re a damn fool.”
“Oh really? Why is that? I have everything I want.”
“Money can’t make you cum, Tangie.”
“Really? Just the thought of it makes me cream.”
We both burst out laughing.
“Come on, Tangie. On the real tip, I know that when you get horny and Tay ain’t there, you have to be going crazy.”
I just smile, because I don’t even have a chance to get horny anymore.
“I just don’t know how you do it, with Tay gone so much. Then to have Carl walking around the house . . . Shit, I would have jumped on him a long time ago.”
“Well, Tasha, some things just are not meant to be jumped on.”
And we both just leave it at that.
Early Saturday morning I was awakened by a warm body next to me.
“Car . . . Tay’von, baby, what are you doing here so early?” I jumped into his arms, praying that he hadn’t heard me almost call him Carl. I noticed a funny look on his face, but it faded away quickly.
“I caught an early flight. Plus, I have a big surprise for you.” He took my hand and led me downstairs. When we passed by Carl’s room, Tay stepped in to chat.
“What’s up, nigga?” Tay asked Carl as he gave him some dap while Carl sat up in bed. As Tay held my hand and talked to Carl, I noticed that I was still wearing the red nightgown that Carl had eaten my pussy in the night before, and a chill ran through my body—a good one.
“Get your ass up, Carl. I don’t pay you to sleep,” Tay joked.
“Damn, Tay. You should have told me that you were coming home.”
“What? Tangie didn’t tell you?”
“No, I didn’t. It never really came up, to tell you the truth,” I said, as if it really had slipped my mind.
Carl shot me a quick hateful look, which was missed by Tay.
“So how was my girl while I was gone? She didn’t do anything bad after the good news you gave me, right?” Tay asked with a smile on his face.
Carl laughed before answering, but only he and I knew what was so funny. “Nah, man. She’s been your perfect little angel.”
I had to put a stop to this before Tay caught on to the sarcastic tone in Carl’s voice. “Come on, baby. I can’t wait anymore. You can talk to Carl after you show me the surprise you got me.”
“Okay, baby, let’s go. Come on, Carl. You have got to see what I got my baby.”
Carl got out of bed and followed us to the front door. Tay put his hand over my eyes and walked me outside. He took his hands away from my eyes, and I saw one BMW 7 Series and one white Range Rover.
“Oh my God, Tay. Are both of these for me?” I asked as I walked toward the fire-red convertible with the big black bow around it.
“I got the other one so that when you’re going out with your friends, you’ll have more room,” Tay said about the white Range Rover.
All I could think was that I didn’t really have that many friends, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
“You like them, right?”
“Yes, yes, yes, Tay. I love them.”
I ran over to the BMW and got in it. It was all decked out. He even had had my name put on the headrest. Tay’von told Carl to get the camera so that he could take pictures of me in my new cars. I sat on the hood of the convertible, and my red nightgown melted into the red paint. As I posed for the camera, Tay talked to Carl in a low tone so that he wouldn’t rain on my parade, but I could still hear what he was saying and took notes in my mind to use later on, if I had to.
“Look at her, man. She’s like a big kid that just got a new bike.” Tay smiled and continued to speak as he realized that what started out as a publicity stunt had changed and formed itself into something real. “She’s happy as shit, and to tell you the truth, it makes me feel good as hell.”
Carl held in his feelings about the situation and forced a smile on his face as I walked over to the next car and started to pose with it.
“You don’t think that I am moving too fast, do you?” Tay said.
“What do you mean?” Carl asked, knowing exactly what Tay was asking.
“As far as buying her the cars and letting her stay in my house?” Before Carl could respond, Tay continued to speak. “She is just so in your face, and you know how much I like a bold bitch. I have never met a girl like her before. And you know that I have had my share of groupies and all, but there’s just something about her. Just look at her, man. I can’t help but to fall this fast for her. She got a nigga hooked, and there’s nothing that I could do about it.”
