Chapter Five

1963

 

Coming awake, Kathy discovered, was a painful process. Especially since every muscle in her body was screaming at her. For a blind, panicked moment, she thought she was back in the hospital the day after her life had ended, waking up for the first time to a world forever changed. Adrenaline and denial jolted through her, and she sat up with a gasp. When she saw the familiar surroundings of her bedroom in Georgia, she nearly collapsed with relief.

With a low groan, she shoved the covers aside and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Everything ached, and she wondered if she was coming down with something until she remembered the day’s events—the beach, the turmoil, Charles.

“No wonder I hurt.” One thing she’d come to understand over the last three years was that when her heart cried, the rest of her did as well. It was as though all the heartache and pain echoed through her body, escaping in bruises no one could see.

Stunned to see that it was nearly three o’clock in the morning, she got to her feet and headed down the hall to the bathroom. She’d come in from the beach just after four in the afternoon. A light was on in the kitchen on the other end of the house, and she figured her mother must have left it on for her.

As she was washing her hands a few minutes later, she glanced into the mirror. Her hair was a wild, tangled mess, and her skin was pale except for the dark circles that looked like bruises under her eyes. Mental shiners. Just as painful as the real thing in their own way. She quickly turned out the light and went toward the kitchen, tiptoeing past her mother’s bedroom so as not to disturb her.

“So you’re awake.”

Eliza’s voice was startling, and Kathy jumped back, her hands going to her chest.

“Mama! You scared me nearly to death! What in the world are you doing up so late?”

“Waiting for you.” Eliza didn’t say anything more, just stared at Kathy over the rim of her coffee mug.

Her heart still racing from the scare, Kathy studied her mother carefully. Deep concern was etched onto her mother’s face, but so was something else. Something that looked a lot like angry determination. “Mama?”

“Why don’t you tell me about the beach, Kathleen Rebecca?”

“The beach?” she repeated stupidly, cursing Charles in her mind as she scrambled for words that would make things all right.

“Yes. You had plans today, I believe. Important plans. Why don’t you tell me about those?” Eliza set the mug down hard and pushed her chair back, though she didn’t get to her feet. Yet.

The ornery streak that had gotten her into so much trouble over the years reared its head, and Kathy lifted her chin. “Sounds to me like you already heard about it.”

Before she could blink, Eliza was in front of her, pressing her back into the cabinet. Her eyes were full of furious tears, and she had Kathy by the shoulders, shaking her gently. “You listen to me, you willful, stubborn, blessed child. I am not letting you die on me and sure as hell not by your own hand. Do you understand me, Kathleen? I’m not letting that damned bastard take you too. I’m not letting him win. By God, you’re going to fight this, and you’re not going to die on me. What were you thinking?”

By then, they were both crying, holding on to each other as grief and anguish poured out. Kathy felt her knees go out from under her, and she sank. Eliza went with her.

“It hurts so much, Mama. I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I didn’t know what else to do to make it stop hurting. I’m so sorry.”

For a long time after that, she sobbed, crying so hard she could barely catch her breath. The whole while, Eliza held her, stroking the hair back off her face, making soothing noises as she let Kathy grieve. After a while though, Kathy was all cried out. She felt utterly empty inside, and she couldn’t even garner the strength to sit up.

“Sweetheart, you need to get help. You know that, right?” Eliza asked.

“I don’t know how. I won’t go back to Dr. Bowling. Not after the way he acted.”

When she’d broken down immediately after having to have a hysterectomy, her regular doctor, Tad Bowling, had recommended she be institutionalized. “Her nerves are too fragile. She’s still hysterical from all the trouble she caused, overwhelmed by the guilt over her part in her children’s deaths. The best thing for everyone would be to treat her in an asylum.”

Until that day, Kathy’d not known her mother could curse so fluently. Eliza’d told him off so thoroughly he’d not set foot back in Kathy’s hospital room the whole time she’d been recuperating.

“You won’t have to,” Eliza promised. “While you were sleeping, Nancy came over. We have the name and phone number of a woman who’s supposed to be reputable. She’s a doctor, but I have it on good authority that she’s very kind, and she’s knowledgeable about situations like yours.”

“Who says?” Kathy pushed herself up, accepting the handkerchief Eliza handed her. “How do you know she’s any good?”

“I trust the person who recommended her, and further, so does Nancy.” Eliza sighed. “We called her and told her a little bit about the situation. She wants to see you first thing in the morning. But Kathy… she wants to put you in the hospital for a few days. Just two or three, I swear,” she hurried to add when Kathy shook her head.

“Mama, no.”

“Yes.” Eliza cupped Kathy’s face, her gaze never wavering. “I love you too much to give up and too much to risk losing you. If Charles hadn’t been there today, you’d not have come home to me. So you’re going to meet with her one way or another. If it takes me and Nancy and Roy and anyone else we can find to help get you there, you’re going.”

As weary as she was, Kathy didn’t think she could possibly feel any more tonight. But the idea of willingly going to a hospital to have her head shrunk? That terrified her.

“What if she won’t let me come home?” she whispered.

Eliza’s smile was sad. “Do you really think I’d let that happen?”

No, Kathy knew better. She shook her head. “Do you think she can help?”

“I do. I think she’s the best chance you have at getting better, at getting the pain to go away, at least enough so that you can live with it. Will you go?”

Kathy’s words from earlier in the day, when she’d told Charles she didn’t have a choice about anything in her life, came back to her. She had to go see this doctor regardless of whether she wanted to or not. “Will you go with me? At least as far as you can?”

“Of course. We’re in this together, remember?” Eliza pressed a kiss to her forehead and pulled her in for a hug. “I promised you three years ago I’d not leave you alone until and unless you could stand on your own, and I meant that. I have no intention of abandoning you.”

“I’m so tired, Mama. I feel like I could sleep forever.”

“I know. I do know that.” Eliza got to her feet then helped Kathy stand. “Let’s get you to bed, and tomorrow, we’ll go see this new doctor and get you some help. I swear to you, we will.”

Kathy let Eliza put her to bed much like she was a little girl again. She simply couldn’t do it herself. Not tonight.

“I should have told you about today,” she said as Eliza pulled the covers up to her shoulders. “I love you, Mama.”

She felt the soft brush of her mother’s hand across her cheek, her hair. “I love you back, my baby. Go to sleep now. Tomorrow’s a new day, a new start.”

As she fell hard into a sound sleep, Kathy’s last thought was praying to God it really was a new start. She didn’t know if she could go on if it turned out not to be.