Carl stopped snapping shots and looked at me. The look on Carl’s face told all his secrets. He looked envious, like he wanted to be the one in Tay’s place. As if he wanted to be the man who was making me so damn happy.
“Nah, man, you did the right thing. Look at her. She’s so excited. Just follow your heart and try not to break too many on the way. Speaking of broken hearts, what are you going to do about Connie?”
Tay shook his head. “Man, I don’t know. I still got love for her too, but this is different. I’ll deal with that once I’ve got an answer to your question, because the truth is that I still don’t know. But I will still need you to watch her. The cars don’t mean shit to me. If she’s not who I think she is, then I’ll put her and the cars out. And then I’ll go back to what I have with Connie.”
While they spoke, I wondered who Connie was. I had never seen him out with a specific female. He was always seen with random industry girls.
“Okay, I’ll keep an eye on her, but you really have to think about what you’re going to do. Connie is a good person, and if you choose to be with Tangie, well, you should let Connie know before she sees that shit in some magazine or on TV,” Carl replied.
“I feel you on that one, but this is just a fucked-up situation. You know I got love for that girl, but Tangie, Tangie is—”
“I know, Tay. I totally understand. She seems like one badass bitch.”
Before Carl walked back into the house, he looked back and saw Tay in between my legs. I kissed Tay softly as my heart filled with gratitude.
I wondered if Carl’s heart was filled with jealousy and rage. The look on his face sure did make it seem like it was.
* * *
Later on, I got dressed in a short gold Dior dress and matching shoes. I wore my long hair down, and I made sure not to forget my ice. Tay’von hadn’t told me where we were going, but he had told me to pack an overnight bag. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at myself. My bluish-gray eyes shined like twinkling stars. Most people thought I wore contacts, and they usually were pleased when they found out that my eye color was real. My island tanned skin set off my long, wavy jet-black hair perfectly.
My mother had always said that even when a woman had nothing else to offer, she should always have her looks. She had made sure to live that way until the day the private jet that was taking her to a modeling gig crashed and killed her. Many people said that I was the spitting image of her, except for the color of my eyes. That was the only thing that I got from the Brazilian photographer my mother had fucked. After he had found out that she was pregnant, he never spoke to her again, nor did she ever try to make him. In the little time that she had to raise me, she had made sure that I knew the value of a good life and myself.
“Try to live a life that is worth more than you are. That will be hard, because you are worth the world,” she would say as I sat and watched the makeup artist do her face.
These words had always stuck with me. Even when I didn’t have a penny to my name, I always made sure that I looked like a million bucks.
“Damn, baby. I’m going to have to keep you close tonight. You look good as hell,” Tay said when he peeked in the bathroom and saw me.
“You know that’s right. As fine as I am, every man will want to snatch me up.”
“I’ll kill a man before I let you go. Besides, I am going to have a hard time selling your cars with your name being on the headrest and all.”
We both laughed and headed downstairs. Tony, another one of Tay’s bodyguards, and Carl were already in the car, waiting for us. I wondered what Tay had planned as I stepped in the limo.
“So where are we going?” I asked after Tay got in and lit a blunt.
I didn’t get an answer. Tay just smiled that sexy smile of his and passed me the blunt. My mother also used to say that there was nothing worse than a woman who was dressed up and smoking, but hey, I loved my weed.
A little while later, we arrived at the airport, and my heart skipped a beat. Although I had traveled a lot, it still didn’t stop that feeling I got when I had to get on a plane. I always thought of my mother and her horrible crash whenever I was near one. Once we all stepped out of the car, an airport worker took us to a side entrance, ushered us inside, and got us checked in quickly. They did that so that they didn’t have a madhouse when people recognized Tay. As soon as we were done checking in, we headed outside and started walking toward the private jet, and I came face-to-face with the thing I hated the most. I didn’t know if anyone else noticed it, but I started to have a panic attack. I felt like my lungs were closing up, and I started to see little red spots.
“Tangie, Tangie, what’s wrong?” I heard Tay asking me from afar, but I couldn’t answer. I just kept my eyes on the jet until I blacked out. When I woke up, I was sitting on one of the airport’s golf carts.
“Are you okay, baby?” Tay asked as he handed me bottled water.
I had to look around to realize that I was still at the airport. I looked at Tay, then at Carl, who looked even more concerned than Tay did. “I’m fine. It’s just that—” I stopped myself.
This wasn’t the time to disclose what scared me, especially to a man who could possibly be gone within a month. None of my conquests ever lasted too long. We’d spend time, they’d spend money, and soon enough, it would be over. I wasn’t the type to let men get too close, and I wasn’t about to start.
“I just need to go to the bathroom. Do we have enough time?”
I got up but was still a little dizzy. Tay’von grabbed on to me so that I didn’t fall over, but I pulled away from him.
“I told you that I’m fine, didn’t I?” I snapped.
“No you’re not. Carl will go with you.”
I wasn’t into Tay being so sweet and helpful. He was trying to get too close, and me keeping him at bay was the only way to keep my head on straight and get to the money. Carl held on to me, and we walked to the bathroom so that I could get myself together.
When he thought that I was alone in the bathroom, Carl walked in, and I really was not in the mood for that.
“Hey, baby. Are you okay?” he said.
Baby? Oh, this dude is trippin’.
“Is there something that you need in here? If not, get out.”
“I just came in to make sure you were okay, that’s all.”
“Well, for the last fucking time, I’m fine!”
He got pissed off and started to walk out. “Well, I’m sorry for giving a fuck,” he said as the door closed behind him.
I tried to get myself together enough to get on the plane, but I was still shaky. I stuck my head out of the bathroom and told Carl to get Tony. A couple of minutes later, Tony walked into the bathroom, and I locked the door behind him.
“You have got to give me a little candy, Tony! Or I will not make this flight.”
“Girl, are you crazy? I can’t give you anything in here.”
“Come on, Tony. I won’t be able to get on that jet without it. We can go in a stall, and no one will know. Hell, you went through the airport with it, and you didn’t get caught, so please . . . It’s the only way.”
Tony must have felt really sorry for me, because he took my hand and walked me into one of the stalls. He gave me the little bag of cocaine, and I stuck my nose in it and took a long, deep breath. It hit me hard but good. I gave him back the bag and closed my eyes as I felt the drug rushing through my body.
“So are you ready to go now?” Tony asked me, looking all nervous and shit.
“As ready as I will ever be,” I said as I held on to his arm and we wiped my nose. I walked back to where Tay and Carl were waiting, with a big shit-eating grin on my face.
Once we were seated on the private jet, Tay leaned over and asked me why I had sent Carl back for Tony.
“I needed something sweet to sniff,” I answered.
“Starting the party early, I see.”
“You know me. It’s always a party when I’m around, but since we are now on the plane, can you please tell me where we are going?” I said as the effect of the drug I had sniffed hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Vegas, baby,” Tay said with a smile, and all I could think of to say was, “Sounds fun.”
I had done Vegas so many times with so many different rappers that it wasn’t a big deal to me.
By the time we landed in Vegas, my high was gone, and I was ready to get off the plane. Our reservations were for the best suite at the Palms Casino Resort Hotel. Once there, we put our things in the Dream Suite Penthouse C, and I freshened up so that we could all go down to the casino together. Once down there, I played so many different games that I lost count. I had never really been a gambler, but the free drinks that they gave you made you think that you could eventually win at something.
Tay’von had given me twenty-five thousand dollars to blow, and before long I was down to my last ten. I took it hard every time I lost a game, and I got angrier and angrier. Tay thought that it was so cute that I was a sore loser. He even found my temper tantrums funny.
“Aw, don’t get so upset, Tangie. You just have to find your game,” Tay said when I lost another thousand.
I realized that poker was not my game, so I moved to the blackjack table with Tay. Carl and Tony stood to the side and watched us play. Carl had been looking so down that even Tony had noticed. He walked over to Carl and had a conversation with him, which he thought I couldn’t hear.
“What’s wrong with you, nigga? You look like she’s losing your money or something.”
“I’m just sick of standing around while this bitch blows through Tay’s money,” Carl responded.
“Well, I don’t give a fuck, and you shouldn’t, either,” Tony said.
“I just don’t understand how Tay can be so blind. First, he buys her those cars, and now he brings her to Vegas and hands her a grip of money. I know that she’s fine and all, but he doesn’t even know her that well.”
“Carl, just stay out of Tay’s business. It’s always better that way. He’s a grown-ass man, and I am sure that he knows what he is doing. Just do what you are getting paid to do and stay out of it,” Tony said as he and Carl looked over at me. “But she is fine, though. I bet she’s turning Tay’s ass out every chance she gets.”
“Oh, trust me, she is. I mean, she has to be for him to be acting the way he is,” Carl answered while catching himself.
They stopped talking, and I downed one drink after the other while blowing most of my money away. By the time we made it back to the suite, I had only three thousand dollars and could hardly walk. Tay assured me that there would be more money to gamble with the next day.
“Tony, I need a little more candy,” I said as I took off my shoes and sat on the couch.
“Damn, girl, you’re going to put a third hole in your nose with all that shit you’re sniffing,” Tay’von answered as he rolled up his weed.
“The same hole that you’re putting in your chest with all the shit you’re smoking,” I said with a smile.
Tony brought over the coke, and I lined it out on the coffee table. The four lines disappeared into my nose; then I let out a sneeze.
“I hope that you’re not doing that much coke while I am out on tour,” Tay said with a disapproving look on his face.
“As hard as you’ve got Carl watching me, I can’t even wash my ass without him telling you. So I’m sure that you know the answer to that question.”
“Well, I am happy that you know that Carl is watching, because he’s my third eye,” Tay replied.
I looked over at Carl, and he seemed uneasy and stiff. Tony and Tay’von both laughed.
“Well, you better get a fourth one,” I said while laughing.
I didn’t think that Tay got what I was saying, but it looked like Tony did.
“Shit, with Carl, I don’t need a fourth eye. With him by my side, I know that I will always have all the info that I need,” Tay observed.
I didn’t want this conversation to get any deeper, so I turned to one of my tricks. “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”
“Here. Smoke this. It will mellow you out,” Tay said as he handed me his blunt.
“Nah. I need to take this damn dress off. You all don’t mind, do you?”
Carl and Tony both looked at Tay’von.
“Go ahead, baby. These niggas are cool. I’m sure that they don’t mind.”
“Hell, no, we don’t mind,” Tony said with a smile.
“Yeah, okay. Just remember that all you can do is look,” Tay warned, yet in a joking tone.
I pulled off my dress, and I sat there in my thong, since I didn’t have on a bra. I picked up the coke and handed it to Tay. He shook his head no, but I needed him to get really high for what I was about to do.
“Come on, Tay. You’re not going to let me party by myself, are you? Just do two lines and I’ll leave you alone.”
I sat in his lap and lined up the coke. I got up, held the hundred-dollar bill up to his nose, and he sniffed up the powder. Thirty minutes later he had matched my number of lines and was high as hell. He reached for the remote and flipped on the TV. He came to the adult movie channel and left it there. I could tell that he was starting to get turned on, so I leaned in and nibbled on his ears and neck.
“You better stop, or else we’re gonna end up putting on a freak show for these niggas,” Tay said with closed eyes, but I didn’t stop.
I licked his neck and moved my hand down to his chest. He kissed me, and I got on his lap again and wrapped my legs around him. He kissed me slowly before I pulled away and put my nipple up to his lips. He kissed around my nipple before licking it and making it hard.
“Damn, baby. I have missed you so much,” I said and let out a moan as he licked me hungrily. I felt his fingers run down my back, and then he squeezed my ass as if it were putty.
“Uh, you want us to leave, man?” Carl asked, looking like he wanted to leave, anyway.
“Nah, you’re cool. We’re just fucking around.” Tay may have thought that we were just fucking around, but I planned on fucking him in front of Carl. I just didn’t know when I would get the chance, but luckily for me, this trip came up fast.
I slide myself off Tay and got on my knees in front of him. I undid his belt and unzipped his pants. I pulled his dick out and jerked it off slowly. His body moved with my hand as I got his dick fully hard.
“Are you watching this shit, man? This chick is crazy,” Tony whispered as he hit Carl on the arm.
“Man, I ain’t trying to watch this. They should take this to the bedroom,” Carl said.
“Man, fuck that. I want to see what this bitch can do,” Tony said as he started to get into my little show.
Tay and I both heard them, but neither of us cared. Carl said nothing after that; he just stared, looking as if he was trying to control his anger. I put Tay’s dick in my mouth and enjoyed the taste and feel of it. I put all of it down my throat as he let out a loud grunt.
“Damn, Tangie. That shit is feeling good as hell.”
“Come on, Tay. I want to taste that cream, baby,” I said after removing his dick, which had been crammed into my mouth.
But before he could cum, he pulled my head up. I stood in front of him, and I put one of my feet up on the couch.
Tay’von didn’t even take my thong off. He just pushed it to the side and plunged into my pussy. He sucked on my clit and fingered my pussy at the same time. I pushed his head deeper into me until I came in his mouth. I pushed his head away after I was done, and pulled his pants off. I sat on his dick, facing Tony and Carl. At first, I fucked only the head of Tay’s dick. But then my cum ran down his dick, making it easier for me to slide all the way down on it. I fucked him nice and slow while Carl and Tony watched my every move. I looked into Carl’s eyes and smiled when I realized how mad he looked. Now he realized that all of this was for him. How could he have let himself fall into my trap? I silently asked myself.
I started to move my mouth, and then I silently mouthed words to Carl as I fucked Tay. “You want me, don’t you?”
Tony caught the whole exchange.
Carl saw me but acted like he didn’t, so I said it out loud.
“You want me, don’t you?”
“Yes, yes, baby, I want you,” Tay’von answered.
“I make you feel good, don’t I?”
“Yeah, baby, you make me feel real fucking good,” Tay answered yet again, not realizing that I was talking to Carl.
I started to fuck him even faster, making him lose control.
“You love me, don’t you?”
No answer, but I continued to look directly into Carl’s eyes.
“I asked if you love me.”
As Tay’von came, his filter was gone. I had him open, and he couldn’t help himself. “Oh shit. I love you, baby. I love you.”
Again, I creamed on his dick and said my own “I love yous.” “I love you too, Tay. I love your dick, I love your kiss, and I love everything about you.” I got up and sat on his lap again, facing him, and kissed him passionately. “I really do love you, Tay’von.” I looked into his eyes, and I saw softness there, and for a second, I even saw true love.
“Yeah, I got much love for you too, Tangie.” He looked at me and smiled. I smiled too.
Later, he would tell me that in me, he saw a soft little doll-like woman who needed to be loved. He would also say that he saw a woman who thought that she was in love, but he made a decision at that moment to make me really love him. He needed me in more ways than I could ever understand, so my loving him was a plus.
“Damn, girl. You got me all fucked up. I’m really going to have to watch out for myself and make sure you’re just not running a good game on me,” Tay said after a moment.
“You don’t have to watch out, Tay. I am really trying to be all about you.” I turned around, lit a jay, and looked at Carl. “There is nobody who can change my mind about that. Plus, no one else could afford me,” I said in a joking tone, but Carl knew that I was talking to him. I was hoping he would remember the comment I had made about him making pennies and would put two and two together.
“You’ve got that right, ’cause you ran through my money like water tonight,” Tay’von said, sounding as if he really didn’t give a damn about the money I blew.
I could almost see steam coming off Carl’s head, while Tony just sat there as if he was watching One Life to Live. And to be honest, I liked Carl, but I hated his paycheck, and that was all I cared about at the moment.